/ddlc/ - Doki Doki Literature Club! #151

...

>tfw no yuri trap gf to breed

I love my wife too!

Who on left?

*bullies sayori*
>she cries and a bunch of beta males come to her defense
*bullies monkia*
>she sighs and deletes you out of exsistance
*bullies yuri*
>she laughs it off then kidnaps you on the way home and tortures you to death

it's a c o n s p i r a c y

>Monika in love with you!
>Monika hanging out with you, and having a sexual daydream about you!
>Monika cumming in her pants, moaning disruptively in public and ahegao'ing! Everyone staring at her!
>Monika proudly telling you that she needs to change her panties!

Monika but she keeps asking you to fuck her in the club closet even though she's a screamer

*bullies natsuki"
>she beats the shit out of you

Where the FUCK do I find a qt Sayori to orbit?

sex with Momika in the missionary position while holding hands

feels aesthetic man

Hanging out with Sayori!

>Natsuki swings!
>And instantly gets winded!
>Whoops, she's already unconscious!
>You just stare in astonishment!

Lewd!

Do want.

Guys I don't know what to do
ddlc sings and thanksgiving were the only things I was looking forward to
Now that they are both over i don't really have anything to look fowards to in life

>you and monika trying desperately to stay quiet behind the door as natsuki retrieves a manga from her collection
>you're still inside her
>monika giving you away by moaning

That's partly why DDLC fucked me up so bad, honestly. I took up (wholesome) writefagging because writing happy endings for the girls has been really cathartic for me. But one of the major reasons the game's tearing me up inside is just how good it is.

As an aspiring authorfag myself, it feels really discouraging to come across an excellent piece like this, cuz you can't help but think to yourself, "I'll never create something as good as this."

Part of that, like you said, is really strong characters. But the meta elements of the plot, too, are something which you can't really do outside of videogames, so my short stories and other written-word projects suddenly feel a lot less clever. You know?

Look forward to /ddlc/ sings Sayo-nara and Christmas!

welcome back monikanon. sorry but I'm not really in the mood to write anything tonight.

what about seeing keychain user getting his keychain?

/ddlc/ sexy moans in the closet

Momika?

There's always something to look forward to. If not now, there will be. Patience is key.

Singing with /ddlc/ and Monika! Renewing our faith in humanity with Monika! Dan moving to the Maldives with all that keychain money and Monika!!!

>Patience is key
i will put in my keychain.
IF I HAD ONE.

WIT BIGGIE MILKIE

the fucking leprechaun already had a pot of gold, he didn't need our keychain money as well

Poems.
Every day.
Writing, commenting, or just reading.

Ridiculous. You didn't know you'd have /ddlc/ Sings to look forward to before, did you? And yet it came up anyway. Life isn't just suffering. There's always something good around the corner if you LOOK for it. Keep the faith, user. Life is worth living.

user!
>Favorite Doki
>How you would bully Dan

I've been patient for years and it's only gotten worse and more painful
Recent developments in my family aren't helping either

>Monika!
>Hey Danlet, the meleefags called, your shitty mod is broke again

I can't decide between Monika and Natsuki, but I'd clip keychains to his ears and call him a sissy girl.

Your biggest problem, IMO, is passive language. You overrely on the word "be," for example. Here's your very first passage:
>Even though the entire morning had been muggy and gray, I hadn’t been expecting the torrential rain that was coming down. The only warning that it was coming was a lone thunderclap, followed by the mind-numbing drone of pouring rain.
You use the verb "to be" three times in the first sentence:
>had been
>hadn't been
>was
And in the second sentence you use it twice:
>was
>was

These words aren't inherently bad, but "passive voice" actually removes agency from a character, or from a story. Here's an example:

>I was stung by a bee
This is passive voice. The subject of the sentence ("I") is not the one doing any action; rather, an action is inflicted upon him.
>A bee stung me.
Active voice. The bee is the subject and you are the object of its action.

So in order to rewrite your first two sentences with a stronger active voice, they may end up looking something like this:
>Even though it had been muggy and gray all morning, I hadn't expected the torrential rain that poured from my gutters. Only a lone thunderclap warned of its coming, which a mind-numbing drone of pouring rain then followed.

It's not perfect (I still used the word "been" once), but it's no longer superfluous, either.

As for the good stuff, you command mystery, tension, and dramatic development very well. You immediately had me wondering about the sense of foreboding you'd left in your atmosphere: the weather, of course, but then also the frantic search for the cell phone. I could feel the urgency in MC's quest to find it, and this is something you do quite excellently.

And that's Monika's writing tip of the day!

Monika
I'd flick his nose and put my hand on his forehead while he tries to swing at me with his little arms

Not him but thanks for the tip! I'm gonna try my best to keep it in mind when I write!

I love Yuri
Post Yuri

Sayori!
I would put his keys on the top shelf!

yuri a shit

Huh my bad. Reffering to this

...

No.

Our Doki is beautiful. All other dokis are also beautiful

>Yuri
>Make fun of his high pitched voice and likely low-testosterone

I deleted and reposted because of an error I detected in the post. Not your fault!

>Passive language
Boy do I have a problem with using passive language; active voice is something that I've never gotten the hang of. I don't know if at some point I thought I had to write 'politely,' but I tend to subdue things as I go. Going back to undo that is a monumental chore, and occupies most of my time when I'm editing.
Thank you for giving a ton of detail. I understand that it's not really ideal to put out such a huge wall of text for every fic that floats downstream, but it's incredibly helpful!

i hate act 2 yuri so much

act 1 yuri was my borderline waifu

it is a dark day in /ddlc/ history, as we lost a special person to us, the one we all know and love by the trip justharmonika, he is still with us in the spirit of anonimity, but it is not the same, I personally feel a little sad because every time I came here for the past couple weeks I've always been looking forward to seeing his posts. There is no happiness to be found here anymore. Even more so since we will never probably see our keychains.

>active voice is something that I've never gotten the hang of.
>I've never gotten the hang of active voice.

You blew it user

>Sayori
Halo CE
>Yuri
Halo 2 and ODST
>Natsuki
Halo 3
>Monika
Halo Reach and Wars

No worries! I just wanted to thank you! I feel like my writing will improve if I follow the advice

Another song we will take and make our own!
Channeling this raw apathy into poems!
Pick a slightly weird occurrence that goes on here and all-in on it! Make one if you have to!
I know this complete lack of a first foothold but if this place can make you care about it maybe it can spread a little!

Since Dan complemented our singing can we be nicer to him now?
Seriously guys, I'm very sensitive to the height jokes

Active voice is something of which I've never gotten the hang.

Dan 'Natsuki's taller than me' Salvato

I enjoy the keychain meme more than I could ever enjoy an actual keychain. Not sure I even want them to be shipped.

>Sayori has best taste
As expected. I'd play through co-op on Legendary with her.

/DDLC/ sings Monika no.5 and writing our own songs? I bet!

It's ok user, not everyone is 6 ft master race

>tfw 5'7''
At least there's good lodging down here in the manlet pit.

>You didn't know you'd have /ddlc/ Sings to look forward to before,
Before /ddlc/ sings it was a struggle to get out of bed. Hell, before I found /ddlc/ it was a struggle to get out of bed. Before I had /ddlc/ I was just forcing myself to stay alive for my family's sake alone.

>I'm
DAN GIVE US KEYCHAINS NOW

Fuck off Dan give us the keychains

My man same

youtube.com/watch?v=Tb9nWs3rkBA holy shit i just found this Snail's House lookin-ass bonus track and it's real fucking good

I-I mean, in a medium like this, I tend to type as if I'm speaking.
I'm sweating bullets because I can't figure out what the problem with the sentence is. It might be a bit late right now a-ahaha.

>Monika
>Break into his house, pick up everything and put it on a shelf higher than four feet. Destroy or take any platform he could stand on. Everything is glued to the shelves and he can't remove them anyway. Leave an upper decker in his toilet. Why do I remember that one post of someone brushing shit in hard to notice places all over someones house

Monika...

>But the meta elements of the plot, too, are something which you can't really do outside of videogames, so my short stories and other written-word projects suddenly feel a lot less clever.
Dunno about that. Films can do it pretty well, The NeverEnding Story and In the Mouth of Madness are great examples. Tolkien basically wrote himself as a translator/historian of the Red Book of Westmarch for LotR. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples but these are the first things coming to mind. Then there are sillier things like Animator vs Animation or pic related. tl;dr get creative and think, I'm sure you can do it!

Trust me same. I never realise how faulty my speaking is until it's reviewed

fuck me and my dwarf genes, I'm actually 5'6" and was just meming, now it backfired

You still have us, so don't despair. We're here, and there will always be more ways to contribute to this great general. Why don't you turn that sadness into a poem?

>Monika
>"On average, people love Monika more than you"

feels good man calling dan a manlet while being a manlet

Monika is 5'3 btw

>tfw I'm amused as fuck at the height jokes despite being shorter than ya'll because I'm happy with my height

Yuri but she wears clown shoes

>exactly 6'0
Feels acceptable.

Yuri's a cutie.

Same here, though I still kinda like Act 2 Yuri.
I'm kind of surprised by how much I liked Yuri, actually, now that I think about it. It certainly helps that she adds a nice change to the trope, but goddamn.

I think its hilarious u kids talking about dan. u wouldnt say this stuff to him at lan, hes jacked. not only that but he wears the freshest clothes, eats at the chillest restaurants and fucks the hottest dudes. yall are pathetic lol

Hi Dan!
Where the fuck are the keychains?

>ODST
Good to see Yuri likes the first Xbox 360 game that got me into Halo, and gaming as a whole

>and fucks the hottest dudes
kek

Same. I accepted it long ago

>user I've been thinking, since i turned those girls into mindless beings what should we do with them, its not like you'll remember them anyway.

Hey.
Stop doing that.

Your SMS mods were cool, is that what you want to hear man?

>mindflayer17
Are there 16 more?

You actually didn't use passive voice in your original sentence, ha ha. But you see how removing the word "to be" (conjugated as "is" in your sentence) streamlines it and makes it feel stronger overall, right? He has written a shorter version of your sentence, but it boasts exactly the same amount of impact.

This doesn't matter while speaking, or writing casual Veeky Forums posts, but during your fiction writing you will notice visible improvements in the flow of your sentences.