What happens?

Emberburn
Emberburn

Fascist Italy accidentally invades Mordor instead of Greece
What happens?

All urls found in this thread:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Nazi%20Quest
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savoia-Marchetti_S.55
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_over_Vienna
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_over_Vienna
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/18/opinion/beppe-severgnini-the-italian-military-to-the-rescue.html?_r=0
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Vittorio_Veneto
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futurist_architecture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czTksCF6X8Y
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html
https://www.militaryfactory.com/battles/french_military_victories.asp
https://newrepublic.com/article/116326/gabriele-dannunzio-poet-seducer-and-preacher-war-reviewed
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bakar_mockery
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/SarumanOfManyDevices
Fried_Sushi
Fried_Sushi

@Emberburn
Italians happen.

massdebater
massdebater

@Emberburn
something very much resembling the fall of numenor, at best.

LuckyDusty
LuckyDusty

@Emberburn
Be a race to see who's more incompetent. Italians or orcs.

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Emberburn
If it's the Mordor from the movies, Italy will steamroll them.

The Orcs just fly in all directions when they touch a horse and do not even slow them down. They are also defeated even when they totally outnumber their enemies. The only good stuff from Mordor are the Nazgul and the Oliphants. Both are easily countered by AA and heavy guns.

But then again... Italy sucked so hard in WW2, maybe they would fuck this up somehow.

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

Italy is subjugated by Morder and the Orcs are delighted by Italian cuisine on the new menus

Techpill
Techpill

@Emberburn
It says a lot, that Italy manages to screw up their navigation so hard that they rather land in a fictional realm than at their original destination.

JunkTop
JunkTop

@Techpill
Especially considering Greece is right fucking there.

Supergrass
Supergrass

@VisualMaster
Mordor itself may be destroyed. but Sauron himself won't be, and given it's fascist Italy he'll have anyone worth giving a shit about wrapped around his finger almost instantly

Within the next couple months Mordor is back except this time the orcs have tanks and the army is spearheaded by italians

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@Emberburn

Jackson Mordor? Even Italy manages to win.

Tolkien Mordor? Il Duce becomes another of Sauron's pet "kings" and the Orcs have all sort of shiny new weapons to use.

Sir_Gallonhead
Sir_Gallonhead

@Techpill
I don't think you understand how bad Italy is at war.

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

army is spearheaded by italians

Something tells me the Rohirrim can go home and rest

Illusionz
Illusionz

@Emberburn
The orks fall before endless swarms of adorable tankettes.

5mileys
5mileys

@Illusionz
tankettes (Italian)
I think you failed a spot check.

TreeEater
TreeEater

@Fried_Sushi
so no change?

RavySnake
RavySnake

@5mileys
Are you saying i got the wrong picture or italy did not use tiny tanks.
Because I know they used the tiny tanks.

StonedTime
StonedTime

@Sir_Gallonhead
I can't believe a third of my country was once under Italy.

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

@RavySnake
I’m saying that Italian tanks can’t into war.

RumChicken
RumChicken

@Emberburn
Somewhere in spain you hear a short man let out a looong sigh of relief he's not allied officially with the clowns

TechHater
TechHater

@Emberburn
Mordor wins.
As much as people are saying Jackson Mordor would lose, Even their incompetent asses would win because Fascist Italy cannot into unassisted war victory.

whereismyname
whereismyname

@TechHater
Seriously, even the Jackson orcs won at osgiliath. The Italians lost to Ethiopia. Eritrea is barely a country and they can do better

SniperWish
SniperWish

@Sir_Gallonhead
When you like Fascist Italy in Hearts of Iron
Know they suck at WW2

At least Mussolini have a nice jaw.

SomethingNew
SomethingNew

@Emberburn
Churchill gives the orcs a favorable reference in the house of commons.

MPmaster
MPmaster

@Emberburn
Sauron now rules Italy.

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

@Emberburn
the italians run out of water a quarter of the way through an retreat.

Skullbone
Skullbone

@Emberburn
One does not simply goose-step into Mordor.

Evilember
Evilember

@SomethingNew
Churchill gives the orcs a favorable reference in the house of commons.

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Stupidasole
Orcs now require an increased water ration to cook their pasta.

Lunatick
Lunatick

@VisualMaster
Even though the canned pasta came with its own pasta sauce included, in which it was supposed to be boiled

Inmate
Inmate

@Lunatick
I love you Veeky Forums

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Emberburn
They crush they're conventional forces while establishing a base and searching for food. Eventually the more powerful elements of Mordor come out and start mind fucking them until they fall under Saoron's control.

New_Cliche
New_Cliche

@Emberburn
What happens?
They lose because the Germans can't come bail them out like they did in Greece

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@Sir_Gallonhead
DON'T FORGET THE INVASION OF ETHIOPIA!

Italy was literally BTFO by tribesmen with spears and hand made guns

farquit
farquit

@VisualMaster
@Lunatick
So was the Pasta Water Ration a real thing? Did they actually have the sauce to boil the Pasta in and not figure that out?

viagrandad
viagrandad

@Emberburn

Orcs counter-invade.

An armistice is signed which lets both sides claim that they won.

A generation later, Orcs eat pasta, speak passable Italian, and ride Vespas. Sauron's master plan is now hopelessly mired in bureaucracy.

We got over being an empire when Rome fell, thanks. Since then we've discovered that it's a lot more profitable to let other countries invade us, then assimilate them culturally.

Also, you can put a bazooka on a Vespa.

idontknow
idontknow

@Harmless_Venom
Italy was literally BTFO by tribesmen with spears and hand made guns
I'm pretty sure the Russians supplied the Ethiopian forces with weapons. Still pathetic on Italy's part, though.

Emberfire
Emberfire

@Harmless_Venom
Italy was literally BTFO by tribesmen with spears and hand made guns
Much like the British, except the Zulu's were literal spearchuckers whereas the Ethiopians were a semi-civilized kingdom that actually had acces to guns, the Italians were outnumbered 10:1 and still managed to inflict about 2000 more casualties than they suffered. And that's ignoring your biggest blunder: this was the FIRST Italo-Ethiopian war, under the Kingdom of Italy during the Scramble for Africa. The one under Mussolini was the SECOND Italo-Ethiopian war, which resulted in the annexation of Ethiopia, rising tensions on a global scale and apexed with Italy (and Germany) leaving the League of Nations.

There's one thing more ridiculous than the Italian army, and that's your knowledge of history.

TechHater
TechHater

@Sir_Gallonhead
it truly is astounding how Italy can't into war

PurpleCharger
PurpleCharger

@farquit
Except they did figure it out, nigger. Hell, the Italian army still gives out pasta as part of its standard rations today. You don't need extra water.

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

@VisualMaster
I don't think Italian cuisine refers to pasta...

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

@Evilember
glad somebody got that.

Soft_member
Soft_member

@Emberburn
What happens?
Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Mordor"!

girlDog
girlDog

@TechHater

Luigi Cadorna was an idiot, but he ended up being celebrated as a great general anyway for some reason.

He is from my hometown.

There is this very Necron-looking tomb on the lakeside for him.

The karyatids are soldiers of various branches of the Italian armed forces when the monument was made... plus a Blackshirt. Every year someone tries to deface the Blackshirt.

5mileys
5mileys

@Emberburn

Italians manage to fuck up, so the Germans have to bail them out. When faced with German troops, even Sauron is appalled at how much of a control freak those people are.

@Stupidasole

LOOKS LIKE RISOTTO IS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS

TurtleCat
TurtleCat

@Emberburn

Didn't someone make a "Nazis in fantasyland" quest http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Nazi%20Quest Ah, there it is. Now I'm tempted to resurrect the concept.

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@Emberburn
There's a lot more giant faces on Sauron's architecture.

Also, how do you fuck up fascist architecture, in Italy of all places?
This doesn't look menacing, it looks dumb as hell, and there's so much good roman stuff to take inspiration from right fucking *there*.

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@BlogWobbles

Discount Bioshock

Also, because fascists were idiots, except maybe for Gabriele d'Annunzio.

GoogleCat
GoogleCat

@TurtleCat
Ah yes, anyone else remember how quests don't belong on Veeky Forums? I sure am glad they're gone now so we can make room for three more amazon threads.

New_Cliche
New_Cliche

@Techpill

It worked out OK for Cristoforo Colombo, which is why we are having this conversation at all.

MPmaster
MPmaster

@SomethingNew
A* reference

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

@Illusionz

We did use tiny tanks. They were pretty useless.

And really crazy looking airplanes (you may recognize this one from Hayao Miyazaki).

And really weird heroic actions just for the sake of doing it.

Turns out real life doesn't work like anime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savoia-Marchetti_S.55

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_over_Vienna

Evilember
Evilember

@Emberburn
@VisualMaster
@Supergrass

Important question is, are the trains on time? And is Littorio still best battleship?

StrangeWizard
StrangeWizard

@BlogWobbles
That was just a campaign ad put up on a pre-existing building for one of the staged plebiscites, actual fascist architecture was just a more boring version of Roman architecture.

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@girlDog
but he ended up being celebrated as a great general anyway for some reason.
What the fuck are you talking about? He is the laughing stock of every italian and i nschool we spent more time talking about how much he sucked then every other bit of WW1 combined.

BlogWobbles
BlogWobbles

@Raving_Cute

oh la tomba la pago' il governo (dell'epoca) e se ti prendi la briga di andare a leggere libri di storia di epoca fascista lo trattano come un genio. (sono verbanese e abito a circa 2km da villa Cadorna, se non altro gli eredi hanno finalmente tolto le statue dal cancello)

DeathDog
DeathDog

@Burnblaze
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_over_Vienna
In WWII America carries out the Doolittle Raid, where a group of brave men fly deep into enemy territory to drop bombs on the enemy capital, scoring an important propaganda victory
In WWI Italy carries out the Flight over Vienna, where a group of brave men fly deep into enemy territory to drop untranslated propaganda leaflets on the enemy capital, making them look like complete idiots
Can Italy do anything right?

Booteefool
Booteefool

@BlogWobbles
Pensavo parlassi di oggi, ma scusa è stato destituito durante la guerra perchè faceva schifo al cazzo, com'è che poi l'hanno revisionato in essere un buon generale?

Spamalot
Spamalot

@PurpleCharger
@Emberfire
spot the italian

Bidwell
Bidwell

@Booteefool

boh..

@DeathDog

To be fair the simpler version of the leaflet was translated (not by d'Annunzio, who refused to do so)

And it was a pretty daring operation.

Just not very useful...

idontknow
idontknow

@New_Cliche
Columbus gets lost and finds middle earth
enslaves the hobbits before Sarumon can even get there

JunkTop
JunkTop

@Emberburn
They would switch sides each time they get beaten faster than they gobble down a plate of pasta

Ignoramus
Ignoramus

@GoogleCat
Well we can't bring it back...
Or can we?

Although desu, merging the boards back together would probably cause more problems than it's worth

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

@Emberburn
Mordor? Don't you mean Mora-Dora?

Poker_Star
Poker_Star

@StrangeWizard
I can't decide whether or not I like this.
Either way it definitely doesn't scream fascist, it wouldn't look out of place alongside lots of mid-century American buildings.

TreeEater
TreeEater

@Stupidasole
Italians are nto japs user, you add the a at the end, not between every couple of non-vowels.

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

@TechHater
Italy in WW1 actually managed to blow the fuck out Austro-Hungarian army so hard that it actually stopped being fighting force and the A-H Empire had to sue for peace. All it took to happen was the removal of Cardona from his position.

PurpleCharger
PurpleCharger

@DeathDog

In war? No, we stink at it.

But we excel at civil protection.

Granted, we are talking about the Fascist army, not the modern army, so... yeah, you have a point.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/18/opinion/beppe-severgnini-the-italian-military-to-the-rescue.html?_r=0

Fried_Sushi
Fried_Sushi

@CouchChiller
Forgot to link on the battle that did it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Vittorio_Veneto

viagrandad
viagrandad

@CouchChiller
All it took was the fact that Austro Hungaria was an outdated state on the brink of collapse, the surprising fact is that Cadorna managed to not win the war himself, not that the war was won once he was fired.

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Poker_Star
Italians designers where into futurism when Mussolini took over and it seems to have appealed to him due to themes it has.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futurist_architecture

Inmate
Inmate

@viagrandad
Just shows you how much of fuckup even by WW1 standards Cardonna truly was, when he can't even win a fight against enemy that is tripping over his own issues.

StonedTime
StonedTime

@Harmless_Venom
Ethiopia
almost only actual kingdom on the continent
tribesmen

Ignoramus
Ignoramus

@StonedTime
almost only actual kingdom on the continent
Not exactly hard when everyone else is a colony.

askme
askme

@Emberburn
Pre- or post-Ethiopia 2?

Because Pre-Ethiopia 2 they got all the shit ready to invade sombody and with Mordor they got nobody giving a shit about the mayhem too.

So it's a highly mechanized army dropping sarine gas on everything that looks vaguely humanoid with the US industry being in a full frenzy about Fascist Italy buying shit nonstop for reasons nobody can fathom.
They'll probably just barb wire up the couple of entrances into Mordor and then gas the shit outta the place.

RumChicken
RumChicken

Thread theme

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czTksCF6X8Y

Evil_kitten
Evil_kitten

@Booteefool
@BlogWobbles
God damn spaghetti speak.

farquit
farquit

@TechHater
Those rules about french warfare apparently apply to Italy as well.

w8t4u
w8t4u

@Ignoramus
It can't make things worse. Different kind of shit but not worse.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@farquit
France has been pretty good at warfare; they just fucked up really twice; Franco-Prussian and WW2.

Methnerd
Methnerd

@farquit
@Gigastrength
I think he misspelled trench warfare, otherwise it makes no sense.

Sharpcharm
Sharpcharm

@Methnerd
No I mean this
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@Sharpcharm
Jesus Christ I didn't even know that site was still alive.

GoogleCat
GoogleCat

@TreeEater
Or at the beginning. Sounds better in this case

Ignoramus
Ignoramus

@Sharpcharm
You know the largest battles of the American War of Independence were fought outside of North America thanks to France, Spain and Holland declaring war on Britain during it.

Garbage Can Lid
Garbage Can Lid

@Evilember
is Littorio still best battleship?
yes

Soft_member
Soft_member

@DeathDog

Previously, critics of D'Annunzio had said: "He writes but does not act." Because D'Annunzio's Italian text was considered ineffectual and not translatable into German, Ferdinando Martini quipped: "Now he acts but does not write."

farquit
farquit

@Ignoramus
Its called comedy user. Exaggeration is a big part of it.

w8t4u
w8t4u

@Sharpcharm
Why don't you use a proper list instead.
https://www.militaryfactory.com/battles/french_military_victories.asp

iluvmen
iluvmen

@Soft_member
Be a Nationalist poet
People keep saying you're a bitch for not doing anything .
Decide to do something extremely ballsy.
Refuse however to translate your leaflets because you're such a fucking queen, thus rendering your entire act mostly pointless.
Still be considered a laughing stock.

Techpill
Techpill

@Sharpcharm
Ah right. I assumed you were an intelligent person who made a typo. I assure you that's a mistake I won't make again.

TreeEater
TreeEater

@w8t4u
Because that list isnt as funny.

Sharpcharm
Sharpcharm

@farquit
No it's called propaganda against one of the US' oldest allies because it refused to follow in Iraq over flimsy claims and accusations.

Emberburn
Emberburn

*teleports behind your battleship*

Evilember
Evilember

@Techpill
@Sharpcharm
When the fuck did Veeky Forums get so autistic they dont find things funny anymore?

happy_sad
happy_sad

@iluvmen

Yep, that's d'Annunzio.

For an encore, he conquered a city. By himself with a few friends. After the war was over.

takes2long
takes2long

It's at this point you realise Italy was a plant by the Allies during WW2. Told just to fuck with Hitler for shits and giggles.

Bidwell
Bidwell

@Evilember
You must be an American, because only in America could flaunting ignorance and ridiculing loss of human life (but 9/11 is sacred!) pass for a joke.

massdebater
massdebater

@Evilember
When it became nu/tg/pol/ about 3 years ago.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@Bidwell
Australian actually. Now take a spoonful of cement and harden the fuck up son. If you dont find it funny, fine, but dont become a sanctimonious prick on this site of all places.

TreeEater
TreeEater

@massdebater
/pol/
passing up an opportunity to ridicule France
You must be new here. May I recommend reddit?

CodeBuns
CodeBuns

@massdebater

Sense of humor, eh? :)

cum2soon
cum2soon

@idontknow

Germans did. Yes, it was weird don't ask.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@CodeBuns
Britain
Irish
Somehow I have a hard time believing that.

Also
Poor little Belgian guy

RumChicken
RumChicken

@Sir_Gallonhead
using Wikipedia infoboxes out of context to prove a point
Veeky Forums is actually worse at history than /his/, great job faggots

Boy_vs_Girl
Boy_vs_Girl

@Sir_Gallonhead
It's like they used up all their conquer points on Rome early game and forgot to budget for the long haul.

happy_sad
happy_sad

@massdebater
nu/tg/pol/
This word triggers me more than any retarded /pol/ shit.

Bidwell
Bidwell

@CodeBuns
I believe this but only because gypsies are not a country.

likme
likme

@Evilember
Because it's old. Old, old, old, old, old.

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

Okay, new question:

You are Gabriele d'Annunzio, Bard. https://newrepublic.com/article/116326/gabriele-dannunzio-poet-seducer-and-preacher-war-reviewed
It's Sept 12, 1919
You are high as fuck on cocaine and mushrooms, normal weekday for you
"Let's go conquer Fiume!"
start driving there in your super spiffy one of a kind early hot rod with bicycle wheels
still high as fuck
end up in middle earth with your platoon of friends
"Eh, close enough. O LA VITTORIA O TUTTI ACCOPPATI!"

Wat do, Veeky Forums?
@Boy_vs_Girl

As an Italian, I agree.

hairygrape
hairygrape

@CouchChiller

AHAHAHAH. Killing an enemy that dies by heart attack does not mean "winning". The Empire collapsed by itself, subnational units like Ungarians and Kroats started deserting en masse. Vittorio Veneto is a pathetic attempt to find a victory to sell to the masses and to the allies: the "well we sucked hard and long but at least we won a single battle". It's sad but true.

@RumChicken

Do you want refs? I do have the copypasta I use on /k/ every time someone asks about Eyetalians.

WW1 was that on steroids. Born of a muddy diplomatic deal with France and Britain, it was a deeply unpopular war. The traditional problems of shitty equipment, lack of common language and the shittiest officer class you can think of made the Italian front the mockery it's known as. It was also an incredibly lethal enviroment, imagine fighting in sub-zero temperatures with crap uniforms and your officers are more bent on killing you than the enemy. Caporetto, the great defeat, was a textbook example of the failures of the Italian leadership. Italy won because the Austria-Hungary collapsed by itself.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@hairygrape

Fascism. Ohhh, Fascism. I could write a 50 pages paper on fascist and warfare. Italy won the campaign against the British in Somaliland. Italy lost on all other fronts. The problem was, at the basic level, that Italy was a piss poor country with shitty industrial capacity, a good infantry tradition, and hilariously terrible commanders and leadership. Again, we can talk endlessly how Mussolini in reality had little control on his own country, how the industrial output was worse than WW1 levels, how propaganda was an abject failure, how the officer class was STILL a bunch of spiteful dumbfucks (at lower levels, Italian soldiers fought, often quite well. Matters little when the overall situation is a shitstorm, though). The Navy was.... terrified. Think that no one wanted to engage the British because they were scared as fuck to get sacked if they lost a ship: so they never dared to act aggressively, even when they HAD THE FUCKING ADVANTAGE. The Air arm was a mess of glory hounds, shit training and good designs without the industrial capacity to build them.

PackManBrainlure
PackManBrainlure

@Bidwell
And jews. And africans. And arabs.

Evilember
Evilember

@Gigastrength

Yadda Yadda 1943 Italy knifes Hitler yadda RSI yadda resistance. Post war. Italy gets the most powerful Commie party of the West, and the Americans react by forcing the entire Italian political system to a simple fact: Christian Democrats must rule, the commies can exist but they can be only the opposition. Despite economical growth postwar treaties and the fact that Italy was pretty much useless against the SU (on the contrary, Italy had some very good economical deals with the Soviets) the army gets subpar resources and training. The Army slowly becomes a way for the southern italians to escape economical depression, and we're still there: the Italian army has become utterly useless by itself, and barely useful in a NATO framework (don't tell it to the grunts, some still believe they are useful, lol). It's mostly a way to get a comfy job as a pseudo public servant, and of course as a way for politicians to embezzle untold amounts of founds. A note: contrary to the commonly held opinion "corruption" in Italy is quite hidden: you don't get the policeman asking you for a bribe, but the entire State and all the parties are deep in a web of corruption anf favours exchanges that weights down the economy and makes the life of the common citizen crappy.

If we were to talk about theoretical military growth in Italy, well, shit. We have no money thanks to decades of political and economical disasters. Italy stopped growing in the '80ies. In dreamland Italy could leverage its great infantry tradition, its good weapon industries and its excellent geographical position, but it's all up to the Americans as there simply isn't enough money around. Plus the armed forces never had to DO anything bar being US auxiliary occupation troops, so who knows if they are better than their WW1\WW2 era ancestors. I still remember a frigate captain that I got to know, when I asked him what he did for his whole life, he calmly replied: "Well, not much."

TalkBomber
TalkBomber

@kizzmybutt
Keep on going and waving Italian tricolours while delivering drunken ballads about the glory of Italy to bemused people who have no idea who you are and what you're ranting about.

WebTool
WebTool

@PackManBrainlure
what is Israel
what is Somalia
what is Germany

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@kizzmybutt
Well since I'm high on cocaine and mushrooms end up in the Shire for that pipeweed and midget fucking and never leave.

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@Evilember

Do you want extra info on how in WW2 all the italian armoure vehicles were designed by a single man thanks to political corruption? How no one had the foggiest idea how to do adequate ammo loads? About the performance of M divisions?

Fascist Italy is a comedy of errors and squandering of forces. At least the Japs had their glory moments until 1942. But one thing is essential, Mussolini did not live in a vaccum. His regime, bar the theatrics, it's typically italian: big on promises, low on results, barely approved and understood by the people.

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

Meat goes back on the menu. Most of it salted pork and fish.

Nude_Bikergirl
Nude_Bikergirl

@TechHater
"Not this shit again"

Lord_Tryzalot
Lord_Tryzalot

@VisualMaster
@TalkBomber

.... Yeah, that sounds very much about right.

End up in the Shire
Some guy named Sharkey is running the place
Some of the midgets kick his ass before we can get around of it
Big party
Why did we come here again?
Settle in Midget England for a while, share recipes, share stories and songs, get drunk, get laid, all is good
Eventually stumble home
Write extremely confusing verse about it
Nobody gets it
Write a condensed prose version to young British author asking for writing tips
Many years later
Motherfucker stole my novel

Methnerd
Methnerd

@LuckyDusty
Build greatest civilization in the history of mankind
Civilization collapses
Remnants start referring to themselves as something else

Fucking Italians

FastChef
FastChef

@LuckyDusty
Thank god they don't need navies in Modor.

CodeBuns
CodeBuns

@viagrandad

I have...just so many questions about that Vespa.

How does one reload the gun after firing?

Would the weight of the Vespa and the rider be enough to counter-act the recoil of the gun?

How slow is it? Because judging by the fact that my little brother's scooter barely does 60mph and is only a couple CC's below being an actual motorbike, I can't imagine this thing doing more. Especially since it's got small Artilery piece, plus ammo, built into it.

Why would you even need such a thing? It's basically a small-caliber, unarmoured tank-destroyer that has to be manualy shoved around to aim, isn't it?

Would you use your crotch as an improvised cross-hair? Since by the look of it, it is a litteral crotch rocket.

I know the French used something similar during the conflict in French Indo-China (Present day Vietnam, I think), but that was because it was easier to do that than lug a full blown artilery piece through the jungle.

Did the Italians use it in a similar role, or were they working on the rule of cool and use these things in open combat?

Booteefool
Booteefool

@CodeBuns

The Vespa is a post ww2 invention, the first prototypes were made with landing gear cowlings and airplane starter motors.

That is a recoilless rifle, and yes it could be aimed in motion. The idea was to work in pairs, fire twice, make a U turn, hide behind something, and reload.

The Vespa easily does European highway speeds. Doesn't look like it, but it does.

Deadlyinx
Deadlyinx

@CodeBuns
All the Nordic countries mock Sweden

I just love this map,also Estonians joking about Finland. What I am most suprised is that the most joked nation in Greece is Albania and not Turkey.

SniperGod
SniperGod

@VisualMaster

Looked Dannunzio up on wikipedia and the guy did all this crazy shit for real.

conquer a city by himself
hold it for 18 months
literally spend all of that time on a cocaine bender
go home
squat in a villa
drag a FUCKING DESTROYER into the front yard just because
the government eventually donates it to you
have all the sex in the meantime

Okay, I have my next bard character concept.

Ignoramus
Ignoramus

@SniperGod
@Emberburn
@Illusionz
@Sir_Gallonhead

So basically Italian soldiers in the 20th century were a bunch of supreme badasses who kept getting their asses kicked due to having no idea what they were doing strategically.

Got it.

Basically PCs.

If armies can be spirit animals I think we found a good fit for Veeky Forums.

now waiting for the obligatory loli version, hetalia / GuP?

Nojokur
Nojokur

@CodeBuns
It's basically a motorised gun carriage for a recoiless rifle; the idea is that you dismount, take the recoiless off the scooter, set up the recoiless then shoot; no one is shooting that thing while riding it. They were used in teams of two scooters with the loader's scooter carrying the tripod and more ammunition while the gunner's scooter carried the gun and more ammunitions.

It's basically a cheap way to get an air-droppable mobile gun team for paratroopers.

Spazyfool
Spazyfool

@StrangeWizard
Keep in mind that the aesthetics of the Italian fascists and the aesthetics of the Nazis were very different and need to be treated separately.

The Nazis basically had a sentimental boner for some fake imagined classical west/Holy Roman Empire. Their architecture tended to be Roman architecture lite + but monumental and obnoxious.

The Italian fascists on the other hand were all about Futurism, which many argue had actual artistic merit. Pic related was Il Duce's HQ.

Authoritarianism aside, I like it

Lunatick
Lunatick

@Deadlyinx
Greeks don't joke about Turks; they hate Turks.

Meanwhile Albanians are from a country so shitty they illegally migrate to Italy for work; or at least they used to. Now they tend to go to UK or Germany.

Lord_Tryzalot
Lord_Tryzalot

@Nojokur

This needs to have a baby with the Davy Crockett nuke.

WITNESS-A ME!

Bidwell
Bidwell

@Lunatick
There's plenty in America pretending to be Italian, mostly running restaurants.

idontknow
idontknow

@WebTool
I don't think you get how people in Europe joke about other nationalities, it allways the guys next door they are joking about the most. I bet if we had similar map of USA about what state people are joking about it would most likely be state right next to them. Hell same thing happens in regional level in Europe. England mocks Scotland and Scotland gives it right back at them.And both of the make Wales jokes.

Firespawn
Firespawn

@idontknow
The hobbits all die of syphilis before Sauron arrives

RavySnake
RavySnake

@happy_sad
Was it an italian city?

LuckyDusty
LuckyDusty

@GoogleCat
So gid damned sick if this Amazon fetish taking over the board

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@Gigastrength

Also that time they led half over half a million people into Russia and returned with a fraction of that
Or that time where they thought that concentrating all your forces in a base surrounded by mountainous jungle was a good way to fight guerrillas
Or that one time at Saint Crispins Day

Point being, I can understand being fed up by the memes, but that doesn't mean the French didn't have their fair share of fuckups like every other nation.

FastChef
FastChef

@DeathDog

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bakar_mockery

Hmm.

So. Gabriele Dannunzio was a professional military troll.

The flight over vienna was the SECOND stupidly-ballsy-no-real-effect thing he did to the Austrians.

@SniperGod

Yeah, a bard warband leader looks pretty viable. This guy sounds like he came out of Valkyria Chronicles.

Nude_Bikergirl
Nude_Bikergirl

@CodeBuns

Wait, so the Italians take the piss out of themselves more than anyone else?

That's...that's kind of sad actually.

Booteefool
Booteefool

@RavySnake

It was a Yugoslavian city. He conquered it a few months after WW1 was over.

He wanted to give it to Italy, the Italian government basically went "la la la I can't hear you" because with the world war just over they didn't want any more drama, and he basically held it for 18 months then went home.

My guess is that the city had run out of drugs and whores.

The people there still speak Italian to this day.

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

@Nude_Bikergirl

Eh, we make fun of southerners (terroni) and they make fun of us northerners (polentoni) mostly I bet.

Also, we have a decent sense of humor about political stuff. Given our history we kind of have to...

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

The old Veeky Forums lives again in this thread. FORZA E ONORE!

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@VisualMaster
What wargame was that from?

Emberfire
Emberfire

@Bidwell
Oh brother. Tell us more about your bleeding heart brave signaller

Emberburn
Emberburn

@Methnerd
Rome never collapsed. It just broke apart over the years.

girlDog
girlDog

@likme
Everyone got riggered about their boogeymen and you're the only one who gets that stale bullshit is stale and quits being funny after it gets repeated many times. Sad!

Stupidasole
Stupidasole

@Nojokur
So dragoons?

Nude_Bikergirl
Nude_Bikergirl

@CodeBuns
Poles dont make jokes about Germany, they know Germans are no joke

Also
Bosnia

King_Martha
King_Martha

@CodeBuns
Huh, I would have guess for Germany it would be France.

takes2long
takes2long

@Stupidasole
Paratroopers.

idontknow
idontknow

@CodeBuns
All Scandinavians make fun of Sweden

jajajajajajaja

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

For some reason, thinking about modern Italian warfare makes me think of this

Stark_Naked
Stark_Naked

@Emberburn
And got sacked 6 times. One of which was due to the fact that they didnt pay their mercenaries what they were owed

Sir_Gallonhead
Sir_Gallonhead

@WebTool
Pretty sure it's "which country IN EUROPE do European countries joke about", which is why Greece doesn't have Turkey and no-one has the US

Skullbone
Skullbone

@haveahappyday
What was the saying? "No honor among thieves"?

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@CouchChiller
They do have a habit of making saturday morning cartoon villains as their leaders.

SomethingNew
SomethingNew

@CodeBuns
Hungary
Scotland
Wtf?

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

Faccetta verde

Harmless_Venom
Harmless_Venom

@idontknow
Except everyone makes fun of New Jersey

t. person from New Jersey

Flameblow
Flameblow

@ZeroReborn

are you from Unitedstan?

SomethingNew
SomethingNew

@Spazyfool
It looks like 1984 had an aneurysm.

Techpill
Techpill

@Harmless_Venom
@whereismyname
But fascist Italy won in Ethiopia.
Also, there's a reason why they invaded it in the first place: no other European power colonized it before. Not to mention how for 1000+ years it's been a Christian kingdom surrounded on all sides by Muslims who also failed to conquer it and not for lack of trying.

That's like saying some civilisation sucks because it had trouble conquering Afghanistan. It's just not easy.

Evilember
Evilember

@Emberburn
The Italians in World War II really suffered from two problems: Outdated equipment and poor officers, "poor" in this case meaning officers who generally preferred slower, more cautious approaches.

Neither is likely to impact Italy invading Mordor. Even outdated equipment (even that's wrong...Italy sort-of prepared for the wrong sort of war; their equipment was excellent by the standards of, say, 1920 or early 1930; less so for the late 30s and early 40s) still gives the Italians machine guns, tanks, and artillery to direct against an army largely equipped with bows and spearmen.

No, the real problem the Italians will face is the fact that Mordor is a landlocked nation, hundreds of miles from the sea, and most of Italy's supplies need to travel over the sea. So before Italy invades Mordor it's going to need to secure a port in Gondor for the Regia Marina to bring supplies through.

Flameblow
Flameblow

@Sir_Gallonhead
When Rome fell, it fell hard.

Raving_Cute
Raving_Cute

@Soft_member
Is "a land-war in China" thing a reference to Risk?

Inmate
Inmate

@Techpill
Well, with regards to Ethiopia, they actually invaded it because a European power HAD invaded it before - namely, Italy, from 1895 to 1896. And lost. The second war was done with the intent of reclaiming Italian honor for having lost the first time, along with other considerations like mineral wealth.

Italy lost the first time 'round due to poor intelligence gathering (for example, at the Battle of Adwa they planned an early-morning attack expecting the Ethiopians to be asleep, not knowing that the Ethiopians had risen early for weekly Church services), superior Ethiopian numbers (~17,700 Italians verses 73,000 to 120,000 Ethiopians, most of whom were armed with rifles, half of which were quick-firing), and Russians providing tactical and strategic advice to circumvent Ethiopian shortcomings, like the Feudal structure of its army.

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Raving_Cute
It's actually a land war in Asia, and it's because European powers getting drawn into land wars in Asia - anywhere in Asia - tend to turn into drawn-out nightmares, even if the Europeans technically win, for reasons of supply issues, numbers, the fact that most Asian countries have a surfeit of strategic depth...

If you must get involved in war in Asia, make sure it's one you can win by blockading and shelling port cities from the comfort of your ships, not one that requires you to actually put any significant numbers of boots on the ground. Better yet, if you must get into a land war in Asia, get another Asian power to do most of the fighting for you.

BunnyJinx
BunnyJinx

@Supergrass
Army spearhead by italians
So mordor never wins a war again? Good ending.

Fuzzy_Logic
Fuzzy_Logic

@Methnerd
Am I the only one that regularly laughs at the fact that at least a quarter of the world now calls themselves Latins while the real Latins refer to themselves as Italians? Lmao at this fucking planet. Humans are stupid as shit.

Methnerd
Methnerd

@Flameblow
You have to admit that Silvio Berlusconi is almost cartoonishly
And Benito definitely was

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

@Methnerd

Yes. Which is why I am not worried about Trump. We survived Silvio, you will survive Donald.

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@Fuzzy_Logic
while the real Latins

You have no understanding of what you're talking about.

The Latins were a tribe of people in central Italy, but by the time Rome no one considered themselves to be "Latin", they considered themselves Roman and so spread Roman culture and the Latin language, which itself was already branching into a number of different forms. Protip: what you hear in Church sounds nothing like what actual spoken Latin did. "Veni Vidi Vici should be pronounced "weh-nee wee-dee wee-kee", for example, not "veh-nee vee-dee vee-chee".

Heck, by the time of the Roman Empire, the upper crust spoke Greek by preference, not Latin, while the lower classes spoke what was called the Vulgate or Vulgar Latin, which is what eventually became Italian, Spanish, Romansch, and so on.

And the reason why people refer to themselves as Latino is because they largely speak Spanish, which is by far the most successful of the Romance or Latin-derived languages. Mexico alone has more people in it than the entire Roman Empire at its height.

Crazy_Nice
Crazy_Nice

@SomethingNew
I remember that jokes about Scotland were quite common in Germany when I was a child in the 90s. I did not hear them for a long time though.

It was mostly about stereotypical scottish stinginess. Maybe it was just because every kid loved Scrooge McDuck.

likme
likme

@CouchChiller
I truly appreciate the sentiment and your attempt to make us feel better, but Silvio wasn't commander-in-chief of the most powerful military force in the history of mankind, President of a country that controls a full fifth of the world's wealth, and didn't have a big red button on his desk.

...well, I mean, he might have had a big red button, but you know what I mean. My point is that Silvio simply didn't have the power to screw up everything to the degree that Trump does. And is.

DeathDog
DeathDog

@likme
Remember, that he has a bigger co... button than everyone else.

Stark_Naked
Stark_Naked

So I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that the only things Italians are good at is cooking and designing vehicles that go fast.

Is this the right assumption to be making?

Lord_Tryzalot
Lord_Tryzalot

@BinaryMan
no one considered themselves to be "Latin", they considered themselves Roman

Wrong. Rome was a Latin military installation that dominated its fellow Latins. The Latins still existed as a separate entity. Rome was just the "spear" of Mars, so to speak.

The rest of what you said is completely irrelevant to what I was talking about and you're just ranting.

haveahappyday
haveahappyday

@Stark_Naked
Theyre decent at suits if you fit slim

Emberburn
Emberburn

@Stark_Naked

We're pretty good at inventing stuff in general (the telephone, the espresso machine, the intel chip...)

We aren't particularly good at mass production though.

GoogleCat
GoogleCat

@Lord_Tryzalot
There was a region called Latium, but no one there would have considered themselves to be Latin except in the most abstract sense by the time the Roman Republic was a thing. They'd call themselves Romans or Italians.

Sir_Gallonhead
Sir_Gallonhead

@Evilember
their equipment was excellent by the standards of, say, 1920 or early 1930

This is the case for nearly everyone though. Shitaly's problem is that it didn't have the leadership or industrial capacity to make up the difference when it came time to get into the 40's. Japanese was exactly the same. By the standards of the decade the war wasn't fought in their equipment was top notch (knee mortars are love) but by the 40's it was outdated and badly needed updates that the economy just couldn't afford to make.

Gigastrength
Gigastrength

@Emberburn
This looks like some dieselpunk fantasy art, it's fucking wild.

WebTool
WebTool

@Ignoramus
GuP Italy are ABSOLUTE MADWOMEN who do stuff like using tankettes with machine guns in real tank matches and SPG JOUSTING and basically being party animals with tanks.

StonedTime
StonedTime

@Emberburn
The 11th Battle of the Anduin.

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

@Stark_Naked
You forgot complaining about stuff we won’t actually fix

Fried_Sushi
Fried_Sushi

@Emberburn
Benito finds the ring. Invites orcs to join his army as a measure to hold back the Soviets.

takes2long
takes2long

@CodeBuns
Belarus never jokes
May be the Party doesn't like jokes
May be too busy digging up potatos.

Emberburn
Emberburn

@Emberburn
Considering how badly the Greece invasion was planned, I wouldn't be surprised if they ran out of oil before reaching the black gate.

Then again italians led the last successful cavalry charge in history, so they might surprise us with a rohirrim-like desperate zerg.

@Sir_Gallonhead
I don't think you understand how wars work, especially if your judgment relies on a png of a fistful of wiki infoboxes, which are by themselves painfully out of context or meme-tier

cum2soon
cum2soon

@Stark_Naked
They're also pretty good at tractors and welding wire for some reason

BinaryMan
BinaryMan

@StonedTime
almost only actual kingdom on the continent

5mileys
5mileys

@Bidwell
They tend to Puero Rican in reality, which is the oddest thing to me.

Flameblow
Flameblow

You know, I've just realised we've gotten this far into the thread and we haven't even decided what the Italians are actually taking into battle with them.

How prepared for this do we think they're going to be?

If it's a repeat of the Russia situation, I imagine they'd get a couple miles in before the sharp, rocky ground of Mordor cuts their cardboard boots to ribbons and leaves them marching barefoot into a land of death and fire.

SniperWish
SniperWish

@VisualMaster
The Orcs just fly in all directions when they touch a horse and do not even slow them down.
While I agree the horses should slow, you do realise they weigh around 3 times more than the average man, and can run 30-40 mphs, orcs are lighter and smaller too. They would barrel through several orcs

CouchChiller
CouchChiller

@Methnerd
You have to admit that Silvio Berlusconi is almost cartoonishly

The joke is that the US voted Trump into office. Guy's so crass that he makes Berlusconi look like a wise statesman and devout Christian.

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@Sharpcharm
the Dien Bien Flu
I chuckled again. That one always gets me even if the rest is kind of played out.

Snarelure
Snarelure

@Flameblow
It's apparently everything they had with them when invading Greece, according to OP.

whereismyname
whereismyname

@WebTool
You probably should be reading the Ribbon Warrior manga.

They keep up being nuts and they get a much fairer shake than in the Anime.

PurpleCharger
PurpleCharger

@farquit
On all accounts he's only a doppelganger badly pretending to be Berlusconi in order to blacken his good name.

AwesomeTucker
AwesomeTucker

Mussolini become friends with Sauron. Gondor gets fucked by gunpowder

RavySnake
RavySnake

@Sir_Gallonhead
When asked about the Italian military, Audie Murphy replied if the Italians were running the war, they would have lost much sooner.

ZeroReborn
ZeroReborn

@Emberburn
Italians abandon their vehicles and guns when a arrow flies their way.

Mordor has now advanced military tech.

Great fucking job, Italy.

Need_TLC
Need_TLC

@Emberburn
A gtadual collapse is still a collapse. All destructions are transformations.

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@kizzmybutt
Campaign for North Africa

@Lunatick
Apparently the author of the game knew about this but thought it would be funnier to have them have an increased water ration.

Soft_member
Soft_member

@farquit

Berlusconi made his money, Trump inherited it. So, the meme should be switched around.

kizzmybutt
kizzmybutt

@SniperWish

Yeah, this is Tolkien Orcs not WH40K Orks.

Emberburn
Emberburn

Musolini becomes friends with Sauron
Gondor gets fucked by gunpowder

Supergrass
Supergrass

@BlogWobbles
@Booteefool
Bucci beppi scuzzi pasta luigi. Bada bing bada boom paisanos. Do the mario

Dreamworx
Dreamworx

@Stark_Naked
Wine too, unless that counts as cooking

Burnblaze
Burnblaze

The same thing that always happens
Italy Fucking Loses

VisualMaster
VisualMaster

@Nude_Bikergirl
It's a bit of an obsession to "joke" about how much worse we are compared to Scandinavians. The problem is that some retards think it reflects reality and that meaningful comparisons can be made.

happy_sad
happy_sad

@Emberburn

There's a decent fic on fanfiction.net on a similar note.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/SarumanOfManyDevices

@Supergrass

ma gavte la nata :)

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