> then it occurs to me that neither of us would care if the other died
You're just making a grand, unreasonable and unfounded assumption, and marketing it as truth and rationale to distance yourself from your own friendships. If anything, you're afraid of being too close to people, and so you push them away when they get close enough, ostensibly fearing judgement.
The biggest problem I see, is that if you don't experience emotion, or rather, you've made it so that you don't to prevent you from crying 24/7. I'm sure you have an inkling of it, but that state is precisely the same as being dead. If you can't feel anything - if you can't feel the euphoria of triumph or the despair of defeat, then what's the point of existing? Lacking emotion is lacking life.
In other words, for your first step - try to cry. At least then you have proof that you're alive, and you can take the next step.
> That's kinda funny, I could never see myself as submissive.
Generally speaking, I've always had the most effeminate personality of anyone I know. It was kind of weird, being the only 'girl' in an all-boys school, complete with thriving off of gossip and drama and generally being a manipulative bitch until I entered high-school. I'm also a therapist for basically everyone I know, for some reason.
I feel emotions extremely deeply, and so I'm easily read, anyone and everyone knows pretty much exactly what I'm feeling at any moment, not that that really matters when the average EQ at an all-boys school is probably around 50. I literally have the IRL personality of your average moege heroine, except, well, I'm a guy.