You've found a lamp with a dick-ass genie inside!

You've found a lamp with a dick-ass genie inside!

Fortunately, you've done your research. These genies were nobles of powerful sorcerer slave empire, cast down by the gods and bound as slaves themselves to teach them humility. Each one will only be freed after serving 1001 masters, three wishes for each. These genies are assholes, but you know their rules:

+ They only have to follow the words of your wish, and can interpret those words as far as they can be interpreted.
+ They can't directly lie to their master, but can deceive indirectly.
+ They can't do anything to harm their master UNLESS their master's wish can be interpreted as request/permission to do so.
+ Wishes have to be declared by holding the lamp, addressing the genie ("slave" or "servant" will do) and announcing "I wish [X]", so they can't take any casual expression of desire as a wish.
+ Wishes are only used up to do outright magical things; until you use them all, the genie must serve you any way a human slave could. The genie is allowed to alter their appearance but is required to openly wear some sign of their slavery.

The genies are forbidden to interfere in the domain of the gods even if their master wishes it, so:
- They cannot truly create life by magic (though they can animate lifeless objects, or transfigure existing living creatures)
- They cannot interfere with mortal free will (no mind control)
- They cannot interfere with the rightful flow of time
- They cannot use any magic on their own prison lamps or the lamps of other genies

The magic that recognizes you as master of the lamp is divine, not the genie's, and effectively recognizes your "wish account" by your soul. The lamp does not work for beings who do not have souls. Mastery does not need to be consecutive - you can make your first wish, pass the lamp to someone else, have them make their first wish and then take the lamp back and cast your second wish, and so on.

What do you wish?

I wish for a blowjob.

Wish #1:
>The ability to bestow clinical, regenerative, and invulnerability-based immortality upon anyone I so choose, while giving them to revoke the ability at any time.
Wish #2:
>A genuinely good sci-fi video game.
Wish #3:

"A blowjob? Where?"
"Duh. Mah dick."
>Your dick explodes.
"The job is done. You have two wishes left."

I wish I was dead

Fine, how about "I wish you would suck my dick we your mouth"

-A box of gold
-A palace of pearls
-A nice big pool for my sad-eyed girls

>He picks up the charred remains from the ground and sucks on them a bit before spitting them out.
"That didn't use any magic, so you've still got 2."

>+ Wishes are only used up to do outright magical things; until you use them all, the genie must serve you any way a human slave could. The genie is allowed to alter their appearance but is required to openly wear some sign of their slavery.
does this mean I can use it as a sex slave as much as I want?

>- They cannot use any magic on their own prison lamps or the lamps of other genies
Does wishing to retrieve many if not all of the other genies' lamps break this rule?

What stops me from wishing for more wishes?

This

...

Nice

You get:
1 small match-box made of gold,
1 snowball, the centerpiece of which is a genuine pearl palace,
and a larger than regulation pool table.

"I wish for more wishes!"
"Done. You may now wish for infinate wishes."
>Makes wish #2 and 3.
"My contract is done, master. Farewell."
"What?! But I have infinite wishes!"
"Indeed. You are, of course, free to wish as much as you like."

>snowball
Brainfart. Meant snowGLOBE.

>Wishes are only used up to do outright magical things
Cheeky as that is, you'd still have 1 wish left in that scenario.

You may now grant any one (1) person true immortality. That person may revoke their immortality at any time.
No take-backs.
The revoke setting is set preposterously low.

A genuinely good sci-fi video game is made. It gets good scores from critics, and people everywhere agree that it is "good."
It's for a setting you don't like.
The game itself isn't to your taste.


Fair enough, though the wisher would probably not notice running out of magical wishes until it's too late.

You gain the ability to bestow immortality upon any one. After one, you can't do it any more. As you wished for them to have the ability to revoke it at any time, the genie selects that that time shall be just before the end of the universe.

The genie gives you a game you already played.

The genie gives you a blowjob and it doesn't even count as a wish. Now they're really mad at you, though. Better be extra careful with that third wish!

You can use the genie as a sex slave. They don't like it, though, and their interpretation of any further wishes will become more vindictive.

The genie can maybe tell you where other lamps are, but cannot retrieve them for you, as that would be using magic on their lamps.

The limitation of three wishes per master is built into the lamp's magic, so the genie is unable to change it.

>I wish for you to fulfill the intention of my wish while not being a dickass
And before you get smart: Your rules say you can't interfere with mortal free will, but you fucker are clearly immortal, so interfere with your own will if you have to.
After that, I don't know, whatever. I'm pretty happy as is, but I guess I'll take
>Peak human condition, something along the lines of Captain America
>A bank account with a few billion swiss francs to my name

Being strong, smart, healthy and rich is always nice to have.

Wish 1: I wish for OP to stop sucking dicks.

"My most refined Lord, I can see you are imprisoned to serve as a wish-granter for us mortals, you long for freedom as we men long for your powers, grant me my simple request for material wealth and I MYSELF shall carry your lamp-prison to 1000 masters so that you might end this agony of servitude faster!"
"Trust in me my lord that you shall return to greatness!"


>not having bro genie
>not having awesome adventures
>not traveling the world together

Step up your game

"I wish for the capability to shapeshift into any form I desire, while retaining my intelligence and capability to shapeshift."

"I wish for true immortality, which can be temporarily suspended at my desire."

"I wish for an edict memory with the capability to forget undesirable or unpleasant memories."

I wish for the ability to effectively know, understand and use all magical powers by myself without any further effort than my own command

>Shapeshifting
You're just going to turn into the little girl.

>OP is now magically compelled to suck balls instead

Your first wish goes exactly as intended by him. You cease to exist except as a being suffering eternal torment while unable to wish.

The instant you so much as think of assuming a form, you do so.
The instant you so much as think of not being immortal, you die instantly.
The instant you so much as think of forgetting something, you forget it.

...

"I wish to live a life that I would consider perfect."

>as you would consider no life perfect you get that: no life

>the genie grows a very unfeminine penis and rapes you

Can I get a circle of friends and we just pass the lamp around to run the genie's master count down? If we do so and wish for minor easy shit can we use that to persuade the dick-ass genie to not be a dick-ass to us in exchange for getting him his freedom quickly?

No. Because he is a massive prick.
He WILL pretend to play along, though.

Which will quickly get him found out when my BLT is made with stale bread or some shit, which ruins the trust factor.

Just saying, he PROBABLY knows how to play a guy / some guys.

More like..
"Here is perfectly fine BLT... Wait that was the last wish? Well then.. TIME FOR YOU TO BE DESTROYED BECAUSE I'M NO LONGER BOUND TO MY RULES DIE DIE DIE DIE!" etc..

I wish to be, in my own terms/terms I define, successful at anything I, in my own terms, attempt.

I wish for any pocket I reach into to have the exact amount of money I require when reaching into it, in the most compact form that will be generally accepted where I am, when and only when I reach into it.

Third wish, an open unbreakable 500ml glass bottle that is never more than 4/5 full and never less than 1/5 full of of best condition Wychwood King Goblin ale at 10 degrees Celsius

This could make for an interesting story

granted

the most compact form will often be a credit card, good luck getting past the password

the conditions dictated for the bottle to be at that state will not allow any drop of the liquid to exit it

"Oh wise, oh marvelous oh glorious and mighty one, Prince of the Djinn, Beauty of Arabia, Fine Flower of Baghdad, Splendor of Lower and Upper Egypt, I, al-Rashid ibn Muhammad ibn al-Aamirah am but your humble servant! Grant unto me these the desires of my heart, I beg you!"

"I wish, oh glorious and mighty one, Prince of the Djinn, Beauty of Arabia, Fine Flower of Baghdad, Splendor of Lower and Upper Egypt, in the name of Allah, the most gracious the most merciful, that you should interpret my remaining wishes in regard to my intent! You shall do as I please, you shall not harm me, you shall not deceive me, you shall yield to me, you shall obey me, or may Allah punish you!"

"I wish, oh glorious and mighty one, Prince of the Djinn, Beauty of Arabia, Fine Flower of Baghdad, Splendor of Lower and Upper Egypt, that I should become immortal, forever young, and dwell on the earth until the Last Day. Make it so!"

"I wish, oh glorious and mighty one, Prince of the Djinn, Beauty of Arabia, Fine Flower of Baghdad, Splendor of Lower and Upper Egypt, that I should be the world's most powerful sorcerer! Give me a magic carpet, that I may go hither and thither at will! Grant me one of the rings of Salomon, that I may command demons and djinn to serve me, to wait upon me, to please me, to build my castle and sew my clothes and be my lovers! Grant me the knowledge of alchemy, astrology, the evil eye and the blessings of the old gods, whose idols were in Mecca before the coming of the Prophet [peace be upon him]! Grant me these things, I pray thee, I beg thee, I am your humble servant, oh Great One do not betray me, lest Allah punish you!"

>And that is how you handle a genie.

I'm always successful at anything I try, which includes guesses (seeing as I define terms).

Why can't the liquid exist though?

My Paladin does the only sensible thing:

>Genie, I wish you were free.

Then he goes on his merry way. Wish-granting magic never ends well. This is Mythology 101, the kind of shit we teach to children.

VERY WELL.

YOU SHALL HAVE DOMINION OVER ALL THE EARTH, UNTIL AT LAST YOU PERISH ON THE LAST DAY...

...OF THE MONTH.

GOOD BYE.

you successfully attempted a guess: it was the wrong password

how else can the bottle remain filled? magic bottles don't come with self replicating liquid duh

>I want to have sex with you
>Not "I Wish to have sex with you"
>Afterwards still have three wishes
Clever dude.

>"I wish, oh glorious and mighty one, Prince of the Djinn, Beauty of Arabia
you're gramted with a glorious and mighty one, a prince of the djinn, and a beauty of Arabia

in trading cards forms

Oh, and also: the genie is a fucking slave. You give a Lawful Good Paladin the choice between his heart's desire and freeing a slave, and you bet your fucking ass that he's gonna free the slave.

>Wishes are only used up to do outright magical things; until you use them all, the genie must serve you any way a human slave could. The genie is allowed to alter their appearance but is required to openly wear some sign of their slavery.

Bro I don't even need the wishes. I'd want the genie to look like an attractive woman and be respectful/polite to me but I think I could just use the 'a human slave would do this' for the latter and a 'the genie can alter its appearance' for the former. Hot sex slave is enough of a win.

It says ONE wish user, not 3

I thought the original story of the Genie was that you're supposed to wish to trap him on your third Wish or else he pops out and kills you because he's freed?

I added the 'by my definition' clause for a reason.

There's also a reason it's my first wish.

Also, the liquid I specified is entirely mundane and I specified 'open'. Add to literally everything I attempt (by my own definition) being successful and my attempt to get an infinite bottle of beer is, you guessed it, successful.

Basically never let the genie define the terms of anything

So... no change?

The genie doesn't know your definition, though. It can't grant what it don't know.

Well it can bloody well ask me.
And if it's not what I define as right then by the terms of the wish it won't happen. The genie doesn't need to know why.

He can't do that. First wish is he has to obey my intent.

Ain't nothing says it has to ask for clarification. In fact, it can deliberately skew wording as much as it wants if there's any lack of clarity.
So yeah, you got fukt. Deal with it.

So if I wish for the genie to kill me, he can, but otherwise he can't? Neat.

Should I just wish for something 'safe' or 'silly?'

but the genie did grant your wishes according to the terms you defined

maybe you needed to define them better

Then I have myself a motherfucking throw-down with the djinn, as God wills it.

Nope, no life

What's the danger in using your first wish to acquire perfect knowledge of exactly how to state your other two wishes so as to get the exact result you intended despite this genie's best efforts?

The Aquabats, on my Veeky Forums? It's more likely than I think, apparently.

I'm seeing them in St. Louis in less than two weeks!

>1
My first wish is whenever I die or would be killed, my thoughts, memory and consciousness and the power of this wish are melded into the most similar alternate reality version of myself, along with the powers from wish 2 and 3. The genie also must follow me to my new form. If I die mid-coitus, I am instead reincarnated into the most dissimilar alternate reality version of myself. If there are two or more equally dissimilar versions of myself I am given t he choice between them.

>2
My second wish is for the Genie to grant me an unbreakable bracelet that I can use to travel to any such alternate realities that I imagine. The method for this travel is a doorway sized hole in space and time opens up like a door and is a human's arm reach away that can be walked through. Anything that goes through ends up on the other side. The amulet cannot be "lost" traditionally, and whenever the amulet is moved from where I mentally believe it to be, it appears in a pocket in my clothing. If I have no pockets in this case, it materializes in my mouth or my asshole, whichever has more space at any given time. The bracelet can fit in both my mouth and anus.

>3
My third wish is a random superpower. Nothing gay like "ability to kill yourself by blinking" or "change the color of your hair at will". If it's trash, I can veto it. I can get a new random power every 12 hours if I want.

wasting a gift

just hire some lawyers

Let's try this

1) I wish for the ability to change my appearance to perfectly mimic any form I desire with the following conditions: the transformation does not alter my mind in any way (my physical brain can change form, but my mind must remain intact, subconscious included); I can control when the transformation occurs in a similar way that I can flex a muscle, but the transformation is not linked to any other action than my desire to do so; I am able to change as many times as I want, back to my original form, and directly between different forms; the transformation does not cause me pain or suffering; I have the same level of control over my new form that the creature I am copying does (no micromanaging all bodily functions, but still able to walk like a normal person); and maintaining the form does not require any more effort than it does to simply be alive. //I think I covered everything. Please shred me to pieces with my poor grammar and word choice.

2) Upholding the no mind control clause, I wish for the ability to read the thoughts and memories of other individuals when and only when I desire to access this information, and with the following conditions: the individual in question does not know I am reading their thoughts and/or memories; I can choose whether or not to use this ability on a given person (not inundated with peoples' thoughts); the data is given to me in format that I can understand, and that is akin to remembering a memory (if they envision something, I see it as I would a memory, if they are thinking a thought, I hear that thought as well); I am able to choose which memories I would like to access by the time in which they occurred ("what were you doing on Jan 3 1990" raises whatever memories took place on that day); if there is no memory available for a given day, I am made aware of such; and I can fast-forward, rewind, or pause a memory I am looking at. //same as above. Tell me all that I missed

no third wish b/c I may need to reverse

"I wish you wouldn't grant any wishes. "

>1

Can of worms in and of itself, google quantum immortality

>2
Bracelet constantly teleports because the earth moves and therefore its exact position also moves.

>3
Your superpower is the ability to have sex with a member of the opposite sex. Not gay as described. Your veto can be overruled by a 2/3 majority. The list of powers for a new random one every 12 hours is one entry long.

"That's what I'm already trying to do"

I wish for you to stop being an asshole.
I wish for us to be friends.
I wish you good luck in finding future masters.

That what looks like a safe wish will actually fuck you over.

That the first wish will be subverted and you'll waste or be screwed on the other two.

1 alone screws you, since the most similar thing to dead is dead.
You die, you merge into a dead you, game over.

so what u saying is i should shoot myself while fucking someone

granted, I'm now a dick
granted, we're now friends of somebody else somewhere
granted, I can now have a new master

But being able to think is dissimilar to being braindead, having a heart is dissimilar to having a gaping wound where your heart was, etc. It's highly likely that the genie will have rigged it so that if you die during sex you immediately die while not having sex, and thus then stay dead.

Well, at least I got a friend. Yay.

Nah you gotta explicitly logic out how the genie will fuck me; "The genie just figures out how to fuck you" doesn't count.

In the event i get back in the "Dying and turning back into some alternate dead version of yourself" loop, I'll just keep looping through dead versions of myself until they've all been exhausted until I'm the most similar non-dead version of myself.

>In the event i get back in the "Dying and turning back into some alternate dead version of yourself" loop, I'll just keep looping through dead versions of myself until they've all been exhausted until I'm the most similar non-dead version of myself.
No you won't, since the trigger condition is your death. If you die, it triggers, you become another dead you, that's it. You didn't die again, you just merged with another dead you. End of triggers forever unless you somehow rise from the grave and die again.

Alternatively, since you were so vague on "melded", you get immediately mind-blendered upon the melding and the genie jams square pegs into round holes so as to completely fuck your brain as hard as possible.

I wish to be wealthy.
I wish to be powerful.
I wish to be immortal.

you now possess plentiful of the greatest valuable I know of: freedom

you now possess the power to move a mountain, but not the skeletal structure to support such strength

you're now immortal, meaning that my magic will be able to override your free will when I'll be free

Wishing anything seems rather too risky here.

I'll just enjoy my free household slave. And unless he wants to spend the rest of my natural life standing still and quiet in a corner, facing the wall and looking like a potted plant, then he'd better not be an asshole about the laundry.

Literally the only correct answer

I wish for the genie and lamp to disappear and go back to whatever divine bureaucracy started this whole thing, so they can deal with it. I'm not taking my chances on wishes from malevolent lawyer genies.

Read the rules, retard. Can't do that.

Fine. Then I just leave the lamp where I found it and walk away.

Hmm, in which case could we wish for the gods not to exist?

Technically, that's neither creating life, interfering with the free will of mortals, meddling with time or using magic on prison lamps or genies.

Really now?

>The genies are forbidden to interfere in the domain of the gods even if their master wishes it

1) Genie, I wish for the knowledge and ability to design and implement, sapient, artificial, digital intelligences that are capable of making wishes.

2) Genie, I wish for the ability to mass-produce these intelligences, such that I have exactly the number of them as there are masters you must serve, besides myself and all your previous masters.

3) Genie, I wish to know how you plan to enjoy your freedom.

After I make wish 3, I set my robot minions to wishing for grains of rice as quickly as possible, with each such wish ebing for twice as many grains as the last.

Technically, if we're being true rules-lawyers (in the spirit of the Dickish Genie) then the DOMAIN of the god in this context refers to divine magic, not the gods themselves.

And even if it doesn't, heaven can stay. It's the gods I don't want to exist any more.

Shit, forgot to mention in wish 1 that I should be able to compel them to obey me. Also it's "being", not "ebing". Goddamn stupid fingers.

I wish to know the last 30 wishes you have made.
Other two wishes as follows:
>If he's an ass
I wish for something small and irrelevant.
I wish for something else small and irrelevant.
>If he's been a dick
I wish to know how long you have until you complete your penance.
I wish to be able to stop you if you run amok after you finish your penance.
>if he's secretly a she who's a cunt
I wish you were female again.
I wish to be able to stop you if you run amok after you finish your penance.
>Bro Tier
I wish you could forget all the worst and remember the best of what you've done.
I wish I could be there when you are finally free.

Ok, so the genie will generally try to dick you over. Is that really reason enough to wish for the end of the observable universe?

It seems like a funny way to go and I'm honestly not sure if the genie will see it coming.

I dunno, man, it's a nice idea but these robots you create won't have souls.

> WISH 1: I wish that without channing my mental or physical form to become invincible.

> WISH 2: I wish that without changing my mental or physical form to become immortal.

> WISH 3: I wish to be able to change my physical or mental form at will, with no restrictions.

>Wish 1
Wishing that you become invincible so long as you don't use Veeky Forums is pretty hardcore, it forces you to go out into the world and do something productive with your invincibility.

It's more than just not using a *chan, he can't embody any part of any *chan, physically or mentally.
Dude's a hardcore reformist, I guess.

>Immortality
>Eternal youth
>Eternal mental health

badda bing badda boom

>I wish for something small and irrelevant

Granted! You are just going to love your penis now!

Great, so now you can't even go insane to pass the eternity after the heat death of the universe, AND you forgot to wish for eternal health so you'll be a barely-alive corpse as soon as anything happens to you that'd kill a normal person.

To all the people wishing for "immortality", ou realize it's the worse possible wish right? You have to wish for "Immortality until I wish to end my existence", otherwise you're in for a literal eternity of floating in empty space after the heat death of the universe. You're going to wish you were dead for billions of billions of billions of years alone in the dark.