>you suddenly get teleported to March 13th 44 BC Ancient Rome butt naked in front of Julius Caesar taking a private bath
how do you survive this?
>inb4 tell him you're from the future
Not so fast cowboy! First you must find a way to avoid being tortured and executed for your unauthorised entry into Caesar's private bath.
[x] try to seduce him
Torture and execution would be totally worth keeping Caesar alive desu
Kill all the senators that would kill him in Hitman style.
(((edgy)))
Well first of all I'd regret not learning Latin in school when I could've.
Offer up that I'm a slave, sent in to assist him with assorted oil/scraping related duties. It legitimately seems like the only way to survive that situation other than bolt and rely on confusion, or perhaps offering up some inormation regarding the layout of Parthia? I could say I was a merchants son, enslaved by barbarians in Scythia and having escaped. Stoke his ego, mention having been inspired by his speeches, and beg him to listen to what you have to say about Parthia and Scythia. Hope that he'll then take me on as an oddity/guide for a while. Hopefully set up a monopoly on some cool resource deposits the Romans hadn't found, or mention a way the Indians/Chinese use saltpeter, a unique technology I discovered on my travels.
Hopefully he lets me out of his sight within the day, so I can run to Cicero and tell him about the conspiracy. If Cicero had been able to co-ordinate with the Liberators, perhaps the republic could have been salvaged.
I'd fuck the queen of Bithynia in the ass. She liked that quite a lot.
Aha! Finally that Latin class isn't a waste!
Tell him I am a well traveled man with many great secrets to share him, such as military technologies and civil engineering. Offer to serve him in my entirety, marching with him and leading him to several victories. Hopefully I could use gunpowder to stop his assassination, but if not I shall die alongside him.
He must know that there's a plot against him by that point, I can name the players.
First I'd try to impress him with my lighter. If that failed, I'd have to kill him.
Or smartphone lel
Find something to write on and draw circles and algebra while babbling about math in english, namedrop pythagoras as often as I can and hope he thinks I'm just some weird-ass intellectual.
Explain to him I am a Magi speaking my finest Spanish/Italian/French mix.
I am confident he wouldn't mind my Provincial discourse as I explain I have acquired secrete knowledge and mysteries travelling across the known world. I would then proceed to dismantle his foes while securing my safety and my villa in Caesarea.
>offer him my services
>???
>rule Rome
I feel like it would probably end like the story The Man Who Came Early
Assume the position.
CAVE·IDVS·MARTIAS·MARCVS·IVNIVS·BRVTVS·GAIVS·CASSIVS·LONGINVS·SENATVS·ROMANVS
before flinging myself into the thermae and inhaling as much water as possible because i don't want to live in a world without internet
kill him and join the Gauls.
Do you know latin?
drown the tyrant in his own bathwater and offer myself up as an Libertas-sent martyr when his many guards come to rape my eyesocket
SPQR
n.. no habla español
Tell him to beware the ides of March
He'd probably kill you himself tbqh
Let's be honest, we'd all give him a blowjob even if we were teleported to the forum on the 15th of March 44 BC with an stg44 and a backpack full of past-proof books, electronics and a lifetime of medication for his seizures just in time to save him from his assassins.
>seo é ar son an Ghaill agus Vercingetorix, a fear-gorm Laidineach
then kill him
I don't even speak his language, I will be tortured to death.
>you will never purge the senate with an AR-10, saving Caesar's life and setting up the new Empire for the glory of Rome
;_;
>finest Spanish/Italian/French mix
0% chance of that working tbqphwy fan
I don't know Latin, so best thing I can do is start screaming Brutus and Cassius' names or something and charge at Caesar, where upon he or his guards will promptly kill me.
Best case scenario, the whole episode should put Caesar on edge, and he either immediately heads to Parthia, or investigates the possibility of an assassination attempt on himself.
cassius, kill the moonbloods!
I will survive, because I am Caesar. I'm just in front of the big mirror.
Take a dump on the floor
i wouldn't
LONG LIVE OPTIMATES
Babble somethings in my bad latin. Tell them I'm a slave that was forgotten and now is lost. If I would survive the first hour or so, worst part would start because if they ask for my origin and i'd tell him/them that I'm from the Germania they'll let me talk to some other Germanic slave which whom I wouldn't be able to comunicate because all Germanic words I know are they names of the gods
>tfw the only thing i remember from latin is omnia gallia in tres partes divisa est
>how do you survive this?
CIVIS ROMANVS SVM
DETAINED SVM?
>naked
Bud I think you have your lighters in the wrong place
I roll to seduce, offering to catch for him as it would be undesirable for Caesar otherwise
Kill caesar and make carthage great again
>and join the Gauls.
Which tribe? I certainly hope that you aren't implying that the gauls were united, right?