Touch base with me tomorrow morning before the meeting

'good shout'
'crash diaries'
'adds value'

>it usually sounds pretentious
Wiping your ass after shitting probably sounds pretentious to a hygiene-impaired NEET. Just because the conversations you're used to hearing at work probably center on you changing the fry oil, don't make assumptions about social settings you've only seen on TV.

>im gonna run my ideas up the flagpole and see who salutes them

>teamwork makes the dream work!

Triggered pretentious assholes detected.

When you have had enough of the high from smelling your own farts maybe you will realize how pathetic you sound to NORMAL people.

>Ping him/her
>Let's circle back on this
>We need full visibility
>LEVERAGE
>Bleeding-edge
>Accelerate our funnel/pipeline
>Actionable
>At the end of the day
>Soup to Nuts
>Pain Point
>Our leave-behinds should incentivize new prospect

Fucking kill me famalam.

what's wrong with this?

Shut up and get my burger ready, kid.

> John, reach out to me after our 1 o'clock. we've discovered some exciting new verticals we can penetrate to drive up market value

Do you want it with extra-saliva or will the classic anal-mucus coating be enough?

Oh, I'll have to get back to you about that
>boss says you can do a deep dive later, invalidating question
>one month later: boss asks same question
Oh, I'll have to get back to you about that

th-thanks faggot

I don't have a problem with the office jargon and often does express meaning that would be more awkward in different terms, but I always get a good kek out of these threads
>right sizing
>dollar cost average
>pneumatic drill

>EVERYONE, I really need you to time box this thread and report on deliverables by Friday

Let me just say that the difference between OP and yours is that even though the wording is strange, you can sort of make heads or tails of what is being said.

Your post is so fucking retarded like you just found out what a thesaurus is.

You fucking mong

I think touch base and reach out are 2 phrases that legitimately make me want to kill.

>lets circle the wagons later and have an idea shower
>light bulb moment
>we need more granularity
>drill down into the detail
>leverage
>going forward
>pain point

>Were gonna have to have a little pow wow and trust me, you'll be the one smoking the peace pipe

Fortunately I haven't had many people like this and I have found most that speak like this are MBA holders and other wanky people who aren't succesful but are in a middle manager role. Especially the ones that read leadership books and such - I met one guy for coffee who wasted about 2 hours talking about "making money outside the system" but that we stll have to "satisfy" the system like its something from the matrix, and then he turned out to be involved in some ridiculous pyramid sales scheme.

It's not a pyramid scheme!

It's a reverse funnel.

I'd like to drive my vertical into her market. But I don't want any red ocean strategies coming up. So I think we can come from behind on this one for a less risky penetration

>Team work makes the dream work
>Let's all do our best
>If you can believe it, you can achieve it
>We're a family here
>I'm promoting synergy
>So what's new and exciting, crew?

Please kill me before I kill them

>ETA

For fucksake stop doing this

>are the deliverables ready to launch?

>To your point
>Leverage
>Tell the consumer 'story'
>Gracious
>Make things actionable

>Not entering a fool proof trapezoid sales system

this guy fucks

Stupid frog poster

But user, Your leave-behinds should always incentivize new prospects

MBA classes are FILLED with shit like this.

You're right, but both sides are kinda stupid. Business jargon is infamously stupid because it wraps vague terms ("synergy," etc.) around concepts to the point where meaning is lost.

Case in point:
>"Leverage" X
Means "Use [for our benefit]" except it's equally as vague.

Conversely, it's a bit silly to get angry around terminology that is, at the end of the day, no more stupid than what we use colloquially. I have nothing wrong with some terms and idioms, but they quickly accelerate into this cultish nightmare of vagueness I can't stand.

All of that being said, I typically see extensive use of business jargon as a sign that someone is trying to hide something from me.

>extensive use of business jargon as a sign that someone is trying to hide something from me

it's a dead giveaway of incompetence

hey are we going to do x?
>i want to get the lay of the land first

what does that mean?
>lets get our ducks lined up in a row before moving forward

do you actually know anything about x or are you a moron?
>lets circle the wagons later and re-evaluate later, i'm snowed under with meetings user don't you know

>cheers!
>kind regards
>best wishes
>I hope this message finds you well
>adds value
>communication
>we need to get the ball rolling

Also

>diversity
>arbitrary deadlines
>8am to 6pm is now standard work day

Im going to need a full pipeline with all of your action points layed out. This will allow me to synergize your work with the rest of the team.

>8 am - 6 pm is the standard workday

Fucking awful. I work in a place where they make the wagies ask if its ok to go home. They dont leave until 7 at the earliest so they show up late and take 2 hour lunches. Nothing gets done.

the rationalized disposition is to sunset the platform so we can realize the synergy before Q4. thoughts?

Christ, where do you people work?

In my office you'd get told to fuck off if you said half of this stuff.

> moving forward

sidesinspace.com/blog/business-jargon-id-be-happy-to-never-hear-again/

How did it go, OP?

this thread has made me realize you guys have a lot of areas of opportunity

>there are no traffic jams along the extra mile

>service is an attitude, not a vocation

I see a lot of progress in your work, and I think we can synergize user.

Well, it's good that your're EMBRACING the developments

>This fucking thread

Please tell me nobody talks like this? I worked in a 10 man sales office where we did $5million/week and "get on the fucking phone" was slickest thing anyone had ever said.

Do the people who say this shit not have any real work to do?

It's just a bunch of autistic NEETs pretending they have jobs, friend.

8 to 6pm, with added time for commute

how do wagecucks do it

This.

Have no social life and always be tired. I hate my life most times and use copious amounts of marijuana to cope

>Uggh, it's Monday.
>It's only Tuesday?!?!
>Happy hump day!
>Happy almost Friday!
>Happy Friday!

Are offices really this bad?

I've never worked a standard 9-5 with a bunch of other faggots who pretend like there's anything more important than accomplishing the mission, but I have worked retail, and you're making it sound like there's the same level of koolaid drinking.

I've been working a new office job for a month and I swear to fucking god I've heard the same two guys, who have been working for years, have the exact same conversation where they bitch about morning traffic and then ask each other where they live and how long their commute is at least four fucking times.

>Are offices really this bad?
Thy are.

There are people who literally live to make as much money or be as productive as possible for suits who would fire them in a nano-second without a second thought.

Personally, I go in and clock watch and do as little work as possible without getting fired or having management ride my ass.

Nah, being productive I can appreciate, but I never understood being a faggot about it or saying company slogans like anyone cares.

That said, in that kind of environment, I'd want to do what you would want to do. Do the minimum, keep my head low, and leave as early as possible.

>I go in and clock watch and do as little work as possible without getting fired or having management ride my ass.
say you follow the Pareto Principle at work, and spend 20% of your day producing and the remaining 80% jacking off.

the company still makes money off you at this reduced rate.

One thing this should tell you is that you're getting paid less than 1/5th of what your time is actually worth. If for example you earn $120 in a shift, and all the work you do takes you about 2 hours, and you're still profitable for the company to employ, you could reasonably be working all day making $60 per hour and they'd still make money off you.

In reality the time you spend jacking it is calculated into your wages. They know you're doing at best 2 hours of real work a day and they probably don't much care. Because those 2 hours pay them more than you get for the whole day.

talk to me like a normal human being you corporate stooge
you jargon has zero substance and you sound like a complete limpdick