LOST FRIENDS

TreeEater
TreeEater

Anybody grew up with good friends from childhood, college, or any time... but you have grown apart due to your different levels of success and ambition in life?

I have found the more successful and ambitious in life I've become, the more a few friends start to ignore me or just don't stay in touch. Those are the friends that work at retail, or blue collar, don't have kids yet, (we're all in our 30's)

I've always been a "career" person... driving non stop and looking for the next goal to achieve.

Maybe somebody like me is "obnoxious" or intimidating to others who are not as ambitious? It's hard as hell trying to find new friends when you're 35.

Anybody else have experiences with mid life "friends" transitions?

Snarelure
Snarelure

You sound like an autist

Emberfire
Emberfire

I once had a friend who got so angry at me after cornering a certain market that he used to specialize in.

I took all his clients from the Truck Stop he used to do business deals in. He never spoke to me again...

SniperWish
SniperWish

Yeah same here , but it's their choice to follow you on the path of success just brush it off. New opportunities present new friends with better mind sets.

WebTool
WebTool

@Emberfire
I once had a friend who got so angry at me after cornering a certain market that he used to specialize in.

I'm not talking about me directly doing anything to hurt or even compete with my friends...

We're just going down different paths in life, but I don't want to lose my old buddies.

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

I bought a suit and go around pretending to be a bigshot all day and now everyone hates me, help
People who aren't friendly and likable won't get too far in the business world even if they're hardworking and motivated.
I see the "success envy.jpg". I know EXACTLY the type of guy you are and to be honest you're just embarrassing yourself.

People like you end up at the bottom of pyramid schemes.

cum2soon
cum2soon

@Stupidasole
I bought a suit and go around pretending to be a bigshot all day and now everyone hates me, help
People like you end up at the bottom of pyramid schemes.

I make mid six figures in the bay area. That's not great, but it's considered "successful" I guess.

I own my own house and am paying off a mortgage. Have a family w/ 1 kid.

I'm not "wildly successful" by any means.

But as I said, my buddies work retail, one guy at GNC, one guy at a gym. All renters. No kids.

I've never talked down to them, or tried to flaunt my money.

idontknow
idontknow

But I have tried to motivate my buddies into "improving" their lives... send them work postings that fit their skillet, refer them for jobs, etc.

Would you consider this "Obnoxious" behavior if you had a more successful buddy trying to "pull you up?"

Isn't that what you want from a good buddy? To share in their success? Or is 'helping out your friends' no longer a thing?

Playboyize
Playboyize

@cum2soon
Dude, if you make mid six figures (500k+) you are wildly successful even in the bay area.

I only came close to that number twice.

Carnalpleasure
Carnalpleasure

@Playboyize

sorry, I mean ~ 150k

Not bad, but not GREAT in the valley

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

Yes,

left my high school burnout friends for air force
left my burnout air force friends to go into corporate life

Now im hanging with people that make over 100k a year.

Next stop is hanging with people with over 1 million net worth.

AwesomeTucker
AwesomeTucker

@CouchChiller
burnout

They're not burnouts.

They're good people, just less successful in terms of $.

The point is that I'm trying to keep my old friends instead of switching to "more successful" friends...

is this a pipe dream?

New_Cliche
New_Cliche

@AwesomeTucker

You are the average of who you hangout with.

So if you want to be "nice" keep hanging with your old friends, if you want to be rich hangout with more financially successful people.

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

I make 6 figures and have three friends. One with a masters degree, and two who work in retail stores. They don't have the ambition that I do when it comes down to work and making money. But they are always there for me. And I'm always there for them. We do what guys do, watch fights, sports, have beers bbq camp etc. I never talk bad to them and I really talk to them like we did in high school. We are in our mid 20s now.

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@Raving_Cute
Give it another 5 years.

King_Martha
King_Martha

@idontknow
Idk man but maybe you should've asked if they even wanted you to help them out, what if they're fine with their current lives? Not everybody wants to be a businessman.

girlDog
girlDog

@TreeEater
Literally me. i have 28 yo though. Normal people tend to follow their emotions and satisfy their immediate needs to what they call 'living the life'. At this point I realize that I love to enjoy part of my success alone. People like me are basically rare and we're competing each other, but... at least for me, thats one of the sweetest joys in my life. I have completed two masters at this point and i have a business. One beautiful thing that i found when i reached a certain level of status is how women act and ther bahaviour; they are like animals looking for the best nest. Sorry for my english btw, not from the anglosphere (italian here).

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@TreeEater
32
Married
1 kid
No friends
2 or 3 'associates' I see every year or so
$120,000 approx salary for the past 4 years
Lonely, empty, unfulfilled, bored
Want to change career but current job is easier than any other job earning close to this amount other than passive income streams

Methshot
Methshot

I've never had any friends Kek. I have like four total. Friends are over rated. They always want something, they aren't happy for you etc.

Emberburn
Emberburn

@girlDog
we're competing each other

That's the problem. We're all competitive people. Played sports in HS together, etc. We used to talk tons of shit to each other in HS, normal guy stuff.

Now, it feels like I can't talk like we used to for fear of offending guys who are not on the same level.

StonedTime
StonedTime

@Emberfire
Perfect.

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

Friends?

What are those

MPmaster
MPmaster

@TreeEater
@kizzmybutt
Kids change a lot of it. 30 with two 2 year old boys and I own a business. I don't really have time for friends. Sometimes I wish I had some, but I don't know what I would do if I did. Being with my family is obviously much more tiring, but I feel it's much more rewarding. I have a healthy marriage and my boys are happy.

Honestly my reasoning for wanting friends is for the positive influence. "You are the sum of your peers" and so I want to be around successful people.

If I were you, I'd dump the old friends. Find people who value you and your mindset.

5mileys
5mileys

@MPmaster
If I were you, I'd dump the old friends. Find people who value you and your mindset.

I completely understand the reasoning, but damn, that's cold, man.

Imagine if you were he less successful buddy.

iluvmen
iluvmen

Yeah that's life

PackManBrainlure
PackManBrainlure

@5mileys
I'll put this way, one of my employees is kind of my friend (terrible idea I know) and he's a nice guy. Everything he cares about I could care less and vice versa. He wants to party and I don't. He likes video games and I don't. It runs deeper than that though. Our priorities are completely different. Why force anything? Why put effort into a relationship that has no effective payoff for either side? So we're more coworkers/acquaintances free to pursue friendships that suit our personalities and priorities. As to the "less successful" friend, who says he's less successful? Apparently he doesn't care and is likely successful in his own mind. You're probably "failed" at life because now you live a "boring life with a family and a demanding job". Don't worry about it.

RavySnake
RavySnake

@TreeEater
Yeah, it happens.

A lot of it also has to do with just growing apart and developing as a person/independently of your original friend group.

A lot of my friends stopped hanging out with me once I dumped my college girlfriend, since she was viewed as the victim after the breakup. It's whatever, I can handle the stigma, since I know that it was the right thing to do.

It is what it is. People come into your life, people leave, for various reasons, and at various times. It's part of life; I have plenty of good friends and good people who I've just fallen out of touch with, and that's just life sometimes. Ascribing some greater meaning to it is overanalyzing in most cases; it's not like it changes anything in the long run, anyway, especially if it would require you sacrificing your personal ethics to do so. I mean, what are you going to do? Give up on your ambitions so you can relate to people you don't share values with? Seems self-defeatist to me.

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

In the process of it now he's gone full blown meth head my guess is to try escape reality

Inmate
Inmate

@Emberfire

Underrated.

Playboyize
Playboyize

Op, I'm a relatively successful 34 year old. With a lot of unsuccessful friends.

Career oriented. Driven and learning everything I can every day. Constantly reinventing myself and building a better me.

When I look at people whoever they are in relation to me I almost imagine them as a different new person every day. Their past is an indicator of volatility, but not much else to me.

I don't look to them for validation, or motivation, but if they offer any I will gladly accept it.

I remain constant throughout the process.

Techpill
Techpill

@Playboyize
Career oriented. Driven and learning everything I can every day. Constantly reinventing myself and building a better me.
This isn't a resume you fucking fruit.

Evilember
Evilember

Not really due to difference in career, but in education.

Went to a more classic harder high school, which aims for its students to go to university, while a few friends picked oriented blue collar high schools with outright specializations any almost no possibility of university.

Granted, they started to work earlier and the pay is not so bad, but their attitude and general outlook on life and the world is pure shit. Everyone that does not confer to their world views are considered mentally handicapped, brainwashed and unable to do any hand work. And they also spend their time and money wasting it on booze and cursing over any and all governments, politics, economics, neighbors and any other thing that comes to their mind.

Flameblow
Flameblow

@Techpill
Implying what he's saying is wrong to believe and follow.

StonedTime
StonedTime

Side note, how does the successful /biz/ness man make friends come 23 - 35 years old? I'm not one to mingle with coworkers much (workplace drama ain't my thing). Do you guys join any particular types of groups after work where you get to work towards bettering yourself while meeting growth-oriented people?

I'm 24 now and am starting to peel away from H.S. and college friends. They're great guys but aren't what I'd want to be the average of.

FastChef
FastChef

@Flameblow
completely missing the point
Wanna know how I know you're not gonna make it?

Nojokur
Nojokur

@Emberfire
Gold

Fried_Sushi
Fried_Sushi

@MPmaster
Damn, I'm never having kids.

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

@MPmaster
Kids change a lot of it
I agree, although it happens indirectly. Some of it is 'old friends' not knowing how to react to kids - thinking they're some form of alien or cunts like in all the 'lol parenting destroys souls n kidz r evil' movies.

I guess some of it is also about 'growing up' although I never felt like I 'changed' but then when I look at my 'old friends' and how little they've progressed in life in terms of relationships, family etc. I guess I have changed - just barely noticed.

When I FIRST became a dad my friends would try to ignore the fact and still call me up at 11pm drunk telling me to come out party - after about 10 tries they gave up entirely, rather than try to compromise.

Techpill
Techpill

@Fried_Sushi
You shouldn't, unless you can provide for them... so be top 20% in the country. Then they are fantastic.

@TreeEater
There was a book 'never have dinner alone' . Even if you're short on time, by always booking in a dinner meeting with literally anyone, you'll make friends. You're going to eat dinner anyway, might as well spend that time talking to someone new.

I've been having sucess with 'meetup.com' have found some somewhat motivated people to talk afterwork with at the pub.

Snarelure
Snarelure

OP here...

So the general summary of all the comments here is basically:

"You've outgrown your childhood friends, move on and find better friends for your current interests."

Not exactly what I was hoping for...

It's almost like segregating ourselves into our respective classes/castes.

TalkBomber
TalkBomber

@Techpill
Thanks man

PurpleCharger
PurpleCharger

@Snarelure
Shit changes, deal with it and move on.

Stark_Naked
Stark_Naked

@Fried_Sushi
Kids are fantastic. My kids barely talk and I've laughed more with them than I have with anyone else. One of my sons goose steps around the house and it's fucking hilarious. The other says "ass" instead of yes.

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@Snarelure
Change is never easy. I'm sure you'll be happier in the end.

Garbage Can Lid
Garbage Can Lid

@TreeEater
Reporting in

I'm the guy that made this thread
/biz/thread/1415502#p1415502

I don't talk to any of my friends from when I was a kid/early 20s. Totally different paths in life, makes it impossible to relate. I'd visit old friends and it would be like entering a time capsule because they weren't going anywhere in life.

People are insecure and get envious so easily. Even my own father seems to feel threatened by my success relative to him; shit is depressing.

Honestly most people in this world are not worth your time. People have this just world fallacy where everyone has redeeming qualities when in reality most people are just pure shit.

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@TreeEater
Friends are overrated OP. I prefer associates. I don't give a shit about no one that I don't consider an asset. If these friends you can an value to you life than reach out to them

viagrandad
viagrandad

@Techpill

Like I said, I'm in my late 30's.

I guess I didn't mention I'm an entrepreneur. So to me the switch never really flips off any more. When I'm out socializing it's with vendors and clients. They're in fact friends, but we have a more complex relationship that simple friends because there's potentially something to be gained or lost from our interactions.

I suppose I talk like that because I'm always switched on selling myself to people. People respond pretty positively to it though, so do with that what you will.

cum2soon
cum2soon

@Snarelure

I'd like to say if you read my post above it was:

Don't seek validation or personal motivation from your friends. They can change any day.

You never know when you might be the motivation that makes someone very successful and perhaps you get rewarded for that in your own way.

You don't need to get things out of all of your relationships.

It's proven that giving is one of the most valuable factors in the happiness quotient, so why not focus on giving to your friends?

Inmate
Inmate

tfw not even successful but still drifting away from friends because all they do is consume mainstream media and I can no longer relate to them

Sounds pretty pretentious, but when I hang out with them they just talk about stupid shit like pokemon go, superhero movies, going to raves, gossiping about people from highschool, I just smile and nod

I now have more in common with my 40 year old immigrant coworkers

idontknow
idontknow

@Snarelure
Newsflash: people should be, and are, segregated into various classes.

Not everyone is equal. This should be painfully obvious to someone who's been on this planet for ~35 years.

hairygrape
hairygrape

@Harmless_Venom
This

Every friendship is a transaction, you just don't consciously realize it.

Flameblow
Flameblow

@TreeEater

Not really. I'd say more the wife/kids changes everything.

Over the years I've had many many friends where we used to hang out constantly. Then when they got a wife we hung out much less. Then when they had their 1st kid, the friendship ended entirely.

I wasn't rude about it and was happy to hang out with wife/kids and play with the kid. But most people, once they have a kid they cut friends off almost entirely. Maybe just the childless friends? IDK.

Only had one friend where money got in the way. He started working for his parents company and started making loads of it. But he got really irritating and insufferable. Constant arrogance and braggery.

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@MPmaster

Teaching your kids that it's important to be around people with money and not around people without it.

Great.

RumChicken
RumChicken

@TreeEater
I always liked the rule "the most that a friendship will last is 8 years". Though most of mine end at 2 years. Different interests, different goals, etc.

StonedTime
StonedTime

@StonedTime

Church or Clubs (like a running club as an example)

Church is actually pretty fun (outside the Sunday service I mean). Just don't drink all the Koolaid if you get my drift.

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@RumChicken

Currently 30.

Still have 5 friends from the time I was 16.

BunnyJinx
BunnyJinx

@cum2soon
Don't take it the wrong way but you're not friends with those people, not anymore.

If in your mind you see them as failures due to working service jobs, renting or not having/not being able to afford a family, its gonna show.

I had a friend like you and we were friends since childhood. He's a VERY SMART guy, had his own company, bought property for himself. One day I invited him in to my parents place to get something for him and his comment was "Well this is livable" (the other place before was even shittier, and they're all rentals). I'm doing way better now, and even though part of me wants to reach out, for now I don't. Why bring the guy down to my level.

tldr: you need to get successful big shot friends.

Nojokur
Nojokur

was "friends" with a bunch of burnouts around high school, there one guy I was inseparable from up into graduation. I stopped talking to him the minute I left because he was such an asshole

Need_TLC
Need_TLC

@RumChicken
"the most that a friendship will last is 8 years"

wat? friends have an expiration date?

am I old fashioned thinking people still have life long friends?

Garbage Can Lid
Garbage Can Lid

@BunnyJinx
If in your mind you see them as failures due to working service jobs, renting or not having/not being able to afford a family, its gonna show.

Part of why I still reach out to them is because of guilt, i guess.

I'm doing better, so I want to help. But it seems my buddies are even rejecting my 'help.'

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@TreeEater
I agree. I used to be a lazy fuck who played vidya all day and had many friends because of that.

Was also a fratboy degenerate and did all kind of drugs.

As I moved away from certain hobbies, certain friends went away.

I'm only good friends with 2 people I was friends with before finishing college.

Now I run my own business and cant be asked to make more friends because I have enough clients bothering me during weekends, afternoons, etc..

Soon, I'll stop talking to clients on Sundays and socialize more, but right now we are expanding and I need to be on top of things.

MPmaster
MPmaster

@BlogWobbles
success=/=money
I want to be around people who are successful in their life goals and ambitions, that might mean financially successful but it's not limited to that.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

Go play a sport or take up a physical hobby. Martial arts are necessary to the development of any man. You'll make good buddies and do something positive and enjoyable.

viagrandad
viagrandad

@MPmaster

Lol, the mental gymnastics you are doing to convince yourself you are a good person.

Deadlyinx
Deadlyinx

@TreeEater
I dropped out of college and all my friends finished and got great jobs. I stopped talking to them out of shame, mostly. Now that I'm regaining my confidence and try to reach out to them, they don't really seem interested anymore...

PackManBrainlure
PackManBrainlure

@Inmate
Same

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

@TreeEater
loser with loser friends
successful and lonely
you can only pick one

Need_TLC
Need_TLC

@Burnblaze
Add in
successful with sucessful friends
sucessful with friends who you can never really trust because they love your money

Sharpcharm
Sharpcharm

Jesus christ you all are some cold hearted people.

Carnalpleasure
Carnalpleasure

@Sharpcharm

It's Veeky Forums. People think they are cool by talking about how they are such savage capitalists and aristocrats.

LuckyDusty
LuckyDusty

@idontknow
you're a good friend

MPmaster
MPmaster

OP you sound insufferable. Big red flag that all of your old friends are leaving, not just one or two. You realize that someone working retail or a blue collar job with no family can easily be better off than a guy making 150K, with a family, in one of the most expensive parts of the country. Maybe when tech bubble crashes and your wife cucks you you'll realize you never even left the middle class.

Crazy_Nice
Crazy_Nice

@Inmate
tfw this relevant to my dating life
have trouble carrying a conversation with any girl between the age of 21-30
conversations with a 40 year old woman flow perfectly naturally
talk about career stuff, some philosophy (not a lot, don't particularly enjoy it anyway), and general banter

It's weird man. My friends who I graduated with are in the same boat, but I think they're kind of the exception rather than the rule due to their respective successes. But girls... I just don't know how to even feign interest about whatever they hell they're talk about, I don't give a shit about that dress Jenny was wearing last weekend.

massdebater
massdebater

pretty much all my old highschool crew are literally going nowhere in life working minimum wage or serving jobs as a career or strung out on drugs in some nowhere state. About half of them are still in community college 6 years later. I'm one of the few that moved out so that might have something to do with it but unlikely.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@Crazy_Nice

IKTFB.

I get along great with 40+ women.

It's nearly impossible to converse with a girl under 22.

5mileys
5mileys

@massdebater
pic related keks

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@King_Martha
Sometimes people are implying they need life advice

have close friend
close friend has job and pays rent/bills
hours get cut, friend goes out less and plays old games
stays at shitty job while keeping no savings
plays xbox games from 2008 in current year more hours a week than he works
friend gets $0.09/hour raise
keep bringing up that he should look for a new job since he's getting but fucked so much
yea I know etc etc
tells me he looked at a few jobs and saved them for later, or has worked on his resume (has engineering degree with no internships)
I did different degree but had internships so I'm starting career while he's in retail tier work

I really want to help this guy but at the same time I don't want anything to do with him if he is going to live a minimal life.

FastChef
FastChef

All my friends from highschool and childhood are fuck ups or liberals, made new bestie....he's a career driven alcoholic but loyal and we both help each other out.....wife and kids make you grow up real fast or you can be a poor shithead complaining about how everyone else has it better or go out and shovel shit and educate yourself and rise above, we were both poor niggas growing up made no excuses followed dreams... Now living them.

Picture related...my bros new hellcat 700 hp btw that's his GTR next to it.

Never give up fuck weak minded lazy cunts

Nojokur
Nojokur

@TreeEater
mfw primary school friend who's academically and economically very close to me
we've been chatting for decades after primary school separated us but we still hang out every few years
both of us are autists who used to do autistic things like pick grass flowers draw silly stickman comics in primary school

Stark_Naked
Stark_Naked

@Harmless_Venom
They're like people who interacting with isn't a chore. They're people who make doing silly things like going to museums fun. They're people whose mere presence make vidya twice as enjoyable.

Garbage Can Lid
Garbage Can Lid

@cum2soon
You may not feel it. But compared rto everyone else on the planet and a great deal of your fellow countrymen you are wildly successful. Everything us breaking down into the haves and the have nots.

w8t4u
w8t4u

You grew up OP, that's all. It's important to remember not everyone does. Some of them might be good friends you've known most of your life.

I have a really good friend I recently stopped talking to. I've known the guy since I was 9 and we're in our 30's now.

He's single, still into video games, claims he's hyper-focused on his "career" yet to date that means forever college student. Which isn't bad but I'm married, just bought a house.. we just don't relate any more.

You'll meet other like minded people eventually. Just focus on your family/career/goals - that's what I do. Takes up most of my time anyway.

@Sharpcharm
Not really. I've got a suspicion this is one of the few boards not filled with 18-year-olds. Your thinking changes once you're over 25. One day you wake up and look at the world completely differently. It's the weirdest thing but It just happens and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

girlDog
girlDog

@idontknow
I tried doing the same with a couple friends. I think they took it in bad taste; when that was not my intention whatsoever. I'm just trying to help, but they seem to be pushing me further and further away :(

Skullbone
Skullbone

Everyone's saying people in here are cold or arrogant or whatever, but hey, anyone can be a dropout. Anyone can fuck around and do nothing. Not everyone achieves what people like OP achieve. Why wouldn't he feel proud of it? And why wouldn't you want to "segregate" out the people who don't fit your values and interests? Thats what humans have been doing since the beginning of time, since we had tribes and villages and nothing more.

Disable AdBlock to view this page

Disable AdBlock to view this page