What is the greatest copypasta of all time?

This. GOAT

John was Chad before Chad was a meme

Yeah, I actually read the whole thing because I had to. I was entering a prestigious PhD program and focusing on Joyce because I loved Dubliners, Portrait, and Ulysses. To my shame, though, I'd never read the Wake. I'd never even tried, as hard as that was to admit. It was this huge blind spot and area of vulnerability for me. Whenever it'd come up with my colleagues I'd just smile and nod, smile and nod, hoping they wouldn't ask me anything specific about it. "The musicality of it," somebody would say, and I'd say, "Oh God, yes, it's like Beethoven." Finally, though, I had to dive into it, and let me tell you it was tough going. Joseph Campbell's guide helped a lot. Reading it out loud helped. I listened to other people read it, read online commentaries. Eventually it started to make some sort of sense. It was like I was learning to read for the first time again, and in a way this was enjoyable. I got better at reading the book. Soon I was reading entire paragraphs without trouble, getting the puns, laughing at the jokes. I could sort of follow the story, it was like a blurry picture resolving into clarity, or like I was drunk and I was sobering up, I could actually understand it. As I became more and more adept at reading the Wake, I began putting myself to the test, initiating conversations with my colleagues about it, but specific passages this time, specific parts of the book. You can probably guess what happened. After a number of these conversations it became blindingly obvious that I understood the book a lot better than they did, they who I thought were the experts. It eventually became sort of embarrassing for them and I stopped trying to talk about it. And at the end of the day I would pack my things, catch the bus home, and settle into my apartment to read the Wake. It had surpassed all of Joyce's other works in my estimation. Ulysses, the book months earlier I would've named as my favorite of all time, the best book ever written was now #2 to the Wake. So majestic, so ambitious, so wide-ranging, erudite, glorious, incredible was it that I couldn't believe that it was the work of one man. Best of all, the heart of it isn't complicated at all. What did I get from the Wake, what are its lessons? First of all, be yourself. Second of all, put one foot in front of the other. And lastly, just do it for crying out loud, time's a wastin'!

I still remember seeing this on /b/ for the first time and becoming enraged

For me, it's the Navy Seal copypasta

sneed

10/10

Sasha. The porn star.

>mudkips

yoooooo blast from the passed man

...

Pynchons my fav writer for sure because my fav thing in books is goofs, gags, jokes and rambunctious behavior, and his books are full to the brim of it. Every novel is like one of those novelty snake cans, you open the book & POP you get a face fulla snakes and you fall back cackling. The mad mind, the crack genius, to do it! and then you think hmmm whats he gonna do next, this trickster, and you pick the book back up and BZZZZZZZZZZ you get a shock and Hahahahahah you've been pranked again by the old pynchmeister, that card. "Did that Pynch?" he says, laughing yukyukyukyuk. Watch him as he shoves a pair of plastic buck teeth right up into his mouth and displays em for you- left, right, center- "you like dese? Do i look handsome???" Pulls out a mirror. "Ah!" Hand to naughty mouth. And you're on your ass again laughing as he snaps his suspenders, exits stage right, and appears again hauling a huge golden gong.

Listen you fucking disgusting 1 bit whore (I call yo 1 bit and not two bit because women only have 1 bit that matters, their loose little cunt, yours is so loose that a slight tug would see it come off your body altogether but I digress)-

This is a fucking BOYS CLUB. A FUCKING LADS BAR. A FUCKING SOCIETY OF SANDWICH EATERS. A BAND OF FUCKING BROTHERS, A BAND OF FUCKING BLOKES, AND A BAND OF BIG TOUGH BASTARDS, WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT WOMEN ENOUGH TO EVEN FUCKING FUCK THEM, LET ALONE FUCKING SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO THEM WHINE ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T BELONG HERE AND NEVER FUCKING WILL.

You are not welcome here. Nobody wants you here. You come to this board and what do you see? Men discussing the ACHIEVEMENTS OF MEN. Nobody has ever come to this board and made a thread a female for anything other than mocking and laughing. We talk about men here. We worship men here. We praise men. We are inspired by men. I don't want to hear your fucking Muculent cunt lips slapping together, still trying to get down the last of the cum that some fucking back alley stick waving iceman shot over them. No. I want to talk Pynchon, or Joyce, or Homer, or Hegel. You know what all these men have in common? They fuck women. But they hate women. I hate women. Veeky Forums hates woman. I know that as I type this I have all of Veeky Forums standing behind me, chucking their penises into the air in triumph, as we say

FUCK OFF WOMEN
FUCK OFF YOU WHORE
FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING BITCH
YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.
STAND BEHIND ME MY BROTHERS.

Veeky Forums, how do I deal with my brainlet family members talking in phrases they don't understand?

A few weeks ago I used the phrase 'intellectually dishonest' around my parents. They had never heard this before somehow and now they are OBSESSED with using it in every possible context. Some examples

>Had a really big shit in the toilet
>Dad goes in after me
>'AWW GOD SON. WHAT A SMELL. THAT SMELL IS INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST'
>winks at me and goes to shit

>Mom makes dinner
>Asks if I liked it
>I say yes
>She says 'IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT THAT WOULD BE INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST'

>Dog won't sit down
>Dad shouts at it
>'DANG IT YOU ARE BEING ONE INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST LITTLE DOGGY'

I think they are doing it because they feel I am 'smart' (I am not that smart myself) and they want to 'connect' with me by using a smart sounding phrase. They sometimes come into my room uninvited and start a conversation where they use the phrase at least 5 times every 10 sentances, for example my dad burst in whilst I was reading and started pointing at the book and saying 'I'VE HEARD THIS ONE IS INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST , PAGE 111 IS INTELLECTUALLY DISHONEST'. It was a fucking Italian language textbook ffs

How do I make this stop? I need to explain their misuse without angering them

Haha, how can autism be used as an insult? Only an ignorant cunt would use autism as an insult. (And there's nothing I hate more than ignorance)

Autism is a gift in my case, I have an IQ of over 150 which makes me technically a genius thanks to my autism. I've been going through school all my life being bored out of my fucking brains getting at least 95% on all my tests (and all the incorrect answers were silly mistakes ) because I'm just too fucking smart for school I can't wait for everyone else to learn someting I already knew within the first day or too of being taught it. Every year I scored the best of my year on these stupid multiple choice tests we do and the headmaster came to my class to tell me that, which obviously resulted in being called a 'nerd' which is true but I shouldn't be ridiculed for it.

I recently became home educated so I could learn at my own pace and I'm getting my GCSEs done 1/4 of the time everyone else has to do it in, I'm also doing more than double the average amount of GCSEs that usually would be done.

I used to get paid 30 dollars an hour working online, which is more than the teach assistants at my old school earned, it was so fun pointing that out to them.

So, in conclusion, calling someone autistic is not an insult, in my case, it makes me highly gifted.

One more, thing, I don't know if this has anything to do with my autism but I am a sociopath so I'm not hindered by irrational emotions like guilt, compassion, empathy etc.

haha, the most satisfying this is to know that you will all see this as a waste of a natural gift that I am undeserving hahaha, that brings me great satisfaction.

I'm practically perfect, let the jealousy flow through you.

You talentless piece of shit. You disgusting fucking lout. Goddamn you, you disgust me. Your trite little sentences, your misinterpretation of history, you are literally just a Peterson loving fuck aren't you? You alt-right scumbag. I hope you invest alot of time into writing. I hope you don't choose a fall back career. I hope that you stick with writing until the bitter end, all so that at the moment of death it will all come to you how futile and worthlessly banal your work is. I am not bitter at all, I am merely stating objective facts. You want to track my IP? Go ahead fuck face, go ahead. I'm ready for you. 67.236.172.188. Go ahead loser, go ahead you John Green loving fuck. Track me. I want you to. I want you to track me. I want you to find me. I want to see your sniveling miserable face you little shit. Killing me won't solve the fact that you have no talent, that you're dry, that your mind is a limp penis. Go ahead, fuckface. I dare you.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo

Is there a character that could even possiblyEVENTOUCHMadara Uchiha? Let alone defeat him. And I’m not talking about Edo Tensei Uchiha Madara. I’m not talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara either. Hell, I’m not even talking about Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukuyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano’o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’sDNAimplanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu.

I’m also not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’sDNAand face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind himAFTERhe absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I’m definitelyNOTTalking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’sDNAimplanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu and having eaten Popeye’s spinach. I’m talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Legendary Super Saiyan 4 Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with his Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand.

The one about the teacher and the student, original one.

How do you recognise a foundation myth? It fulfils three functions.

1)It explains the origin and structure of the world (and society).
2)It defines ultimate good and evil (and from those definitions are derived the values that are used to justify the holding of power).
3)It determines what is held sacred in that society.

For modern Westerners the story of WWII has become their foundation myth. It fulfils all three functions.

1)We live in the ‘Post-War World’. The lines on the map, the institutions, the sense of what era we live in, all arise from the starting point of WWII.

2)Ultimate evil is Nazis. Ultimate good is opposing Nazis. The values derived from these definitions are anti-racism, equality, diversity, anti-nationalism and so on.

3)The only thing that is held sacred, that cannot be denied or mocked in the contemporary West, is the Holocaust.

The problem is that all three functions are backwards or negative.

Instead of the origin event being one of fertility and new life, it was a conflagration of death and destruction.

Instead of ultimate good taking the central position in the story that slot is occupied by ultimate evil. Everyone knows that Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil, holds the centre point of the WWII story.

Instead of that which is held sacred being something mysterious and sublime it (the Holocaust) is an obscenity.

Having a negative foundation myth means the tree of life for Westerners is poisoned. People don’t realise it but the bounds of allowable thought and the orientation of ideas are all downstream from the myth of the society. As long as our understanding of who we are is determined by this negative foundation myth the only direction is down.

isn't the foundation myth of Jews are evil eternal demonic enemies and Aryans need to wage total war on them negative? isn't being bound to killing negative and being under attack negative? i feel as if whoever made this on Veeky Forums or /pol/ or the Phora originally was kind of a faggot sophist

What will be the foundation myth that'll arise out of the coming conflict in our society?

Is there a character that could even possibly EVEN TOUCH Madara Uchiha? Let alone defeat him. And I'm not talking about Edo Tensei Uchiha Madara. I'm not talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara either. Hell, I'm not even talking about Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukuyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano'o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu. I’m also not talking about Kono Yo no Kyūseishu Futarime no Rikudō Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan (which is capable of Enton Amaterasu, Izanagi, Izanami and the Tsyukuyomi Genjutsu), his two original Rinnegan (which grant him Chikushōdō, Shuradō, Tendō, Ningendō, Jigokudō, Gakidō, Gedō, Banshō Ten’in, Chibaku Tensei, Shinra Tensei, Tengai Shinsei and Banbutsu Sōzō) and a third Tomoe Rinnegan on his forehead, capable of using Katon, Fūton, Raiton, Doton, Suiton, Mokuton, Ranton, Inton, Yōton and even Onmyōton Jutsu, equipped with his Gunbai(capable of using Uchihagaeshi) and a Shakujō because he is a master in kenjutsu and taijutsu, a perfect Susano’o (that can use Yasaka no Magatama ), control of both the Juubi and the Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju’s DNA and face implanted on his chest, his four Rinbo Hengoku Clones guarding him and nine Gudōdama floating behind him AFTER he absorbed Senjutsu from the First Hokage, entered Rikudō Senjutsu Mode, cast Mugen Tsukuyomi on everybody and used Shin: Jukai Kōtan so he can use their Chakra while they are under Genjutsu. I'm definitely NOT Talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Super Saiyan 4 Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire after Alucard, able to tap into the speedforce, wearing the Kamen Rider Black RX suit and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he has mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kenjutsu and taijutsu and having eaten Popeye's spinach. I'm talking about sagemode sage of the six paths Juubi Jinchuuriki Gedou Rinne Tensei Legendary Super Saiyan 4 Uchiha Madara with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mystic Eyes of Death Perception, and Geass doujutsus, equipped with his Shining Trapezohedron while casting Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann as his Susanoo, controlling the Gold Experience Requiem stand, having become the original vampire af

>Mudkipz
God, 2006 was weird

>Remember seeing this in 2009
>Getting so mad
17 year old me was fuming

This desu

This is good for a fairly modern pasta.

SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME TO PAY THE ALIMONY
I AIN'T THE DARKEST GUY IN MY BED
I WAS LOOKING IN DESPAIR WITH MY FINGERS IN MY HAIR
AT MY WIFE AND HER BUCK FROM MY KEK SHED

WELL

THE BILLS START COMING AND THEY DON'T STOP COMING
STATEMENTS OVERDRAWN, CANNOT BE FORGIVEN
DIDN'T MAKE SENSE NOT TO GO INSANE
FUCKED MY SHIT UP NOW I'M IN EXTREME PAIN

TOO MUCH TO PAY
TOO MUCH IN DEBT
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH FLEEING TO CUBA

YOU'LL FOREVER KNOW IF YOU GET HITCHED
YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW 'CAUSE SHE'S A BITCH

HEY NOW

YOU'RE A HAS-BEEN
SHE BROKE YOU AND BETRAYED

HEY NOW

YOU'RE ALL WASHED UP
IN YOUR MISERY YOU'LL WADE

IF ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD
GIVE IT TO MY WIFE
TO BE SOOOLLDDDD

This one?

A Vandal magister with known Arian tendencies was holding a symposium in honour of Demophilus, a known schismatic.
"Before the toasts begin, you must get on your knees and worship God and accept that he was the most divine entity the ecumene has ever known, even greater than Christus whom he created!"

At this moment, a venerable Praepositus Limitis who had served on the frontiers for decades and understood the necessity of taming the Barbaricum and fully supported the creed promulgated by the great Constantinus rose from his couch and held up a crucifix.

"Who does this represent?"

The Rhenian cur smirked quite devilishly and smugly replied "the created child of an indivisible God"

"You miss the point. Jesus Christ our Dominus is of the same substance as God and thus equal to Him."

The heretic was visibly shaken, and dropped his wine krater and copy of Eusebius' Onomastikon. He stormed out of the banquet hall crying those laetus crocodile tears. The same tears Donatists and Priscillians cry for the "poor" (who today are so holy that saints vie to kiss their feet) as they flee Roman territory to the outrage-committing Bacaudae in Armorica. There is no doubt that at this point the "learned" Vandal wished he had studied the work of the Holy Apostles and become more than a ludicrous teacher of rhetoric. He wished so much that he had a spatha to disembowel himself with due to the shame but he had sold all the city's arms for Gaiseric's ransom pay!

The partygoers politely clapped and all ceased their apostasy that day and accepted Jesus as the true Son of God. An divine light suddenly shone into the room and blazed upon the bust of Augustine and the statue wept miraculously. The Nicene Creed was recited, and Jesus Monogenes himself descended and banished the barbarians to the hellish wastes beyond the limes.

The magister lost his tongue and was castrated the following day. He was exiled to Troesmis, far from from God's Light.

Praise Jesus Consubstantialis.

Waiting for this one, the real goat.

that's a false dichotomy, it's not a choice between a holocaust foundation myth and eternal jewish enemy foundation myth. there are plenty of non-abrahamic religions which aren't structured around ideas of persecution, resentment or vindictiveness
btw those negative core sentiments are obviously "good" in a sense because they've been more successful at propagating themselves. they're still morally reprehensible

depends on what kind of conflict, I guess.
ideally it should grow from the relationships of men who've evolved past master-slave morality.

Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows:

Pocket-protected scientists built a wall made of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors. They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond travelling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours. They rammed a wall made of metal into 400 miles an hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted earths orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards mid-western Prussia at 400 billion miles an hour. They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused over 10000 wayward planes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with over 10000 buildings in downtown New York. They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive. Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall travelling at miles per iron, and the result proved with out a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known to man.

trolling is a art

an horse is a athlete

A close reading of twentieth century history indicates, as nothing else can, the horrors that accompany loss of faith in the idea of the individual. It is only the individual, after all, who suffers. The group does not suffer -- only those who compose it. Thus, the reality of the individual must be regarded as primary, if suffering is to be regarded seriously. Without such regard, there can be no motivation to reduce suffering and therefore no respite. Instead, the production of individual suffering can and has and will be again rationalized and justified for its supposed benefits for the future and the group.

Was ist eigentlich der mieseste Job den es gibt?

Mein Vorschlag: Grillwalker.
Du musst 20 Kilo glühendes Blech auf dem Buckel und vor der Plauze tragen, während Du fühlst, wie sich deine Bandscheiben reihenweise ins Altersheim verabschieden und Deine Nackenmuskulatur zu Granit wird.

Dabei züngelt Dir der Fettgeruch von Thüringern um die Nüstern. Es sind keine guten Thüringer, sondern Glutamat getränkte Fleischabfälle, die Du für 1 Euro an das Passantenpack verscheuern musst.

Der ranzige Gestank geht nie wieder ab, auch nach dem Duschen nicht, weswegen Du keinen Schlag bei den Damen hast. Die riechen Deinen Job nämlich zehn Meilen gegen den Wind und wollen nichts mit solch einer armen Wurst zu tun haben.

Während Du am Alex herumstehst, stinkend, schwitzend, schmerzend, denkst Du darüber nach, was Du mit Deinem Schichtlohn von 50 Euro nachher wohl Schönes machen könntest. Dann fallen Dir die ganzen Rechnungen ein und die Antwort gleich dazu: Nichts. Ende des Monats wirst Du Dich wieder von übrig gebliebenen, pechschwarzen Krakauer Käsekrachern ernähren müssen, weil das Geld vorne und hinten nicht reicht.

Du siehst die Passanten, sie grinsen, mitleidig. Du bist die ärmste Wurst in Mitte, und alle wissen es, alle sehen es. Ein Blitz. Das war jetzt der zehnte oder zwanzigste Tourist, der Dich heute fotografiert hat ...

Chad is an African country, in case you didnt know.

I saw Thomas Pynchon at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.

it's a fucking story. I hate this place

Replace Milky Ways with kazoos and you're golden

Based.

The marine and brap pastas still give me a chuckle tbqh

>tfw this was me
What does this say about someone's personality?

Navy SEAL and electrical infetterence pastas. I love how versatile they are, and have already gone past the "beating with a dead horse" phase so you can always drop a contextual pasta in any given thread for shits and giggles. Lately there's been a semen demon/jezebel pasta which is pretty good.

He's right, you know.

pfhahahaah

YOU RELLY NEED TO STOPP NOW.. YOUR ALL JUST JEALOUS COZ HE WAS LOVED BY ALOT OF PEOPLE ND YOUR A WORTHLESS PiECE OF SHiT ND TRUST ME YOU DNT WANT US TO FiND YOU COZ TRUST ME YOULL HAVE TO BE HOSPiTALiZED.. GET A LiFE SCUMBAGS =]

ENVISUALISE

Moй бaтя eбaшит вooбщe aдoвыe блюдa. Hy тaкoй вoт пpимepнo peцeпт ycpeднeнный, пoтoмy чтo вapиaций мacca. Бepeтcя cyп, oн нe гpeeтcя, гpeть — этo нe пpo мoeгo бaтю. Oн бepeт этo cyп, вывaливaeт eгo нa cкoвopoдy и нaчинaeт жapить. Дoбaвляeт в нeгo oгpoмнoe кoличecтвo лyкa, чecнoкa, пepцa чepнoгo и кpacнoгo MУКИ! для вязкocти, тoмaтнaя пacтa cвepхy. Bce этo жapитcя дo дымa. Пoтoм cнимaeтcя c oгня и ocтyжaeтcя нa бaлкoнe. Пoтoм бaтя зaнocит и щeдpo пoлив мaйoнeзoм нaчинaeт ecть. Пpи этoм ecт co cкoвopoды шкpябaя пo нeй лoжкoй. Ecт и пpигoвapивaeт пoлyшeпoтoм yх бля. Пpи этoм y нeгo нa лбy aж пoт выcтyпaeт. Любeзнo мнe инoгдa пpeдлaгaeт, нo я oткaзывaюcь. Haдo ли гoвopить o тoм кaкoй дичaйший пepдeж пoтoм? Boнищa тaкaя, чтo oбoи oт cтeн oтклeивaютcя.

Кoгдa мнe былo 15 лeт, и я хoдил cpaть бятя вcё вpeмя кaк-бы нeвзнaчaй кpyтилcя вoзлe тoлчкa, и вcё cпpaшивaл, чтo ты тaм зaтих, пoчeмy тeбя нe cлышнo? пepвый paз я нe oтвeтил, тaк oн нaчaл лoмитьcя в двepь, и opaть, чтo ты тaм мoлчишь, чтo c тoбoй? нaчaл мaтepитьcя, и гoвopить, чтo вooбщe двepь c пeтeль cнимeт, aлco, бaтя pyгaлcя, ecли я cpy и нe cмывaю, пpичём нe пpocтo вкoнцe cpaния, a нeпocpeдcтвeннo пocлe вылeзaния кaкaшки, мoтивиpoвaл этo тeм, чтo вoняeт, и caм пoтoм мнe гoвopил: вoт я кaкнy и cмывaю, и ты тaк дeлaй! oднaжды я cpaть ceл, и cлышy, бaтя гдe-тo y двepи вcтaл в oтдaлeнии, нy я жoпy вытep, и нa пoл нaкapaчики пpиceл, a тaм щeль oчeнь шиpoкaя cнизy y двepи, нy я в щeль и cмoтpю, a тaм бaтя нa кapaчикaх cидит и в щeль cмoтpит, и мнe гoвopит: ты чё? eбaнyтый? чё ты тaм дeлaeшь? бaтя кcтaти вcё вpeмя кaкиe-тo тpaвы пьёт, чтoбы cpaть чacтo, cpёт пo 5 paз в дeнь, a пoтoм гoвopит, чтo жoпy жжёт, и eщё пepдит oн. пиздeц кopoчe! peaльнaя иcтopия. я нe тpoлль

How come Veeky Forums is so ideologically submissive? Are you guys reading the wrong books or something?

I can't believe so many of you guys have jobs, pursue women, enjoy travelling etc. It's perplexing. Why do you invest so much in External Reality (TM)?

I denounced all idealogical demands years ago. I don't have a job, I don't have a sleeping schedule. I rarely bathe. I soil my underwear. I eat whatever I want whenever I want. I only communicate via written notes and angry grunting sounds. I haven't left the house since New Years eve except to take out the garbage. I recognize innate racial hierarchy. I recognize the indelible differences between males and females which make males superior. I am an elitist, and understand that a large percentage of any given population will consist of irredeemably dull and dim-witted cattle-like creatures. I acknowledge suicide is the only aesthetic and intellectual way to die. My diet is unpredictable and uncommon, having transcended ideological restraints in this area; for breakfast today I ate seven bananas dipped in whiskey. I have no friends. No girlfriend. No religion. No national bias. My mommy only tends my needs due to her being an animal-like being whose natural maternal instincts have not been eradicated (as my own familial instincts have been) by a profound genius of which she is obviously incapable. I spent most of each day in a semi-conscious state in bed, pierced occasionally by some sharp insight about existence which forces me to close my eyes and wait for my spleen to pass. I barely get dressed in the summer months. I only read books that are either under 200 pages in length or over 650 pages in length. Most of the books I read are hostile to life and the concept of living; many advocate suicide as a philosophical ideal. I have read over 45 books about World War 2 military history, and spend much of my time daydreaming about serving in the Nazi high command and directing their invasion of Europe and elsewhere. I have long dismissed music and film as inferior art forms and refuse to experience either. I wake mostly at night. My fatigue is so overwhelming at times that in order to navigate the house I simply crawl or drag my lower body from room to room. I weigh 278 pounds and I plan on expanding even further. My mommy claims she doesn't recognize me at times and when I explain in a consciously patronizing and demeaning tone that the concept of a consistent existential self is a myth borne out of our intuitive desire to comprehend our experience in the simplest terms, she shouts at me and cries but eventually apologizes and provides me with another meal. I am beyond alive. I meet all the criteria required of Nietzsche's proposed Ubermensch. There is nothing in the external world capable of shifting my ideological position, which is itself founded on ironic nothingness.

Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn’t take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It’s clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother’s mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake

For me, it’s the McChicken. The best fast food sandwich. I even ask for extra McChicken sauce packets and the staff is so friendly and more than willing to oblige.

One time I asked for McChicken sauce packets and they gave me three. I said, “Wow, three for free!” and the nice friendly McDonald’s worker laughed and said, “I’m going to call you 3-for-free!”.

Now the staff greets me with “hey it’s 3-for-free!” and ALWAYS give me three packets. It’s such a fun and cool atmosphere at my local McDonald’s restaurant, I go there at least 3 times a week for lunch and a large iced coffee with milk instead of cream, 1-2 times for breakfast on the weekend, and maybe once for dinner when I’m in a rush but want a great meal that is affordable, fast, and can match my daily nutritional needs.

I even dip my fries in McChicken sauce, it’s delicious! What a great restaurant.

For me, it’s the McChicken. The best fast food sandwich. I even ask for extra McChicken sauce packets and the staff is so friendly and more than willing to oblige.

One time I asked for McChicken sauce packets and they gave me three. I said, “Wow, three for free!” and the nice friendly McDonald’s worker laughed and said, “I’m going to call you 3-for-free!”.

Now the staff greets me with “hey it’s 3-for-free!” and ALWAYS give me three packets. It’s such a fun and cool atmosphere at my local McDonald’s restaurant, I go there at least 3 times a week for lunch and a large iced coffee with milk instead of cream, 1-2 times for breakfast on the weekend, and maybe once for dinner when I’m in a rush but want a great meal that is affordable, fast, and can match my daily nutritional needs.

I even dip my fries in McChicken sauce, it’s delicious! What a great restaurant.

fuck

>tfw even your parents know you're a pseud
"Instant classic"
>not posting the far superior bane version
Kafka/10
Sherlock/10
2weeb4me
really made me think :^)

that was awesome
danke mein freund

That they're homosexual

Did anyone copy that one Peirce poster from the tapir thread? Where they explained that "gretty boud" was actually a very sophisticated meme that you need to understand all kinds of things to get.

underrated

does anybody have the one about Derrida deconstructing the Colosseum?

warosu.org/lit/thread/S10798693#p10803030

On /pol/ or /tv/, that could have flown. Could have impressed a few passersby. On Veeky Forums? Our shitposting levels are a little high. We've got strict standards, see. Writers and the like. It's all or nothing around here, kid. You're in or you're out. Judging by your post? You're out. With my help? Hell, let's just say I can get you in. I've got experience in these things. A whole arsenal of experience. I've got experience up to my sleeves. Hell, let's all or /tv/, that could have impressed a few passersby. On Veeky Forums? Our shitpost? You're out. Judging around here, kid. You're in the like. It's just say I can get you're out. Judging levels are a little high. We've got standards, see. Writers and the like. It's just say I can get you're out. Judging by you're out. With my help? Hell, let's all or /tv/, that could have flown. Could have impressed a few passersby. On /pol/ or /tv/, that could have impressed a few passersby. On /pol/ or you're out. On /little around have flown. Could have flown. It's just standards, see. I've impressersby. On /little high. With my sleeves. On /pol/ or /tv/, that could here, kid. You're out. Writersby. On /little high. With my help? Hell, let's all of experience up to my help? Hell, let's all or you in things. On /pol/ or /tv/, the like. I've got strict say I can get you in these that could have got experience impressers andards, see. I've got experience up to my help? Hell, let's just standards, see. It's arse

WHY?! WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO WITH THESE JEZEBELS? My one single wish is to be left to my own asexual devices, free from the thorned grip of perverse tempation, unclouded or swayed in my noble search for intellectual playthings of the mind, yet by your hand I am endlessly titillated by these vixens with their prodigious hips and provocative figures. Can I never satiate this thirst, will I ever know the touch of a woman and enter between her loins? Will these hands ever feel a woman's swaying weight in their open palms? Will I ever know a plump, ruby pair of lips perched betwixt my shoulder and my ear, whispering "I want you, I want you now" in that chocolatey croon I know so well from dreamtime? Will my seed ever drip from her moistened hole, indicating the completed unity of our unhinged sexual impulses?

Life is a constant hell. Day in and out the tired red eyes glaze in some attempt to shield me from these images. I am floating in the blistering heat of my id's vacuum, castrated and blinded by my wretched libido. No wonder I resent women so.

The fact that so many books still name the Beatles as "the greatest or most significant or most influential" rock band ever only tells you how far rock music still is from becoming a serious art. Jazz critics have long recognized that the greatest jazz musicians of all times are Duke Ellington and John Coltrane, who were not the most famous or richest or best sellers of their times, let alone of all times. Classical critics rank the highly controversial Beethoven over classical musicians who were highly popular in courts around Europe. Rock critics are still blinded by commercial success. The Beatles sold more than anyone else (not true, by the way), therefore they must have been the greatest. Jazz critics grow up listening to a lot of jazz music of the past, classical critics grow up listening to a lot of classical music of the past. Rock critics are often totally ignorant of the rock music of the past, they barely know the best sellers. No wonder they will think that the Beatles did anything worthy of being saved.

I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you’re referring to as Linux, is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux. Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.
Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called “Linux”, and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project. There really is a Linux, and these people are using it, but it is just a part of the system they use.
Linux is the kernel: the program in the system that allocates the machine’s resources to the other programs that you run. The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the so-called “Linux” distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux.

BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP

This one is wonderful :

A modernist protestant evangelical pastor-professor and contraceptives advocate was teaching a class on Martin Luther, known heretic. ”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Luther and accept that the five solas are divine commandments, even greater than the 255 Dogmas!”

At this moment, a brave, traditionalist, monarchist Catholic soldier of Christ who had said over 15,000 Rosaries and understood the necessity of Apostolic Succession and supported all the dogmatic pronouncements of the ecumenical councils and the Supreme Pontiff stood up and held a Bible.
”Who wrote this book, pinhead?”
The arrogant pastor smirked quite heretically and smugly replied “God did, you statue-worshipping papist.”
”Wrong. The Sacred Authors, under the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, dictated Holy Writ from their own historical perspectives and Mother Church collected these books under the direction of that same Holy Ghost. If sola scriptura, as you say, is true, then the Bible entered the world ex-nihilo (which means ‘from nothing’ for you non-Latin casuals), which is what the infidel Muslims say about their stupid Koran.”

The pastor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Joel Osteen. He stormed out of the room crying those apostate modernist tears. The same tears modernists cry for the “Jews” (who today live in such luxury that they’re allowed to practice usury). There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Martin Jack “Chick” Calvin, wished he had read more of the Church Fathers and classical biblical exegesis. He so wished he had a tradition of apologetics to rebut the Catholic student with, but he had declared all tradition fallible and man-made!
The students applauded and all registered for RCIA that day and accepted the Pope as the legitimate successor of Saint Peter. An eagle named “Doctrine” flew into the room and perched atop the Papal States flag and
shed a tear on the chalk. The Oath Against Modernism was read several times, and Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke showed up and celebrated the Extraordinary Form of the Mass.
The pastor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He converted to Catholicism and received Last Rites as he died of embarrassment, and was tossed into purgatory until such time as his soul was clean of sin.

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perhaps

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Can somebody post the Dan Brown one?

I'm sorry, but did the Chargers already lose? Oh, that's right. The game isn't even over yet. In fact, it's only halftime. Does not having the lead at halftime count as a loss? Is that what you're saying? Because if you're saying that I can assure you that you're wrong. Why would you make this topic when the game is still on? The Chargers are still playing right now and they have been the best team in the AFC West for how many years now? They're playing one of the worst teams in the NFL who just happen to have a lead because they're feeding off the energy of playing in a Monday Night Game. But you know what? They still fucking suck. The Chargers are one of the best fucking teams in the NFL, they went 13-3 last year and would of won the Super Bowl if the kicker didn't choke. Maybe you should shut the fuck up before you make retarded topics like this. You know why? Because you're going to be embarrassed when the Chargers wins and someone bumps this topic. Oh look at that, the Chiefs just stepped out of bounds short of the 1st down when they needed to get one, just like the Jets did. Are you a fucking drunk? Are you retarded? Are you autistic? You are a fucking idiot and you should never make a topic on this board again and I'm fucking serious. I almost have a feeling you're the only guy making all these anti-Chargers topics because you're a faggot hater who doesn't like the team because they're good. Fuck you, be good at something in YOUR life and then maybe try to troll these fucking teams on the board, like I give a fuck. It's so easy to spot out your threads now, you're a retard. Always doing stupid shit like this. Why don't you try to be a good poster? Just for once? For once in your fucking life try not to make a topic like this. That's just you, you're always right at getting it wrong. Fuck you. You are nothing.

I made a Schopenhauer version of this, and I can't fucking find it.

im embarrassed to say I know what year this was made

Haven’t seen a diamond metal thread in fucking ages, I’d forgotten about them.

I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you’re referring to as slavs, are in fact, ruthenians/eastern germanic descendants of kievan rus, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, east nordids.

Slavs are not a race unto itself, but rather another component of the ethnogenesis of the scandinavian norse germanic people from the migration of the peoples and onward, made historically relevant by the kievan rus settlements in Gardariki by the norsemen who traveled down the Volga and founded both Russia and Ukraine before being christianized by the byzantine empire.

Many eastern germanics speak the artifical glagolithic church language invented by the greek monk Cyrill, which is where the term cyrillics stems from. Before that, they spoke old norse and revered pagan germanic gods.

All the so-called "slavs" are really descendants of eastern germanics. There is objectively no argument to be made against this historical fact.

Thanks for reading, and please refer to them as "eastern germanics" next time you make a "slav" post.

This isn't even that bad in a conceptual sense

>mfw americans call chocolate globbernaughts “candy bars”

>mfw americans call motorized rollinghams “cars”

>mfw americans call Merry fizzlebombs “Fireworks”

>mfw americans call genocide ‘Thanksgiving’

>mfwn americans call wunderbahboxes a “PC”

>mfw americans call meat water “gravy”

>mfw americans call electro-rope “power cables”

>mfw americans call beef wellington ensemble with lettuce a "burger"

>mfw americans call fart tornados “bar mitzvahs”

>mfw americunts call Whimsy Flimsy Mark and Scribblers “pens”

>mfw americans call twisting plankhandles “Doorknobs”

>mfw americans call french toast “pussy bread”

>mfw americans call breaddystacks “sandwiches”

>mfw americans called their hoighty toighty tippy typers “keyboards”

>mfw americans call nutty-gum and fruit spleggings “peanut butter and jelly”

>mfw americans call an upsy stairsy the “escalator”

>mfwn americans call tossin’ the thimble in the tipper “Archiving the Thread”

>mfw americans call Montezuma’s Revenge “Water”

>mfw americans call wiggledy piggledy nobbledy wobs “Toes”

>mfw amercians call peepee friction pleasure “Sex”

>mfw americans call a pip pip gollywock a “Screwdriver”

>mfw americans call cold on the cob a "popsicle"

>mfw americans call a slippery dippery long mover a “Snake”

>mfw americans call cobblestone-clippity-clops “Roads”

>Work up the courage to go to an Animal Collective concert alone after reading a thread like this and people say no one cares if you're alone
>I turn up a couple minutes late
>As I walk into the event, the whole crowd turns to look at me
>One of them yells "HOLY SHIT, HE'S ALONE!"
>Whole event laughing hysterically as I take my seat
>Calls of "weirdo," "creeper," etc.
>Want to die
>After the concert, the entire audience mobs me in the hallway
>They start dancing in circles around me, chanting deliriously and laughing
>They start singing a nursery rhyme about how only virgins go to concerts alone and how I should kill myself
>I can't get away because they've joined hands and won't let me escape
>They start throwing their drinks and candy and stuff at me
>"HAHA LOOK AT THE LOSER GETTING STICKY"
>Security comes by
>They look mad but then they see me in the middle of the crowd
>One of them says "wait, did that fucker come here alone?"
>Security joins in, start using supersoakers to shoot artificial butter at me
>I'm lying in the fetal position sobbing at this point
>The dancing and chanting continues for over 13 hours
>I'm completely covered in soda, butter, and bits of candy
>Black guy goes "NIGGA LOOKS LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE!"
>Crowd finally disperses
>Panda Bear comes by
>Leans down, whispers in my ear "Never come here again"
>All I can do is whimper yes sir

>l motorized rollinghams
every fucking time

For a young man in the 21st century, J.K. Rowling embodies just about everything that he hates about his own mother, but can't outright say to her. An aging neoliberal single mother with an inflated sense of self-importance using twitter to cope with her increasing irrelevance. The sort of woman who hasn't seriously thought about any of her opinions, but feels the need to push them on to others and condescend to anybody who might think differently.

She is an archetype. Neither insightful nor funny nor controversial. She is a consummate mediocrity basking in the praise of similar mediocrities the world over who have projected their own aspirations on to her, satisfied that somebody like them is a billionaire. Her Christianity is an accessory. She takes everything that she's been taught by public school and daytime television and fashions a god out of it.

She conceives of public affairs in the nebulous terms of "love" and "hate". The fact that an action might fall outside of either of these two categories, or that something she deems "hateful" might in fact be the wiser choice has not occurred to her. Despite this, she is shockingly easy to bait into a bitter, spiteful rage. Furthermore, her generosity only extends as far as her personal comfort. At the end of the day, it's little more than virtue signalling and if social opinion undergoes some vast sweeping change then she'll fall in line.

In many ways, she's already missed the boat. Her brand of comfortable feminism has already fallen out of style. She just doesn't know it yet. The second wave man-hating sexual phobia that sees rape everywhere. Its frigidity is evident in her writing. Then the bizarre merger with proud slut queer positivity. The post-hoc declarations of characters' sexual proclivities. The rationalization of racial retconning. It's like she discovered a Harry Potter fan tumblr, followed a couple links, and incorporated whatever she saw, resulting in an incoherent schizophrenic worldview. That's probably exactly what happened.

Her name is fucking Joanne. Need I say more?

And one more thing. She has a surprisingly nice pair of tits that I'd really like to suck on.

She looks a lot like my own mother, but with nicer hair and way nicer tits. In fact, she's basically a more attractive version of my mother, which is great since the only thing that really held me back from fantasizing about my own mother is that she just wasn't good looking enough.

Rowling really seems like the kind of woman who'd suck her teenage son's dick. I mean it.

(CONTINUE)

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(CONTINUE)

She gets back from le ebin GIRLS NIGHT OUT XD!!! Plastered out of her mind from sipping too much shiraz or perhaps pinot grigio. Maybe she and THE GIRLS even passed around a blunt at Samantha's house. I always find it funny when Gen X women think they're being SO BAD smoking weed. Mouth full of the most expensive cheese available at Tesco and whatever crackers Georgia had to get rid of. She's cackling with laughter and sobbing as she lurches in through the front door. She has zero self-awareness when it comes to her emotions, but defends them with religious fervor.

Clumsily, she makes her way toward the living room where her son is playing video games. She sits down on his lap, suffocating him with her embrace and exhaling the stinking fumes of cheap wine right into his face. For a couple minutes, she rants about what a BITCH Leslie at the office is, before muttering the he's the only on who understands her. Briefly, she looks into his eyes, trembling all over. Then she locks her mouth with his and begins to kiss him passionately. At first he is paralyzed, but his mom is kind of hot and he'll probably never have another chance like this. He's thought about it before. He kisses back and before long she's between his legs, pawing at his penis like the cats she collects. She takes it in her mouth and sucks it like she's back in college. She's STILL GOT IT.

The next morning, she pretends not to remember anything, but blames him for the incident, finding subtle ways to punish him.

>epileptic retard brain
kek

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>go to big chain bookstore
>pick up Mein Kampf, Lolita, and The God Delusion
>waiting in line for ages
>light up a stogie
>start loudly chatting up old ladies and families in line next to me
>thumb through the expensive knick-knacks next to the checkout, knocking several onto the floor, and repeatedly tell my fellow line-goers to “look at all this horseshit”
>complain that there are too few cashiers per customer, allege that this is the fault of “kikes”
>finally reach the checkout
>array the books so their covers are all facing up
>toss them onto the counter in a radial formation, all facing directly at the cashier, a slightly overweight girl in her early 20s
>she looks down at them and pauses, her jaw dropping in disbelief as the fuhrer himself stares back up at her
>blow smoke into her face and ask “some kind of problem, toots?”
>she coughs and nervously stutters the name of the book, as if to verify that someone could ever purchase it intentionally
>“yeah” I reply, before placing my index finger on the cover of Lolita, and leaning across to her side of the counter
>“and this one’s about a pedophile”
>her face is now wan with shock and horror
>“oh my god,” she mutters
>“God’s dead, honey”
>everyone around us goes dead silent
>pick up the books and leave without paying
>no one even calls security

I became an avid reader like three months ago and I can't stop. I stopped watching tv and I don't spend much time on Veeky Forums anymore.

Here's how I did it.

-Remember the average person reads like zero books a year. If you read 5 pages a day, you are 5 pages above the average person

-Don't force yourself to read. Commit to read 5 pages a day. I swear after three days you'll feel like reading more and after a month or so you should be reading 50-100 pages a day for pleasure

-Read various books at the same time. When I grab a difficult book or one that makes me sleepy I grab another and switch. This should refresh your head. Keep them thematically different. I read economics and fiction.

-It isn't a race. Reading slowly won't make you sleepy that fast. Try to acknowledge what books are for you to read fast and which aren't.

-Buy the physical copies. When you get the books from your own money you'll feel the need to read them to avoid the feel of wasting your money.

-Start with books highly discussed here so you feel motivated to discuss.

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You know what? Fuck you. I’ve had it. I’ve tried to play nice. I’ve tried to laugh it off. But enough is enough. The Canada-hate thing is getting old. I know we have a reputation for being kind and polite, but that ends now.

The Canada-hate has to stop. First of all, it’s based off a lie – that we’re cucked because our Prime Minister is a “cuck”, as you call it. That isn’t even true. Justin Trudeau is a former boxer, snowboarder, and environmentalist. Name me one “real” man who can claim even two of those things! Secondly, Canadians aren’t shitposters. We speak our feelings. We tell you the truth. We share our opinions. If that’s what counts as shitposting these days, then call me an Aussie. I don’t know why Americans are so intimidated by hearing genuine, thoughtful criticism of their politics, but you obviously are. All I can say to that is: deal with it. It’s the 21st century. This is the information age. If information scares you, then go back to your bumfuck trailer somewhere and hang on to your delusions. So what if we welcome refugees and are legalizing weed? Me? I’m a freethinker. I’m an idea man. I thrive off of enthusiasm. And I fucking love science. So when a Canadian is nice enough to offer you criticism, take it as a compliment. Because we want to see you thrive as a country. We want to see you progress and follow us into the future.

End Canada-hate NOW.

Gomenasai, my name is Ken-Sama.

I’m a 27 year old American Otaku (Anime fan for you gaijins). I draw Anime and Manga on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior Japanese games. (Disgaea, Final Fantasy, Persona series)

I train with my Katana every day, this superior weapon can cut clean through steel because it is folded over a thousand times, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my sword license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak Japanese fluently, both Kanji and the Osaka dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about Japanese history and their bushido code, which I follow 100%

When I get my Japanese visa, I am moving to Tokyo to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become an animator for Studio Ghibli or a game designer!

I own several kimonos, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to Japan, so I can fit in easier. I bow to my elders and seniors and speak Japanese as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Wish me luck in Japan!

This pasta is both my favorite and my least favorite.

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I like Katy and teh penguin of doom11111

My grandfather actually met and was friends with Hemingway. I grew up in southern BC but we often vacationed in Sun Valley, Idaho, where my grandfather lived. My grandfather had a great sense of humour and every summer when we visited him, he would always end up telling us a Hemingway story. I only really remember one story but it just shows what a funny man my grandfather was. It was 1959 or 1960 and my grandfather was grouse hunting with Hemingway in the foothills just south of Ketchum. It was a warm afternoon and they took frequent breaks, sitting on the hillsides and looking out over the valley with their rifles in their laps as Hemingway’s health was failing. ‘Papa’ was a stern and quiet man by then. Grandfather liked to lighten the mood whenever he could. He would tease his friend and sometimes narrate the thoughts of the grouse as they wandered stupidly close to them. “Duh, what is that man pointing a gun at me for?” And then my grandfather would shoot the grouse. Pretty funny stuff. Hemingway never laughed because it wasn’t his nature, but my grandfather knew he liked the gags. After a short day of hunting, they would retire to Hemingway’s porch to smoke and sip from Hemingway’s large collection of Cuban rums. They continued this ritual several times in the summer of 1960. Mary would make delectable apple pie and grandfather and Papa would devour it. Papa rarely spoke, except to compliment his wife on her apple pie. My grandfather, picking up on this, decided to pull another gag. After another grouse-hunting session that had to be cut short due to Papa’s aching body and pervasive melancholy state, they were sitting on the porch. Papa turned to my grandfather and said, “I often feel that even with an infinite natural landscape before me, my mind is incapable of happiness.” My grandfather, seeing his opportunity, pulled a tin plate of whip cream from under his chair and said, “But I heard you love pie!” And creamed Hemingway in the face with the pie. It was a legendary prank and my grandfather told us that story a dozen times.

Papa died shortly after that, but I knew my grandfather must’ve been one of the last bits of joy he had in his life.

I've been with my wife for 10 years now. We met in high school, and I got her pregnant. She is and always has been a lazy person and a shit cook. I wouldn't even mind eating shit food if she at least made it on time. But she rarely did.

We'd get into screaming arguments constantly about how lazy and worthless she was. I felt like an asshole for it, but goddamn she was a real piece of work. The only reason I dealt with all this was for the kids, and also because the sex is great.

But one night, I got fed up. Not only did she get drunk, neglect the kids, and made me top Ramen for dinner, but she decided to give me attitude too. She was being real fucking bitchy. So I told my grandparents to keep an eye on the kids and told my wife we were going to go out and have dinner together. I drove maybe 3 blocks to a quiet area (we live in Oregon, it's not hard to find a quiet field) and I got out of the car, went around like I was going to open her door for her and let her out, and I just beat the shit out of her while she was still seatbelted. After a few punches, I asked her if she wanted to go back to her parents. She started screaming and yelling and said yes, so I beat the shit out of her again. Then I asked her what she wanted to do. She finally got smart and said she wanted to go home. So I took her home and dared her to start trouble. I even handed her my cellphone and dialed her mom's number on the drive home. I made her talk to her mom, while daring her to fucking say something.

Before that incident, I had never laid a hand on her. But I had always threatened it. I told her "one of these days, if you don't straighten up, I'm going to lay hands on you."

All my meals have been on time, and she just recently tried to make a meatloaf. It was mediocre, but I was just thrilled that she tried.

Do with this information what you will.

The market is changed. I feel it in asia. I feel it in the uk. I smell it on wallstreet. Much that once was, is lost. For none now trade, who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Housing Bubble. Breaks were given to the Fanny May, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven, to the Auto lords, great manufactuers and craftsmen of the detroit halls. And nine, nine stocks were gifted to the race of the shareholders , who above all else, desire power. For within these stocks was bound the strength and will to govern each fortune 500. But they were all of them, deceived. For another deal was made. In the land of Isreal, in the fires of the temple mount, the dark lord Bilderberg forged in scret a master market to control all others. And into this market he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all stocks . One Market to rule them all

NO NO NO! A Braphog is a thicc as fuck pawg who wears yoga pants and exclusively uses the smith machine, does hip thrusts, and donkey kicks. Her gym life is her ass. Her ass is her life. She eats big and braps big.

What you are referring to is a SLAM PIG. Slam pigs are generalized roasties who usually are 5/10. They're underwhelming but an easy lay because they have no self worth. We're talking basic bitch tier. You can slap her around and make her embarrass herself and then leave without knowing her name. She's your slam piggy, and she's grateful to be getting any dick at all. Usually she sucks dick like she's swallowing a milkshake and rides you like a bucking bull until she's quickly out of breath.

Which do you brehs prefer? I'd have to go with braphogs personally. They're more high maintenance and watching that thicc ass meat brap away is really what peak performance looks like.

A modernist protestant evangelical pastor-professor and contraceptives advocate was teaching a class on Martin Luther, known heretic. ”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Luther and accept that the five solas are divine commandments, even greater than the 255 Dogmas!”

At this moment, a brave, traditionalist, monarchist Catholic soldier of Christ who had said over 15,000 Rosaries and understood the necessity of Apostolic Succession and supported all the dogmatic pronouncements of the ecumenical councils and the Supreme Pontiff stood up and held a Bible.
”Who wrote this book, pinhead?”
The arrogant pastor smirked quite heretically and smugly replied “God did, you statue-worshipping papist.”
”Wrong. The Sacred Authors, under the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, dictated Holy Writ from their own historical perspectives and Mother Church collected these books under the direction of that same Holy Ghost. If sola scriptura, as you say, is true, then the Bible entered the world ex-nihilo (which means ‘from nothing’ for you non-Latin casuals), which is what the infidel Muslims say about their stupid Koran.”

The pastor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Joel Osteen. He stormed out of the room crying those apostate modernist tears. The same tears modernists cry for the “Jews” (who today live in such luxury that they’re allowed to practice usury). There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Martin Jack “Chick” Calvin, wished he had read more of the Church Fathers and classical biblical exegesis. He so wished he had a tradition of apologetics to rebut the Catholic student with, but he had declared all tradition fallible and man-made!
The students applauded and all registered for RCIA that day and accepted the Pope as the legitimate successor of Saint Peter. An eagle named “Doctrine” flew into the room and perched atop the Papal States flag and
shed a tear on the chalk. The Oath Against Modernism was read several times, and Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke showed up and celebrated the Extraordinary Form of the Mass.
The pastor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He converted to Catholicism and received Last Rites as he died of embarrassment, and was tossed into purgatory until such time as his soul was clean of sin.