Short story won a prize

Find a charismatic person to do it for you, but still go and heckle them from the audience.

This is the patrician option

Congrats user.

Just practice reading it through a couple of times. Don't try to elocute, just read it in a normal voice, straining to project a little and to keep it clear if anything.

For your reception speech just say thank you to everyone who gave you the prize and thank you to the audience and smile. You don't have to deliver a nobel lecture.

What do you do now?

It's ok. Men will see you as a fucking weirdo beyond comprehension and women will be too blinded by authority and award glitz to laugh at you

you only black out if you drink massive quantities.

today, go buy a bottle of mid-shelf vodka. Frïs is my go-to, cheap but acceptable-tasting. stick to brands you've heard of; i.e. don't get awful paint-thinner like Mr. Boston because it's cheap.
when you get home, put it in the freezer (it doesn't freeze at water temps). Next time you're stressed, nervous, irritable etc pour a shot and down the hatch. Think of it like medicine.
you will not black out, but it will erase the edge. there's nothing wrong with recreational drinking, but alcoholism is a thing. If you respect it and treat it like medicine, you'll be OK.

Just take some pills like Tao Lin

That's bad for your health

Has this already been done in a book or a movie because I might steal the idea

Just be as autistic as possible and claim it's "performative", like Tao Lin.

homer

no it's good

if all else fails do this retroactively

It's sort of a Cyrano de Bergerac riff

ever hear of the French Paradox? They all drink wine all the time (and eat tons of fatty food) and yet their health index is really high. Alcohol in moderation is good. This has been in the news here in the US since the 90s. They even told my friend when she was pregnant that a glass of wine here and there was acceptable during the pregnancy. The temperance movement and Baptists have shaped a lot of our cultural attitudes towards alcohol, they propagated a lot of disinfo.

lol sucks

gotta do it though man, itll open up doors.

and really, if you want you're going to have a normal job, youll probably have to give presentations. Best to practice.

join toastmasters or a meetup group

Wear one of those bags in case you piss yourself

Research Vodka, drinking shots of it like that is not healthy

No it's not, especially not during pregnancy

>Alcohol in moderation is good
it's really just wine that's good. also lol at drinking "in moderation" during pregnancy

>glass of wine here and there was acceptable during the pregnancy
nice, her kid will only have fetal alcohol syndrome in moderation

it's actually good tho

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4068964/
>Although low levels of drinking during pregnancy have not been associated with growth abnormalities,28 even low levels of use have been associated with behavioral problems.29 Research in animals suggests that even light to moderate alcohol exposure throughout gestation has negative effects on development.30,31 A number of imaging studies in humans have demonstrated that prenatal alcohol exposure disrupts development of both gray and white matter and illustrate alcohol-related alterations in cerebral blood flow, neurotransmitters, and neuronal activity; individuals with prenatal alcohol exposure can exhibit neuronal anomalies and dysfunction without distinct facial dysmorphology.32 Given the range of adverse alcohol effects on fetal development demonstrated by current research, the U.S. Surgeon General has recommended that women abstain from alcohol consumption during pregnancy.33

Thomas Pynchon did it already

ok, so drink a glass of wine, then.

no

...

How does one even begin to construct a story?

Get someone to pose as you.
Make sure he's the exact opposite of who'd they'd suspect.
I recommend a disabled black trans lesbian man

Nah, you did what a good autistic recluse should do.
Embrace your persona.

Everyone fantasize about shit all day. Write that.

Post an excerpt if you ain't a bitch

There is a drug that gets rid of social anxiety, its over the counter

Alcohol is a carcinogen, dickhead

completely exposed and all it took was one scathing remark to bring out the demon

>drinking so much as a sip of alcohol with a new life budding inside your body
disgusting

First off, practice reading your piece. Time yourself reading it naturally with a stopwatch. Make sure not to pay attention to the time initially. Then, modify your time if need be. Do you have a time limit for your delivery? Speed up if necessary by reading at a decent clip and emphasizing only where important. Get used to your piece and find the right cadence that you think works. You don't need to memorize it, but being familiar with it and knowing what to expect will allow you to naturally pay more attention to your audience, which will help them feel engaged and appreciate your work. Don't forget to make eye contact with various people in the crowd.
Also practice a few readings in front of a mirror or another person once you're satisfied with your pace and time. This will help you decide to use gestures or expressions, as well as let you be more comfortable knowing how your audience will see you. Try to stick to what feels comfortable to you. Don't push yourself trying to be elaborate.
As for alcohol, if you decide to use it to steady your nerves, you'll only need a shot or two, especially if you don't drink. Use a chaser as well if you can, soda works for overpowering the alcohol taste, and pop some breath mints or gum so you don't smell like booze. I'd also reccomend a trial run and drinking somewhat ahead of time so you can get the right amount to be buzzed and comfortable rather than erratic. Remember, drink slowly. Let the alchohol settle in.
But honestly I doubt you'll need alcohol if you just do a but of prep and practise.
You can do it user. No biggie.

>if you respect it and treat it like medicine, you'll be ok.

that's not what drinking should be for, mate

Imagine having a life-buddy inside your tummy

Sounds like a story concept to me.

worked out fine for Steve

Very good advice right here

Jesus, how many weirdos losers are on this board? You autistic people are cringy.

woke as fuck

grats OP. dress nice and be nice to people at the party.

There's not

get that humble brag out while you can

i'd be scared of this too

I did the same shit
EXCEPT I HAD TO READ 4 PAGES OF IT IN FRONT OF 150+ PEOPLE

FUCK OFF

>not thinking about this before submitting it

i would do that just to reject it with a better text

If it won it's because they like your work, relax