Hello, I wanted to share some creative writing projects I'm working on

>Mako

So it's an FF7 fanfiction?

That's correct.

But it is meant to depict events with Professor Gast, Professor Hojo, and their students during a political upheaval. And like I said, explore existential themes at the same time.

These are the two main characters.

Anyway, if you are interested in any of the projects you can just follow my tumblrs.

my artist tumblr;
iiishiki.tumblr.com/

projects;
mist-reavers.tumblr.com/
makoflame.tumblr.com/

If you are doing a fan fiction, please make it good and not some DBZ sonic crap

I want it to be the Dostoyevsky/ Solzhenitsyn of fanfics

> I, my, me, I, my, me, me, me me
This kind of can work as a stylistic tool, but in your case the prose looks rather unimaginative, repetitive.

Yeah it was mainly only for that scene, because his reality shatters so it was how things changed in relation to him. I'll try to clean it up and improve it. Thank you for the critique. Like I said I'm an amateur writer.

Would also add I am basically describing something that happened to me irl

bumping with a character portrait I just drew. I live in Japan so timezones are awkward

lifeless

Another then

Could you put it on a document instead of tumblr? It’s annoying that it’s broken up by concept art

Well you seem to know what you are doing in terms of visual art. But there's not much writing here to go by to make a call either way as to the quality. It would help to see the 35 page document you mentioned.

Sorry it's still in a messy outline format, so I'm not really ready to share it. Maybe I could pick out individual passages or talk about the overall plot

From the beginning of the outline, its rough stuff just to get ideas down

-----

BACKGROUND:

Mako:
Mako is the lifeblood of the planet, a glowing, neon-teal substance like oil. The condensed form of mako is called Materia, which look like gems that can be used to cast magical spells. Mako consists of the memories, identities, souls, of all those who have ever lived and died, including flora and fauna. It may also be thought of as “all information and all ideas,” as well as life essence. The sum of all mako which runs through the undercurrent of the planet is known as the lifestream.

Mako poisoning:
Mako poisoning occurs when one is exposed to a high level of mako, whereby the souls of the past cause the host to go insane. The reason for this is that their mind cannot process externally imposed amalgamated identities and memories (not only of other humans, cetra, but also of flora and fauna, living things). Severe cases will result in the patient being reduced to a coma or vegetative state.

Original Characters:

*Male Lead
Yun
Age: 24-26
Hometown: Fort Condor
Occupation: Researcher, Scientist

Yun is a member of the Shinra Special Research Mission for Mako Therapy. This specialized research unit is NOT a subdivision of the Jenova Project. It is housed at the Midgar Metropolitan Health Center (MMHC), a high-tech infirmary in Upper Midgar near the Shinra headquarters. One of Yun’s main cases is to monitor a young girl with mako poisoning named Ridley. Over time he has become attached to her, he perhaps comes to see her like a younger sister, and when asked he would possibly respond in kind, but the truth which he struggles to admit is that he views her as a 恋人, going against doctor-patient conventions. While he is sometimes concerned with ethical decisions coming from higher-ups in Shinra HQ, ultimately it is somehow Shinra which holds ethics against him for this relationship. He is aligned with Professor Gast, being a member of his research seminar or “zemi,” in that he sees his work as fulfilling and worth it if he can help cure the sick without so much interference from overhead, and while he is flawed, he tries to uphold wisdom, truth, and virtue before personal gain. His research and thesis focuses on the molecular structure of Mako.

*Female Lead
Ridley
Age: 21-23
Hometown: Mideel
Occupation: N/A

Ridley is a young woman, a girl around age 22 with mako-poisoning who spends her days at the Midgar Metropolitan Health Center. She is now under the care of Yun – who provides her with therapy to reduce the symptoms of her illness. There are times when she seems to have psychotic episodes, but at the Shinra Science Department there are those who believe she can at times channel the thoughts of the ancient Cetra, so she is of research importance for this reason. She had a troubled life even before becoming ill, and because she is now a research specimen and often used as the subject of experiments, she symbolizes humanity versus dehumanization, and has an understanding and acceptance that she is not like others and must suffer because of it. She tries her best not to let others see her struggle, and she does not verbally articulate her condition to anyone but Yun.

q. How did Ridley get mako poisoning?
a. In Mideel, the hot spring town, it is common for youth to go to a certain spot to be close to one another, similar to the well at Nibelheim where Cloud and Tifa met each other. For Mideel, this spot is a pool of mako housed near a Shrine, from which the trees grow from underneath--a mako font which glows and shines in the night. It is said that if you stare into the font at a certain time, you can see your spirit. Ridley, after suffering something tragic (her mother committed suicide?), invites a boy to see her at the mako font. She is emotionally very vulnerable, and has been visiting this spot, almost like sleepwalking, prior to coming. The boy agrees to meet her. They will meet and talk about things going on in their lives. Ridley explains that her mom would keep going to visit this shrine before she took her life. The boy will say something ominous to her, “I think the reason she did that is because she was thinking the same thing over and over, since perhaps she knew she was close to death.” Ridley feels this line is dark, but at the same time thoughtful. “What was my mom thinking?...why did she leave me?” she wonders. Ridley is so vulnerable that she is quite happy to finally have someone, anyone, to talk to. Under the starry sky, the boy tells Ridley that they should look into the mako font together to see their spirits. As they lean down to look into the pool, Ridley sees the reflection of her own face, as well as a vision of her mother, and feels saddened. The boy asks her what’s wrong, to which Ridley responds “I miss my mom…” but she starts to notice that the boy has a weird smile, which is more like a grin. The boy says “I’m sure you’ll meet her again, soon.” The boy already has someone, and simply pushes Ridley into the mako font. Why would he do this? To show his love for another particularly wicked girl, the daughter of the mayor of Mideel (or some politically strong family), who was jealous of Ridley. They had seen her distraught sleepwalking to the font, prior. The other girl shows up, and the boy runs off to her, cackling, leaving Ridley to splash around in the mako font to die. In the aftermath, there will be an extremely sick scene, where the Mayor, along with the girl behind him, “The girl was distraught, and searching for her mother. Now we have another tragedy.” They talk about the community need to regulate visits to the mako font as they are dangerous and kids don’t know what they are doing. This way they can control and possibly monetize the fonts.

*note, there would need to be a scene that perhaps shows Ridley is not surrounded by friends, that there are people who are jealous and resentful of her.

This scene is meant to be a mirror of things that happened between Cloud and Tifa, both with Tifa looking for her mother in Mt. Nibel, misplaced blame, etc. Except while Cloud and Tifa made a promise together, Ridley met only more sorrow and suffering. Basically, what would happen if we were to take the scene where Cloud and Tifa meet, and completely turn it on its head?

After the wicked couple have run away, Ridley manages to make it to the shore by herself, and passes out.
Because of the mako poisoning now coursing within her, she will have visions about the ancients and the Cetra.
She awakes at the infirmary (the same one where Tifa takes care of Cloud, and the one where she works as an assistant). Her case is quite bad, but not as bad as Cloud’s was in the original game. She can still talk, but her memories are twisting and she hears voices. She feels she can’t speak out the truth or make accusations against the mayor’s daughter. The facilities at the Mideel infirmary are not enough, so she is sent to Midgar, a new hospital which has been developed on the top plate.

This is the love story between Yun and Ridley at a time of major political upheaval happening at Shinra around the time of the discovery of Jenova, 30 or so years before the events of FF7.

That's all for now, this is the basic beginnings of the story. Critiques welcome. If there is interest, I can post more, otherwise I gotta hit the hay

Why do you have the background of characters laid out already man? You should have the first chapter done before doing that. Instead of planning out the story, make the story and the details will fall into place

I actually did. I have the entire plot and arcs written out, and then I went back and fleshed the characters out. It just most of it is not ready to be shown. There are reasons that Yun is from Fort Condor, which has to do with how I structured the plot.

Professor Gast Faremis:

Gast Faremis is a minor, yet important character in Final Fantasy VII. A biologist, he used to be the head of Shinra's Science Research Department. Unlike his colleagues, the later successor Professor Hojo and Dr. Hollander, Gast pursued wisdom for its own sake, rather than using it to gain power.

Jenova is an ancient organism Shinra excavated from a 2,000-year-old structure, and Gast drew the wrongful conclusion that Jenova was a member of the Cetra, a species of humans said to have been able to commune with the Planet itself, long thought extinct. Shinra sent Hojo and Lucrecia Crescent to assist him in his research to create the Jenova Project, its goal to create a human with the powers of the Cetra to lead Shinra to the Cetra's fabled Promised Land. Gast's research led Hojo to inject Lucrecia with Jenova cells to make a new race of Cetra through Hojo and Lucrecia's unborn child. This child was called Sephiroth.
Gast left the project upon discovering Jenova is not a Cetra, and continued his research on the Cetra in his laboratory at Icicle Inn. When departing Shinra, he helped a captive Cetra, Ifalna, the true last remaining Cetra, escape. This detail is revealed in Crisis Core Complete Guide. After leaving Shinra, the two migrated to Icicle Inn and went into hiding.
Gast records the interviews he conducts on Ifalna, where he learns the truth about Jenova and the Promised Land. He falls in love with Ifalna, and they have a daughter: Aeris. They are tracked down by Shinra, and Hojo kills Gast while capturing Ifalna and Aeris. Hojo keeps Gast's true fate a secret from Shinra, and what happened to Gast's body is unknown.

For the purposes of this story, Professor Gast represents the "benevolent king" archetype, while Hojo is the "tyrannical king." Gast, however, is distant because of his own priorities, work, and dreams.

This is a story of why Professor Gast Faremis drew a wrongful conclusion about Jenova, and why Gast left the Jenova project upon this discovering Jenova is not a Cetra, and the political upheaval within Shinra due to this realization.

Here is just a beginning portion of the timeline. I have the entire thing mapped out.

εγλ 1976
June 24 – Shinra Manufacturing, now known as the Shinra Electric Power Company, begins the construction of a Plate above the city of Midgar as a location to centralize the company with a modernized headquarters at the heart of the Plate. The plate is to consist of eight sectors built above the smaller settlements on the ground, which in turn gradually become nameless slums.

Added Note, the Midgar Metropolitan Health Center is a part of this new development.

εγλ 1976
Shinra scientists led by Professor Gast discover Jenova and label her a Cetra. The Jenova Project is begun soon after with the goal of creating a human with the powers of a Cetra. Professor Hojo and Dr. Hollander have differing opinions for how this process should be carried out and establish two different projects under the Jenova Project: Hojo establishes Project S, while Hollander begins Project G.

1976 Ridley is pushed into the mako font. She is sent to the Midgar Metropolitan Health Center, a new and still in development hospital.

THIS IS WHERE A LOT OF THE ROMANCE STORY TAKES PLACE

εγλ 1980
Professor Gast leaves Shinra, setting out on a journey across the Planet to find answers to the many questions he has about Jenova, the Ancients, and the Planet. HE TAKES IFALNA WITH HIM. This causes Shinra to look for replacements, and they choose Ridley. Yun has already escaped with her. So the Turks (Department of Admininstrative Research) issue a Priority 1 recovery order for her.

In Gast's absence, a power struggle occurs within the Shinra's Department of Scientific Research between Professor Hojo and Dr. Hollander. Hojo obtains the position, his achievements in Project S being more recognized by Shinra than Hollander's Project G.

Yun and Ridley nearly escape Midgar, but when they reach the checkpoint, Ridley is kidnapped via a Helicopter (like when Aerith is kidnapped by Reno). The Turks were just toying with them and allowing them to feel free.
Enraged, Yun storms back to Shinra HQ to take Ridley back, no matter the cost, Spike Spiegel style. He ultimately fails, and is captured. Both Ridley and Yun are now in the hands of the Shinra Science Department.

Okay I haven’t played FF7 or any of the final fantasy games but if you already have the chapter done, post it and then see if you made any mistakes on the way. You shouldn’t finish the entire thing, because then when it gets ripped apart you might have to start over. I understand why you won’t have to do any world building so just post what you have

basically, the point is its a love story between a girl with mako poisoning, and a researcher who is trying to cure her. Eventually tragedy befalls them due to political upheaval and shit going on around them.

Is Barret a nigger or something else?

Ok Ill just post some stuff that might be cheesy and see if you think its bad or if I should rewrite it. It's pretty scattered right now since I have an outline and a ton of scenes strewn throughout with varying levels of detail.

I would suggest you to look for a professional writer since from what I could read, your prose really lacks any sort of remarkable quality and results quite tedious and redundant in the long run.

Can't really express any opinion on the concept art and music since I don't have the competence to do so, but I guess it's pleasant to the eye if I'm allowed to say so.

It’s time for Yun’s scheduled therapy check-in for Ridley. When Yun enters the room, Ridley’s eyes light up. Because of her sickness, she spends her days bedridden and constrained, so one of her few activities is to draw pictures. You would think of her as sheltered from the outside world, but must also remind yourself that this is a Shinra facility.

Yun enters the room. Ridley is excited to see him, and has drawings she wants to show to Yun.
Ridley: "Mr. Y! Yeah!" she beams with happiness.
Yun smiles and walks toward her with his clipboard and briefcase: “How are you doing today, Ridley?” He sets his things down near her bed and on the desk. She sits up with a bright smile on his face and presents Yun her sketchbook.

“Oh, you have some drawings to show me?”
Ridley: Would you look?
Yun: Of course!
Ridley: Hmm.. They’re people I saw in my dreams.
Yun looks at the pictures, many of them are portraits with exotic clothing. A husky man with a strong jaw, and people huddled around him. A picture of a young girl, about 5. “Really wonderful, Ridley.” They become more disconcerting as he flips through them. A picture of a woman with a warped face, and energy emanating outward from her. There is one figure that looks vaguely like Yun, weird equipment, with fire around him.

Ridley: Also… I drew you this picture, Mr. Yun. How do you like it?" She pulls out a different, framed work that she has clearly spent a lot of time on.
Yun: Is that me?!
Ridley: Yes, it’s a portrait of you, go ahead, critique it.
This particular portrait depicts him frontward facing, eyes piercing directly forward, with a warm smile.
Yun: Honestly, I didn't think someone your age could produce such high quality work. I think you might be a veritable artistic genius.
Ridley does not want to accept the compliment: Oh, come on, give me a real critique.
Yun: *pauses* Alright. Then you should draw another portrait, of yourself.
Ridley: huh?!
Yun: You’re always thinking of others. It’s ok to think of yourself once in a while.
Ridley, stunned: I …
Yun: If you disagree, then, do it for me.
Ridley: *blushes, shyly, happily*
Yun: I’ll treasure this. Thank you, Ridley. *realizes hes gone a bit too far, and restrains himself because of client-patient relationship concerns.*

She smiles and brushes her hair to fit behind her ear.

----

I got that sketchbook for Ridley as a present, for the first day that I took on responsibilities as her caretaker.

flashback
"Hello Ridley, My name is Yun, people here call me Mr. Y. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ll be taking on responsibilities as your caretaker, starting today."
Ridley looks so happy: “Hello, Yun. I’m Ridley, wow, you’re a lot more handsome than the last guy they paired me with.”
Perhaps one may think it manipulative. But while I did this to build a connection with her, and to help her enrich herself via a healthy hobby…
I also did it, so that I could learn what is in her mind. The mind of someone with mako-poisoning.

There were times when the things she drew troubled me. At first, they were more like charts, arrows, depicting abstract, misdirected structures. Other times, she would draw people in strange clothing which seemed familiar, but far unlike anything I’ve seen.

I appreciate the critique. I realize it is very bare bones right now. I will have to think harder about how to stylize my writing and make it more interesting and pleasant to read. Please also keep in mind I want to turn this into a manga, so some of the way I've written this is meant to be visual and I would capture a lot of the information that way.

Do you have autism?

Probably.

-----

Gast and Yun are speaking concernedly about a psychotic episode that Ridley had.
Gast: There’s a lot of crap going down in Shinra these days.

Yun: Jenova? I actually don’t know much about it, as my focus is on medicine, and mako research. I only know that Jenova was a Cetra.
Gast: That’s what we thought when we discovered her. And, well, you weren’t supposed to know much. It’s above your pay-grade. Haha!
Yun: Very funny.
Gast: This much, you’re allowed to know: Jenova is an organism we excavated from a structure carbon-dated to be over 2000 years old. Turned out that even after 2000 years, this organism was still in tact and viable. We are still studying it and the results are, well… Your patient, Ridley, the girl has never read any of the archives we have from the Cetra, yet her accounts fit with the base of knowledge we have. I’m building a higher resolution understanding of the Cetra, and what happened to them. A lot of that is thanks to Ridley.
Yun: So you think the things she is drawing, they are manifestations of 2000 years ago?
Gast: It’s not exactly scientific, but it seems to fit. And this new understanding is why a lot of things are happening behind the scenes, and terrible decisions are being made at Shinra.
Yun: …
Gast: So I’m going to tell you something you’re “not supposed to know.” A secret. Professor Hojo is earning the favor of the President, due to success of his experiments in the SOLDIER S program, beating out Hollander’s SOLDIER G.
Yun listens intently.
Gast: He is trying to create a new breed of human by injecting them with Jenova cells.
Yun: What the hell?
Gast: My goal was to find the fabled Promised Land of the Ancients. Instead, Shinra is creating weapons of war and grotesque monstrosities. I don’t abide it.
Yun: …
Gast: Can you tell me what Ridley was saying, last night?
Yun: She was saying, “Don’t believe her lies. Evil. Evil.”
****depict a scene of her with her hair tangled over her face, tears, and her hands wrapped around her head. “DON’T. SHE IS A LIE. SHE IS THE ULTIMATE LIE.”****
Gast: That thing, it’s not what I thought it was. And, these people… they corrupt everything they touch.
Yun: What can we do?
Gast: I’m afraid even my words don’t mean much around Shinra anymore, when the promise of absolute power is within their grasp. What else can we do but try to instill some wisdom in them… That....thing we found, in the northern crater. It’s not a Cetra. It's harrowing. I wish we could just put it back. By my estimation...it WANTED to be found. Maybe...it compelled us to find it. Just playing games with us. Dangling the idea of the Promised before us, as a means to throw us into oblivion.
Yun: And now the Mad scientists have Jenova.
Gast: Or, rather, does Jenova have the mad scientists?
Yun: Ugh.

again, keep in mind I'm going to make this a manga

The beginning starts off like a novel but somehow turns into a screenplay. You should figure out how to write dialogue between characters. Also it’s hard to tell whose point of view it’s in, an omnipotent third party and switches to first person

Gotcha. I need to keep it more consistent. Good dialogue is indeed harder than it seems it would be.

I'll post up to what is meant to be the prologue. Again its at varying levels of detail.

-----

Ridley and Yun are in her room toward the evening, they are playing around away and out of bed when there is a sizeable earthquake.

There are some warnings sent to Yun’s phone with a loud buzzing sound, enough to cause Yun to, by instinct and responsibility, cover Ridley and send her under the desk. With her hunched down, he also shelters above her with his own body, arched over her like a castle.

As the room shakes, its structures creaking, books falling out of their shelves, and lights flickering, Ridley enjoys feeling Yun’s body above hers, sees how worried but responsible he is, and smiles to herself. After a few moments, a sad smile comes to her face and she says to him: “Don’t worry.”

Yun becomes more aware, the feeling of danger from the earthquake disappears from him. He looks below, room still shaking, sees only her curled below him. She could already sense that they would be fine, and Yun knew that she sensed it due to her supernatural senses, but a different kind of fear entered him upon hearing her words.

"Dont worry." Why did she say it in that way? So sadly...

The earthquake subsides. They come out from under the desk.
Ridley: "Are we ok then?"
Yun: "You're not hurt are you?"
Ridley: "Safe and sound. Thanks to you."
Yun: "Good, I'm glad---" before he can completely utter his words, she moves to hug him. "And you're okay, right Yun?" she says.
She called him by his first name only, and hugged him. He felt the curves of her body upon his. After a short instant of tension and confusion, he lets out a breath.
"Please, call me Mr. Y," he gently pries her off of him by the shoulders, but holds her dearly. Ridley has a sad, but alluring, and decisive smile on her face.

Her eyes sort of dart and rest downward, “Sorry, Mr. Y.”
There are some injuries around the town, as notified on the television screen news channel, aside all the propaganda and talking heads. The two of them, Ridley and Mr. Y, pick up the items which fell from shelves and such, on opposite sides of the room, but perfectly aware of eachother.

----
There is word that there will be a Directorial change occurring soon in the Mako Therapy Unit. Professor Gast is stepping down because of some sort of dispute over the future of the unit, and with Shinra HQ siding against him, lacked political support to prevent the change.

Going through memories---
Yun is writing down information about Ridley. He can tell it makes her feel uneasy. It makes her feel in tune with the reality of her condition, and that she is different from others. Yun senses this sadness, and so all he can think to do is say to her “You are helping a lot of people, by helping me. Thank you, Ridley.”

"You're welcome, Mr. Y."

----

Closer.

Another day.
"Hello Mr. Y."
Yun is taking notes, while Ridley is in bed. “Please rate your level of pain from 1-10.”
She pauses and says:
"Some days, I feel nothing at all."
He begins to circle, but doesn't know if this constitutes a 1, so he writes a note in the margins.
“Other days, I feel like my soul is poisoned.”

He writes down her words.

Professor Gast with Mr. Y
Gast: This place is changing. You're a good person. You should get out of here while you still can.
Yun: ...I can't.
Gast: The girl?
Yun nods.
Gast: You're going to get in trouble. And you're going to get hurt. But do what you think is right. I'm here for you. Whatever you decide.
Yun: What about you?
Gast: Got too many reponsiblities here in spite of things. I'm the only one who can prevent this place from becoming a scumhive. Look, why dont you just run away. Take her with you. Here, go to this address if you're in trouble. They'll help you.
Yun: ...Understood, sir.

-----

////////////
Yun and Vincent dinner conversation, having left the restaurant
Vincent: Yun. You love her, don't you.
Yun: She suffers, all alone.

////////////

Yun is troubled by the way Ridley spoke earlier, and for her demeanor during the Earthquake. The sadness she expressed to him. But he tries to maintain her distance until he notices something is wrong.

////////////
Vincent, thinking to himself… “I know someone like that.”
Vincent to Yun: Then you know what you must do.
////////////

-----
Yun: "Ridley, are you doing alright?"
Ridley: "Yes, Mr. Y." her voice is slow and hurt.
Yub: You didn't eat your meal. Here, have some food. He takes a spoonful of food, cups her chin and feeds it to her. She is very weak.

Yun sighs, feeds her a bit more: Alright, I've prepared some medicine for you, it should help straighten out some of your symptoms.

Ridley takes it.
Yun: Put it under your tongue and let it dissolve, then drink this water.

Ridley: Thank you, Mr. Y.
a little sarcastically...

She thinks to herself, “every time I say it, I fall further into the labyrinth.”

Yun: Ridley...
He wants her to snap out of it.

Yun: Ridley, what's wrong?
She's drowsy.
Ridley: Are you trying to hypnotize me?...
Yun: What? Of course not. Why would you say that?”
Ridley: You’re trying to hypnotize me into forgetting about you…
Yun: Hypnotize…What are you---
Ridley: I don’t want to call you that.
Yun: Huh?
Ridley: It's too far away from me.
He realizes its an odd thing to say, but he completely understands the feeling.
Her head is heavy, drowsy, she won’t turn to face Yun.

Yun: Don't be sad, Ridley. Hey, hey snap out of it! I'm sorry, just, with work, I...Ridley!" He pulls her shoulder so that she is facing him, and he can see her face. Ridley has some tears forming in her eyes, she looks extremely sick…..

Ridley: “I want to tell you something. I want you to know that…

Yun frowns and smiles at the same time with concern, love, and a sense of dread. He understands the sadness she expressed during the earthquake, was because she was not referring to the Earthquake at all, but something else entirely. It was because she had already accepted death.

She pulls out her sketchbook, she has drawn a portrait of herself as requested earlier.

Ridley: In this place, I’m so sheltered, and I felt protected because of you.

Yun: That’s why I’m here. I'll protect you, Ridley. Always.

Ridley: “But it, still hurts. Constantly. I always hurt.” Yun’s face turns pale, he already knows this, he just doesn’t want to hear her say it, as it hurts him as well. She looks blankly at the portrait she drew, like a mirror, eyes dark, full of emptiness, and glistening with the formation of tears.

Ridley thinks to herself “I don’t even remember what its like anymore…to be...". A tear falls down her cheek. “I don’t remember what its like, to be me…” Yun looks at her, yearning to understand the frail creature in front of him, to find a solution.”

She continues; “That’s why I'd not dare draw what you requested. I don’t want to think of me. Or who I am.” She begins to cry. “Why would you make me do that..?!” with quiet intensity and frustration, she pulls the portrait from her sketch book. and forces it upon Yun’s abdomen. He is at a loss, wind taken out of him to see her like this.

“I want to think of you.” With a sense of surety, she moves to him, as if some gravitational or magnetic force pulled her to climb and latch onto him. Yun raises his arms in surprise, but as she speaks, he slowly lowers them to hold her. And in doing so, he takes on her suffering as his own.

As they embrace in the stillness of the hospital room, the starlight falling through the windows seems oppressive. Clinging to him, with her face pressed against his chest underneath his neck, she articulates with a tortured persistence full of hope.
Ridley: “I dreamt of my end. I was in an ocean of chaos.”
Yun: …
Ridley: “Was it the sickness, or my intuition? I was scared, and alone.
Yun: I'm here.
Ridley: But then, I could see you. Your face. Your true face. The purest thing imaginable. And I felt peace.”
Yun: …
Ridley raises her face and looks into Yun’s eyes, he looks like the portrait she drew, but much sadder: “Nothing else matters. You must know, that, I’ll always love you.”
Yun puts his hand behind her head, her hair running through his fingers, and they kiss.
Yun: I love you, too. I'll never be far from you anymore. I promise.
Ridley: Because of you, I knew kindness.
*While kissing*
Ridley: I know you think I am bright and, strong. But the truth is, maybe, I, I hate this world. Nothing in it makes sense to me. It’s all pain to me.
*Kissing*
Ridley: But then I remember, that the world can’t be so bad…*kissing* because it houses you.
Yun: Ridley…
She raises her head, he lowers his, and they stare into each other’s eyes.

Holding the back of her head, he pulls her closely toward him. He brushes her hair behind her ear while his other hand slides firmly down her back, and she nudges him downward by his tie, and moves to kiss his neck. As she kisses, she says "the drugs won't work." She kisses upwards, moves her face closer to his, purposefully brushes her cheek against his, gently bites on his earlobe and then whispers into his ear, (teeth visible and lower jaw slightly forward from usual) "You are the antidote. You are the only thing that can fix me."

As if in a trance, Ridley, grabs a hold of him, rubs across it and presses it toward her: “Let me experience this at least once.”

----

behind the door, a figure eavesdrops.

----

Afterward, they are holding each other in the bed.

Yun has completely forgotten the doctor-patient relationship, the best feeling of his life. Late into the night, talking, embracing, it’s almost dawn.
Ridley: “It's not just that I hear voices, or remember things, people, faces that I shouldn't. Conversations I've never had. Places that I've never been. Countless people whom I've never talked to, who know me. It's more than that. I am pulled into it, and it all overlaps with everything else.

“And all this information, sometimes, hits me all at once. A single movement, or a sound, can cause me to recall a hundred painful memories.”

Ridley: “Even though I'm this hospital room....maybe I am actually always somewhere else.... and if that's the case...”

“Maybe I’m already a ghost.”

Yun: Don't say that. I'm here with you. You're real.” He holds her against the bed and kisses her.

Ridley: Maybe, I, already died, 4 years ago.

*more kissing*
Ridley: “But every time you walked through the door to see me, and I'd see the smile on your face, directed only at me…”

“…I felt structure again.” Ridley says.

“I felt…alive again.”

“And like a willful hallucination, I would imagine you with, impart onto you, wings of fire, because you're like the phoenix. Your warmth would make me feel whole again.”

He gently lowers her to lay down, he holds her tightly, as if to heal her. Like sunrays shining over a child lost in the snow.

“And your flame… would burn everything else away. Punish this world, for what it did to me.”

Morning after:
An extremely cute scene with Ridley and Yun. If the previous sex scene is meant to be dark, prophetic, and the first understanding of each other’s being, the following scene is meant to be bright, and rather than prophetic, hopeful if melancholic as they willingly craft both of their identities together. Their lingering connection.

Ridley suddenly jumps up. Yun! I, I feel different.
Yun; What do you mean?
Ridley: I feel like myself.
Yun smiles at her.
Ridley grabs a polaroid camera and stuffs it at Yun: Hurry, before it goes away!
Yun takes the camera, faces it directly at Ridley with a beautiful, endearing smile, and snaps a shot. It comes out and he waves it in the air to dry it off. She curls toward him full of love as he does so.
Yun: I'm gonna keep this one, write something on it for me.
Ridley looks up: "Huh? What should I write?" she grabs a marker.
Yun, in a joking but serious way: Record the contents of your true spirit.
Ridley: Wow, that's a big responsibility. Ok then.
She writes something down, but does not show Yun. She takes the camera and faces Yun with it, snaps a shot, he smiles with a bit of surprise while also accepting that it is his turn.
Ridley gives Yun the photo of her, it says, "be the answer。" with a heart near her face, written in black marker.
Yun looks down at it. Ridley says: “Well?”
Yun: “So this is Ridley. Beautiful. The pleasure is mine.”
Ridley: “Haha! So whats it gonna be?”
Yun: “well…”
Ridley: “Hm?!”
Yun: “I'm your cleansing flame

Thanks for reading. That's about as much as I can show for now. I realize a lot of it is cheesy, which is why I am asking for a critique. Again please keep in mind I plan to turn this into a manga as well as have a more fleshed out written prose form.

So that's the picture she drew of the guy surrounded in fire. Cool.

I like the art. If you want that passage to sound more mystical, consider re-writing it without using "you" and "your" at all, and avoid using "one" or "one's" as much as possible. It will make you rethink the structure of some sentences. Even if you aren't going for that, the exercise might help your revision process.

>of all life and the cosmos
Do you think this could just be "of the cosmos" to make it tighter?

>on top of me
Could change to "on me."

>the sky itself
Could probably take out "itself" here.

>from under me
Could change to "underneath".

>held me focused
I think "held" sounds a little strange here. "kept me focused" or "made me focused".

>And as I ran through the streets
I think this could be taken out entirely and the sentence be changed to "Every single figure on the streets showed only their back to me."

As the other user noted, you do use "me" a lot in the passage. Consider cutting more out.

I'm reading over your other posts, will comment on them later.

Thanks, this helps a lot