Care to critique my poem? It's my first one. My english teacher says it's good enough for our school's literary journal. I was influenced by Robert Frost and Edgar Allan Poe (he wrote poems too you know, not just stories) while writing this. Be gentle. Thanks.
I thought I was smart, I thought I was right I thought it better not to fight, I thought there was a Virtue in always being cool, so when it came time to Fight I thought I'll just step aside and that the time would Prove you wrong and that you would be the fool
I don't know where the sun beams end and the star Lights begins it's all a mystery
Oh to fight is to defend if it's not Now than tell me when would be the time that you would stand up And be a man, for to lose I could accept but to surrender I just wept and regretted this moment, oh that I, I Was the fool
I don't know where the sun beams end and the star Lights begins it's all a mystery And I don't know how a man decides what right for his Own life, it's all a mystery
Enjambment isn't used well, voice is awkward Voice and subject matter are boring in general, kind of flat and one-dimensional
Landon Murphy
Where to even begin with this shit?
Jace Harris
Also, Veeky Forums is going to bully you. Delete this while you can if you only wanted constructive criticism.
Landon Harris
Oh. I don't know what enjambment is. I'll look it up. I could see how you could find it boring. I was just trying to portray the narrator's inner and outer conflict fighting for his attention. Thanks for reading.
Isaiah Perry
Yeah I regret it. I felt really sad after reading the first message. I don't know how to delete.
Aaron Garcia
I didn't want to upset you user, I'm sorry. I hope you didn't take that as bullying. This is decent for someone's first poem I think- if you're in high school you shouldn't feel sad. I only pointed out the flaws.
Jack Wilson
No you definitely were not being a bully. I appreciate you bothering to read. I just felt the kind of sadness when you realize your internal ideas can't manifest. Like I thought I had done a decent poem but failed. I'm 27- it will be published by my community college loterary joirnal. Unless I retract it first.
Logan Hall
This is your first poem, due to that I don't think this is a decent representation of the potential of your ability. You need to keep reading and keep writing. Again this isn't necessarily *bad* I've read a lot worse on DIY poetry websites. This is all to be expected with first poems.
Jaxon Hill
I meant it's my first official one. As in this is the first time I've shown anyone. I've been writing since I was 12. I just don't feel good right now. I can't think about improvement. You always feel like if you love to do something that you're meant to do it. But sometimes you aren't. I'll be ok. It's just a shock. When I calm down I'll seek refuge in my favorite poem: "Out, Out-" by Frost.
Caleb Powell
representation of your ability*
I wanted to add that I hope you don't retract your submission because of what you're reading here. Getting published is an accomplishment, one you can mention in the future if you decide to submit more of your writing to other magazines. It's also a ginormous gold star on your resume in the eyes of any universities you'd apply to.
Jacob Cook
user, I'm only a 21 year old economics major. I have little education in literature apart from some books I've read, for all we know I could have no idea what I'm talking about. Please don't feel this way, I'm so sorry user :(
Isaiah James
It's okay, friend. I appreciate it and after I read your words I saw what you meant. I'm sure I can improve someday. I didn't mean to be so down. I would rather face reality than contiue telling myself hopeful little stories. It hurts more but that way I can maybe find a new story to tell myself. A truer one. The new light of day can be painful to the eyes at first, but the eyes have a way of adjusting.
Jayden Sanders
Are you in Veeky Forums's Discord channel by any chance?
Jackson Turner
>Veeky Forums's discord can I have link?
Gabriel Cox
>I don't know where the sun beams end and the star OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO >Lights begins it's all a mystery AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Andrew Ross
I don't know what that is.
Jacob Carter
I don't see how it's funny. But do you feel good about making someone cry for no reason about something they created and cared about for no reason but because they loved to do something that doesn't hurt anyone?
Jose Hall
What are you even doing on Veeky Forums if you’re this fragile? Your poem is bad, it’s not the end of the world, if you only wanted praise you should have shown it to your mommy.
Alexander Miller
It's not that I just wanted praise. It just feels really bad and I get emotional. I don't like that I do. Do you really not understand? I'm human. Fragility is the essence of humans. I'm gonna leave now. Thank you to the original guy for bearing with me.
Elijah Diaz
It's not a poem, it's the lyrics to the song "Fight Test" by the Flaming Lips lmao.
Cool "I'm 15 and bullied at school" poem senpaitachi
Hunter Gomez
>felt sorry for OP >see this Kek, you son of a bitch, made me laugh though.
Camden Perry
Holy shit fuck you OP I'm the original guy why am I laughing
Justin Cox
sonovabitch
Caleb Phillips
>(he wrote poems too you know, not just stories) Implying that we don't fucking know what E.A. Poe did lol. Fucking 14 year old smartass. Your poem is pretty shit too.
Henry Fisher
Good thread
Hunter Powell
>My english teacher says it's good enough for our school's literary journal.
There is literally no competition. It's a fucking school, nobody writes poetry besides you and one other guy. It's like being the best belly dancer in a football team.
Logan Lee
>still posting serious replies How embarrassing
Colton Morris
Kekek, reading OPs posts I was beginning to have some sympathy for this aspiring artist all emotional and shit.
Got me motherfucker/10
Ian Long
>Edgar Allan Poe (he wrote poems too you know, not just stories) I'm sick and tired of your fucking lies.
