>>49000861

>not just riding face down

Imagine Dredd's Lawgiver, but a skateboard.

It's a tricycle that lasts forever and is slightly hallucinogenic.

Well, at least I have a vague form of transport, although if I ride it for too long I start hallucinating

Does that mean it comes with incendiary wheels?

W-well...No, but it can help you lose weight?

"It's a waffle iron that tells you when people are lying, glows in the dark and can move faster than the speed of light."

Even in random generators I end up being the overpowered munchkin.

>It's like a normal burglar alarm, but it never needs repairing.

...fuck. At least it doesn't need to be repaired, I guess.

>Design #2551303827
>It's a golf club that doesn't take no for an answer and can be used to scrape ice off of windscreens.

I got a really sturdy whacking stick

I think we've got a ready post-nuclear debt collector here.

>It's a toothbrush that keeps drinks hot, cleans itself and traps small animals.

Whelp, at least I won't go hungry.

>It's a robotic dog that encrypts all of its data!
Yes, but can it hunt?

>It's like a normal pair of underpants, but it communicates with wireless devices.
I'm going to be murdered for these.

>It's a shoe that works underwater! It crushes ice.
Fuck me.

>reroll
>It's a samurai sword that moves from side to side! It responds to temperature changes and can move faster than the speed of light.
>MFW

>FTL heated vibrokatana
Don the trench coat and become the hero the wasteland deserves

>It's a belt buckle that folds away when not in use, bounces and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger

Well.
I'm fucked.

>It's a computer monitor that contains alcohol! It works at twice the normal speed and is different every time you use it.
so unlimited yet diferent alcohol everytime
not so bad
reroll
>It's a WAP device that moves from side to side and contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.
not bad

You and I can work together to rebuild society using the power of pantsu

>It's like a normal cardboard box, but it moulds vegetables.
Guys, I can't determine just how useless this is.

Just fuck up someone's food supply.

That can work I guess.

I... create a nuclear apocalypse.... seemingly.

>have /b/ on my other computer
Great I could rule the world with autism

Well, looks like we found the one responsible for this. Can the guy with the golf club that won't take no for an answer come down?

...

>thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi
>It's a pogo stick that has been blessed by a priest! It has adverts on the side and gets +2 to kill undead.

Sick, dude.

it's perfect

>It's a security camera that pings when it's ready!
Alright, I guess I set it up outside of my bunker. Do I get to know what it's ready for when it pings?

Technically setting you on fire would help you lose weight

It looks like I've got myself a well-designed power plug.

Detecting evil is useful, so is sanitizing work stations.

this sounds like a funny prank

>It's an eraser that operates on a quantum level!

Time to erase evildoers.

>Design #773773550

>It's a cigarette lighter that's perfectly safe to use, will drive you insane and mows your lawn

W-wait, what was that second thing?

>It's a fax machine that can move faster than the speed of light and cannot be moved.

So.... it's an immovable fax machine? CLANG and all? Or is it hardlocked in place relative to earth? Either way it's useless.

>It's like a normal parachute, but it craves attention.

>"U-use me senpai!"
>randomly deploys
>sprays you with strange liquid when deployed

I'm going to make it as long as I'm in the air during the apocalypse.

>cannot be moved
>moves faster than light

hmm

Nonono, it can move faster than the speed of light and can not be moved.

Meaning it can't be pushed away, whilst being able to act as a relativistic missile.

Don't worry about it, it's perfectly safe! RUN

>It's a walking stick that cannot be moved! It runs on compressed air.
I think by definition that voids it from being a walking stick.

>unstoppable AND immovable object
If physics doesn't just shit the bed and end the universe, at least something interesting will happen.

>It's a rocket launcher that jams mobile phone frequencies! It comes with its own storage kennel.

This sounds OP as fuck

>What's that, I can't hear you, reception's getting bad!
Ruh-roh

I re-rolled that shit because i thought it was OP, but i actually got pure cheese.

>It's a first-aid kit that's fully recycleable and looks better than it sounds.

This is some star trek shit on the fucking apocalipse.

>It's a hammer! It entertains children.
okay

I think this is actually useful.

It's a coffee cup that works at any altitude, folds out into a tent and kills fleas.

Wow, Jackpot: It's a small plastic pyramid that dispenses tea or coffee, tells you when people are lying and kills cockroaches.

I mean, that's one major need down (coffee and tea still rehydrate you), along with feeding my caffiene addiction, it prevents me from being tricked into joining cannibals for dinner without some forewarning, and I don't have to worry about cockroaches getting into my food... assuming I can find any.

You know what, this nuclear apocalypse is looking pretty good, really.

...I think you might not have been alone in that

>It's a jetpack that clamps to your wrist! It tells the time and is audible only to dogs.

If my arm doesn't come off, I'll do really well. Not as well as , but still very well.

>It's a postage stamp! It is ideal for the kitchen!
Uh,no it isn't?

>Design #1122032479
>It's a wireless network device! It makes money fast!
I open scrap&weaponry shop after I make money with this, I guess?

>It's a coffee cup that works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect!

I'm not honestly sure what this entails, but I am sure it's not going to help.

>It's a TV remote that repairs itself! It is unbreakable.
Well fucking wonderful.

Instead of coffee it's decaf.

It's a bar of soap. It dissolves dirt.

>It's a piece of string! It responds to ambient light changes!

Fucking fantastic.

>Design #2355278545
>It's like a normal deck of cards, but it clamps to your wrist.

>It's an alcoholic drink that may cause drowsiness! It is transparent.

>It's a pair of sunglasses that moulds vegetables!
>mfw

It's a pair of roller-skates that craves attention!

im fucked arent i? or will a pair of sentient rolleskates keep me safe?

>It's a stereo system that displays pornography!

Once I find a method of powering it I will use the power of audio porn to bring peace and establish a sexy new world.

>It's a sofa that's bigger on the inside than the outside and works underwater.

So, I'm a NEET Timelord now? Sounds legit.

>Design #4287065555
>It's an electric drill that craves attention, self-replicates and plays the American national anthem.

It's a bubble-car that can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds! It contains a tinier version of itself and runs on six little wheels.

"We heard you like cars so we put a car in your car so you can drive while you drive!"

And it only takes 30 seconds to put together, I'm set.

>It's like a normal blender, but it counts your loose change.
Welp.

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that detects background radiation, speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones and collects litter.
All I need now is a way to assemble the junk and I'm safe.

>It's an office whiteboard that swears!
why is this so funny

>It's an armchair that increases your sex appeal, makes money fast and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.

>I'm rich, surrounded by women wanting me to bone them, and an early warning system all in one.

I think I'll be ok.

>It's a fizzy drink that looks really, really good, keeps drinks cold and kills all known germs dead.

>It's a handheld genetically-modified sheep that hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet!
If I can get it to rampage on command I'm set.

Design #3250253029

>It's a letter-opener that shoots laser beams! It can move faster than the speed of light and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.

I'm set.

ALL lighters are capable of shortening a lawn.

It's a tricycle that works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect, folds away when not in use and is not suitable for children.

>Security Camera
>Also an automated gourmet coffee/tea maker.
Huh.

It's a walking stick that comes in seven different colours, talks and responds to temperature changes.
It's gonna be my best buddy and i'll never feel alone. I feel like i've found the best item i could ever find

>It's a hearing aid that cures all known illnesses! It can be used by several people at once.

Huh. Pretty well, actually.

FUCKING DRAW SOME FUCKING SHIT ON ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT! I FUCKING DARE YOU!

>It's a newspaper that fits in your pocket and can pick locks.

Well shit, that is actually really useful. I'd want that before the apocalypse.

It's not the fax machine that moves, it's the time-space continuum that moves!

>It's like a normal newspaper, but it detects background radiation.

Who said print was dead?

>Fuck'o'matic 9000 is a button-badge that blocks spam email, folds out into a tent and emits a powerful searchlight beam
Well that's not as bad as i fought

>It's a candle that sorts your mail! It dispenses tea or coffee and has a million household uses.

Assuming that's literal this must be useful, right? Right?

>It's a fork that fetches help in the event of an emergency!
Oh god, I'd love the shit out of this. His name would be Forkoolio, and he would be an overly helpful aspiring haberdasher. No matter how tough the situation, he would break the tension by talking about the various hats he would make at his dream job, and various hat-related puns. Unfortunately, he's a fork, and doesn't move particularly fast, so in order to get help in a reliable fashion, you need to throw him in the general direction of help. If help is slightly out of reach, or gets stuck in something, no help would be coming.

>It's a freezer that follows a target of your choice! It communicates with other copies of itself and is made of glass.

Garbage.

>Design #2139988676
>It's an umbrella that freezes anything it touches and cures all known illnesses.

Holy fuck, I am the new king of the apocalypse.

>Design #2859241530

>It's a cufflink that holds up to twenty cigarettes! It freezes anything it touches and is covered with realistic fur.
That sounds... interesting? I can't even visualize what it looks like.

>It's like a normal toaster, but it makes clicking noises.

Fuck. I'm fucked.

Well, okay then.

>Mjolnir

>FTL Samurai and Pogo Priest vs the Freeze Brother Warlords and the Undead Army of the Apocalypse