Vespertine gets inside your head. If you squirt yourself with the vial of fragrance you get when you leave, it may get under your skin, too.
Since it opened here in July, its $250 tasting menus (tax and service charge not included) have left people perplexed, impressed, annoyed or all three. The perplexity had begun months before among the food media when the restaurant released a short trailer starring a woman in a gauzy hooded robe walking on a hill; it was impossible to tell whether she was heading to Vespertine or going in the other direction to find a taco.
Critics have been divided, too. Half of them seemed to be trying to describe the experience in the most unpleasant terms possible, while the other half was looking for something nice to say. The first group appeared to have the easier job. Even Jonathan Gold of The Los Angeles Times, who named Vespertine the city’s best restaurant this week, acknowledged that the experience “is going to drive many of you insane.”
Anybody inclined to paint the restaurant as a steaming pile of pretentious nonsense will find that Jordan Kahn, Vespertine’s chef and overall impresario, is standing there with an open paint bucket and a brush. Vespertine is dedicated to “exploring a dimension of cuisine that is neither rooted in tradition nor culture,” a press release read. “It is a spirit that exists between worlds.” To Marian Bull of GQ, he described the building, one of several the architect Eric Owen Moss has designed in this low-rise district of vintage studio lots and start-ups, as “a machine artifact from an extraterrestrial planet that was left here like a billion years ago by a species that were moon worshippers.”
The first dish of the night seemed to be a sequined branch on an inclined black tortilla. The tortilla was a clay plate made, like many of the serving pieces, by a local sculptor named Robert Boldz. The branch was a water spinach stem brushed with turkey emulsion and bedazzled with little yellow pike eggs, tiny finger-lime orbs, pink and purple flowers the size of shirt-collar buttons, and whatnot. I like salads flavored with poultry juices, and I liked this.
Next came what I thought of as A Wheel Inside a Wheel, a wide looping belt of kelp stuck with blots of lovage sauce to the inside of a black ceramic hoop. There was a bloop of whipped honey inside the hoop, too. I stared, looking for a way in, until a server said, “You can think of it as chips and dip.” Oh, of course.
Some courses were almost inviting. Others seemed determined not to be eaten at all, like the C-curve of black wafer pressed into a C-curve of black ceramic. It wasn’t at all clear which part was supposed to go in my mouth. I gambled on the wafer, which was a crumbly savory cookie made from black currants and dried onions and brushed with black currant jam.
It went on from there, the portions growing slightly more substantial. Nothing tasted as weird as it looked. For this I was grateful. Nearly every dish tasted good, in one way or another, although more than one juxtaposed something unquestionably delicious with other things that turned up empty-handed to the flavor party: wonderful lobster in a bittersweet sauce of malted barley syrup and butter with a dull white spill of tapioca; exceptional brined scallop, sauced with yuzu and a tea made from Douglas fir tips, with unexciting ovals of white asparagus standing up like marble headstones in a cemetery.
Jack King
Mr. Kahn’s innovation is to cut that thread. The rhubarb compote he serves with heirloom turkey may or may not be an analogue for cranberries, but in general he faithfully carries out his promise to uproot Vespertine’s cooking from tradition and culture. You’re not meant to know what you’re eating, which may be why the servers’ monkish murmurs cover just a fraction of what they are depositing in front of you.
This would be all right if the flavors made as strong an impression as the shapes they’d taken. But I remember the way my meal looked much more vividly than how it tasted. Mr. Kahn is letting his gifts as a sculptor and colorist, which are real, get the upper hand.
For the first two hours or so, Vespertine had me going. The music, by the Texas ambient outfit This Will Destroy You, made me slow down and listen for small shifts and surprise harmonies. (Five recordings of violas, guitars, synthesizers, xylophones and music boxes, among other instruments, play in different parts of the restaurant, composed in relative keys so they mesh together when you hear more than one at a time.) I appreciated the way the murmuring monks, instead of telling me how “Chef” wanted the food to enter my body, left me to puzzle it out on my own. And up to a point, I enjoyed solving those puzzles.
Before dinner ended, though, I’d had enough. If I hadn’t been guilted into paying $30 in advance for after-dinner drinks in the garden by an unsubtle poke from the ticketing website (“We ask that all guests participate”), I would have called for the car.
Kayden Roberts
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Nolan Price
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Nicholas Miller
decadent, postmodern trash
also put a hat on or hair net.
Jayden Wright
Why, why, why do these douches all have unkempt hair, they always lean over the "food", always dropping skin cells into the food. Guess it adds to the "flavor". Disgusting. I hate prix fixe tasting menus and the "chefs" who produce them. People pay for this dreck.
Christian Diaz
>people actually pay for this pretentious artsy bullshit Probably tastes subpar as fuck, if there is even a taste left after being fondled by a greasy homosexual.
Leo Morales
>imposter peas
Michael Powell
>Probably tastes subpar as fuck You have to have a higher than average IQ to understand it.
Adam Moore
>Vespertine is dedicated to “exploring a dimension of cuisine that is neither rooted in tradition nor culture,” >“It is a spirit that exists between worlds.” >“a machine artifact from an extraterrestrial planet that was left here like a billion years ago by a species that were moon worshippers.” whad de fug
Cameron Gutierrez
>parents found the imposter peas
Jose Robinson
>he described the building...as “a machine artifact from an extraterrestrial planet that was left here like a billion years ago by a species that were moon worshippers
Aaron Robinson
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Vespertine. The flavour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of postmodern art most of the courses will go over a typical diner’s head. There’s also Chef Kahn’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these dishes, to realise that they’re not just beautiful- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Vespertine truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the flavour in Chef Kahn’s existential signature dish “Macrocystis pyrifera,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Jordan Kahn’s genius wit unfolds itself on their plates. What fools.. how I pity them.
Jacob Wood
That is a terrible pasta.
Jackson Cruz
Still better than anything you'd eat at Vespertine.
Easton Sanchez
>go here >as each course arrives sort the organic matter from the inorganic matter >one goes in one bin one goes in the other >leave >grind organic matter into roughly even pieces >use it as the last meal for the pig I've been raising in my back yard >grind non-organic matter in a similar fashion and combine it with resin to make two plates >lovingly sear a porkchop and make some mashed potatoes and asparagus >enjoy a pleasant evening in with gf >the non-traditional has been used to create the traditional >the designedly anti-practical has been made into the most simple and practical of devices >the childish outright rejection of traditionality has been used to make the most traditional scene imaginable: a man and woman eating dinner together >put a baby in my gf that night
Jayden Clark
What would happen if you ordered that with ketchup?
Camden Flores
He would explode because you cannot bend it.
Luke Morgan
Pfft, it's not like it's Dorsia or anything...
Nathaniel Cox
You could turn this into performance art. I'm not joking, you should do it.
Colton Foster
nigger kelp is fucking plant matter, you could easily grind it up, or powder it, then add thickeners and stabilizers and shape it into whatever you want. that or you dry it in a mold. fuck he basically made a kelp dough and shaped it. wew fucking lad
Ryan Mitchell
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Lincoln Richardson
user, , is correct. You could bridge the conservatives with this kind of performance art.
Caleb Johnson
now that was a clean sucker punch. Have a you.
Luke Edwards
...
Jacob Turner
>To Marian Bull of GQ, he described the building, one of several the architect Eric Owen Moss has designed in this low-rise district of vintage studio lots and start-ups, as “a machine artifact from an extraterrestrial planet that was left here like a billion years ago by a species that were moon worshippers.”
Whoa that sounds pretty cool I-
Oh. Never mind
Brody Gomez
...
Asher Sullivan
He would give you shards of crystallised ketchup
Aiden Lee
Holy shit wear a hair net
Camden Adams
I thought it was served in a dyson blade-less fan from the thumbnail
Ian Powell
>user stop playing with your imposter peas!
Elijah Jenkins
I've actually been there. It was a fun experience, but not dinner. I went and got tacos after.
Wyatt James
look at how smooth and narrow his hands are. Does this look like a man you can trust?
Andrew Murphy
how often are these goofy ass restaurants used for money laundering? $250 a plate sounds like a great way to legitimize your drug/human trafficking profits.
Grayson Barnes
And an even higher IQ to know when you're being fleeced.
Jonathan Davis
Are you gay or something? Who the fuck cares about man hands and how "smooth" they are?
Jackson Flores
This sounds like a passage out of American Psycho.
Jose Myers
Do millennials understand that American Psycho was a satire of things that existed in real life?
Bentley Hill
Yes?
Hence the comparison?
Ian Hernandez
Sometimes. There was a $250 a plate spot in my neighborhood that was owned by an oligarch's wife, for the 5 or 6 years it was open there were maybe 2 or 3 tables filled per night.
If it's actually got customers this becomes increasingly unlikely.
Hudson Martinez
thank Ferrán motherfucking Adría for all what's wrong in modern restaurants Jews? Fuck that. (((Catalonians))) are destroying the art of cooking to line their pockets with idiotbux
Noah Jenkins
i wonder if he washes the body fluids of strangers out of his hair
Jacob Martin
you can look at a mans hands and see what kind of life he has had. Men who have had easy pampered lives shouldn't be trusted as they don't know what it actually means to be a man
if you don't have forehead wrinkles, grey sides in your hair, and early stage arthritis in your hands by 30 you are still just a boy in a grown up body
Lincoln Adams
>deconstructed hotdog >no sear >where's the bun? Or bun analog? 2/10. Apply yourself
John Flores
>Wageslave >Manual laborer >Real Man™
Jacob Hill
I have that, but I'm still on Veeky Forums?!?!?!?!
Xavier Price
nignogs can't see the bun.
Matthew Young
>forehead wrinkles, grey sides in your hair I had that at 24 and I've got the softest, gayest hands you've ever seen. Manual labour isn't the only work that ages you
Cameron Perry
>you can look at a mans hands and see what kind of life he has had.
Ain't that the truth, one of my asian coworkers looks young but if you look at his hands...he's seen some shit in his life.
Luke Russell
So you've got the "stress" part of the package down, but not the "work with your hands" part.
Achievement status: 50%
Aiden Gutierrez
> Gf > Not virgin waifu you paid dowry for as soon as she reached menarche
Kys heathenous sodomite
Aaron Butler
yeah need's a bun infused foam.
Landon Nelson
no it isnt my hands are jacked up as fuck, but its from years of wakeboarding, rockclimbing and weightlifting. i havent worked a day in my life. im 27.
Liam Lewis
Since when did "seen some shit" have to be limited to work?
Luke Ortiz
Gave me a giggle
Josiah Phillips
this looks creative and beautiful and fun! im sure it's not very filling but it's a very well thought out experience and looks like it would be a delightful adventure. :o)
Ayden Murphy
Being obsessed with not being elitist to the point that no art or sophistication is allowd is easily worse than being pretentious
Colton Price
>tfw have forehead wrinkles at 20 >grey hair doesn't happen in my family regardless of stress until we are in our 40s >no arthritis because I'm a computer scientist >soft baby hands because I'm trans and taking estrogen I think my life is really stressful but I'm still too young to fall apart.
Jordan Taylor
While I agree, once "dinner" reaches the point of being a joke and you don't actually get fed off of it, I think it's gone too far.
Parker Sanders
underrated comment
Caleb Evans
It just serves a different purpose.
Justin Collins
>That Pea Is a Spy!
Tyler Robinson
>all the mad flyovers in this thread
Lucas Sanchez
>y-you don’t have be-beaches!!
Jonathan Baker
C-can coasties be mad at this too?
Dominic Perez
No because you have shithole cities surrounded by strip-mall-ridden suburbs connected by interstate wastelands just like every other state but you have high population density and b e a c h e s
Lucas Russell
I'm not sure I follow.
Hunter Baker
t. clint
Josiah Cruz
lmfao
David Green
I’m saying that le flyover meme is dumb because coastal states are pretty much identical but with beaches and are more packed
Leo Watson
so in other words they have a lot more money, aren't isolated from the rest of the world, are wealthier and more cultured.
Easton Ramirez
>Is this America's most pretentious restaurant? No, that's Superdawg.
Juan Rivera
I'd sneak in some A1 or ketchup and shit all over this guy's parade
James Turner
here you big baby
Connor Hall
>Anybody inclined to paint the restaurant as a steaming pile of pretentious nonsense will find that Jordan Kahn, Vespertine’s chef and overall impresario, is standing there with an open paint bucket and a brush. Vespertine is dedicated to “exploring a dimension of cuisine that is neither rooted in tradition nor culture,” a press release read. “It is a spirit that exists between worlds.” To Marian Bull of GQ, he described the building, one of several the architect Eric Owen Moss has designed in this low-rise district of vintage studio lots and start-ups, as “a machine artifact from an extraterrestrial planet that was left here like a billion years ago by a species that were moon worshippers.”
Translation: "This restaurant isn't for you, Nigger."
Ayden Ward
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Samuel Williams
This, their boxes are cringeworthy.
Jaxon Cox
>"This restaurant isn't for you, Nigger."
Who else gets the felling that all this pretentious bullshit is just a front as a "no niggers allowed" sign?
Leo Miller
>if you don't have forehead wrinkles, grey sides in your hair, and early stage arthritis in your hands by 30 you are still just a boy in a grown up body
Angel Walker
>This Will Destroy You >ambient youtu.be/2fV9mXWMDqs?t=181, exactly what I want playing as I pick kelp out of a hoop also how has no one made bjork-based jokes yet
Evan Bailey
Scallop course sounds good. Potentially, so does the heirloom turkey. You'd just have to try the other dishes. I can appreciate the fact that he's playing ambient music in the restaurant.
Some fine dining places appeal to the young foodies with disposable income and a penchant for conceptual shit (Alinea, where this guy apparently worked on pastry), some appeal to older rich people who like tradition (Daniel, for example), some do a little of both (The Fat Duck). The culinary world kinda needs all of it and you really cannot knock anything until you personally taste the dishes and experience the atmosphere.
My only advice is that you know a little bit about what you're getting into before you agree to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a meal. Look at the menus, ask how long dinner usually takes, read a little bit about the chef. If you go to a restaurant like this one and agree to pay $250 for the tasting menu without knowing that the guy is gonna serve you shit like kelp in a loop or iced peas, that's kinda on you.
Owen Richardson
Waiting for the day when one of these pretentious gastrofags invents some type of dish that you snort to eat.
Evan Miller
Oh, hell no. That's not ambient. I was picturing something more like this
Blacks tend to self segregate, senpai. They won't got to these types of pretentious restaurants in the first place.
Samuel Sullivan
>like a billion years ago Clearly geology isn't his strongest suit
Ayden James
or, OR, you may just have a masculinity complex, my friend
Alexander James
How autistically mad do you get when you see one of those articles that goes something like ‘real world politics and the thick of it are now indistinguishable’
Jaxon Powell
Why do you have to get fed? Why not think of it as a four hour snack?
Julian Murphy
>he never snorted fun dip in school
Thomas Moore
The earth is 4.5 billion years old.
Adam Ramirez
It would have been subducted and buried by now
Eli Carter
it's 2017 user
Christopher Lewis
Subheader: But I'm not laughing
Dominic Young
Extraterrestrial moon worshipers have superior engineering.
Grayson Cox
no, the one Chef's Table where they 'plate' the dishes directly onto the customers table in some dramatic and contrived fashion