Tfw rereading my opus magnum and it's shit

lol

Wow! None of us can actually read Italian but you're right, it sucks!

Just re-write that part user

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Italian here.

Mama Mia, this is so bad it's spicy, and not in a good way! Not even your mama could like this!

google translated:

He rode Corrado with all the passion of his youth.
He held him tightly between his thighs, nailed him to the fresh grass with his hands, strong, stronger and stronger, crushing his chest with his hands, scratching his shoulders, clinging to him with all the strength of his sweaty flesh while rhythmically, convulsively, he moved against his belly.
He felt his member become more and more turgid and hard inside him.
He felt it swell like a wave, like the gray sea of his childhood, when he was walking along the promenade as a child with his grandfather and he was admiring and it was terrible and it was the best thing he could hold in and fill it and fill it of something that made her feel whole as never happened.
He saw that they were one, he read it in his half-open eyes, in his hot face, in the grin between his teeth. He saw he was about to come.
- Inside ... - he gasped. - I want you inside ...
"No," he whispered, but his lips did not move.

NOOOO STOOOP

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Hotter than the original because it's a male instead of a girl

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA wtf, OP are you a faggot? Magnum opus can't be about faggots lololol

Is it still bad?

- Mi hai trovato - disse dopo un attimo di desolazione.
- Si - rispose lei telegrafica.
Lo fissò negli occhi, nella nuova lucentezza che era sprizzata dietro le palpebre socchiuse, e il compatimento assoluto e tragico con cui la trafisse la spaventò come solo lui sapeva spaventarla. Sentì di nuovo la vita scorrere potente in lei e capì che quando era con lui, lui viveva sé per entrambi e lei tornava ad essere lei.
Capì che lei era lui solo quando lui non c’era e che quella era la portata di quanto si amassero, ancora si amassero, di come lo tenesse sempre con sé, sotto la scorza della sua miseria. Per un istante volle saltargli addosso, farlo rotolare giù per il clivo, chiudersi su di lui, tornare ragazza, tornare bella, ma doveva sopravvivere. Non sapeva fare altro, lo dovevano fare tutti e con quell’amarezza nelle vene non si poteva. Decise di ergersi come un guardiano dietro ciò che aveva detto. Lo ripeté per farsi più forza.
- È finita.

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>telegrafica
Ma chi è che parla così eddaj

mama mia

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This. You have shit opinions.

still can't read italian and this still sucks!

>"No," he whispered

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This is actually pretty good if it was about a horse. The imagery and whatever is good in that context.

This, OP you need to change this scene from riding a trap to riding a horse.

She actually rode a horse in the same spot she's fucking him, so the parallelism is there

Nice one, Punchy.

C'è come un'eco vuota nelle frasi. I particolari non riescono a dar vita al testo.
Non scoraggiarti e continua a scrivere, ma soprattutto a leggere.

Legendary.

>He felt it swell like a wave, like the gray sea of his childhood, when he was walking along the promenade as a child with his grandfather.

This is why people hate fags so much. who the fuck incorporates the words:
>child
and
>childhood
into a gay sex scene?

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In the original he's fucking a girl. Google decided to swap genders for some reason.

oh shit im so dead—he's never going to outlive that english translation, on Veeky Forums at least lol.

instead of faggotry it's pedophilia lol

And most importantly:
>grandfather

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nice.

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Mama mia!
Why italian

>he put detailed ”””””””””s*x”””””””””” in his book
No thanks! That’s just an easy way to come off as creep

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I don't htink it's that bad user. I actually like it

I like it. You could tone it down just a bit but I like it.

Yu are retard

My high school Italian was enough to kek at this.

Oh, I thought he meant like condoms

best post ITT

cristo santo

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le frasi mi sembrano tutte troppo legnose. non riesco a visualizzare i personaggi
tutto sto pezzo è un incubo di virgole ed è nettamente troppo convoluto.

Capì che lei era lui solo quando lui non c’era e che quella era la portata di quanto si amassero, ancora si amassero, di come lo tenesse sempre con sé, sotto la scorza della sua miseria. Per un istante volle saltargli addosso, farlo rotolare giù per il clivo, chiudersi su di lui, tornare ragazza, tornare bella, ma doveva sopravvivere. Non sapeva fare altro, lo dovevano fare tutti e con quell’amarezza nelle vene non si poteva. Decise di ergersi come un guardiano dietro ciò che aveva detto. Lo ripeté per farsi più forza.

solo per leggerlo ci metto talmente tanto che quasi mi sono scordato che stanno ancora parlando, mi dà l'impressione che a lui sia venuto un colpo a metà discorso

truly the next pietro aretino! wow!

I'm starting my Veeky Forums project today. Don't give up user.

bugs... lay off the carrots

While we're harassing each other over our writing, can someone tell me if this sounds terrible? I've stared at it so long I can't decide anymore:

Of all their stories, we are told the Greeks studied the Iliad most.

In the Republic, Socrates, supposedly the wisest and undoubtedly the most recognizable of Athenians, invokes the poem to make an argument for censorship. He uncomfortably recalls an atypical moment in the hero Achilles’ long, bloodsoaked saga: when the god-descended warrior is facedown in the dirt, weeping over the loss of his dearest friend, Patroclus.

This is the same Achilles who slaughters dozens in mere moments, boasts of robbing parents of children, and sneers at Trojan Hector’s plea for a proper burial. That Socrates wanted Achilles to be colder says no small amount about the morals of the time, or at the very least the perceived necessity for war in ancient and classical Greece. It was war that the people romanticized most, and here Homer, preceding the gadfly at least 400 years, gives the subject more than its fair share of adulation.

>Of all their stories, we are told the Greeks studied the Iliad most.

rewrite this to something less awkward, the sentence order is all jumbled up

desu rewrite the rest too, it's very stilted
it doesn't feel like it has been written with the intention of being read by somebody, rather the reader has to try to get inside your mind and decipher what you're trying to say, as if the whole thing was written for the act of writing itself

>"No"

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Then edit it.

"No"

Kek

>high school Italian
Lmao what a waste

uuuu

>tfw it's been 24h and my thread is still active

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It's really not so bad, OP. Don't give up.

no

wtf

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Thanks senpai; note taken

I disagree with this I actually quite liked how it was written

>Reread anything I've written after a couple of weeks/months
>physically cringe

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> t. publicly educated burger

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Then don't call it your magnum opus silly

Very bad, you have terrible style and even misuse basic idiom in some places, for example “necessity for war” makes you sound like a non native speaker. Consider suicide.

Put an opus Magnum in your mouth and pull the trigger lol

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this juvenile irony is so high school reddit/b/ tier

There are layers of irony here. Hence the ifunny.co

wow what a layer that is :^y

thats a god one user.
good job

Non è male se intendi scrivere erotica per casalinghe cinquantenni separate, vogliose ed in piena menopausa.

Quale sono le tue principali inspirazioni? Libri preferiti? Cosa intendi rappresentare od esprimere con questo libro?

>Good writing all comes down to obsessive revision.
This, basically. Anyone who disagrees has never foregone any type of artistic endeavor.

Be more direct. Trim some stuff.

>Of all their stories, we are told the Greeks studied the Iliad most.

"We are told" is redundant. You indirectly say that in the next paragraphs.

>In the Republic, Socrates, supposedly the wisest and undoubtedly the most recognizable of Athenians, invokes the poem to make an argument for censorship. He uncomfortably recalls an atypical moment in the hero Achilles’ long, bloodsoaked saga: when the god-descended warrior is facedown in the dirt, weeping over the loss of his dearest friend, Patroclus.

"supposedly [...] Athenians" can be cut. Everyone knows who Socrates is. If for some reason you want to keep it, make it "of the Athenians". You add the article before the name of a specific people. "uncomfortably", "atypical", "long, bloodsoaked saga", "god descended", all of this is fluff. Doesn't add anything to the text. Becomes written static that's uninteresting enough for the reader to filter but just noticeable enough to annoy him. Also "is facedown in the dirt, weeping over the loss of his dearest friend, Patroclus". Why's there a comma before "Patroclus"? A sentence between two commas is meant to add something related to the previous sentence, which then continues. But "is facedown in the dirt Patroclus" isn't a sentence.

>This is the same Achilles who slaughters dozens in mere moments, boasts of robbing parents of children, and sneers at Trojan Hector’s plea for a proper burial.

I like this. Write more like this. Vivid images, pure action.

>That Socrates wanted Achilles to be colder says no small amount about the morals of the time, or at the very least the perceived necessity for war in ancient and classical Greece. It was war that the people romanticized most, and here Homer, preceding the gadfly at least 400 years, gives the subject more than its fair share of adulation.

First sentence's still somewhat wooden, but I can't really fix anything without a complete rewrite. Whatever. Second sentence, break it up. "That's what people romanticized most. Here Homer, preceeding...". Generally you want every sentence to be as semantically (I might be using this word improperly) contained as possible. Subject and predicate, then end it. You need a damn good reason to write in more than that.

It's overall decent though, keep at it. You got potential.

ragazzo mostra tu opera prima

", quando da piccola passeggiava sul lungomare mano a mano col nonno e lo stava ad ammirare ed era terribile ed era la cosa più bella che potesse tenersi dentro e la riempiva e la colmava di qualcosa che la faceva sentire intera come mai non capitava."

quanto cazzo è lunga sta frase diocaneeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ma que cazzo vafancullo va bene va bene arrivederci

I'm not writing erotica, it's kind of an existentialist drama/slice of life , but I find extremely enjoyable writing sex scenes just to depict charachters relations

Like, when he refuses to come inside her, it's because she wants a child but he doesn't and that's one of the reason they later break up

pretty Veeky Forums desu

>tfw my magnum opus is good