Post the Best Paragraph of the Draft You're Working on

Doesn't matter if it's a novel, short story, essay, or screenplay. Give me a sampling of what you're up to.

Here's mine, from a short story:

"The snowbanks surrounding the ice surface glowed white and shadowy in the light of the bonfire. Uncle Frank was sitting on a stump tending the fire casually. He was gripping a coffee mug in one hand and a large stick in the other. My little cousins, five or six of them, skated awkwardly and energetically, propelling themselves constantly and precariously across the beaded deep-blue pond. Two of them with hockey sticks swatted a square block of wood around, transitioning between games of keep-away and shinny with two large rocks serving as goal posts. The children all laughed and shouted ecstatically. I set my skates down on my lap and tried to stay awake."

"Five or six of them"? Can't this guy count?

Not a good idea to let your little cousins skate over a pond because they could fall through and freeze to death.

In the stillness of the night, a fox rustled around the river bank, oblivious to the looming storm or the hunter in the brush. And in turn, hunter was oblivious to infectious virus that plagued the fox's meat. The only certainty was this: the storm would outlive them both, and it would water their improvised graves until Prudence happened upon them.

I'll give you some context. The character is a hypochondriac who is having a breakdown on Christmas Eve. Right before he went outside, he was asleep alone while his extended family had dinner together. The scene on the pond when he gets there is chaotic, and it's nighttime.

is right. "My little cousins" by itself would be fine.

"Two of them" is too impersonal. If you want to show that he's not familiar with them, then he needs to say something like, "Two of them, Jordon, I thought, who was wearing the red muffler, and Tom, because he was stocky, had hockey sticks and were swatting a block of wood around. They transitioned between...."

Cut "ecstatically." If you're laughing AND shouting you're clearly that. If it was only one of those things it would be fine as something that narrows the horizon of meanings. A laugh can be condescending, etc. A shout can be angry, etc.

The last sentence needs to be in keeping with the time frame implied by "transitioning between games of keep-away and shinny...." Something like "I kept setting my skates down into my lap and picking them up as I tried to stay awake." You've gone on too long with the kids, it seems like an attentive observation. You need something to say, this is a reconstruction of the moment, done post-facto.

But this is a promising first passage OP. It's not bloated and pretentious like a lot of the shit I see on here, even if it feels a little faux-historical. I would keep reading despite the small issues.

Thank-you for the criticism. Much appreciated!

>the storm would outlive them both

You're telling us the entire plot in two sentences. And personifying the storm ("would water their graves") seems heavy-handed. Unless the lead-up to this paragraph was a reflection on the nature of the storm.

And for some reason, I think you should begin with the hunter's obliviousness to the 'poisonous' fox, then note that the fox, too, as passively deadly as it is, was equally unaware of the hunter's presence in 'the stillness of the night.'

Very evocative sentence, though.

The hunter, fox, and storm are only mentioned in this passage and is meant to allude to the main character, Prudence, and her situation. The plot is non linear

Thank you for your words though

Is this the opening sentence of the story? Do we never hear again about the fox or the hunter? Is Prudence married to the hunter or are they throw-away characters?

The first chapter will deal with her family history and the history of her village, with the second chapter (and that passage) being the actual beginning of the story. The hunter's wife will have relevance somewhere in the story

"I long for windows. I know exactly what I would see: I see it when I close my eyes. Blackness filled with writhing shapes, potential. Changes in pressure bending blood vessels in my eyes? Or eyeless fish carrying out their nocturnal errands? It would be nice to know for sure that there was life without. Barely life within, as I remark to the lieutenant. He nods and quips on my quip. Invariably his is the better, and invariably I choose not to remember it. Let him remember his own. The lack of windows does this to us, I think. It turns our energies inwards instead of letting our stresses be dissolved into the dark salty wild outside. But why would there be windows? I may be the captain, but unseen hands steer this ship."

too many adverbs: shadowy, casually, awkwardly, energetically, constantly, precariously, ecstatically all in one paragraph

- is the hunter going to eat the fox raw, out there in the field? he's not going to take it home and skin it? also, who eats foxes?
- 'the only certainty'? isn't it certain that the fox is sick? that it's nighttime? that there's a hunter hiding in the bush?

pretty good

Uncanny

kind of boring, OP, but keep it up. read more, write more.

Their relationship was special not only thanks to Eric for being able to adapt to any person and being able to endure the tears and the scolds–though it took him a couple months to get used to the fact that she would be in control of certain things, from small things like telling the waitress herself what she herself wanted to order to slightly bigger things like what they wanted to do on any given day, which, after all, suited Eric way more than having to come up with something to do—but the relationship was even more special because Sarah was all Eric could ever want in a girl. Though oftentimes she scolded and more than often mocked, she still scolded, and she mocked, and God, Eric thought, how could he ask for anything other than that? And then she was charming, sweet, lovable, beautiful, great-to-cuddle, and honestly someone he saw himself settling down with even so early on in age. After a while the only problems on his end were making sure she was happy and jealousy. The latter was no problem because he was Eric Mann and it was natural and easy to take her out, make her laugh, or just be happy, and, regarding jealousy, he found that any jealousy that ever arose was only due to the fact that he was so scared to do without her, so he pushed it out of his mind as much as he could whenever she wasn’t around, and when she returned, if he was lucky, she’d touch him in some type of way that made him realize everything was going to be okay.

You can get rid of the 'was' with Uncle Frank and his coffee mug. "Uncle Frank sat on a stump, tending the fire casually. He gripped a coffee mug in one hand and a large stick in the other"

Strike casually, join the coffee cup/stick sentence with the previous one.

Really good paragraph. Just three issues, and they're all minor grammatical/syntactic ones.

>sometimes she scolded and more than often mocked

What is more than often? Always? Or do you mean to say 'more often than not, she mocked'?

>settling down with even so early on in age

It comes across clearly what you mean, but the phrase seems wrong. Early on in age seems like it's missing a qualifier or a range, like 'early on in middle age' or 'early on in young adulthood.' I would simplify it to say 'settling down with, even so early' or 'settling down with even at such a young age.'

>the only problems on his end were making sure she was happy and jealousy.

I think this should be: 'the only problems on his end were making sure she was happy, and jealousy.'

Like I said, minor editions. Love the material.

I never wrote more than random rants, Im not a huge reader but yesterday I had some inspiration. I'll post the opening 2 paragraphs of you guys promise to go easy.

Its kind of a run of the mill start but id like to hear critique from actual reader/writers. Again, im proud of what i got all things considered but im not but im not a Veeky Forums person by any means