Alright lads, time to post the first sentence of your shitty novel/novella/whatever

He kicked down the door and stepped in pistol first. No words. His eyes searched for anything breathing or bleeding; coughing or crying. Nothing. Bastard got away.

Wow, that's a really impressive first sentence. I really do like your style; it reminds me of a mix between Stephen King and Ernest Cline. Very cool indeed!

Here's my first sentence:
Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.

mama died yesterday or maybe it was tomorrow. i forget. as you know life was like a box of kleenex. you never know if murakami will ever get that nobel prize

>The russet-brown buro bulged against Harry Hall's face, reminding him of an unsavoury incident concerning a wife, a lover and a divorce.
It's a good set-up but the alliteration is a little too distracting, maybe ease up on it.

The "might have been" makes it sounds like another half of the sentence is missing. Either she is riding or would be if something didn't happen.

Admittance to the Audubon Park Zoo is free on Wednesday mornings and so I had gone to see the elephants.

Admittance to my ass is free on wednesday if you know what i mean ;)

He had a lot of time to think about the contents of the box, the rest of his life really.

I get the gist but you can afford to trim the fat. For example if the mustang is already burning then just say "burning mustang" or really illustrate that thing is on fire.

Really good, I think. It's brisk and sets up the situation well, but maybe grazed is too soft a word for handcuffs?

Veeky Forums in one sentence, I dig it.

this is mine, I commented others in these posts

I can't help but find it pretentious, it's very obvious most people ITT try too hard. If that's the first sentence, I don't know how people should enjoy 200+ pages of it. Read the first lines of classic literature, none of them tried to appeal to the reader with something like that.

To be fair the style was much different back then.

But if you really want to take it far, the Iliad opened up with some pretty wild shit.

Post more.

>gospellike
Sounds awkward. Replace it.

The morning was entirely too bleak and there were no shadows, Jacob looked up and down the narrow wet street and there was no one else for blocks and blocks.

americanbookreview.org/100bestlines.asp

More than a few of those are long and stylized.

are you guys really this retarded or are you counter-trolling?

The thing is, so many of those tell something and are actually simple and straightforward. Most of the ones here are trying way too damn hard to seem well written. Needless and banal descriptions, sans meaning, no point.

I smiled. Keep it.

I'm intrigued. What's it about?

>everyone ITT is pretentious
>responds by comparing self to Homer

The claim was "classic introductions were simple and unadorned", basic research will tell you that's false.

Now, anons concerns may be that some of these intros may be too "arty" without the substance to back it up, and I can see that, but just flailing around calling everything pretentious isn't really saying anything.

Nevermind he neglected to post anything himself.

I have trouble with my memories now. My thoughts seem to mix together like the cloudy swirls of milk and coffee in a mug, the dates and faces fading into smudgy impressions. But the sensations of that summer are burnt into my mind forever. The sound of a particular song, the smell of salt in the morning air, or the way she ran a rounded nail edge down my back. I close my eyes and suddenly I am there again.

Must just be you. I thought the alliteration there worked well.

I use alliteration a lot myself...

>Wow, that's a really impressive first sentence. I really do like your style; it reminds me of a mix between Stephen King and Ernest Cline. Very cool indeed!
kek t. OP

Does this sentence "flow"?

>"Colin realized, with a sort of laugh, that every joke he had recently heard had been told by himself, to himself, and at his own expense."

Any feedback welcome!

Alliteration is like salt, you need only a pinch.

>Everything's fucked.

Because over-descriptive, dragging opening sentences don't automatically contribute to any high quality.

Neither does short sentences (two very good authors had this same argument), but yours is ok.

Thanks. It kind of helps to set the tone, sometimes brevity is the best thing to use. The short story then goes on to explain how and why everything is fucked, and goes from there. No need to go all "it was an icy night full of ice-cold howling winds. Our hero, locked into an icy glaze towards himself, the cubes slowly melting in the whiskey on the rocks" about it.

>Waking up to a BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP is never a good thing. It's never "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP, we just bought a golden retriever!" or "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP, mom made pancakes!"

>with a sort of laugh

sticks out like a herpes sore.

I wake up and BRRRAAAAAAAP every morning.

The woman was dead and my penis was responsible

>"Poo poo pee pee penis time!"

WIP

Well, fuck if I know.

A parade came down onto the seaside village during the piercing rain

Camus
>Mother died today.
Anons ITT
>The thought of my mother passing away made me sad, then angry and then apathetic after I came to the realization that humans are just like another star in the ever-expanding universe: a fleeting beauty

Kafka
>As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.
Anons ITT
>As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning in his brownish-yellow room, illuminated by the rising sun with fine dust dancing in the air being the only sign of time still passing, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect as if his inner persona manifested itself in this grotesque display.

You see what I'm getting at, my man?

>buro
wtf is that, a donkey?

"As far as IDE's go, it's one of the better ones, and it's free," he said.

I love this. Really simple but you already establish three prominent things. Could be good.

This. Just edit it more and it'll be good.

I like it, it reminds me of 100 Years of Solitude

Start with "On a bleak morning without shadows, Jacob...."

Yes. It's a donkey.

>Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God
r/writing is fucking cancerous

Thank God that only a parody of the other line was posted.

The creature's senses attuned it to the crushing pressure within the deep ocean, even within it's prison where nothing else but the abyss was visible.

thanks, is that spanish?!

He went rolling on up the iceways black on them boreale paths, coldways.

They rose like drunks.

Feels clunky. I'd cut it into two and streamline it more.

only 1 love interest remained, two if you counted Mommy :)

"Slap my ass and call me Sally, if that isn't the best pizza margherita west of China, the moon is made out of cheese!"

I feel it but I dont think its nearly as bad as you're making it out to be, only a few posts here rang out as doing too much.

Burro has two Rs.

The fog was thick at the center of the bridge where the man stood, hesitatingly leaning against the rail.

>hesitatingly
bruh

Retard has two Rs too.

I'm not english native. What is wrong with it ?
Is that just not a word you put in a sentence like this ? It's intended to indicate a man who wants to kill himself but is hesitant to do so.

>I went to Alvan's house today.

Everything begins to appear in place.

If you are hesitating, you are not doing something.

The problem with the usage is that it makes the reader think that he is hesitating in leaning on the rail and that he is actually leaning on the rail. It's incoherent.

i truly loved you and my love has been depleted for all other things

ooh that's good OP

>passive language
>adverbs
>hesitatingly

You're not gonna make it.

The natural sounding way to say that is
>leaning against the rail with hesitation

or better yet, trepidation

Neither in peace nor war, the crowd was breathing, dancing, trembling in anticipation.

or better yet, an erection

>I'm not english native
Then don't write in english

Either ease up on it or set it up a few notches. It's the inconsistency that's bothering you.

I'm working on a little something, making slow progress.
>riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

lemme kno what u think

How has no one noticed this is from Camus

>My name--call me by it, if you will--is one from an old book, what some might call, the oldest book, as I am half-brother to Isaac

You're thinking of "hesitantly." Don't use that, either.

Sweat stuck strands of curly hair together high on Klaus' forehead as he swung his axe down once, splitting the stubby log roughly in half before he put another one on the stump.

Wardine be cry

The foot moves in a vertical swing, the tip rested on the wooden floor, leaving the heel in the air and forming a sort of angle of 43 degrees, because a 45 one would be too common, vulgar.

This fucking sucks, dude

My face was broken, but the party raged on.

A robin flew through an open window of the cottage and perched on the table.

There were many moments where I felt it best to leave the situation to itself, totally remove myself of all responsibility and allow my doubt to be washed away by life’s natural flowing current

Strange that the cockroach is no less despisable in death, flicking its misshapen limbs in unheard agony.

“What will you see when you're dead?”

I know what they say about starting a novel with a line of dialogue. But I get the benefit of it for using first person point of view.

lol what do they say? it's a valid technique like any other

Like an obedient dog, the sea returned the stick. She threw it one more time and continued to walk.
(It isn't exactly like that, I can't write properly in english, but the idea is there)

> John Barom Deckard doesn't exist ; at least, not in the traditional sense.

She laughed as she took off her gloves and knelt down, what teacher told was right, it was indeed hard to pick up teeth with broken hands.

They say it's "outdated."

pfff, whatever