How do i get social skills?

Skullbone
Skullbone

how do i get social skills?

taking group dance lessons
i don't say anything to others in the class
today before class, the only attractive cougar in the class said hi to me, and stood next to me while we waited for the previous class to end
i didn't say anything to her other than hi back, then silence for about four minutes, i just stared at the wall, instead of my phone
enter class
see the tall, good looking guy talking to girls before class, laughing, etc. he's always talking to the grills
i just stood there, staring at nothing tbqh until the instructor was ready
at the end of class i just left

tfw didn't get to dance with my class crush today
what do?

how do i get better social skills, make friends and possibly a gf from these classes?

All urls found in this thread:
http://www.simplybodylanguage.com/
http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/body_language.htm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoL0-SKAH_A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODjE-_OB3JI
SniperWish
SniperWish

@Skullbone
you gotta talk to people bruv, only way I started getting over my anxiety

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

Start small. When you’re waiting for something like a class you can just shoot the shit with people. Talk about stuff like the weather or other inoffensive things anybody can relate to. Once you’ve initiated conversation you can introduce yourself and talk about other things like work or school.

iluvmen
iluvmen

@Skullbone
Youre putting too much pressure on yourself. You don't need to solve all the world's problems in the conversation. You literally just have to waste time talk about anything, see how they respond and adjust accordingly

Methnerd
Methnerd

@Skullbone
You gotta realize that some of them might be just as intimidated to talk to you as you are to them. Kinda like the saying "a bee is just as scared as you as you are of it" Just go talk to ppl OP

TurtleCat
TurtleCat

@Skullbone
It seems like you joined this class with the sole intention of getting laid/getting a gf. While that is what most people do, you are trying too hard. Try to actually enjoy the dancing and naturally you will act more approachable and sociable. Just treat these people like some buds that all have a common interest and talk to them about, dare I say it, dancing?

TechHater
TechHater

@SniperWish
i don't know what to talk about and what to say exactly

@Spazyfool
weather
i find it difficult to say obvious things about the weather... "it's gotten cold recently". it feels forced to me tbqh
what are other inoffensive things i can talk about?

Need_TLC
Need_TLC

@Skullbone
Just start out shooting the shit with people and work your way up. Just like your weight training, man. Start out small, lift heavier as you go along. Be confident and happy. Don't pretend to be someone you're not, but try to cast yourself in a positive way without being a smug asshole.

Boy_vs_Girl
Boy_vs_Girl

@TechHater
What hobbies do you have? what kind of movies do you like? Also if you're having a really difficult time socializing and are also religious, I strongly suggest volunteering at your local church

Techpill
Techpill

@Skullbone
Force yourself to fully engage in social interaction after social interaction after social interaction. Eventually you'll get it.
Remember that the important thing is not what's happening in your head or with your emotions but on their face, what they're saying, in their body language.
Too many young men are narcissists, place a higher priority on how they feel about themselves (or self image) over how they make other people feel.
If you find yourself saying "Oh he may be good looking but he's probably stupid" or "Oh that guy's great at that sport but he's probably got a little dick" or "Oh she's really popular but it's just because she sucked a bunch of dicks"

That's the impulse you need to shut down. Only care about what's happening outside of your head. Your train of conscious thought is more an analytical tool that generates a lot of meaningless noise than the essence of your identity or "you."

JunkTop
JunkTop

@iluvmen
thanks. i still have trouble knowing what to say.. I've never been good at conversations

maybe i should come prepared with innocuous topics to talk to people about
so far i have the weather, and taking about the class

@Methnerd
that might actually be true
or maybe they don't want to talk to an awkward guy with no social skills

@TurtleCat
thanks for the advice

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@Skullbone
You basically train social skills like you would anything else, practice. Go talk to people, see how they react, adjust for next time.

massdebater
massdebater

@Skullbone
i didn't say anything to her other than hi back, then silence for about four minutes, i just stared at the wall, instead of my phone

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Skullbone
Metro Station
Outside,smoking
Milf:all the smokers are here haha
Yea
Milf:they should really do something
Heh
Finish my cigarette and walk inside without saying anything

You aren't alone bruv,but it gets better,the key is to not stress about it too much,like the more energy and time you spend thinking you are akward or weird the worse it gets,just accept yourself for what you are and try to work on it

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@Need_TLC
thanks
confident and happy.. positive
at the beginning of each dance, the girls always say "how are you", and i give my usual "I'm okay" response

i have noticed the popular guys at my workplace usually say something like "I'm great" or fantastic, something exaggerated like that. i can try that, but it doesn't feel like something I'd say

@Boy_vs_Girl
thanks

StrangeWizard
StrangeWizard

Ask waitresses, cashiers and the likes how their day is going. Has it been busy? Do they have plans for after work? And so on. It's a free and easy way to practice small talk, do it with everyone and you'll get good at it quick.

Speak up, don't mumble. Remember eye contact. Smile.

iluvmen
iluvmen

@Techpill
how they feel about themselves (or self image)
i think this describes me... afraid of saying something dumb, so i don't say anything

i don't have those thoughts, but i do compare myself to others and feel inferior to the "normies"

@Raving_Cute
thanks, i don't get a lot of opportunities, i don't have any friends, coworkers all know I'm awkward, and i never meet new people. I'm partly taking dance classes to meet people

@massdebater
i read somewhere not to look at your phone, makes you seem more approachable. but i don't know what else to look at, except the wall.. unless I'm supposed to look at other people?

RavySnake
RavySnake

@Skullbone
jus b urself user :)))))))))))))

LuckyDusty
LuckyDusty

@iluvmen
You think you're shy but you're actually obsessed with yourself. I encourage you to get the fuck out of your own head, either by therapy or practice or drinking or achieving something in the real world.

TalkBomber
TalkBomber

@VisualMaster
thanks

@StrangeWizard
thanks
but i think i rationalize not doing this because I would be holding up the person's time, and the time of anyone else waiting for them. like the waitress and cashier have other customers, and the other customers want the waitress and cashier's attention too

@LuckyDusty
thanks for the advice

StrangeWizard
StrangeWizard

@VisualMaster
Alpha as fuck

Supergrass
Supergrass

@Skullbone
be yourself, and if that doesn't work, be the opposite of yourself

SniperWish
SniperWish

@RavySnake
@Supergrass
who else am i being?

JunkTop
JunkTop

@Supergrass

Kek'd hard, that's a good one. Most people here should probably start from the other end though

Methnerd
Methnerd

bump

Sir_Gallonhead
Sir_Gallonhead

@BinaryMan
answer a question with something other than yes/no. Ask something in return. Don't ask yes/no questions, ask questions that encourage conversation. You're on Veeky Forums so you've probably been reading shitty jokes for years, repeat the one that aren't about minorities to people in conversation; once they think you're funny you can say anything as long as it's presented as a joke. You seem autistic so try this on people you won't see again, i.e., bus stop, waiting in line somewhere that you don't frequent, etc, then start talking to people you want to speak with. Try not to get too attached to strangers because you'll be shit for at least a few months and wish you were still quiet because at least then people don't think you're an asshole

Whenever people ask me how I am doing, I say sleepy: it started off because it's generally true, but people think it's funny because it's not the answer they usually get. If you just give a generic response like "I'm ok" or great, etc people will tune it out because it's how the question is always answered and it generally means you're lying. Fantastic is less common and more descriptive so it's believable depending on tone, meaning it works great. Try to go for terms with a positive connotation and don't answer the same every time, even if the way you answer has the same meaning.

No one gives a shit about your opinion of the weather unless it's extreme so don't talk about it.

You're in a dance class so ask people questions like why they like it, what kind of dancing they like, where they learned if they already know a little, etc. If your conversation skills are any indicator, you don't dance well if at all so compliment them and talk speak negatively of others even if they are actually worse than you. Don't speak to females exclusively even though they probably far outnumber males.

Lastly, if there's a silence you feel the need to fill, the other person likely feels the same and is performing as inadequately as you.

WebTool
WebTool

@SniperWish
it's a meme, but chances are you have something you want to say to the people you mentioned in the OP that you didn't say, yes? but you didn't for whatever reason. Alternatively, you had nothing you felt was worth saying but you'd like to change that and therefore yourself. Anon's post @Supergrass
is the only two options you have but until such time as you are comfortable with who you are, looking for happiness through others is a waste of time

TreeEater
TreeEater

@Sir_Gallonhead
@WebTool
thanks for the advice

idontknow
idontknow

@Skullbone
today before class, the only attractive cougar in the class said hi to me, and stood next to me while we waited for the previous class to end
i didn't say anything to her other than hi back, then silence for about four minutes, i just stared at the wall, instead of my phone
pathetic

waste of trips too

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Skullbone
You have to at least try a little, bro. Talk to people. Make an effort to be social, even if it feels uncomfortable. You don't get strong by just standing in the gym, and you're not going to suddenly become a social butterfly just by being near people.

Firespawn
Firespawn

@Skullbone
"Hi, how's it going? How have you been finding the classes? I've seen you coming a few weeks"

"You done anything like this before, or are you a first timer like me?"

"Mind if we be partners? I don't know many people here and you seem to know what your doing!"

"Hey that was fun, see you next week!"

Easy as that my man. Just show interest and have a bit of empathy and perspective.

If you struggle with this, just spend a few minutes before you go to any social event thinking about things you can say or ask to people so your not stumbling around. Try and appear relaxed and don't pressure yourself to perform

idontknow
idontknow

@VisualMaster
thanks

@Firespawn
thank you for the suggestions

Nude_Bikergirl
Nude_Bikergirl

@Skullbone
Dancing

lmao faggot

iluvmen
iluvmen

I've seen this same thread with the same pictures posted many times before.

SomethingNew
SomethingNew

As cliche as it is "just b urself bro" is the only correct answer.

Crazy_Nice
Crazy_Nice

@Skullbone
"how is it going?"
"what's your name again?"
"how long have you been doing X?"
"are you any good?"
"ever done anything similar before?"
"do you rike it?"

These are super basic, but just ask questions. Obviously don't ask like a robot reading through a checklist, make eye contact, smile, nod, ask her to elaborate on something, maybe add something of your own. People like talking about themselves, so if you don't know where to go just ask questions, you can usually "survive" for 5 minutes that way, no problem.

Illusionz
Illusionz

@TreeEater
sofia vergara is a decepticon with no ass

Techpill
Techpill

@Nude_Bikergirl
w-what other social hobbies should i try?

AwesomeTucker
AwesomeTucker

@Skullbone
Do you happen to be in Washington, op?

Poker_Star
Poker_Star

@Crazy_Nice
No. Ask open ended questions, not yes no questions

RavySnake
RavySnake

@TechHater
Well that's your problem right there. "It feels forced to me"
Well... yeah? You're socially awkward. You ARE forcing it. Just start TALKING. You'll learn what people like to talk about the more you talk to them.

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@RavySnake
cont.
You can take all the advice you want from this Thai Ladyboy Training board, but none of it is really going to matter. Nobody here knows you, nobody knows what will end up working for you. You just need to put yourself out there. You already said you have no friends and your work knows you're awkward, so what do you have to lose even if you somehow end up alienating yourself in another situation? You just keep going with different groups of strangers until you do something right, and then you keep doing it. Take every opportunity you can to strike up conversation.

MPmaster
MPmaster

@Skullbone
how do i get social skills?
Getting shitfaced drunk before going to any event that implies interaction with other human beings.

Sharpcharm
Sharpcharm

@AwesomeTucker
no, I'm not

@Poker_Star
thanks

@RavySnake
@Raving_Cute
thanks for the advice

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

@Skullbone
how do i get social skills?
You start with staying off the Internet: No Facebook/Twitter/Social media, no Veeky Forums, no nothing on the Internet that's supposed to take the place of being actually social with actual people face-to-face.

GO OUTSIDE. Interact with people. There is no book you can read or video you can watch that builds social skills, you have to actually DO IT. It takes time and effort and experience. Don't expect results overnight, and don't expect to be the Life Of The Party or the most popular guy in your town either. You're who you are, deal with it, but GO OUTSIDE and meet/interact with people in person.

massdebater
massdebater

you made a similar thread another time right?

dude the dance classes thing is such a meme, they can smell the desperation, get friends from work or try another hobby

getting male friends should be your first goal

Methnerd
Methnerd

@massdebater
and get normie male friends

cum2soon
cum2soon

tfw too self conscious of doing anything that involves dancing
For some reason whenever I think of dance I see myself dancing like in 3d person and that appears to me extremely cringe and terrifying.
Fuck this

Dreamworx
Dreamworx

@JunkTop
What has worked for me is to assume that I am right in all situations and the other person is at fault.

Evilember
Evilember

@massdebater
@Methnerd
where can i make these friends? what are good hobbies? I'm not very good at most sports tbqh

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@Evilember
Go to a pub and watch games. Try to talk about them with other guys. If you get to be on their group for a while, buy them a round. If they're regulars, you might see them again the next weekend or so.

DeathDog
DeathDog

@Skullbone
make small conversations with cashiers

Nude_Bikergirl
Nude_Bikergirl

Get your friends to introduce you to other people. Try meet others and force yourself to talk no matter how awkward. I was an autist in my early teens but through endless exposure and ALOT of fuck ups I ended up with a lot of friends and decent social skills.

Fuzzy_Logic
Fuzzy_Logic

@BlogWobbles
I've never been into watching sports. don't think i can go to a bar and pretend I'm interested

@Nude_Bikergirl
friends
i have zero friends

Inmate
Inmate

@Techpill
Don't listen to him, women fucking love a man who can dance.

RavySnake
RavySnake

@Techpill
just do it because you enjoy it, not because of trying to get laid. If you joined it to get laid, quit now because you're wasting your time, and put it into a hobby to grow yourself. But if you enjoy it, then stick with it

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@iluvmen
makes you seem more approachable
someone had already approached you, dingus

Boy_vs_Girl
Boy_vs_Girl

@RavySnake
im mostly doing it to spend less time in front of my computer, to gain a new skill/hobby... it is somewhat fun

problem is that I'm not very tall or attractive, so I'm worried no one will want to dance with me outside of class if i try going to a salsa dance somewhere

@Harmless_Venom
i know, i should have thought of something to say.
should i have just looked at my phone, at least it would seem like i was busy if i did, rather than idly staring at nothing

w8t4u
w8t4u

2. Relationship, dating advice, and "mental health" threads belong on /adv/

Snarelure
Snarelure

I hate small talk, I'm just too damn self-aware to be able to have "small talk".

I can't pretend like it isn't entirely stupid to talk about the weather or some dumb event that happened recently just to keep the conversation going. Or for example the Netflix & Chill meme, if I ever even got a girl at my place I couldn't just tell her to sit on the couch and put in a film pretending like we're about to go wholesomely watch a film and not at all start groping each other in 10 minutes, I can't just shut off my brain and go with it, it's just silly pretend.
How do I stop all this overthinking and literally shut my brain off?

Lunatick
Lunatick

@Snarelure
Then be experimental. Small talk exists because people don't like to delve into something deep at the get go. I have tons of conversations where I bring up something of mild intelligence, only to have it disinterest or bore the person.

You should just jump right into whatever it is you want to talk about or whatever you deem suitable for the situation that isn't small talk. It's risky but you could get points for being unique.

Bidwell
Bidwell

@Snarelure
same boat here user, not trying to sound edgy, but i couldn't give less shit about typical small talk. But i realised it's somewhat neccessary to do it to normies to not seem out of place.

Poker_Star
Poker_Star

@JunkTop
i still have trouble knowing what to say.. I've never been good at conversations

I think unpacking this statement would be beneficial. There is nothing that you are "supposed" to say. There are boring topics that everyone deals with which are near universal, and thus stereotypical, conversation topics ("the weather's weird lol" or "how bout them [local sports team]?"). No one likes to talk about these things and if you're bringing them up it might come off like you don't actually want to talk, but think not talking would be too awkward, so you're talking about the most boring possible thing.

If I had to give you advice pertinent to a subject, why don't you just look like you're having fun and a good time, try to radiate positivity, and then if they seem receptive ask them about themselves? Then if they respond, a conversation can go off naturally from there.

cum2soon
cum2soon

@Dreamworx
there are two ways this advice can be taken, and if you're serious, it needs to be accompanied with the disclaimer that you give no indication that you feel this way, it is merely to get you out of your own head and end your self-defeating self doubt

Deadlyinx
Deadlyinx

@Snarelure
Wow. You sound really smart for your age. I'm sure you'll just do great in the real world.

Emberfire
Emberfire

@Inmate
women love a man who can dance the way they love a man with money. they would prefer to skip to the end, not be present for the development. not being anti-women this is just basic human psychology, men are the same way about attractive traits for women. there are of course exceptions where people feel validated or fulfilled from trying to build people up

SniperGod
SniperGod

@Boy_vs_Girl
should i have just looked at my phone, at least it would seem like i was busy if i did,
nah if someone came up and said hi, and you immediately pulled out your phone you'd seem rude, not busy.
ask a question like "are you enjoying this class?" or talk about yourself in a way that tees them up to talk about themselves like "I've never taken a class like this before but it's good to gain a new hobby and meet some new people." And genuinely listen to what they have to say.
I'm pretty shy myself but I've learned recently that meeting new people is just an opportunity to practice just being yourself (ha meme) and being totally honest about it. If they don't like it then they weren't going to be a friend anyway, so there's no loss.
It's always better to be "a little out there, but nice" than "that guy who doesn't talk to anyone and is probably an active threat"
@Snarelure
@Bidwell
so don't have small talk? It really isn't necessary. and as I said up there, if someone is weirded out by you having more to say than "golly weather's been crazy lately, huh?" then you lose literally nothing by not having them in your life.
Talk about whatever's on your mind. Some people might be put off, but real close relationships are formed when people share their inmost thoughts, so the bonds you do form with those other people who don't like small talk will be tight as fuck.

Fuzzy_Logic
Fuzzy_Logic

@Poker_Star
this is some of the best advice so far user

StonedTime
StonedTime

@Evilember
Evrything 'wrong' with you can be solved by doing a contact martial art. Preferably bjj or wrestling etc.

When you the get the shit kicked out of you and learn how to kick the shit out of others, all these small problems seem insignificant.

Probably cause you've never had the capacity for cruelty, your niceness feels awkward and forced because it has no meaning. Being nice only has meaning when you have the capacity for cruelty.

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

@Poker_Star
look like you're having fun and a good time, try to radiate positivity
how do you do this?

Inmate
Inmate

http://www.simplybodylanguage.com/
http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/body_language.htm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoL0-SKAH_A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODjE-_OB3JI

King_Martha
King_Martha

@Snarelure
small talk is about emotional levity in the moment, not about talking about safe topics

you don't have to talk about what you're doing as you're doing it

Boy_vs_Girl
Boy_vs_Girl

@SniperGod
thanks for the advice

@StonedTime
I'm afraid of getting hurt tbqh, read about tendon and ligament injuries in bjj

@Inmate
thanks for the links

I've seen the movie before. it is interesting that part of the reason the guy gets the girl at the end is because he took swing dance lessons before

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