About to read the bible for the first time

About to read the bible for the first time

What can I expect?

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Boredom, absurdist humour and life lessons

a bunch of lies and made up shit

bad assery extremely interesting.

*tips fedora*

lots of interesting shit if you dig deep enough. ex: Jephthah who sacrifices his daughter because of an oath to YHVH gone wrong. it's a fucking good read especially if you don't take it seriously

It will run the gamut of incredibly interesting, philosophically deep, moving, badass, sexy, confusing, stupid, boring, monotonous, conflicting, and dull. The Bible isn't one book, it's a collection of multiple books written over the course of centuries by different people in different cultures who were writing about different things to different audiences. So you may have to plod through Leviticus and Numbers and wonder why it matters so much that A was the son of B the son of C the son of D the son of E the son of F, and then get slapped with crazy stuff like Revelation by the end.

are you reading it from beginning to end, or with a guide or anything?

Salvation

which version and which translation? make sure to read not just the old and new testament but the deuterocanonical/apocryphal books if you want the fuller experience. bonus points if you dig up the books from the canons that only less popular denominations bother with, like Meqabyan, Jubilees, Baruch, etc. bonus bonus points if you throw in the Book of Mormon for sequel reading or a bunch of old gnostic stuff from before the canon was solidified

Image you're consistently crying, but you're also very dehydrated.

>muh begetting

OP i'd watch these lectures. all of them. they'll give you really good insight into the background and formation of the books youtube.com/watch?v=mo-YL-lv3RY&list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyuvTEbD-Ei0JdMUujXfyWi

>jews
>jews getting whipped for a few generations
>jews on a genocidal rampage campaign
>jews get monarchy and write poetry

And that's the first half. Feel free to jump around or look up interesting stories.

A lot of Bullshit

elaborate

here's the breakdown, OP. the standard protestant bible, which is the only version i can tell you, though catholics and orthodox can tell you other stuff breaks down to the Old Testament and the New Testament. the OT was written specifically by and for hebrews in the BC days while the NT was written by and for christians in first century AD, christians believing themselves to be the successors to the hebrews.

the OT breaks down into some thematic assemblages of books.
-the first five books are the books of the law, which cover history from the beginning of the world as the hebrews conceived it until the death of moses (who led them out of captivity in egypt) and their arrival at the promised land. these books are mostly a mix of mythologized history that explains why x is x or y is y plus morality tales and a shitload of LAW, with god telling the hebrews exactly how he wants them to set up society. these take place during the bronze age but it's all pretty much historically bunk. great mythology though!

the next big batch of books are history books focusing on the days of the united kingdom of israel after the hebrews conquered the holy land and the subsequent split between israel and judah. these take place during the iron age. they start off very sketchy in terms of their historicity but get more and more verifiable as they go on.

then you've got the wisdom books; these are a smattering of texts that deal with the human condition, how much life sucks, how can god be so unfair?, etc. etc. they're some of the best stuff in the bible and outside of the NT probably the stuff that will give you the most feels

then you get the prophetic books, which are split into major and minor prophets. these are varied but basically deal with books about hebrew prophets warning israel "dont fuck this up or god will kill you" or warning the enemies of the hebrews "you're gonna die!" there's also some apocalyptic stuff mixed in to give the hebrews hope for the future

Really goddamn great poetry
The recent Oxford study edition is great
I'm a pretty die hard agnostic, but I really really enjoy the Bible.
Old testament>new testament though

I'm starting with the NET version of the bible. I was told it's the best

Jesus dies.

[spoiler]and is resurrected. [/spoiler]

the New Testament is different. the first four books are basically the same thing told four ways by four different authors since they were trying to focus on different elements of the story and appeal to different audiences. but basically these four gospels are about the ministry of Jesus, why he came to earth to save the people from their sin, his death and resurrection, etc.

the next two books - Acts and Romans - are about the apostles in the post-Jesus period setting up the early church, and especially how Paul got involved in it all and the debates between the Christians who saw themselves as a new sect of Jews and the Christians who wanted to spread the message to all the non-Jews

after that is a whole bunch of epistles, or letters that paul and other church leaders wrote to various churches telling them "do this, don't do that" or clarifying their own views on doctrine, etc. basically working out the kinks of the belief system and giving guidance for living a christian life.

lastly you get Revelation, the apocalyptic book about the end of the world, if you choose to interpret it that way. it was probably really about encouraging Christians to hope for the future while being persecuted by Rome, but it's got some crazy evocative imagery so it will really stick in your mind.

if you decide you like that and want a (worse) sequel, read up on Jesus' adventures in North America in Bible 2: Electric Mormon Boogaloo!

You'll start off with the national history of a middle eastern tribe who makes a pact with a certain obscure deity known as Yahweh, and which proceeds to piss him off repeatedly and get severely fucked over for it.

The Hebrews then get stomped by not only their god but by every other people in the surrounding area.

Then everyone shuts up for a while and when we come back the Hebrews are getting the shit kicked out of them by a people that DON'T even live in the area.

Some shit goes down, Jesus gets crucified, and then the world ends and 99% of humanity burns in hell.

The end.