Historical roasts

Louis XVIII invited Wellington as guest of honour to a Ball in Paris. When he arrived the Marshals of France whom he had so resoundingly beaten in previous campaigns turned their backs on him. A blushing Bourbon king apologised for their rudeness but the Iron Duke just shrugged his shoulders and said
>Tis of no matter your Highness, I have seen their backs before.

>Louis XVIII
>about to say there's too many 'I's buddy
>remember Louis XVII

d-damn it

>After the battle the 1st Foot Guards were given the title “the Grenadier Guards” to commemorate the regiment’s role in overthrowing the French Grenadiers of the Old Guard. All ranks were given the bearskin cap to wear.

In 63 BC, Servilia contributed to a scandalous incident during a debate in the Senate over the execution or imprisonment of the Catiline conspirators, when someone handed Caesar a letter and it turned out that it was a love letter from her, after her half-brother Cato, who was on the opposing side in the debate and horrified by the ongoing, had accused Caesar of corresponding with the conspirators and demanded the letter to be read aloud.[7]

During his exile Imam Shamil was asked by a Russian noblewoman if it was true that he eaten the bodies of Russian's he had defeated in battle to which he replied "Good woman, I am a Muslim - I do not eat pork."

>William of Malmesbury's humorous anecdote illustrates both the character of John Scotus Eriugena and the position he occupied at the French court. King Charles having asked, "Quid distat inter sottum et Scottum?" (what separates a drunkard from an Irishman?) and Eriugena having replied, "Tabula tantum." (Only a table).

From the all time champ of put downs

.....a shot was heard from Yakov's room. Yakov had shot himself but survived. While she tended to his wounds and sent for a doctor, all Stalin said was, "He can't even shoot straight"

>Obligatory

Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan!

O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil excretes, and your army eats. You will not, you son of a bitch, make subjects of Christian sons; we've no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother.

You Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw your own mother!

So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

- koshovyi otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host.

>But the troops inside Blenheim were in no mood to surrender. They had had no word of the disaster to the rest of the army, which they could not see from their vantage point. And they anyway included some of the proudest regiments in the French army, with heritage of victory generations long. Marlborough was setting up to besiege the town and resume fighting the next day. Tallard, his prisoner, sent a message that to avoid more bloodshed, he was willing to go into Blenheim himself and order its surrender. But Marlborough coldly sent back, "Inform Monsieur Tallard that, in the position in which he is now, he has no command."

What a cold, calculating person. Almost like Hillary Clinton.

After invading southern Greece and receiving the submission of other key city-states, Philip II of Macedon sent a message to Sparta: "If I invade Laconia you will be destroyed, never to rise again." The Spartan ephors replied with a single word: "If" (αἴkα).

Subsequently neither Philip nor his son Alexander the Great attempted to capture the city.

And here is the rebuttal

>When Philip created the league of the Greeks on the pretext of unifying Greece against Persia, the Spartans chose not to join, since they had no interest in joining a pan-Greek expedition unless it were under Spartan leadership. Thus, upon the conquest of Persia, Alexander the Great sent to Athens 300 suits of Persian armour with the following inscription: "Alexander, son of Philip, and all the Greeks except the Spartans, give these offerings taken from the foreigners who live in Asia."

So sassy!

Another good one between Churchhill and a woman who thought he was a total pig before he was PM.

>Winston, if you were my husband I'd poison your coffee
>And if you were my wife I'd drink it

>manage to lose pretty much every single battle against the french
>join forces with some of the major european nations to fight a rag tag assembly of men hastly put together to defend paris
>somehow manages to win
>MVP FOCK OFF FRENCH FROGS

this is also pretty laughable
they literally had the english and the prussian army shooting at the them and yet they held they ground enough time to let the core of the french army retreat, and yet for some reason the british comemorate this shit...

what a fucking pathetic nation - not only awful at war (excluding only their naval forces) but always the same money throwing scum that keeps his enemies at bay by paying to equally dishonorable countries to fight for them
not to mention that their best soldiers were scottish so england has nothing to be proud of unless you can comemorate the fact of half of your people being literal inbreds

>inb4 salty frog
nah, we wuz oldest allies

I don't get this one

>Zaporozhian Cossacks Khanates conquered by the Ottomans: 1
>Ottoman Empires captured by Zaporozhian Cossacks: 0

There's the real burn.

Which battles did Wellington lose against the French?

and does it matter since he won the final round?

Wellington lost a couple minor skirmishes and won every single major, decisive battle he fought against the French, dude's prolly just butthurt that some ancestor of his got cucked by Old Nosey.

Minor skirmishes hah

they are

Lady Astor?

The banter between those two were legendary.