Good? Bad?

OP, I hope some of these critiques and any following critiques do not rock your confidence. Does your writing appear as the first draft of a first-time sci-fi writers first novel? Yes. Would anyone be impressed enough to continue through the book? Not this crowd, nor anyone familiar with the genre. Does your writing have interesting bits and pieces, or potential to be great? Yes.
Your flaws do not necessarily seem to be in your approach to writing. It is atleast baseline for what an inexperienced sci-fi crowd might purchase. If that's your target audience then keep up the good work. However, if you do want your work to hold the gravitas worthy of continued readership then I would recommend some changes.

First, I would remove your first sentence. The audience doesn't need to be told (and doesn't like to be told) How tense they should feel. If you want your audience to feel tense then write what is making your character tense, or what is happening that is so frightening. Of course the most effective way to do that is to focus on the small details, not the skyscrapers burning, but the smoke in your lungs, and the toxic metals twisting through the air; the closed door of every refuge, or the burning nursery. Likely you would engage the reader's logical brain, giving them concrete details, or their emotional sense by abstracting something deeply personal and vulnerable to you, into the greater scheme of this apocalyptic scene.
Furthermore, do not preface your passages with what they are about.
>In front of us, a metropolis slowly burns
If you preface things then your audience will feel the following paragraph is a waste of time.
>Gauss rifle, space-fighters
This sci-fi jargon is poison to anyone. It's a shortcut to establishing a sci-fi environment, and it's lazy. Just say rifle, and when its fired explain whats so gauss about it.

That's really good advice. I'm only experienced in present-day writing where, for the most part, the background is easily explained and I can simply focus on the characters themselves. Writing such a foreign environment is very new to me.

Appreciate the advice!

nah, ignore that guy saying not to write "gauss rifle". gauss rifle is succint and already in the canon of things so people will read that and know what you mean instead of you dedicating ANY amount of time to actually writing what a gauss rifle does (needless information)

no one writes the perfect first sentence but you should save that one you have there so you can look back on it just to see how much you've improved. in-media-res is good, but start with action. "call me ishmael" has already been taken.

your prose is primarily descriptive which clashes with the action implied by the first line. do we need to know what the rifle is adorned with if our characters are running?

think about the scene you're wishing to express and why, and the prose needs to follow that in all ways, especially thematically.

>imo give up
Retard

This is nowhere even near the genius of Nigger-writer

cliché use of language (see: ) and generally seeming to try and write literature, instead of just writing. i guess the word is contrived, even though it's a tired one.

Is lifeless orange really cliche, though? The color and adjective itself seems good, he just needs to reword it.

Yeah you're right I reflected and realized lifeless orange was actually fine, and you're right - needed rewording.

Why would you ever post a first draft for critique, that's the one you don't share with anybody. Edit it on your own and then post at least your second half in a critique thread like said.

This is my first time writing sci-fi/fantasy/whatever, so I don't really know where to go. I probably could improve it but I'd just get the same advice minus wording.

Cringe-inducing opening sentence

I agree. Kill it with fire.

I also hate this trend of in media res, as if in a movie. To immerse a reader rather than a viewer you need to be in the narrator's head more. This reads more like omni even though it is in first person.

Short sentences are always more effective. Especially in scenes like this. You want to be brutal and concise, focus on the poetic descriptions for when the characters are noticing or feeling stuff.

Just calm the fuck down with everything here. Like, 30% less as a whole. I'm not a minimalist or anything but this is really too much.
Edgy, tropey, overwrought.
I get you're trying to make this introduction exciting, but you can do much more with much less. Make the language do the work.

stay mad?

Yeah, decided to scrap this idea and try something new.

You need to be retaught how to structure your paragraphs. It doesn't make your sentence more poigniant just because you gave it its own paragraph, especially if it isn't interesting to hold up the paragraph on its own.
Use paragraphs as cohesive strings of thoughts, not fancier page layout

Same user as This is much better. I'm glad you were motivated enough to put out some more material.

As an outsider with a perspective different from your own, let me tell you why this is better:
1. Your intro paragraph sets a theme that you strive towards. Establishing a theme, and examining that theme is the essence of good writing.
2.It doesn't feel cliche.
3. It captures more emotion. (and even better- relatable emotion)
Now, since this is a critique thread I'm assuming you would appreciate a critique of this piece as well.
First of all, you're using another prefacing sentence
>But our time ran out..
Remove that sentence. I'm sure you can see that omitting that sentence makes the following paragraph more blunt and palpable.
Secondly, Open up your sentences.
> Money ran short but we didn't care
and
>We needed nothing more than each other- to sit hand-in-hand.
These are lazy. Do away with lazy, take your writing in stride. Say 'I loved hearing her laugh, the hoarseness of it, the boisterous rumble rolling over into a hum. It was that laugh alone keeping me motivated during periods of poverty. Those times when the heating bill ran too high, and our savings ran too low, and the only way to survive the coldness of those interstellar Saturn nights was to keep each other warm. From the window beside our bed, we'd watch the spinning of the world below.

Her funeral was nothing more than a scattering of dust...

Agree 100% with this user.
Much better second attempt.

Reads like a compilation of bad, contrived literary tropes. Also sounds like the writer is trying to sound high brow but lacks the skill to do so.