***

Carnalpleasure
Carnalpleasure

be me
tl;dr potential to work for a very reputable multinational firm for a lucrative package
tl;dr need to relocate and move away from family

***
Dude reached out to me via LinkedIn. He likes my skills.

I'm looking at an offering the $130k range, base. Probably $150-180k. Plus relocation and $20k signing bonus and average $15-40k annual bonus plus stocks.

I'd have to move my wife and kids away from my in laws. I'd have to move away from my oldest son. We were estranged for a few years and only recently re-established our relationship.

The company has a huge reputation for huge expectations. It's cut-throat as fuck.

Lots and lots of room for advancement. Very safe industry, very safe career niche.

Or. I stay put in my $95k job.

***
What does Veeky Forums think?

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

@Carnalpleasure
Leave and your older kid will probably hate you and I mean HATE you. Well depends how old he is I guess. That and the emotional support of the in-laws. What's that worth to your wife? Worth 35k and more work stress? Idk. Most people here won't understand. They don't have families to consider.

Emberburn
Emberburn

@Carnalpleasure
go to current job.
leverage offer to get more money while staying put.
profit.

TurtleCat
TurtleCat

@Burnblaze
This is precisely my biggest concern.

I've completely flipped the script on his mom. My relationship with my oldest is fantastic now. He hates his mom and accuses her of "just wanting money"

I spoke with him tonight. He sounded a bit choked up.

I'd only be 3 hours away. But the notion of picking him up, barbecuing him a steak and driving him back to his mom's would no longer be realistic.

On the other hand, I remarried, and had more sons. They're 5, and 1. My oldest loves his baby brothers. My oldest was definitely mentioning this notion that they'd go to good schools, and wouldn't struggle like he did.

Fuck man. It's a lot to think about.

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@Emberburn
My current employer just laid off 10% of the company. I survived. Go me.

We won't get a merit increase until Q1 2017.

There is no way my current employer will compete with this giant multinational firm. The firm is more than prepared to engage in a bidding war, anyway.

It's go or stay, not play politics.

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

@TurtleCat
@ZeroReborn
Damm. Tough call. Sounds like the other job might have more job security and your oldest would sort of understand. Originally I'd say stay, but I'm torn. File to have the oldest more often?

viagrandad
viagrandad

@Carnalpleasure
Id move

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

@TurtleCat
3 hours isnt that far man , that isnt even a red eye - you could do that every weekend

Do the in laws babysit? That you can quantify and 35k less taxes vs tons of babysitter - might be a push

5mileys
5mileys

@Stupidasole
Oh he's 19. Lol.

All that custody shit is over.

I actually invited him to move up with me. We're going to talk about that more this weekend.

I haven't even interviewed. Maybe I only look good on paper.

Leaving now would be ideal for the youngest boys. 5 and 1. We haven't even enrolled the 5 year old in kindergarten. It really hinges on my oldest. But he's my first. But this would be completely disruptive to the youngest. Any other time would really fuck with their circle of friends and sure it happens all the time but its the stuff of sad mopey coming of age stories. And I kind of want to avoid doing that. I had to do that. It kinda sucked.

I'm rambling. I've been drinking.

Methnerd
Methnerd

@5mileys
hes 19

take the job. i mean its 3 hours away, fuck me thats like nothing. and getting great salary. dont be fucking stupid, this is the best chance you will probably get in a while.

youre not going to get any younger, and the older you are the more difficult it will get. if you really feel that bad about your eldest son whom you can visit literally any day because 3 hours is nothing, buy him a shitty car for like 5k from your new salary. he will be super happy, i promise. its every 19 year olds dream to get a car

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@Methnerd
buy him a car

You're a fucking genius. I'm gonna give him my piece of shit commuter lol.

RumChicken
RumChicken

@Methnerd
This, OP.

Take the fucking job. Your oldest son will grow to appreciate all of the opportunities that your position provides him.

Illusionz
Illusionz

OP, it essentially boils down to two things.

1) Have a more lucrative job
2) Be in good relationships

You can't have both. Choose the one that's the most important to you.

Dreamworx
Dreamworx

okay re-read the thread. Disregard @Illusionz

but there still is a possibility you will be more miserable at your new position due to work stress and other bullshit. If you could take all of your lads with you that's great, but still there's lots of other things that might fuck it up for you.

I'm not in your shoes, so I can't really say anything. Hard choices m8, but I hope you make the right call

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@Carnalpleasure
Don't move the wife or kids. Fly home on weekends.

My father did this growing up, went from CIO down to sales overseas earning same amount. Then proceeded to work an hour away from home by car daily and was earning two times what he was five years ago as CIO. Your family is your most important asset right now. If you wanted money, you would move to Hong Kong and make big bank like most washed out aussies do in business and IT once their kids move out. Do not board your kids, do not live above your means, and keep in contact with your kids and teach them to value whatever time they have with you. The more you use money as an object and run your family like a business, the more your kids will grow to resent you as they pass the teen years.

Are you a good father now? Do your kids value time they get with you? Compare work hours and travel time, and THEN salary. Calculate each hour you lose with your loved ones versus how much of a raise you are getting.

DO NOT MOVE YOUR WIFE OR KIDS AWAY FROM WHERE THEY CURRENTLY ARE, AND DO NOT CHANGE THEIR SCHOOL/HOUSE.

I speak as someone who has seen their family unfold based on money, and beg you to value the time you get with your lived ones more than money.

Lord_Tryzalot
Lord_Tryzalot

@Raving_Cute
I can't accept living without my wife or my sons.

Either we all move .. (or most of us do) .. of none of us do.

My wife and I - our first, my middle son, the 5 year old. He's 5. He's not even in kindergarten. The other one is 1.

I worry about taking my wife away from my mom but she seems not stressed.

She used to live in the city where new potential employer is. And we have lots of friends there.

Besides. Say I'm making an extra $6-700/week in my fancy pants new job, if I'm blowing it all on a hotel and they're home then what's the point of even taking the job? I just did a lateral transfer in terms of spending capital and also I gave up visitation and also sex. Dude I love my kids. I love my wife. And also her pussy.

No its either all in or I fold.

Poker_Star
Poker_Star

@Lord_Tryzalot
This is going to sound dumb, but why cant 19 y/o move if he's interested?

Nothing wrong with relocating, especially if renting. If the salary is really that much better, a few hundred extra on rent is nothing. Get a nice place, with good schools, and be happy. If wifey is concerned, give her some free reign to pick a few places, and then figure out details from there.

Methshot
Methshot

@BlogWobbles
For the record, the answer is corolla. Cheap, indestructible, good mileage, abundant parts, safe. The very definition of a econo shitbox. If you aren't in a rustbelt, and aren't a cheap fuck on routine maintenance they'll easily make it to 300-400k miles.

I'd still drive mine if I didn't need to haul so much shit around. Sure I've got ventilated seats now, and I love every minute of them for 8 months of the year, but I sure as shit don't need them.

TreeEater
TreeEater

@Lord_Tryzalot
The way you put it, I assumed you would have the employer pay for your accommodation and flights. Pretty common in higher corporate positions. Ask for an away from home allowance instead of bonuses? All the best, however.

PackManBrainlure
PackManBrainlure

@Methshot
Can confirm. Father's 1987 corolla runs for less than 1k AUD a year for maintenance and insurance. Purrs on every day, no hassle.

Fried_Sushi
Fried_Sushi

Bumping for the daytime crowd.

@Poker_Star
I suggested this. I'll bring it up again today. My oldest has always been a little wary of change. He has his first real job, and a fixed circle of friends. But I'll talk with him about it again. I'd love to bring him along.

@TreeEater

I wouldn't say the positions too high. Tier 5 or 6 on an 8 tier scale.

I honestly can't see spending a full week away from my wife and little kids. I had to do that shit with the first wife and kid because of divorce shit. Weekdays got lonesome, I drank a lot. I really cherish my time with kids when they're young. I hated when courts forced less time for me due to custody shit the last thing I'd want to do is to do that voluntarily. Plus, my wife is my best friend and I'd miss the shit out of her as well. I just can't see me moving away from the family as a feasible situation. I'd go crazy, they'd grow resentful.

Playboyize
Playboyize

@Fried_Sushi
I mean, worst case scenario your oldest doesn't want to move, or has a valid reason for not doing so. Get him an econo shitbox in good condition for like 5k, have a good mechanic give it a COMPREHENSIVE inspection before you buy it, and throw a grand at new tires, full fluid changes, wipers, headlights, belts, brakes, etc. Set it up so that he's essentially good for 20-30k miles outside of oil changes.

I don't envy your position, but you can definitely make it work with your kids and your wife, particularly if you just come at it from the angle of, "I want to do this, you decide how we do it." Your younger kids won't even really notice, unless the middle one has some serious anxiety issues or something, and even then. Assuming your wife isn't employed, she has no real roots outside of family, which she can remain in contact with. This might be a golden opportunity to move to a better place, and to pick your school district.

TurtleCat
TurtleCat

@Lord_Tryzalot
Makes me want to fuck the shit out of your wife. You got pics op?

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@Lord_Tryzalot
Pussy pics to be exact otherwise Veeky Forums is done here

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

@TurtleCat
@BlogWobbles
Lol I am not posting pics of my wife's delicious pussy.

Last night our 5 year old walked in on us though. So that was awkward.

DeathDog
DeathDog

@CouchChiller
So you do have pics? Just post one or gtfo op

TechHater
TechHater

Your oldest son should be in college or trade school at 19. Help him fund that so that he can move out from his mothers and out from you. Do you want your kid to be a NEET?

Boy_vs_Girl
Boy_vs_Girl

@TechHater
Fuck man I know but he doesn't want to go to trade school until he has his own place. We talk about it a lot but he's a grown ass man now. A young dumb naive grown ass man but a grown ass man just the same. I can't ground him and I'm not going to give him ultimatums.

I'd prefer if he was in school. He has a steady job instead. Which is the first "e" in NEET.

His mom is charging him a shitload of rent. Don't even get me started on that. She's a fucking bum. She hasn't received a single paycheck in over a decade. She's on disability for agoraphobia even though she's some kind of local area big shot in the slam poetry scene. It fucking annoys me. Now that she can't live off my support so she's cut out the middleman and she's taxing her own kid directly. He pays $370 a month in rent and still has to help with "chores" and has a fucking curfew. Shit gets me so heated.

I really think convincing him to move 3 hours away from her would do him a lot of good. Explore a little more of the world than moms shitty ghetto and dad's boring suburb.

Playboyize
Playboyize

@Boy_vs_Girl
tfw 22 and live with my mom and she charges me $500 in rent and is constantly up my ass about where I'm going/what I'm doing
anytime I suggest moving out she pulls this whole "but user I thought you were considering grad school you should stay and save money, the rent you pay me is still cheaper than an apartment and I need the money" bullshit

OP I don't have a dad around and never really did. I work full time making $55k/yr before taxes. Can you pretend I'm your son and give me some fatherly advice? How do I move out without pissing off my mom and what little family I have left? I also have a millionaire grandfather who is threatening shit like writing me out of the will if I don't quit my job and go to grad school.

What do dad?

Snarelure
Snarelure

Wew I'm glad I'm not married. I would take the offer in a heartbeat.

Firespawn
Firespawn

@Playboyize
What do dad?
I'll write you out of my will if you don't quit your job and go to grad school.

Flameblow
Flameblow

@Playboyize
round and never really did. I work full time making $55k/yr before taxes. Can you pretend I'm your son and give me some fatherly advice? How do I move out without pissing off my mom and what little family I have left?

You don't. You nut up and tell them to go fuck themselves. You are letting people emotionally abuse you, and nothing will ever change until you call their bluff and move on. The sooner the better, before your perceptions of normal are irreparably damaged.

They will scream, and they will threaten. Let them. You don't need them, and even acknowledging them justifies their position.

I also have a millionaire grandfather who is threatening shit like writing me out of the will if I don't quit my job and go to grad school.

Who fucking cares? Make your own life. If you don't need him, so what if he doesn't give you anything? Maybe he just wants you to man up and be decent. Maybe not. Inheritances are frequently the tools of abusers. Maybe your grandfather is. Maybe not. We don't have the information.

Let me lay this out for you. There is a very real chance that you will never see a dime of that money, regardless of what you do. So never plan around having it. Assume the worst. If anyone ever tries to leverage an inheritance over you, tell them they can put it in a trust for you right now, as a show of good faith, or that you don't care about their opinion, and couldn't trust them as far as you could throw them.

King_Martha
King_Martha

@Flameblow
I honestly don't know him well enough to tell you if he is an abuser either. He didn't have much contact with me for the past ten years or so because he didn't like my stepdad. When my mother divorced my stepdad about two years ago my grandfather started trying to contact us more, mainly because my mom was going to him to get money to pay for the divorce. Honestly when I do talk to him it's only him patronizing me for not going to grad school. I don't really know what to talk to him about and he only wants to talk about that. There's only one piece of real leverage he has over me and that's my car.

When my mom was going through the divorce, I lost my car. This was last year. The car that I was driving had been titled in my stepdad's name and since it was his old car and he didn't want me to have it and since he was pissed at my mom he took it away. I had just gotten my current job and was planning on just buying a used car with cash. My mother and grandfather both told me what a terrible idea that was because "used cars are so unreliable and unsafe". My grandfather used to own some dealerships back in the day and definitely still has that mentality.

My grandfather convinced me to finance a new car in my name from a dealership that he used to own and is now owned by my uncle, and he would make the payments for me. I hate the shitty way this was done because obviously if I piss him off he could stop making the payments. It's leverage and another thing he holds over me. I have since saved up money to pay off the car if he ever stops, and he's recently been threatening to stop doing that as well. He set up the same arrangement with my younger sister, who had just graduated highschool at the time and had no money.

I'm sorry for typing all this out, I didn't intend to hijack this guy's thread. This shit has just really been stressing me out and I don't tell anyone I know about it because I'm honestly embarrassed.

w8t4u
w8t4u

@Playboyize
Hey bud, OP here. Basically what this gentleman said - @Flameblow
Now may I humbly suggest that you don't say "fuck yourself" in those words.

Your life is yours. I mean that. You literally can not influence *anyone* to the point where they cede to your will and do so happily. We all make our own life choices and that's the only thing we have control over.

That said, you have 100% control over your choices. Even my tough spot where I'm like "wat do Veeky Forums?" At the end of the day it'll still be me making a decision.

And that's powerful you know? You can do whatever you want. Maybe it'll piss someone off. You can still do it.

My advice is, move out. Do it as tactfully as you can but do it. Your mom might rage. Or guilt trip you. Or spiral into depression. Know this though. You can't control that.

Staying though, is yielding control. It gives her that power that you have. You're not a kid anymore. You're 22. It's time to go out into the world, find fortune, fuck up and feel scared about the future, power through adversity and know, really know, the fierce joy of saying "fuck yea *I* just overcame that!"

hairygrape
hairygrape

@w8t4u
@Playboyize
As for your grandfather I'd say the same.

Fuck his will. Never count on that. Never.

He's an idiot for one thing. He's literally setting himself up for a position where his family, his loved ones, who cede to his will, are actively counting on *HIS OWN DEATH* for their own good fortune.

How dumb.

Don't cede to his will out of hope he dies and gives you money. That's disgusting.

You do you. If he's proud he's proud. If he's not, well, you still do you. If he gives you money when he dies or if he doesn't .. you can't control that. Don't try to. Don't try to control his decisions with his will and don't let him try to control you.

You're 22. You're a man. You're a young man but you're a man.

Go be a man. Kiss your mother good bye and tell your grandpa you don't need his money if it comes with strings attached.

We live in a beautiful nation of opportunity. It's scary and mean and it'll fuck you up if you're not careful. But you need to start exploring it.

***
That's what I'd say.

Methnerd
Methnerd

@w8t4u
@hairygrape
T-thanks dad

PackManBrainlure
PackManBrainlure

@hairygrape
Wife's Pusssy pics op or some ass

Snarelure
Snarelure

@w8t4u
@hairygrape
You know the irony of all this is, my son has a millionaire grandpa who throws his money and opinion around. I really like the guy to be honest. But unlike his shitty daughter, my ex wife .. unlike her I'm forging a path where I don't need and don't expect any kind of generous gift from his will. Sure free money would be great. But it's fleeting. It comes and it goes even if it's a lot.

So I advise my own son, just try to cherish your time with your grandpa, go fishing or enjoy steaks with him. Don't look ahead to the fortune you'll get when he dies. When he dies it should be a sad event, a day of mourning not a day of blessing.

I feel like our mutual old man millionaires in our lives are foolishly surrounding themselves with loved ones who actively hope for their demise. Which is sad.

My will comes with no strings and isn't discussed. I feel like that's the smarter play.

I don't know if you should tell him that necessarily but maybe try to treat him like that.

***
That said, what's so bad about grad school? :)

RavySnake
RavySnake

@Raving_Cute
@TreeEater
You wanna know what's crazy? My wife asked this morning about having me rent a cheap studio and come home on weekends. Maybe try to negotiate a few telecommute days.

So that's a game changer.

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

@King_Martha
Yeah, that car fits the patterns of abuse perfectly. You'll never see a cent of that money. It's possible he doesn't even have it. Narcissists only care about their own image. He doesn't want you to go to grad school for you. He wants you to go so he can lord how influential he was in the process over you and parade you around as an example of how great of a person he is.

It's possible that he's not that bad, but it fits the mold perfectly.

Move on with your life. You won't lose anything by doing so. Maybe you go to grad school. Maybe you don't.

eGremlin
eGremlin

@RavySnake
Perfect opportunity to bring the topic up then. Ask her about taking the job. If things work out, she can move closer, and have her pick of schools.

GoogleCat
GoogleCat

@w8t4u
Now may I humbly suggest that you don't say "fuck yourself" in those words.

Really depends. Crazies often fail to grasp subtlety, and narcissists will take anything but an extinction burst as an excuse to turn up the pressure.

Going nuclear isn't pretty, but it definitely minimizes the long term effects. Make it clear that you aren't considering their opinion, and that it is unwanted. They turn it up. You get a lawyer and have them served with a nasty C&D. They keep going. You get a restraining order. They keep going. They get hit with contempt of court.

It's depressingly common for this exact scenario to play out. The shortest path is a brutal one, but most people wish that they had taken it. Just because you are capable of empathy and reason doesn't mean the person across from you is. Play hardball and do it once, or play softball and do it again and again. Keep your documentation of everything in order and give them enough rope to hang themselves.

Stark_Naked
Stark_Naked

@Snarelure
To be quite honest there's nothing bad about grad school. I just wanted some time off from school and to test the workforce waters. I powered through college and finished in three years and got a job right after. The plan was to save money while I worked and then look into grad school options that I could do while I was working. I feel like grad degree + actual work experience would also probably put me in a better position anyway.

I'm also not entirely sure what I want to go to grad school for and I don't want to spend thousands on something I don't feel sure about. Of course my grandfather tells me that if I get loans he can help me pay them off if I finish grad school, but I hate the idea of taking out thousands in loans and hoping for the kindness of someone else to pay it off. Essentially, if I'm going to go I will do it on my own terms. My grandfather also seems to be kind of delusional on the subject. He seems to think that if I can just get an MBA I will land a job making $250k> starting with no problem.

I share your belief in that the will shouldn't be discussed and that nobody should be looking forward to when someone dies just because they might get money out of it.

MPmaster
MPmaster

@Stark_Naked
Of course my grandfather tells me that if I get loans he can help me pay them off

Of course he does. Of course he does.

Tell him he can pay for it outright or you won't discuss the issue further. If he agrees, he may just be a bit crazy/delusional, and want what he thinks is good for you. If he is against, you have your answer. He's trying to gain power over you, and is an abuser.

girlDog
girlDog

@Stark_Naked
Well I'll tell you something bud, I wouldn't necessarily recommend my own fucked up life path to everyone .. BUT .. I'm entertaining an opportunity for a $150k/year job plus stocks and bonuses, and I have nothing but a shitty associates degree in music from a dead end community college.

By your second or third office job, employers kind of stop giving a shit where you went to school. PhD from Stanford. BA from Iowa State. It's all the same once you hit your 30's.

The one notable exception is serving with the armed forces. That's a degree of education and experience and fraternity that lasts your whole life. Wasn't for me though. But military dudes almost always seem to get the white glove treatment especially if one of the hiring managers is former military as well.

askme
askme

@Carnalpleasure
being contacted about an amazing job over linkedin
I think you might be getting ahead of yourself, unless you are in the interview process or have been offered a contract, I'd say you are counting your chickens before they hatch based on a private message over social media.

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@askme
I had a 30 minute discussion with one of the hiring managers yesterday. I still have the rest of the interview process but they're already asking if I'm comfortable moving.

Snarelure
Snarelure

@kizzmybutt
but they're already asking if I'm comfortable moving.
That's literally the first thing they ask anyone at the start of any job, along with unsociable hours.
Why would any business want to spend time getting someone through the recruitment process just to discover later on that they don't want to move for the job?

CodeBuns
CodeBuns

@Snarelure
Fair enough. Still, I'm planning for success so I'm not caught off guard when I find it. :)

Fuzzy_Logic
Fuzzy_Logic

@girlDog
I'm entertaining an opportunity for a $150k/year job plus stocks and bonuses, and I have nothing but a shitty associates degree in music from a dead end community college.

Can you expand more on this? I'd love to hear your story

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@CodeBuns
No pics of wife? Faggot

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