/crit/

>my favorite cereal was, of course, cheeorios

This sums up the issue with your writing quite succinctly

>why should it be obvious to us that you like cheerios the most?
>why the fuck would we care?
>why would you write such a boring and bland sentence?

Anything remotely interesting is littered with cliches "To cut a long story short", "I was back, baby!" and if this is a comical piece it's more an excercise in frustration.

Try writing in more descriptive, less declarative sentences, and if you're going for an absurd plot, then learn why absurdism was created in the first place.

What are your influences? You need to go back to them or remove them, because as it stands, this piece is bad.

i find the act of trying humiliating in itself

Then you've already disgraced yourself.

If you write and "publish" (in this case showing it to us) you automatically incur the risk of ridicule and humiliation. If you can't deal with that, then you should never show anyone anything you write ever again.

is there anything redemptive in the at all? should I just not bother?

I don't find sharing to be a problem at all

shit writing, shit thread
and from the responses OP is a stupid fucking teenager.

sage report hide

>shit writing, shit thread
>and from the responses OP is a stupid fucking teenager.
>sage report hide

bump

the wit of OP
so witty

the first paragraph is total shit, its like you are trying to be some genius DFW type of writer but it just doesn't make sense or I am an idiot. Write something that is just a story and that isn't about you or set in the modern day, write something entertaining that's probably the best starting point.

user, let me ask you, what are you good at? What do you see yourself doing?

Do you want to work in a cubicle? Do you want to drive in a field? Could you stomach blood?

Probably, there is nothing that you would really want to do more (as a job) than be an Artist. It's a scary title and most Artists hesistate to call themselves that, but the reality is, they took this job because they had nothing else.

If life disatisfies you, then of couse you should bother. You should bother every day.

What is bad now, is only transitory. You need to write badly to write well.

You need to cut out all the bullshit. Your opening could easily read as:

"There are those that know I have been born and those that do not."

If you're going to start with being born, you can't jump into cereal (which is a fucking stupid topic). You also need to stop addressing the reader and making stupid diversions.

Read some Hemmingway and copy him for a while, he's good for starting writers because he teaches you how to edit without editing.

He's young, but weren't you?

i thought u hid the thread?

I've already written stuff like (not necessarily well) but I find it completely unfulfilling

I appreciate your feedback

I write like its a stupid game. I agree that I should actually try to produce something of quality but I don't want to totally abandon the play aspect of it.

I find hemingways descriptions too tedious, when I was reading the sun also rises, 5 years ago at university because I'm not so young, I got to the point where I'd just skip them

i think ultimately I'm lazy and weak. The cereal is relevant because its where the guy gets the squidward toy which he drunkenly mistakes for an angel and which leads to the accident which kills him. The problem is that i get bored of a thread within the narrative and abandon it to move onto something new but also that I am not willing to try and actually forebode well.

I don't think I'm ever going to be good but like you say its all about trying because everything else disatisfies me but then you see the fault in our stars and theres a scene where the two kids dying of cancer make out in anne franks house and all the other tourists clap them and you question why you even bother participating in the species.

im gonna try and take your advice seriously. its like i knew it already but viewing life through this post-ironic lens allowed me to dismis it.

>dissatisfy

Plan your story before you write it. Focus on the word economy, if you can say the same paragraph in one sentence say it.

Irony is empty. The point of irony is to tear down our expectations into something new. It is not to break every convention because you cannot be bothered to be sincere. Some of the greatest ironists were the most sincere men in history.

If you write like your disinterested in your story, then your readers will know that.

Is this supposed to be some sort of American-Psycho-esque deliberately long-winded, pretentious, unlikable writer protagonist?

Doing these kinds of things is interesting when its original. Once its done its over: there's only so many 'abstract' art installations you can stomach before the pretense of being quirky becomes tiresome.

I wanted the narrator to be mentally ill

If you want to distort reality successfully you have to know it absolutely.

tim and eric mind blown gif

I see a lot of hacks write crazy characters because they are fundamentally unable to write sane ones.

It's a copout that comes from a lack of skill and it reads as random, not human.

It held its flight, a swift clear cry. Hawk dipping down to a far off meadow multitudes of islands away. Bridges connecting islands high in the sky. Swaying grass and swaying bridges.

Heather lay stretched out in a vast irradiated meadow, hawkgazing. She would often laze about and watch the feathered birds fly and dive past the multitudinous islands and watch in wonder and jealousy, the feat.

How it would feel to fly and soar. The wind all around. Diving down. Watching the endless swaying bridges. People walking back and forth, endlessly. Flying down and over, dipping down to the endless azure whitetinged waves, the endlessness. Waterworld. Warm grass and sun. Mmm. Better head home. Have to make lunch. Or brunch. Never can remember the time out here.

She walked to the nearest bridge connecting to the southern island and began skipping across, singing an inspired tune:

And my feathered friends soared
To some distant shore
These islands are a bore
Take me with you!
La Da DA

It swayed in the wind, but these bridges never seemed to break. Perhaps it was the fearlessness of their travelers or the unique windbeaten wood from the islands trees that kept them going.

Waves far below me. Charging on and on, and on and on. Hawk dipping down to the waves. It caught a fish. Rainbow glinting in its beaks. Far far below. How far? Hundreds and hundreds. Endless.

And she skipped and hopped and sang to the hawks. And it happened: the bridge broke when her foot hopped onto the wrong spot. Strong as they were, they were never meant for joyful hopping and skipping.

I’m falling. Air all around me. Heart aflutter and slicing wind. Should have listened to mother and not strayed too far. Bridges near towns and cities are stronger. Out here in the wilds. Far, far. Hold me someone.

A large hawk dove down and grabbed the girl in its claws. Large hawk that she always watched flying and diving all around, to distant meadows. Singing a song. He would watch her too, her joyicity. Will and want to fly. And the hawk carried her all around the islands, on account of her not squirming but being held spellbound.

I can see it all. Wind all around me. The cities and towns flying by below me. Tiny people and tiny things going about their day. Wind, wind. It feels good. We’re soaring high. High, above the endlessness. Can see my house from here. I wish. Long way behind me. Never end! Neverending flight. Hold me tight.

Her joyful laugh was carried far by the wind. The hawk set her down in a distant meadow and set off to an unknown somewhere. She had no idea where she was, but she didn’t care. Bridges or high water, she would find her way home.

Short fantasy story I wrote for fun and practice.

>I don't think I'm ever going to be good but like you say its all about trying because everything else disatisfies me but then you see the fault in our stars and theres a scene where the two kids dying of cancer make out in anne franks house and all the other tourists clap them and you question why you even bother participating in the species.

this paragraph is good. made me laugh in front of my roommate

Juvenile writing style, and you write a lot while saying very little. You use 300 words when you could say the same thing with 50. And you're definitely nowhere near skilled enough to make those 250 extra words worth reading. Your excessive use of cliches also made me cringe a bit, to be honest.

Stop trying to copy DFW when you have no idea what makes his style good. Read him more, and more in general, or at least make a better effort to be original.

hiiiiii

pastebin.com/yqQyM20g

oh shit, maybe there is hope, just gotta hone my niche

And what's the purpose of his being ill?

American Psycho was an overt indictment of Americana i.e. yuppie culture, business, capitalism, materialism, the dating culture, etc.

If you're book is centered on a mentally ill narrator there has to be a purpose behind it. Otherwise you're just stuck trying to convince a reader to read the ramblings of a (fictional) mentally ill person.

That's sort of the point to an extent though ofc. Maniacs are rarely concise and articulate.

the reason behind the a mentally ill narrator is to offer such a radically distinct perspective that the reader enters a state of mind where they question everything or something i guess

its like saying 'THE NARRATOR IS UNRELIABLE!!!!'

The only DFW i've read is the first chapter of IJ and I thought it was pretty bad

I like some of his short stories more than IJ. Good Old Neon is pretty hard hitting.

so weird... you have a lot of talent, but it's unpolished. you just gotta keep polishing it man

quotev.com/imabittootired
pick whichever you want, just please validate my efforts

no grammar

>you have a lot of talent

i don't know how you got to that conclusion or if ur even serious but thanks bud

I'm so smart it's not even funny.

Are you posting from a relatively new device? A fairly new computer or tablet?

uhm yes how d'you know?