What is the best joke you've ever read, Veeky Forums?

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> t. user's mum

Three friends are stranded in a desert. Their names are Colonel, Jake, and Grigori. For days, they have been crawling on their hands and knees, dry mouths filled with sand, clothes tattered and hot. Jake, in a stroke of luck, knocks his knee against something hard in the sand. Uncovering it, it is revealed to be a genie's bottle. Remembering the old stories, he vigorously rubs it with his sleeve. The lamp begins to shake, and suddenly a towering genie erupts from its nozzle.
"HELLO," roars the genie. His booming voice cascades across the bleak dunes around them.
"I AM A GENIE, AND MY NAME IS THE VERY SAME."
Colonel, Jake, and Grigori look at one another excitedly.
"YOU HAVE LABORED TIRELESSLY IN THESE BARREN LANDS, AND PROVEN AMONG YOU A GREAT DETERMINATION. FOR YOUR RESILIENCE, YOU SHALL EACH BE GRANTED A WISH."
Grigori approaches the big blue wonder.
"Genie, I want a cock I can really write home about."
The Genie zaps Grigori's groin with his outstretched palms. A massive bulge emerges in Grigori's tattered jeans, and upon peeking inside, he yelps "I am endowed like a stallion!"
The Genie gives him a fatherly nod as Jake steps forward.
"Genie, I want to go home. I hate the desert."
The Genie snaps his fingers and Jake vanishes from sight. Far off in the distance, tens of thousands of miles away, they hear Jake yell "I'M HOME!"
Colonel steps forward, ready to receive his wish.
"Great Genie, I want to be the owner of a five-star french restaurant in Washington D.C."
The Genie zaps Colonel with his thunder hands. Colonel begins violently seizing, choking up a frothy mix of blood and spit, his limbs wildly flailing. Colonel is suffering from a type of pain the likes of which no human has ever before felt. His muscles are contracting so hard that his bones are shattering under the stress. His body is destroying itself. Colonel prays for the mercy of death or unconsciousness but none comes. The Genie leans in very close to Colonel's mangled body.
"Be careful what you wish for, Colonel. You might just get it."

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your diary desu

to be honest, rawls isn't much better

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Why don't blind people go bungee jumping?

cos it scares the shit out of the dogs.

david lunch lol

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around

A duck and two seven-foot-tall transgender Nigerian women walk into a bar. The duck asks the bartender for a drink. As he fills the duck's glass, the bartender says "that'll be three bucks." The duck says "just put it on my bill."

What?

You just don't get it

How does Harry Potter get around Hogwarts?
Walking.

JK Rowling

"The hunger artist" by kafka

explain

I need my notebook first
Hold on, let me get it

That's the joke. You don't get it

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Alright user, that's quite enough
We get it

Two little Indian boys were walking home from the hunt, and the younger one asked the elder, "Black Bear Fishing, how do we get our names?" The elder boy looked at him and responded "When we are born and brought from our teepee to take the light of day, the first thing we see, that is our name. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

nice

After waking up from his midday nap, Harold Bloom called up a pizza place for his usual post-nap meal.
"Hello, this is renowned literary critic Harold Bloom," he said. "I would like to place an order for delivery."
"Go ahead, sir."
"Thank you," Bloom paused for effect, an old lecturing instinct. "May I get one large pepperoni pizza, and also one large black olives and onion? Oh, and also one two-liter of Coke."
"We only have Pepsi products, sir. Is Pepsi okay?"
Bloom sighed, the same as he did upon his 4283rd reading of Blake's America, realizing it just didn't do it for him anymore.
"Yes, I suppose that's fine."
"Okay, sir. We have your address on file, and the total is $25.38 after tax. Someone will be there in, I'd say, 45 minutes."
"Yes, very good," Bloom said. "Thank you again."
The line clicked and Bloom stood there a moment. He slowly placed the phone back on the wall and went to his favorite armchair.

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
the bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre
And the bartender gives it to her

The Jerk store called and they're running out of YOU!

R-really?
I must be popular then...

Jordan Beep Eaterson

You fucking cur, you pitiful swine, you stole that joke from one of my posts

is it a little solipsistic in here? or is it just me?

Whats the difference between a black guy and a dog shit??

After two weeks a dog shit turns white and stops stinking....

Niiiiice

>"He has a disease. He has a disease where that's what his face looks like."
I think about this a lot and it always makes me laugh.

Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

and he says just put it on my bill

>what if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about

"Not religious enough?! Jesus Christ! I went to church every goddamned Sunday!"

>He has a disease. He has a disease where that's what his face looks like

Was this joke in the book/film Wonder?

But the bill doesn't get it

You'd better zip that hick mouth of yours up or you're really going to get it

"If he be Mr. Hyde" he had thought, "I shall be Mr. Seek."

- Mr. Utterson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I really like multi-language jokes

actually, my favorite joke is this little Polish-Russian joke:
"Ciężkie czasy", said a Soviet soldier coming down from the city hall's tower.

Cry are I

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train.

I'd gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of biscuits I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee and packet of biscuits.

There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird.

What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with.

There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your biscuits.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . .

But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, Nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened.

I took out a biscuit for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another biscuit.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this.

When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight biscuits, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one.

Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my biscuits.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

well done

i dont get it

laughing harder than I should

Same.

Might be related to
>What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
>Nacho cheese

reddit

For all you yanks who have no clue what The Guardian is:

It's a sanctimonious crypto-Marxist rag that has in the last five years descended into utter self-parody, and is now suitable only for lining the floor of an incontinent parrot's cage.

An American dies and goes to hell. Satan himself shows him around. They pass a large cauldron. The American peers in. It’s full of suffering souls, burning in hot pitch. As they struggle to leave the pot, low-ranking devils, sitting on the rim, pitchfork them back in. The American is properly shocked. Satan says, “That’s where we put sinful Englishmen.” The tour continues. Soon the duo approaches a second cauldron. It’s slightly larger, and slightly hotter. The American peers in. It is also full of suffering souls, all wearing berets. Devils are pitchforking would-be escapees back into this cauldron, as well. “That’s where we put sinful Frenchmen,” Satan says. In the distance is a third cauldron. It’s much bigger, and is glowing, white hot. The American can barely get near it. Nonetheless, at Satan’s insistence, he approaches it and peers in. It is absolutely packed with souls, barely visible, under the surface of the boiling liquid. Now and then, however, one clambers out of the pitch and desperately reaches for the rim. Oddly, there are no devils sitting on the edge of this giant pot, but the clamberer disappears back under the surface anyway. The American asks, “Why are there no demons here to keep everyone from escaping?” Satan replies, “This is where we put the Russians. If one tries to escape, the others pull him back in.”

No!
He's stretching his legs

All good humor is spontaneous and situational. One-size-fits-all "jokes" are reddit-tier.

He was in northern Canada

A poor, american jewish man decides to send his irreligious son to Israel in order to give him a sense of his faith. He gathers his savings and waves the boy goodbye. But, to his shock, when the boy returns, he announces that he has become christian.
Bewildered by this, the poor jewish man goes to see a learned friend. The jewish man tells his friend: "Moshe, something very strange happened to me. I sent my son to Israel and he came back a christan." Moshe's eyes open wide with surprise as he answers: "You won't believe this, but just the same thing happened to me. I sent my young son to Israel to make him a good jew, and he came back christian."
The two friends can't make heads or tails of their confusion and eventually decide to visit their rabbi about it. They arrive at the rabbi's office and are let in. Approaching the venerable, old rabbi's desk, they immediately begin to explain their predicament. "Rabbi, we sent our sons to Israel to strengthen their faith, and both of them came back Christian. What are we to do?"
At first, the rabbi remains silent, only to then let shake his head and give his answer: "You won't believe this, but the same thing happened to me. My son Ishmael went to the Holy Land to study the Torah, a year later he returned and had become a christian." Their confusion now total, the three decide to pray. They recite a prayer and tell God what happened to them.
"Lord, help us. The three of us sent our sons to Israel, only to see them return as Christians. What have we done to deserve this?"
Suddenly, to their surprise, a blinding light fills the room, and an ear-shatteringly loud voice speaks to them: "You won't believe this...."

sorry for bad inglish

2nd user got it

It's a variant of the "nacho cheese" joke but doesn't change the correct part of the punchline

feels like a classic joke

What's the difference? You're their all time best seller!

Stored for future use

underrated

better translation would be
"tough times" - soviet soldier said taking clock from the tower

*dies*

I remember reading this and rolling my eyes, kek.

No. It was in a fanfiction. One of the characters almost fucking melted and he was saved, but he was just...rendered temporarily retarded while everything rebooted, so to speak. He was just sitting there, staring at the people across from him and one asked if there was something wrong with him, and that was the reply from his frustrated compatriot.

Why did the scarecrow win the award?
Because he was outstanding in his field

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan all board a small plane. It's a trans-continental flight, heading over the ocean, and soon enough each has fallen asleep. Soon, they're all horrified to awake to a horrible crunching sound, and they can feel the plane's altitude dropping. The captain tells them that they're running into some engine trouble, and will need to offload all of the luggage if they want to survive. Even after they've done this, however, there's still too much weight, and the men know that the only way anyone will live is if someone sacrifices themself. The Englishman steps up. He walks to the door, makes one final declaration of "God Save the Queen!" and then jumps.

The other men are saddened, but have little time to mourn as not long after one of the plane's engines goes out completely, and another man will have to jump. This time it's the Frenchman. He walks to the door, yells "Vive la France!" and jumps.

Again the plane's engines begin to fail and now the Texan walks to the door. With all the strength in his body he shouts, "Remember the Alamo!" and then he grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door.

A german, a mexican and an american are working at a construction site. Everyday for lunch they get the same thing: the german gets a würstsemmel, the mexican gets tamales and the american gets a bologna sandwich.
One day, the german says to the other two: "if I get würstsemmel again, I'm going to kill myself."
"Well," says the mexican, "if I get tamales again, I'll kill myself!"
"Same here," says the american, "If I get a bologna sandwich again, I'll kill myself too!"

The next day, the german gets a würstsemmel and kills himself. The mexican gets tamales and kills himself and the american gets a bologna sandwich and kills himself.

At their funerals, the german's wife cries: "Oh, if only I'd given him something other than a würstsemmel!"
The mexican's wife cries: "Oh, if only I'd given him something other than tamales!"
Everyone turns to the american's wife, who is standing there, dry eyed. She shrugs and says: "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

Haha, we had this same joke when I was a kid, but it was a Blonde joke. Almost feminist to suggest that blonde stupidity was not a single-gender trait

ah, well, I heard it in german first. german's don't really... have blond jokes?

a priest, a rabbi, and a blue whale walk into a bar. the priest says "I accept Jesus as my lord and savior". The rabbi says "Jesus may have been real but he wasn't the messiah." The blue whale says "AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGH"

Hard to say, but I suspect blonde jokes are an American invention to sanitize race jokes for kids

The last man on earth walks into a bar
Says "I'd like another bartender, please"

postmodernism strikes again

A man walks into a café and asks for a coffee without cream. The barista says, “sorry, we’re out of cream, can I offer you a coffee without milk instead?”

this one got me

There are in fact so many German jokes centered around the stereotype that blonde women are stupid that there is a word describing that category: Blondinenwitze.

Yes. That's called translation, you dumbshit.

I have one of those "rich eccentric uncles" and I have to say it's not nearly as fun as you'd imagine. The gifts are generally useless or require huge hoops to jump through. There was one time in particular where it was just horrible. He'd gotten it into his head to build the longest pool in the world. So he gets his architects and contractors together and he builds a pool that's literally a mile long. And that wouldn't be so bad, except, being the crazy bastard he is, he decides to "spice it up"

So he fills the pool with fish. Not just any fish, though. Fish with teeth, fish spikes, fish that shoot electricity. It's an aquarium of misery, and then my uncle gathers the whole family together, everyone anywhere along the family tree as far extended as he can find. There are hundreds of people gathered. And he makes an announncement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I daresay I've built quite an imposing pool, and for that reason I'd like to offer a contest. The first person who can swim the length of this thing will get one of three rewards: a million dollars, half my land, or my daughter's hand in marriage!"

Well, no sooner does he finish talking than there's a splash at one end of the pool. Some young guy is bobbing about, I have no idea who he is, but he gets his bearing and he starts swimming. It's brutal. He's attacked constantly, and I'm not afraid to tell you there are a few times I really didn't think he was going to make it. But finally he reaches the other end. Bruised, battered, beaten and bloodied, he pulls himself out. My Uncle goes to meet him.

"Son, I gotta tell you I'm damn impressed. So what was it you wanted? Million bucks?"
"No, sir"
"Half my land?"
"No, sir"
"Aahhhh, you want my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Uh, no. No, I do not want that."
"Well those were the three things I offered, I don't know what to say. Alright kid, if you could have anything in the world, what would it be?"
"Sir, if I could have anything in the world, I would kill to have the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in back there."

I was clarifying that there are blonde jokes in German because these posters were unsure if they existed.
In no way was I referring to the fact that you translated the joke, nice reading comprehension

And I'm telling you that just because they have a word for it, doesn't mean that it's because they have blond jokes. Blondinenwitze is a direct translation of Blond jokes. Obviously they've been translated, but blond jokes aren't inherently german, you moron.

Not a joke necessarily, but the part in The Gambler when the grandmother rolls into the casino and trashes everyone.

There is a difference between the questions "Do blonde jokes exist in Germany" and "Did Germans invent blonde jokes". I answered the former and I'm not a scholar in the field of humor, so I can't say anything intelligent concerning the latter. I can tell you a blonde joke that includes a pun in German, which would point towards it being a German invention (and I only mean this particular joke), but I don't find that one very funny.

ok i laughed

An anxious paranoid irrational irrational left-wing academic conservative confused Christian apologetic Jungian walks into 2017 and finds himself carried to the right winged cultural center stage and father figure of skeptics in an abrasive defiant atheist social media tribe

not a joke but when Ferdinand is describing the biologists in journey i laughed like a hyena for a few minutes

Kek

You could've just said it's a British newspaper

That part in the trial where K. is coming out of his apartment and facing a woman and Kafka writes something to the effect of "when he came outside he gave the impression that he was about to assault her" that had me dying