Stories from history that are so good you don't care that they probably didn't happen

You sure they didn't mean that as a metaphor? I know your autism gets in the way of understanding that not everything in the world is literal, and you don't have to interpret everything in a way that makes you smugly superior.

Governments do this all the time.

They're called Singleton Operations, a small but rather dramatic part of humint ops

During the Spanish Inquisition, village feasts were organised where great quantities of paella were served. (still a tradition in rural Spain). What had been a simple concoction of rice and vegetables with rabbit or chicken became a culinary shibboleth, Mussels and other shellfish plus sliced sausages of pork were added to the dish. Those who would not eat were carefully observed. Moors trying to hide their identities would not eat a meal containing pork and Jews rejected the shellfish, and so they were exposed to persecution and eviction.

I heard once that the opening barrage at one of the battles of Ypres could be heard (literally) accross the channel. These types of anecdotes aren't uncommon.

"When my father was about to go on his Iberian expedition I was nine years old: and as he was offering the sacrifice to Zeus I stood near the altar. The sacrifice successfully performed, my father poured the libation and went through the usual ritual. He then bade all the other worshipers stand a little back, and calling me to him asked me affectionately whether I wished to go with him on his expedition. Upon my eagerly assenting, and begging with boyish enthusiasm to be allowed to go, he took me by the right hand and led me up to the altar, and bade me lay my hand upon the victim and swear that I would never be friends with Rome. So long, then, Antiochus, as your policy is one of hostility to Rome, you may feel quite secure of having in me a most thoroughgoing supporter. But if ever you make terms or friendship with her, then you need not wait for any slander to make you distrust me and be on your guard against me; for there is nothing in my power that I would not do against her."

More please, I'm sorry that I don't have anything to add myself.

The Axis alliance between Germany and Italy was always strained, not least because the Italian war ministry closed promptly at 3pm each day

I guess that sound travels faster in water but I don't know if it would make it as far as london(further than just ''Across the channel'')

meant for

In Hawai'i, before the white man brought civility to the savages, kings simply walking through a village would execute those who would simply step into their shadow. Including babies.

There is also a martial art of theirs that is not typically taught because of it's brutality. Where I grew up I heard it typically referred to as Lua and wikipedia says the meaning is "Two Hits".

Kek

nearly all of those have been debunked
i'll let you research into that though

That fucking story of Caesar seeing the statue of Alexander and weeping. It really does seem like something he'd do, and I want it to be true anyway.

Jesus, check out the 'stache on that babushka to the left

Gordian Knot.

pretty cool. I suppose you were there at the time? Do you mind if I ask under what capacity? Local? Military? Journo?

Kim Il-Sung deciding that with the downfall of the Soviet Union, and the extension of the sunshine policy, peaceful unification of Korea was possible.

But then he realizes he's actually handed power over to his son, who's a total prick. He is disappoint so hard he dies.

Bumping cause this thread is interesting

This one is real but it fits
>Stalins impotent son is the manager of theach Soviet national hockey
>He gets the whole team killed in a plain crash before a hockey game in front of Stalin
>Son is so scared of Stalin that he finds random people off the streets and gets them to play
>Stalin doesn't notice and no one else dares to say anything

>130 Norman Knights under Roger I invaded Muslim Sicily and defeated 15000 and St. George appeared at the battle and smote the enemy with nothing but his pinky finger

truly he was napoleon.

At the battle of Trafalgar the British captured a spanish ship and one of the prisoners was dressed only in a harlequin costume because he was an actor pressganged after a Commedia Dell'arte performance. That may be one of my favorite war visuals.

this

>VIA.9GAG.COM

Calling bullshit on this one

The Sui Emperors were always the butt of Chinese sex stories.

One is where the last Sui Emperor, Sui Yangdi, had a special wheelchair made that can automatically clamp its user down. He called it "the Virgin wheelchair" and used it it trap teenaged girls for sex.

Rasputin was shot by British Intelligence. He was causing Russia the kind of bullshit problems that would cause them to pull out of the War with Germany and unleashing the full power of the German war machine onto the British.

Fat lot of good that did.

In the early 90s, one of the most powerful figures in Tajikistan's politics was "that guy with the tanks"

He'd been a conscript during the Soviets, and when the USSR fell apart, he happened to be the one with the keys to the tank depot. He became a major warlord.

Caligula and Incitatus and their adventures fighting Neptune.

This kicks ass, but evidently my Google-fu is weak... any sources?

The thread is called cool shit that probably didn't happen, I Dobt know what anyone is sperging out about the second half.

user its Veeky Forums, they are all autistic

I don't know if it's true but hilarious nonetheless

I call bullshit. Traditional paella today is usually made with chicken. The seafood ones are for tourists.

Speaking of Alexander, the fucking Diogenes story.

Alexander: Diogenes, big fan. I'm emperor of the known world. Is there anything you'd like me to do for you?
Diogenes: Stand a little to the left, you're blocking my sun.

And the sequel.

Alexander: You're a witty little cunt. If I weren't me, I'd want to be you.
Diogenes: If I weren't me, I'd want to be me too.

The version I read had him hanging them as an act of mercy, their being slated to the cross.

While Nelson and Collingwood led their parallel divisions into a contrary and slowing breeze, they studied the allied line, an impressive, even a beautiful sight, stretching from their left to right some seven miles. Clearly visible through Nelson’s glass was the mammoth Santissima Trinidad near the center, as well as the French Bucentaure, flying Villeneuve’s command flag.

Nelson was going to permit the enemy to ‘cross his T,’ bringing the broadside batteries of many allied ships to bear against only the few guns on his leading vessels’ forecastles.

The allied Santa Ana, Fougueux, Indomitable and perhaps Pluton and Neptuno, loosed their first broadsides at Collingwood’s Royal Sovereign, the balls and rough chunks of anti-sail iron skipping harmlessly into the ocean. That first salvo had fallen short, but as the range decreased, the irregular pieces of iron shot began to sheer away rigging, gouge huge holds in the tails and ran down on the exposed deck. Collingwood, supremely at his ease, strolled the upper gun deck, munching apples, refusing to seek shelter or return fire. Each of his heavy 32 and 24-pounders were double-shotted, his carronades were filled with ball and sacks or baskets of nails and musket balls. His first broadsides would be devastating, but only at close range.

Reminds me of a police commander where I was stationed.
He'd survived at least a dozen assassination attempts by the time we got down there, and every month or so we'd get reports of another one. Drive-bys, IEDs, all-out assaults on his CP, all specifically targeting him because, IIRC, he wasn't a corrupt shit and didn't want to play ball with the Taliban.
I saw his column driving through while out on patrol once. It was a weird feeling, seeing a legend like that in real life.

Diogenes' constant trolling of Plato is great.

Crazy smelly homeless guy has nothing better to do than crash your lectures, debate your philosophes and masturbate in the corner.

The best-known example of Nelson’s apparently cavalier approach to orders is, of course, the Battle of Copenhagen, at which Nelson put his telescope to his blind eye and announced that he could not see the signal calling on him to end the action and retreat (Nelson had lost the sight of one eye during an shore attack on Cadiz, when a cannonball impact sprayed sand and pebbles into his face).

...

>In 1845, Ottoman Sultan Abdülmecid declared his intention to send £10,000 to victims of the Irish potato famine, but Queen Victoria requested that the Sultan send only £1,000, because she herself had sent only £2,000.[1][2][3]

>The Sultan sent £1,000 along with five ships full of food. The British administration allegedly attempted to block the ships, but the food arrived secretly at Drogheda harbour and was left there by Ottoman sailors.

Speaking of Caesar, the story with him and the pirates is fucking hilarious.
>captured by pirates
>they don't know who he is, demands a ransom
>caesar laughs and tells them to demand much more money
>treats them like lowly subordinates while basically alone with this band of bloodthirsty criminals
>joins in their games
>writes poetry and reads it out to them, then insults them for being plebs when they don't appreciate it and laughingly says that he'll have them all hanged when he's released
>they get their ransom and release him
>he goes straight back with a fleet and crucifies them all

Wish I had met decent Afghan commanders. The only memorable one I met was an Afghan Border Patrol Commander who would rape male prisoners.

dick head, dosnt he know how much he's embarrassing Victoria?

At the Battle of Kalka River in 1223, Subutai's forces defeated the larger Kievan force, while losing the battle of Samara Bend against the neighboring Volga Bulgars – one of the Mongol's few, if not only, utter defeat; the Khwarizmi historian al-Nasawi says only 4,000 survived.[30] The Russian princes then sued for peace. Subutai agreed but was in no mood to pardon the princes. As was customary in Mongol society for nobility, the Russian princes were given a bloodless death. Subutai had a large wooden platform constructed on which he ate his meals along with his other generals. Six Russian princes, including Mstislav III of Kiev, were put under this platform and crushed to death

The eternal anglo strikes again

That's fucking hilarious.

It's probably true, and there's a lot more detail in sources, he basically bullied the pirates around and would make them be quiet when he was trying to sleep and they were drinking.

I like to picture him as the kid who played young Octavian in Rome among a bunch of super grizzled Mediterranean pirates

I know, did you miss the title of the thread or what?

They had a lot of reason to do it. I feel like they really made sure it happened, but the british intelligence maintains that there were only two spies in the city at that time. One of them may have been present but only to make sure the assassination was carried out. It was gonna happen one way or another.

The theory that alcohol created human civilization. Some anthropologists believe that humans first began to settle down and grow grain not for the purpose of making bread, as was previously thought, but to ferment and turn it into beer.

>Often, even in the theatre, in the sight of all the people, she removed her costume and stood nude in their midst, except for a girdle about the groin: not that she was abashed at revealing that, too, to the audience, but because there was a law against appearing altogether naked on the stage, without at least this much of a fig-leaf. Covered thus with a ribbon, she would sink down to the stage floor and recline on her back. Slaves to whom the duty was entrusted would then scatter grains of barley from above into the calyx of this passion flower, whence geese, trained for the purpose, would next pick the grains one by one with their bills and eat.

That's the point of the thread dingus

Secret histories

>Was struck by lighting seven times
>Even attempted to outrun an storm cloud while he was in his car only to get struck hem he thought he had won.
>stated clouds would chase him and no one wanted to be around him
Roy C. Sullivan lived a hard life.

After the defeat of the Mamluk army by the Turks at the battle of Marj Dabiq in 1516, an emir came to the sultan and said something to the effect of "My sultan, our lords the Ottomans have defeated us". The Mamluk sultan immediately had a stroke upon hearing this and died.

>Procopius characterises Belisarius as a cuckold husband, who was emotionally dependent on his debauched wife, Antonina. According to the historian, Antonina cheated on Belisarius with their adopted son, the young Theodosius. Procopius claims that the love affair was well known in the imperial court and the general was regarded as weak and ridiculous

What about it, procopius was pretty based

The story of Alexander cutting the Gordian knot.

It reads like something out of Hollywood, but sometimes life is occasionally just that awesome.

>Specific acts of bravery and prowess by the Southeastern warriors are also documented in the narratives, and they provide an indication of the sophisticated martial capabilities of the Southeastern warriors. Garcilaso (Varner and Varner 1951:146) described an incident near the Santa Fe and Ichtucknee Rivers in northern Florida, which occurred when De Soto's expedition captured several hundred warriors and their chief, Caliquen3. Caliquen planned, and executed, an unsuccessful uprising against the Spanish captors. He attacked De Soto with his fists at the end of a meal and gave a prearranged yell, which signalled all of the captive warriors to simultaneously attack their Spanish captors. The Caliquen uprising provides the most detailed account by the Spaniards of the hand-to-hand combat abilities of a coordinated group of Southeastern warriors, therefore the account is discussed in some detail here.
>(cont.)

>Garcilaso (Varner and Varner 1951:163-164) describes Caliquen's physical assault on De Soto as follows:
>Seven days after the recent skirmish and rout [when the Indians had been captured], just at the moment when the Governor and ...[Caliquen]... had finished eating (for the Governor had granted the Cacique all possible courtesies in order to win his friendship), the latter sat bolt upright in his chair and, turning his body from one side to the other, extended his arms in both directions with his hands closed and then brought them back again until his fists rested upon his shoulders. Then he shook his arms once or twice with such force and violence as to cause both bones and joints to crack like breaking canes. The purpose of these gestures was to awaken and call up the force to carry out his plan, and the procedure is a common one which is done almost spontaneously by the Indians of Florida when they wish to accomplish something that requires strength4. Having completed these movements, the Cacique rose to his feet with all imaginable savagery and fierceness and in an instant closed with the Adelantado, on whose right he had been seated. Seizing him by the collar with his left hand, he gave him such a blow over the eyes, mouth and nose with his right fist that he knocked down the chair in which he was seated and stretched him out unconscious on his back as if he had been a child. Then, in order to finish with his victim, he let himself fall upon him, while at the same time giving such a tremendous roar that it could be heard for a quarter of a league around. (Author's brackets).

>procopius was pretty based
He really was

>>"At that time they say that the Emperor Honorius in Ravenna received the message from one of the eunuchs, evidently a keeper of the poultry, that Rome had perished. And he cried out and said, 'And yet it has just eaten from my hands!' For he had a very large cock, Rome by name; and the eunuch comprehending his words said that it was the city of Rome which had perished at the hands of Alaric, and the emperor with a sigh of relief answered quickly: 'But I thought that my fowl Rome had perished.' So great, they say, was the folly with which this emperor was possessed." Procopius, The Vandalic War (III.2.25–26)

Why is everyone in this photo so ugly?

>Hitler saw Mannerheim as a great friend, but Mannerheim did not in any way like Hitler.

Probably cuz they are related to you

>During WW2 the RAF experimented with drugs in order to increase the combat effectiveness of their pilots.
>There was a bomber crew that was drugged up before their mission. While flying in formation to their target, the crew veered off and pushed their Lancaster into a steep dive. Flying at treetop height, they dodged the German flak and hit their target with pinpoint accuracy. When the crew was later interrogated on their actions, the pilot politely responded, "We only wanted a better view of the target."

On the 1st of June 1832, General Jean Maximilien Lamarque died from the fashionable new cholera epidemic. Lamarque had been a popular hero of the Napoleonic Wars and a liberal, left-wing no-good.

During the funeral procession on the 5th June, his cortège was hijacked by students and taken to the Pont d’Austerlitz, where they made lengthy speeches about the need for a republic

As 200 dragoons turned up to intervene, a spectral figure riding a black stallion galloped by flying a red flag with “Liberty or Death!” written on it. This affected the crowd as if, “… the holy spirit had descended upon them prematurely; they began to utter the strangest prophecies as the sight of the red flag, acting like a magic charm, caused them to take leave of their senses.” The dragoons, though peaceable enough, were soon met with abuse, stones and eventually bullets.

>As the revolutionaries of 1848 were marching on the palace, he is supposed to have asked Metternich for an explanation. When Metternich answered that they were making a revolution, Ferdinand is supposed to have said "But are they allowed to do that?"

Beer was one of the few ways to live in marginal lands with bad sources of water since you would get dysentery and die. Its also caloric dense. One of the few ways to live in the marginal lands of britain was to consume vast quantities of beer as a supplement to your shit food. (Shepherds had much better luck)
Fetal alcohol syndrome is also why so many of the medieval people were mongoloids.

>(Shepherds had much better luck)
How?

>were
Half of britain still is

I've got a pretty good one
>Armenians during the first crusade
>primarily christian
>still held large swaths of land
>Manzikert happens (okay i forget what battle specifically, could have been during the first crusade)
>Frankish mercenary breaks through solo
>defeats artillery crews from bombing a city
>Armenian priests thought it was a prophetic event

Cut to the first crusade

>Franks show up again
>initially they thought they were ERE warlords
>initially played ball
>Realized oh shit these aren't the same cunts
>Way more show up, frightens the shit out of people
>Start becoming convinced that Rome has rose again
>that they were going to come as a horde from the west and smite back muslim scum and reclaim their glory

Easy access to sheep to make pre urban life livable.

t. Welsh

British peasants ate much more meat than their continental counterparts because of the marginal land that favored sheep. Shepherds conveniently ate sheep if they kept them alive sufficiently. Wool was also a commodity good that was in high demand, lord wanted the wool to send across the channel to sell in dutch port towns to the guilds.

Additionally, pigs were pretty common to keep in forests to feast on acorns before being rounded up and brought back to the village in late fall before winter. A lot of british peasants ate meat during this time, or potted it for that reason.

Not all british peasants were serfs either, there were Villains which made up 20% or more of the labor force I think which had considerable rights.

British beer is pretty damn terrible, but laborers (usually as soon as they hit puberty) would be drinking liters of beers a day to keep from passing out from dehydration and to fuel their bodies energy needs.

>villains

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Battle of Karánsebes

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Karánsebes

youtube.com/watch?v=n-rWnQphPdQ

Kveldulf= night wolf= werewolf?

Look at that ladies mustache!!!!!

At the siege of Antioch,a priest by the name of Peter Bartholomew claimed that the holy spirit had visited him in a dream telling him that the holy lance was buried under the city's main church. After some digging it is was amazingly uncovered.

The crusaders despite their terrible weakness from hunger set out to meet the turkish army head on. The suddenness of the attack caught the turkish off guard allowing the crusaders to overcome their numerically superior foe.

Many people did criticize the find as the lance was already in constantinople which some members had seen when they were there. the popes representative was the most determined critic of its authenticity.

The priest Bartholomew definitely believed that he had found the holy lance and latter agree on his own request to a trial by fire where he would walk through fire with the lance in hand to prove it was real, it didn't work out to well for him

Guy I know who was in Helmand IIRC, spoke of a local 50 something translater, who when with them on patrol just wore his raybans, red bandana and bandolier. Supposedly he had probably killed more Taliban than the rest of them put together, had a 21 year old wife and seemed completely fearless.

>legend has it that he sat up and freaked everyone out. This is allegedly due to tendons contractng from high heat, but it adds to the legend.

Jesus fucking christ that's spooky