Greentext / storytiem thread

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This one is shit,don't read it.

This post is shit, don't read it.

Anyone have the one of the mommy dm who put stickers on sheets?

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The pigfucker! I was looking for him! Does anyone have the extended story?

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Does anyone have that one story about the Dwarf in a party declaring the mayor evil and suddenly the town guards attack the monk player?

Damn.

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Doesn't this have another part of followup screencap to it?

I might be thinking of a different storytime to be fair.

This is old. This is about three to seven years old, and the first entries are back in the days of edgy teens playing Vampire in parents' living rooms.
But there's history, and it's oWoD (mostly).

1. The Malkavian is not allowed to take dots in Occult any more.
2. The ST cannot keep a poker face on caffeine.
3. Nosferatu are not spraypaint. But close.
4. You want hooligans? And you want drugs? HOOLIGANS ON DRUGS.
5. The other Malkavian is not to be allowed to get tweaked.
6. Do not call the Tzimisce fat.
7. Weight must not be written in more than 15 digitsafterthe comma.
8. ALWAYS HOUSTON.
9. At no time is the Ravnos allowed to wear a bomb belt.
10. No hero's battlecry can be "For Akrabah".
11. To the uninvolved, we're ghosts.
12. We will not offer to accompany Victoria Ash to the toilet.
13. Just because he's a lower generation doesn't mean we can eat him.
14. The Embrace does NOT workTHATway. Pervs.
15. Twilight is not a valid choice of book.
16. 200 Thai AIDS hooker Brujah are not a valid way to spend 100 dollars on, no matter the cost.
17. Really, no one wants to know how your Nosferatu looks. For Christ's sake, just keep on Mask Of A Thousand Faces and don't ever take it off.
18. A Nosferatu in a lime-green mankini?HUMANITY ROLL.Singing along to Pakistani schlager-folk music on the radio?HUMANITY ROOOOOOOOLL.
19.A wolf can perfectly wellbe the size of a horse. It's called the Horsewolf.
20. Learn to take a hint from the ST. Embracing a new childe every 2.7 minutes isn't going to keep the 16-ton weights off your character.
21. Tremere are fun to stake. Stake a Tremere everyday.
21b. Also, Wake With Morning's Freshness doesn't help when you're outnumbered.
22. If your axe has a name, please seek counseling. If you wear teddy-bear slippers and have imaginary friends, please seek the Fishmalk Disposal Centre.
23. Anyone who takes a ride in the Blue Opel is entitled to a free ride to a child psychologist.
(1/2)

24. There is no help against Beard. Everything becomes Beard.
25. If you run in the hallways, you'll diiiiiie.
26. Toreador are entitled to a saving throw against fire. Every minute.
27. UFO - Unidentified Falling Object.
28. Beware the nice player. Only a successful Humanity roll prevented his character from going Wassail.
29. There is no such thing as a were-rabbit. Anyone who mentions this nonexistent creature will be Denied from existence by Malkav.
29b. There is, however, such a thing as a were-D10. Its properties, however, remain unknown, as do, luckily, the methods to produce one.
30. You, the PC, will not be able to Embrace an animal, ever. The only one who will is the mythical Des Moines Camel-Party Planner, the One Who Wanders with Camels.
31. Do not let a Corax into a kitchen full of granola bars. Predictably, the only possible outcome is total, all-encompassing disaster.
32. The Silent Hill Twins will soon be required to use Binoculars of Chaos to avoid straining their eyes and their already wobbly psyche.
32b. Also, it really cannot be healthy to watch the psychic remnants of an event that would traumatize even the Sabbat - namely, a24-year-old Tzimisce and a 13-year-old human boy having sex on an art room table.
33. Lip-reading over a camera with no dots in the skill and two dots in Perception is not supposed to be a plan at all, much less Plan B.
34. We will not speak of The Rotating Setite, no matter how lethal it turned out to be.
35. If you're gonna be cheated by a Disney idol, please don't die on the bathroom floor.
36. You shouldn't punch a Tremere. You shouldn't punch a primogen either. That means you should especially not sock the 200-year-old Tremere primogen with Cauldron of Blood and Lure of Flames 5 in front of the 7th-generation Lasombra antitribu prince with a 5th-generation Methuselah grandsire, and especially not when you're a Brujah neonate.
37. Ventrue neonates can act as currency in tight spots.
(Make that 2/3)

38. You will not ask what happened after you pissed off the wraith. Keep quiet, and you'll be let off with a phobia of Setites, maple syrup and ice cream cones.
39. The next time the Ventrue tries to commit in-game mutiny against the ST, the guillotine comes out.
40. 12 successes on a Brawl roll are enough to break frenzy, and that's just how it is.
41. No inventing new genders.
42. Next time, we keep the your-mom insults to when the ST isn't talking, alright?
43. All dead character sheets become part of the Force.
44. Two feet is not a safe distance to a cortex bomb.
45. The words "Manabozho", "bicycle" and "rockets" are mutually exclusive.
46. If his name is Xochipilli Too-Dumb-To-Live, next time we take it at face value.
47. The elf does not need dwarfen booze badly.
47b. The words "wizard", "boxers" and "nutrisoy"shouldhave been mutually exclusive.
48. You are not the first person to come into an Armanté branch only wanting something with a good Conceal rating, and boy does the clerk know that.
49. Subjective belief has not and will never convince the cyberware scanner that those boosted reflexes are natural.
50. Please do not flash your cybertorso to the Adept.
51. Next time, the Tenere Wyrsta will not count on the Twitcher. Wars have been known to start over less.

Some of them are self-explanatory. Some of them are results of the start of the Meme Age back in 2010. All of them are probably a bit embarrassing, but it's a list of Mr. Welch-esque notes I kept over the course of a few years of wonky Vampire/oWoD games.

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This makes me want to drop the hobby entirely because I'll never have a player that good.

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This was before Reddit.
Everyone learns, you know. Have a look back on your own early days and ask yourself if you have a double standard.

>d&d 5e
>underdark campaign
>party is semi-regular. Dwarf paladin(i think, forgot her class), minotaur ranger, goatman sorcerer, kobold druid, myconid wizard(me), and some other fucks at times

>make it to a castle dungeon. Minotaur has horrible lucks, gets crit fails all the time
>no one likes the kobold. He sucks at rp and gets salty

>first encounter. We get an idea.
>i (the myconid) shrinks him down, and the dwarf drops him down a grate to go chase a vampire mist

>eventually, we "forget" he's down there
>cast blur, lose concentration
>kobold grows to full size
>stuck in grate
>dies

Session ends there

>next session
>kobold player is given a second chance, as the maw demon i used my spores to animate
>session starts off with us eating his corpse
>we make it into the castle
>i die to a trap
>this causes the maw demon to die
>the trap was my own design; i was switching characters
>this was all a ruse to give kobold fuck a sendoff
>he ragequits
>party eats our corpses
>everyone loved milweed
Not a super good one, but the experience was fun

And then i replaced the well loved mushroom man with a greedy psychopathic autificer/wizard

Someone different played minotaur man next session. Sheet musta been jinxed because he rolled like shit too, eventually crit failing a magic thing and basically being teleported out of campaign.

Whenever I need a good laff I dig this up

Man, I really like the idea of people delaying eternal rest and coming back as undead to protect their families.

>BAD END
>HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

This shit is read, don't post it.

Is dont shi't post, read it this.

suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/57058006

shit this is don't, post is read

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Does anyone have that story about a party that nearly all died to find some treasure?

Isn't that very nearly every game of D&D ever?

It was also really long and really good.

Lol, has that DM really never heard of a force multiplier.

>really long and really good.
A party of adventures raiding the temple of golden dragon dildos?

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I want therer to be more of this.

Does anyone have the story where user reads a girl's fanfic to her and she masturbates, while he thinks he is hearing someone making Mac and Cheese?

It involve the words pomme-de-sangre

>This was before Reddit.
But reddit predates Veeky Forums by two years.

The girl was in the Army if I remember correctly.

That one.

Before Reddit came to my country, then.

Yes, those lists were old old.

I have some OC about my cleric's adventures in the afterlife.

>Playing a Lawful Questionable cleric of Lamashtu
>Spent her life being a good follower. spreading her goddess' teachings. The strong shall prey upon the weak. Kill or starve. Defend the pack.
>On a quest to save the realm, she dies to a lucky blow
>Awakes in purgatory. Speaks with the weavers of fate, who guide her to the Barrens, a land between planes.
>A shephard of souls guides her and several other faithful to the base of a mountain, the entrance to their lady's realm.
>Quest up the mountain, guiding her new companions through three trials of conviction, wisdom, and strength.
>Reach the apex, and walk through a wall of light into a caldera filled with a jungle growing around enormous skeletons of monsters long-slain.
>The Beastlands. Her godess' realm.
>Whooping in victory she and her companions run through the jungle, scaring small prey animals out of their hiding holes.
>Sling, arrow, and bolt fell the critters, which are collected for a grand feast that night
>Their hunt is paused by a rumbling in the jungle. Heavy steps are rampaging through the trees, crushing them underfoot.
>The hunting party hide in some lush underbrush to see a group of 7 mastadons crash into the clearing.
>They have an elder lagging at the end of the pack
>Easy pickings
>She runs forward as the pack is about to leave the clearing, and stabs the old mammoth in the side.
>It bellows
>It, and the rest of the pack, turn to face her
>Deciding that discretion is the better part of valour, she flees
>Her hunting party runs from the angry herd as well
>She makes good distance, but still turns to see two mammoths following her
>Two?
>Now that she can handle.
>Calling upon her godess, she binds one to the earth and faces the second.
>It enters her reach, and takes three blows before even connecting with its tusks.
>The beast gores her side, but she manages to put it down as the first escapes its magical bonds.

>She stands atop the bleeding corpse of her kill, and bellows a victory call at the remaining mammoth, which snorts and retreats to find its herd.
>Pleased with another successful hunt, she casts a spell to enchant her strength and drags the beast back to her companions.
>"Friends!", she cries, "Tonight we feast!"
>That night she slept well with her belly full, deciding what she would say to the ruler of this land to convince them that her business in the mortal coil is yet to be finished.
>But for now, this afterlife of hunting, feasting, and packmates to share the glory is everything she wanted it to be.

Kinda lame. No offense.