Haven't read it but it sounds fucking dope man, good job

haven't read it but it sounds fucking dope man, good job

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It's good, quite raw--definitely the first crack at a whole novel.
You are below the age of 25, aren't you?

I'm 18 why?

I haven't edited it yet so there's words like spatting that was both spitting and spat and then the a and -ing both got there. Guess line editing is for such things but yea sorry for the inconvenience.

voluptuously not voluptiously

As I said before, the writing is good, but raw.
It means that it clearly shows that the work is made by someone with little experience and the work itself has not gone through much of an editing process.
Just an observation. Not meant to grind you down.

thanks

>pastebin.com/Mh3TQvHs
>Bonnie said, looking at her newspaper: "Kinda looks like him.
Might be better as
>Bonnie looked at her newspaper, "Kinda looks like him.
Try and cut out 'he said, she said' whenever you possibly can.

>Bonnie touched her neck, unconsciously like people do when they think, and then she said: "$70 is a lot money to us.
and then she said is also unneeded here.

>"Sure! why not!" he said approvingly.
>"Sure! why not!" he said with approval.

You also use a lot of exclamation points in dialogue and swear a lot during your narration. It could be toned down a bit.

I get the feeling this is a coming of age story. the writing level looks as though it's targeted audience is for pre-teens (once again, not a bad thing).
Would you mind telling me what the story is about? Also your process on why you are making this particular story.

you are way too repetitive. i could only make it through the first paragraph. it should be about half as long.

yea it seems to have coming of age elements. it's about what you want it to be about. i'd rather not share the plot b/c it might still change. and i'm writing it because i started writing it i guess.
sorry i wanted the prose to be easy to understand. when i write i pretend i'm listening to an audiobook, good audiobooks allow the listener to hear things one more time

You're 18? You write better than most 18-year-olds, and I would know, I get paid to teach them. Keep it going boss.

> it's about what you want it to be about.
You will have to enlighten me on what you mean by this. It sounds like you aren't sure what it will be about and don't know what the theme is.

>and i'm writing it because i started writing it i guess
Of course, that is most certainly the 'how' you started writing, but why did you start? Did the urge just pop in one day? Do you enjoy the process of writing?

> i'd rather not share the plot b/c it might still change.
Humour me.

saying the same thing 15 times doesn't make it easy to understand. it makes it seem like you think you audience is retarded and needs everything drilled into them.

idk lol
k. i'll got to remember that thx

Will they read it if it's as good as Terminator 2?

>"Lake Okabena as seen from their kitchen window was currently pure white because of the bright morning sun."

Stopped there. "Currently" should never show up in your narrative voice. Avoid "then this happened," too. When you describe something to a reader, it plays out in their mind in sequence you tell them anyway. Imposing sequence with asinine filler words is annoying.

Keep writing.

k. i thought since it's morning and light changes quickly in the morning currently emphasized that it was right now like that and not ten minutes ago or twenty minutes ago. but i can delete everything useless when line editing. i think the text is just a vehicle for telling the story and everything else is trying to sound like a writer. not that the story is ready in my mind.

lrn2active voice

thx. i'll look it up