ITT we greentext wars and try to guess what they are

ITT we greentext wars and try to guess what they are

>losing to city few hundred miles away on same peninsula
>instead of attacking them send a fleet on a six-month journey to try and fail to take an irrelevant island

Other urls found in this thread:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War
twitter.com/NSFWRedditVideo

Peloponnesian war?

Russo-Japanese war

>I'm gonna conquer Europe guys!
>Holy shit I'm actually doing it
>Wait
>FUCK, RUSKIES
>FUCK THEM AND THEIR DAMNED WINTER

>You guys thought I was gone lol
>well I am back, time to conquer
>wtf why does everyone hate
>what is this faggot trying to stop me, I'll teach him a lesson
>wtf 2v1?!?!?!

>friend steals all my glory during slave revolt
>Goes around calling himself the great now
>Start campaign to prove myself and spend some of this money I'm sitting on
>Die in desert

>Get the horses ready. I'm going to charge straight for this faggot. Bet he runs like a bitch

>Lose a bunch of battles
>Loss a really important battles
>Come back and win the war

Napoleon?

Definitely Napoleon

Alexander the great?

>lol fuck you guys we do what we want
>hey stop attacking the same region
>guys seriously stop
>oh you took my capital
>everything is destroyed
>fuck it we quit take us back

Eternal Anglo

2nd Punic war?

Yes!

Is it Scandinavian?

Peloponnesian War: Sicily Expedition Edition

Crassus

>holy shit he's back
>how is this even possible
>somebody call Vienna

More of a first person perspective

>join the army expecting to journey across the dangerous world
>finally finished my months upon months of rigorous training
>in barracks for a few months waiting for orders
>one day in early November command comes in telling us to kit up and bring lots of ammo
>holyfuckherewego
>all of my months of training have finally payed off
>next thing I know the transport truck comes to a halt
>I jump out in a wild frenzy looking left and right
>command tells us to set up the machine guns
> I look out on the horizon looking for the enemy
>all I can see are these big fuck off birds everywhere
>next thing I know we are firing at these fucking birds spraying thousands of rounds
>mfw I spend the next two months killing big fuck off birds
>thisisnotwhyijoinedthearmy

I will be surprised if anyone gets thi

>this "war" actually happened

Ye

>>big birds
>pic of aussies

Emu war?

>be me
>Innanavy
>Sitting in galley
>Hungry as fuck
>Dieter is making soup tonight
>I love soup
>All of the sudden bell starts ringing
>Get to battle station
>Stray cannon ball smashes our side
>"That's really close to the galley"
>Run to check on Dieter
>He has scalded feet and tears in his eyes
>Walls over to chalk board
>Crosses out soup
>Writes salted pork
>No songs were sung that night

Bingo

>be me, 29
>all I do is win
>win
>win
>???
>lose

The infamous Kettle War.

>Friendship ended with RAMESES
>Now
>YAHWEH
>is my
>best friend

>Be fresh power on the rise
>Want colonies
>Ship blows up, blame decaying power with colonies
>???
>PROFIT

This is going to be from the perspective of one side of the war

>fire on fort owned by the government
>start kicking ass and chewing bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum
>even though winning talk mad shit about one of our best generals
>he goes full retard and does stupid shit in a major battle
>other side starts getting their shit together
>oh fuck oh fuck
>psychotic dude with anger issues basically says fuck all to human rights and code of honor and literally bends me over and makes me his bitch
>lose war
>w-we will be back!

Spanish-American War.

American Civil War

Yeah...I think I should have made it a little harder honestly.

>Hey stop stealing my fucking sailors!
>Alright, since you keep stealing my sailors, I'mma steal yo colonies.
>Oh shit, that didn't work out.
>You still have to stop stealing my fucking sailors, goddamn.

I want to say war of 1812 but I'm probably wrong

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War
Emu war.

Bingo. Could honestly have left out the part about blaming Spain.

Hitler

Wladyslaw III of Poland's death?

Nope, you got it.

I hate niggers

>invade neighboring land
>corn
>fight neighbor
>more corn
>build wall around neighbor's army while he's on a hill top
>corn again
>neighbor's other army comes to fight
>outnumbers us
>corn
>build another wall to keep them away from our first wall
>corn
>corn
>I win!
>corn

>we gotta save Christendom
>so we gotta sack a Christian city and destroy a Christian empire
>centuries later we'll pretend like it was all muslims

Roman conquest of Gaul.

4th Crusade.

>be a budding young officer
>"hey loom our rivals have a shitfort 200 miles away that threatens our claim"
>"lol we should provoke them into conflict"
>get pushed right back out
>"hey we should try again"
>almost 50% killed or wounded
>well shit nigga better start this war
>lose almost every battle
>finally catch the enemy asleep
>the man who started all this shit ends up as leader as an indirect result of the war

Reminder that pretty much nothing in the bible is actual history

>be famous and flashy cavalry officer
>bringing in glory left and right
>new assignment
>pesky natives needs a good thrashing after we kinda fucked up and gave them something valuble
>thinking about the glory. Dick is diamonds!
>have to share it though...
>I shouldn't, have high ambitions after all
>FUCK IT, leeeroy!
>detachment didn't make it here?
>there's too many of them
>only one bullet left...

>haha better put my elephants inude this pike square
>this totally will never backfire
>oh look an empty roman camp
>send my cavalry to steal some pots
>lose the battle
>worstfuckingdayofmylife.jpg

Not a war, but Belgian dominion over Congo?

Little Bighorn

Correct!

>decide to fuck with one of the wealthiest empires of the time
>arm 50k men and march
>find 100k men blocking the only mountain pass
>say fuck it and lead 25k men trough extremely harsh mountain valleys
>successfully manage to flank 100k men
>they actually surrender
>madman.jpg
>they mad now though
>find 300k men waiting for me
>fucking win while outnumbered 6to1
>plunder so much shit from the enemy capital that I can disregard collecting any tax for the following 3 years straight
FeelsGoodMan

>winter

>ruskies use winter to win
>the one war in which their enemy used it against them to win
The one nation more northern and badass than Ruskies.

>boss just wants a job and to get us food
>marches us through the mountains
>we start sacking shit trying to get paid off
>their leader marches his huge as fuck army towards us
>welp
>we hide behind a bunch of our shitty wagons
>the enemy leader doesn't bother waiting to be reinforced and marches his completely knackered army straight up the hill towards us
>we completely obliterate his forces
>mfw I accidentally burnt the enemy leader alive in a cowshed not realising it was him

> waifu gets stolen
> reeEEEE
> cry to mother
> reeEEEE
> refuse to war
> reeEEEE
> people getting killed, idc
> reeEEEE
> manfu gets killed
> reeEEEE!
> goes allahu

Yes, your enemies freezing to death from the season makes you badass.

Sure.

The War of Spanish Succession

Fucking hannibal

medieval land battles in general basically

>Start war over occupied region
>Region is successfully retaken
>Meanwhile the enemy gets pushed back all the way to their capital
>"Since we got this far, let's try to take the capital"
>Fail to take it
>Enemy calls it a legendary victory

>hannibal sacked rome
wtf are you on my man, i want some

Winter war

>mandela effect
soon

George Washington in the french and indian war

the answer is the Peloponnesian War and the Athenian expedition to Sicily.
>>losing to city few hundred miles away on same peninsula
is untrue. There was a truce between athens and sparta at the time, and athens had definitely gotten the better of the fighting before. Going to sicily is what lost athens the war

>be new emperor eager for glory
>ask the oracles if you should attack Persia
>oracle says "hell no you will be pwnt"
>attack Persia anyway
>be pwnt

Lydia-Persian war?

Croesus of Lydia's invasion of Cyrus' Persia.

>oh damn all those cultures we raped and tortured into submission suddenly attacked during our war of succession
>who knew they had some hard feelings about all that

Close but no Apostate.

Really the oracle said some ambiguous shit.

Every oracle in Herodotus says some fortune cookie bullshit, they all made damn sure well they had their ass covered for any outcome.
>see, told you it'd add to an empire's legacy! Thanks for the gold bowls lol

I feel like this involves the byzantines.

pay denbts Pavlos

Could be Austria

Austria vs the Turks Imean.

>how do i into navy tho
>better just copy the sea jews

japan?

Rome and the first Punic war.

Yeah it was pretty easy to guess as an American

>flee from city, the locals are fucking bigots
>war with that city for a while, eventually conquer it
>"oh boy, this is cool as fuck, lets take the whole thing!"
>takes the whole thing
>In less than two decades your successors rule the largest empire in the area, by a lot

muhammad and mecca, islamic empire

Indeed, more specifically Muhammad and the Rashidun Caliphate

the space race

You got it
Are Americans sea jews now?

>Rome was richer than Egypt/Parthia/Carthage(?)

It does if you're not freezing to death in the same weather...

Around the time of the 2nd Punic War Parthia wasn't very powerful, Carthage I'm not sure about but they certainly ended being more rich than the Carthaginians lmao
Egypt was part of the Ptolemic Empire at that time, so my guess would be they were pretty rich also.
Remember that while in terms of territory the Roman Republic in 200BC wasn't gigantic (it was pretty large though) they absolutely dominated the waters around them.

Death of Valens?

Zulu wars

> me and my buddy both have the same dream
> one of us gotta die
> go into battle
> see my flank losing ground
> put on my purple robe and charge in there like a badass
> die
> buddy wins battle
This one might be a little more obscure my friends

Trojan War
Fucking Achilles

Barbarossa

Pyrrhus?

Battle of Vesuvius

I had to look it up though because i forgot the name.

Got it, I just learned about it from the History of Rome podcast

Alexander the Great's conquest of the Persian Empire?

It's that one battle with an Antiochus that /twg/ loves to meme over.

How is that? I've been looking into podcasts.

I saw the first one is like fiftren minutes and it kind of dissuaded me; I listen to them on the job and Dan Carlin's 2-3 hour podcasts have spoiled me.

Kek I was going to do a Napoleonic war but couldn't be arsed

Napoleon's battle tactics were so shit towards the end of his career, someone should do him in that picture of Messi with a bib stuck over his head saying 'help me Xavi and iniesta' except with "help me central position and muh ordre mixte"

They get a lot better and the production value increases a lot over time. Not a funny-quote-voice-and-explosions EXPERIENCE but definitely worth listening to for a whistlestop tour through the history of the empire. Revolutions is good too.

>we wuz empires and sheet
>those fucking islands right there, we should have those
>lets just nip in there and take them
>wait they're actually going to fight us over these wtf fuck this

Not to mention suddenly abandoning any principles of reform and just making his brothers kings of places he conquered

Wtf happened to him? It's like he stopped giving a fuck