The cat woke to find a butterfly on its nose. “O mighty feline” she said to the cat, “teach me the ways of being so confident in a world as weary as our own.” The cat had been recognized, and to his amazement, by the most beautiful butterfly in the world. “I can teach you everything, but please never leave.” The butterfly began to flutter its wings and said, “all knowing puma, do you not see the fluorescent design, the pink and blue like morning dew, the outline of mauve and lipid green like sea weed, these are my wings. They are made to flutter about.” The feline rose on all fours; never had he seen such beautiful movements, never in all his nine lives. “O winged dream, fly where you please but not too far from my heart, for your charm unlocks all the doors to my secret knowings.” The butterfly, landing on his paw, changed her tone and yelled “Do you think me a fool? I have seen what paws like these do to my sisters. Are you not a lion? Do you not wish to jail me behind your fangs and extinguish my flame?“ The cat began to shed tears, “O butterfly, if you could only know and believe, these paws hunger not for beautiful things, but this heart of mine, these eyes, they prepare only for your coming.” The butterfly began in and out of rooms, over and around the cats head, under and behind his bed, screaming “O predator of predators! I have come only to know, and instead I am shown the extent of your games, the power of your knowing to confuse me, to trick me, you hurt me and you have yet to even touch me. I leave as I came, with nothing.” And the butterfly fluttered out another window from which it came. The cat stared off in the place she had disappeared, purring to himself “O angel of the flower beds, your home must not be far from this here window. Come through again, so that I may show you all thats been unsaid, and prove what has.”
>how’s my prose
Jacob Butler
gay and affected
Charles Walker
>2017 >using gay as an insult
U need to grow up and give me a proper critique young man
Jace Martin
...
Zachary Thompson
Sorry. Faggoty and affected.
Charles Long
> sorry I don’t think ur really sorry. But if you are I don’t get it cuz you still just left a two word critique and the only thing you changed way gay to “faggotry”, which means the same thing. I’m confused by you user.
Easton Anderson
sux2bu
Jose Rodriguez
Faggot =/= Gay But a lot of gay people are faggots
Charles Wilson
Does that say sucks to be you? Or does it say something else? If it’s the former, why do you say that? If the latter, what?
Wyatt Robinson
Ok but... Faggot means male homosexual. Or a bundle of twigs. If he’s not calling me a male homosexual, then what does a bundle of twigs have to do with it? This is getting difficult
Sebastian Parker
>how prose
Not good enough for its own thread. Post in the critique thread.
Kayden Phillips
Your writing seems like its a lesser attempt at Kipling but not as modern as Adams.
The imagery and effect is stunted and repetitive by your forcing it of a tone that doesn't work here. I'm not a fan of modernising language either but phrases like "O winged dream" and "O predator of predators" are clunky here. Sounds unnatural. Maybe you're writing a piece set in a time when writing of that ilk is relevant, I dont know.
>tl;dr Try less with the imagery and you may actually say more
James Moore
Go back.
Ryan Butler
Fuck u
Matthew Russell
This is a perfect example of why I never try to write. Too many classics do this to you.
Josiah Nguyen
Hey, right something cringy for this pic related
Lucas Edwards
I actually like the way "wing-ed dream" sounds, but I agree, OP is a faggot.
Dominic Ward
I stay in my room with a closed window buttressed against an easel, and with my brush I sweep away unknowing and nothingness with the color and life of my imaginings. Today is the vision of a sci-if future of earth, or past, or present in some distant planet away from the world outside. I inhabit my own, my own monsters, my own hell, flying sideways with broom wooden fingers against a canvas to reflect the chapter of my own secret reading; spaceships and deformed massive giant... I don’t know. What is this?
Owen Bennett
I hate all of you
Jeremiah Torres
write a cringy thing for this picture!
Jeremiah Bennett
I am here to hurt you. I am here to sustain the volume of pain akin to gods suffering, earths destruction, spontaneous self combustion and annihilation. I am the revenge of your ignorance. I am all that you ignored, I am all, I am you. You have ignored, you have put them, others, they, all of that, none of all first. For this there is no repentance, for this there is no cure, I am the disease of your own making. I am here to bring the pain. I am pain. Here I come again.
Carson Gomez
If you can't take criticism, get fucked and quit writing.
Hey nothing wrong with the classics. It depends if youre a raging faggot like OP. Their attempts stink of first time writing.
Jordan Fisher
Man you’re so right Wow I’m impressed by you
Landon Reyes
I thought it was ok
Leo Evans
Youre welcome.
Elijah Young
A bit overwritten. The opening is strong, but the piece starts to drag because figurative language is overused and most of the sentences have similar structure. Vary your sentence length and incorporate more, different types of syntax. Also, cool it with the "O"s, the rhetorical questions, and the old-time-y rhetoric.
That said, I enjoyed the story. Better than the average post.
Jayden Johnson
just use your own voice dude
Oliver Cruz
Bugs...I'm concerned about your eating habits please change your ways.
Angel Clark
I'm usually the first to call things shit here but this was actually good. Have faith in yourself OP you got it in you
Shut up retard
Ayden Allen
animals can't talk, idiot
David Murphy
FUCK How come no one else picked up on that
Gavin Perez
It's literally fabulous
William Nguyen
Started off alright but the second half got kinda boring and dumb
Colton Bell
I like it
Josiah Foster
...
Colton Brown
Yeah this is actually good criticism.
Kevin Nelson
In all seriousness, this was really fantastic and before I saw that last line, I thought it was a quote from somewhere else. I would buy and read a book full of stories about this length and in this style. Good for you, OP.