Which books written in a serious, empathetic, frank manner will help me not want to kill myself?
I have never felt as exhausted with life and despondent about the future as I do at this moment. My life is a complete mess, and I'm too old for that to seem endearing or for there to be any significant potential of "turning things around." My ambitions are shot. My enthusiasm is flagging. The stoicism I have long relied on has been corrupted by feelings of immense guilt, self-loathing and a feeling that death at this point is the only way of escaping the life I've created - or failed to create - for myself. I'm reading The Book of Disquiet again and am reminded that even Fernando Pessoa, the great failure artist, had marketable skills, had no apparently huge stains on his conscience, and lived an overall contented life. The books I have most related to recently have been written by people who committed suicide shortly after or were close to death when they wrote them. None of these books attempt to sell the reader a life-affirming ideology which is probably why I appreciate them more than the books which explore depression etc but conclude that love, or self-sacrifice etc ultimately make life worthwhile. I am a broken manchild. And while two years ago I'd have considered this state of living to be rather romantic, poetic and so on I realize now that the kind of fetid emotions and thoughts such a position encourages have made me simply an unpleasant person whose only redeeming qualities are those more appropriate to a twelve-year-old child. I have felt similar to the way I do now since I was very young, and though I've succeeded academically and currently have a decent-paying job, the superficial appearance of relative success is misleading and no way corresponds to my internal state. Simply put I am too weak for life. Again, I have felt this way for a long time. There is something "off" about me and my perception. Even in the summer of 2015 I spent my nights on suicide chatrooms and googling variations of "too weak for life" in an attempt to find people similar to myself who overcame their weakness, but even so I failed to find anybody who did not simply resort to a casually hedonistic outlook as a form of escape. Wherever I look people are either happy, healthy, contented, or, struggling and depressed but loyal to a powerful life-affirming ideology or pursuing a lucid ambition. I am without anything. I simply exist from day to day. The only things which compensate for the misery are food and the internet at this point, and I often simply starve myself to prove to myself that the former doesn't have an addictive hold on my Will.
1. Increased stoicisim to the point of emotional numbness
2. Radical humility to the point of expecting no pleasure or fulfilment from life
3. A conscious reduction of self-consciousness via "low-brow" distraction, investment in mainstream forms of ideological fulfilment (e.g. supporting a local sports team, patriotism, volunteering, helping the local community) and avoidance of any form of media that may inspire melancholy introspection
4. Giving all my money away and living as blamelessly as possible in a remote region working some low-skill job to make bare minimum
Sorry for the lengthy post and seemingly off-topic thread, but I would like to see if some books are posted which I have not read.
John Harris
Is it possible for you to go somewhere else, leave the environment you're in? You're a good writer, I've read your posts on this board before OP, you should focus on writing a novel or something, maybe that will distract you and give you a purpose to live for.
Evan Taylor
Seems like you've already tried 1 and 2, you probably won't get anything out of 3 since it won't work if you consciously decide to do it Try 4 if it's possible, or try becoming an artist without hopes for success but just to create beauty, possibly a writer? Although don't try too hard to be published or else you'll fall into the same hole as the writers on this board
Parker Evans
unironically, delve into Heidegger He was a man who was very serious about this whole existence thing
Carson Mitchell
The only way I have of leaving my environment is to go camp in the woods, which is actually what I was planning to do in January when I leave my job. I don't believe someone like me should be writing novels and influencing other people. I'm not a Veeky Forums regular sorry, but thank you.
I read Pessoa's book after seeing it recommended here. I've read it a couple of times since it blew me away the first time, but even he had a social life, a decent job, lived in a nice city, and made something of a name for himself in Portugal's literary scene at the time. Even writing my name down on paper now fills me with disgust, and whenever I look in the mirror I usually cover my face with my hand.
Christopher Powell
see a professional
Ayden Edwards
>My life is a complete mess, and I'm too old for that to seem endearing or for there to be any significant potential of "turning things around." My ambitions are shot. My enthusiasm is flagging. The stoicism I have long relied on has been corrupted by feelings of immense guilt, self-loathing and a feeling that death at this point is the only way of escaping the life I've created - or failed to create - for myself. >I am a broken manchild. >Simply put I am too weak for life. Again, I have felt this way for a long time. There is something "off" about me and my perception.
Nolan Hill
None. There are things in the world which will help make life bearable, things you have to walk and grasp and plead for, but there's no book that will make life worth living.
I've been in your position and I can honestly say that there is no arrangement of words that will help you in the way you want. You have to go out into the world, as trash as it might be. Do some dumb job, meet a girl, ask someone about themselves earnestly, all this cliché stuff. The farther apart the walls of your life are, the more your suicidal thoughts will sound like an echo, real but far away.
I also feel like you will never have enough time and energy to start any sort of intellectual project that will eventually make you feel better or will make you less "weak". There's no space for that. Reflection will not help you either. You have become a subject in the Kierkegardiaan etc. sense; you've reflected on yourself, over and over. So much so that maybe reflection has become your only mode of thinking. Now it's time to act.
Jose Cox
I've already seen it. A great movie which makes me nostalgic for my childhood.
Levi Allen
>The farther apart the walls of your life are, the more your suicidal thoughts will sound like an echo,
That's a nice sentence.
Ryan Parker
user, first thing to realize is that you are not alone. That is a common situation in today's world. You may think people are happy and content, but if you really think about it, they could be thinking that of you too. Some other guy is thinking "damn, he has a decent paying job and is successful academically, I don't even have that". I'm not saying this in the sense of "you should be glad with what you have", but rather for you to understand it's not necessarily a fault in your character or in the way you make decisions that lead you to thinking that way. Seeing everyone's happy facade on social media all the time is making everyone fake themselves more than ever and it intensifies our feeling.
Another thing to realize is something which is almost the opposite message of what I just said: that your way of suffering is unique to yourself. While we are all in this together, at the same time, each person deals with it in a particular way and each of us have their own routes on how to make this change or continue as it is. This means for you to beware pre-made solutions, whether it comes from self-help books, anons on Veeky Forums or philosophical books of any kind. The problems are similar, but the solutions are always somehow unique.
Go see a psychoanalyst, if you don't go already. Someone who can listen to you and only that, without resorting to cheap advice, but making you rethink the questions that puzzle you when it comes to your own life. The job of the analyst is not to explain how you are and what you ought to do, as a lot of people seem to think. Analysis helps you precisely on understanding what is unique of your situation and what is common, it helps you figure out by yourself what you want of this life and deal with the uncertainties that we all have to face in one way or the other.
Perhaps it is not so much that you need someone to tell you what to do or to point you the way to where the valuable things are. In fact, perhaps that's part of the problem. It is this crazy world in which everyone is telling each other that which makes us lose this connection with ourselves and what we value and desire. Don't think that you are lacking them. The frustration and dissapointment that I can see in your post has its other side, it shows you have expectations that are not met, desires that are not worked out, an implied obligation to enjoy life that makes this generation so depressed.
I like that you don't go for the life-affirming books that tell you what makes things worthwhile. I think you ought to discover what that is for yourself and by yourself. And ironically, you can't do it alone, because we are truly never alone and when we don't talk to people about it, our fantasies grow and grow and we need someone to cut our bullshit so we can see what's left. Books don't do that.
You'll always be there for yourself. Your desire and suffering is legitimate and not a fault. Work them out, user.
Jeremiah Fisher
do you think so? I hope its not only nice but true
Daniel Price
Just start lifting brah
Isaiah Fisher
Oh, I must have confused you with another person on this board who writes in a very similar style. Anuway, yes, camping in the woods sounds like a good idea. You say that you use the internet a lot, try taking a break from all electronic media for a while.
Carson Nguyen
this too, it's really, really good
Christian Turner
read raymond carver
Julian Taylor
Get some Knut Hamsun in your life. Hunger is a fantastic illustration f how you can bash yourself against the constraints of your society and fail every time, or leave it behind and create a different if uncertain existence in a new place. His short stories capture the beauty in a more vagrant life, taking away the comforts you're used to for realizing their values. If you're still under 30 I'd night reccomend trying backpacking, get the hell out of wherever you are and work in a place far from home. It's what I did instead of killing myself, and six months in things are still pretty great.
Jayden Watson
Have you considered taking the Knight pill?
Asher Smith
Fucking this. 6 months ago I was looking at a rope in my closet, now I’m not fat anymore and wake up happy.
Jayden Phillips
He's already considering low-brow distractions.
Nathaniel Wilson
Miguel de Unamuno's "the Tragic sense of Life" David Cayley's "the rivers north of the future: the testament of Ivan illich"
Carter Harris
I can't even read anymore. The only reason I sort of belong here is because I took reading more seriously than the average as a child and in highschool. Picked up the Iliad recently and even though I could tell part of me was engaged in the story I'm too much of a mess to focus so I dropped it.
Justin Jones
Has anyone read the Power of Now? Was wondering if it is worth a read.
Kevin Campbell
My aunt is very fond of Tolle's work but it saddens me somewhat as she also believes in karma, reincarnation, angels on earth and so on, which I believe is in part a reaction to her losing her husband to cancer and living for over two decades by herself now without any family members close by. I won't comment on the book, but I do feel that people like Tolle do tend to attract very emotionally damaged and gullible people. My aunt forwarded me a newsletter by some British Tolle-esque guy and it made me so angry because it included several product pitches or high-fee seminar invites and then a lengthy narcissistic post about how the guy thinks the universe is looking out for him because of some minor coincidence in his life in recent weeks. I trust my instincts with these folks and this British guy was a charlatan for sure. I hate to see people taken advantage of like that, but when you have a historically large demographic of retirees with a considerable amount of wealth to spend you're going to get people who sell them platitudes.
Julian Flores
Maybe I need to do a bit of research on Tolle then, I thought he was just a watered down buddhist.
Justin Young
>though I've succeeded academically and currently have a decent-paying job
I stopped reading here. For a second I thought I could empathize with you. Surely you realize that this fact alone, that you have a decently paying job is enough for you to go on and make something of yourself.. This melodramatic tripe means absolutely nothing. I work two jobs I fucking hate for minimum wage, I do not have a degree, I do not have a car, and I sleep on the floor of my mother's apartment. I live in an affluent area and am nowhere near close to being independent, while my peers are already paying mortgages for fuck's sake. If you have the money, you can make yourself a better life. Get fucking real.
This is all just grand-standing bullshit. Spare us.
Bentley Smith
Tolstoy's ouvre
Nathaniel Evans
>I live in an affluent area
I stopped reading here. For a second I thought I could empathize with you. Surely you realize that this fact alone, that you live in an affluent area is enough for you to go on and make something of yourself.. This melodramatic tripe means absolutely nothing. I have no job. I have no degree, I do not have a car, and I sleep on a bare mattress on the floor of a council house. I live in a run-down area and am nowhere close to being independent, while my peers are already working steady jobs for fuck's sake. If you have your foot on the career ladder, you can make yourself a better life. Get fucking real.
Colton Scott
1. Read Don Quixote 2. Become a knight errant
Owen Howard
Fuck you too laddie.
Ethan Morris
Which area and please post more about your situation please.
Landon Robinson
It's diluted Buddhism and German Phenomenology that doesn't offer much in the way of practical advice. I think you would be better of reading an intro book to Mindfulness/Buddhism.
Luis Perez
I understand you perfectly. Yesterday i was getting drunk with my brother, and basically he said everything he thought about me (we dont talk in day to day life) - how much i am worthless loser, i spend whole life in front of monitor and i isolate myself from family, and when he was my age he had friends, and girls and all this i never had. There is much truth to this, i am 22 years old virgin loser, but i still think they want to blame me for thing i have no control over (like - no idea how should i talk with my second brother, his life is so sad i want to rather escape and cut any contact, or how i make my mother cry, because i dont pray or go to church - i just cannot do those things anymore). I dont want to move out or/and change my life in any way, but living with people who hates me and are constatly trying to get me into depressive guilt they are experiencing is very incomfortable
Cooper Johnson
Which country do you live in?
Jackson Reyes
Thank you, do you have any recs for one?
I'm going to research anyway but worth asking.
Liam Hill
poland
Angel Roberts
The Silmarillion
Blake Myers
At least you don't have muhammad and jamal to deal
Christian Clark
...
Luke Edwards
Unironically this.
Luis Richardson
MDMA
Chase Lewis
lol no, it's babby's first existential crisis tier
I've lost a bunch of weight already but I look flabby as shit now. How do I into lifting? Which /fitlit/ is essential?
Austin Johnson
>fetishising Poland
You should go there sometime
Nathan Nguyen
Just go to church every once and a while, it will make your mother feel better. Talk to your second brother, even if its hard, just talk to him about anything. Really not that hard to make those around you a little happier, and in the process maybe you will be happier.
Grayson Collins
Imagine this. When you die, you'll be nothing for eternity. Eternal nothingness awaits everyone; why hasten it?
Carter Martin
Imagine THIS. When you die, you’ll go to heaven if you’ve been good.
Unless you kill yourself, then you go to hell
Christian Butler
just put the weight back on, babby
Thomas Ward
Same boat op. You're drawn to depression as an aesthetic. You revere writers and artists that articulate pain and suffering in a way that you yourself can't put into words, but feel in the pit of your gut every single day. It's a feed back loop. Get a new hobby.
Grayson Green
I was with you until you mentioned succeeding academically and having a job. Be thankful for what you have I guess. Grass is greener and so on.
