What's the one thing you've done at work that would instantly get you fired if anyone found out?

Same user..

MOM'S GONNA FREAK

looked at /b/

I spend literally all my working hours on Veeky Forums but tell people I'm programming.

Am working now.

Don Draper af

Stealing lots of random shit, last thing I took was a mac mini. Going to take a laptop soon, just need to bring a bigger bag with me one day.

I have a good one:

>Work for large publicly traded tech company
>Front end dev for consumer facing marketing site
>1,000,000+ visitors/month
>Boss: user, we need to get our google Site Speed score up, can you do some optimizations?
>No_prob.jpg
>Create test directory by cloning the master template
>Add the meta tag so Google doesn't doesn't index my test page
>Accidentally merge the into the master branch when I'm done
>3 weeks later
>Traffick has dropped precipitously
>Whole company is freaking out, we're losing hundreds of thousands if not millions of $$$$$ in potential revenue
>Boss can't figure out what's wrong, he is about to get fired
>Calls Google directly, pays a shit load of money to get 2 engineers from Google out here to run some analysis
>30 minutes before they show up I discover the tag
>HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.jpg I'm toast
>Hotfix on master branch, clicking like a madman trying to get google to re-index the entire goddamn website
>Google engineers show up
>Run tests
>No problems
>Website suddenly appearing at top of Google search results again
>Everything is fine and no one ever found out I literally, personally fucked the stock price for 3rd quarter

I bought VTR on the company dime.

Fucking kek

lifeguarded at the top of a slide when i was younger
pool was empty
jacked off to other lifeguards into the top of the slide

Thanks Robert, we've been trying to bust you for age

I'm literally crying of laughter.

Kys larping faggot.

Posts like these are the reason why I left /pol/ and never looked back. I love my fellow Veeky Forumsnessmen so much. That and the Bitbean shills. I miss when a few weeks ago it was all just memes and now they're millionaires.

got in to the office early, was the only one in so i had a quick wank and jizzed all over my female co-workers spinny chair, it dried by the time she got in and she never really noticed it, it is still there as a pale white stain, it looks like spilled yoghurt

Flipped off a customer. Have also taken a few naps.

this. i often sneak somewhere private and take naps. once i took a 2 hour nap in the back of one of our transporters

Played Runescape all day at work once since pretty much nobody showed up that day because of bad weather.

>Be working for some Eastern Europoor country's military
>Low in the ranks
>Still loads of very sensitive classified material about NATO troop exercises etc.
>Every week I'm tasked with throwing away all our "classified" trash
>They tell me to throw it the classified material container
>Show me were it is approximately located on our base
>Never describe it or anything
>Go there with classified stuff every week
>See some trash containers standing there and throw it in
>Do this for a year

>One time go there with one of the sergeants from my office
>Go to throw away the classified stuff in the usual container
>"What are you doing user?"
>laughs and thinks I'm joking
>J-just kk-kiding.
>Find out that just behind the corner there is a guarded installation with a massive shipping container to put the classified trash in
>Have to sign for it
>Luckily they never checked for my previous signatures

you two win

>implying you can stop me

Might go and take the laptop this week. Fairly annoyed I couldn't get the newer one since someone actually remembered that it exists.

Fucked in my company car

I can't get fired because I'm unemployed.

Sounds like Binland

Indeed. Growing up has to happen one day. /pol/ is full of brainlets

I always imagine that he's strumming out "Master Exploder" because that'd be the most appropriate.

bump

This is a good thread. We should have these more.
Mine are really tame.

I recently got reprimanded for going home early almost every shift for the entire year. I still take extra breaks when I can and I don't mark them down so I still get paid for them.
Cars with super bright headlights often shine through my window directly into my eyes and I used to try to reflect it back with a mirror.
Can't smoke weed or anything even off work because we get randomly drug-tested, but I know several people who do it anyway.
I talk a lot of shit about my co-workers behind their backs. A lot of shit.
I was walking around on a night off while drunk and stumbled by to use the employee bathroom.
All in all, pretty tame.

Retail manager.

>Jerked off in bathroom several times
>Sneak out a fuckton of items at the end of every shift, totalling $20-$100/day
>Often take extra long breaks because I can
>Have bluetooth earpiece on. People think it's silent but I use it to listen to music, audiobooks or podcasts during my shifts

desu the job would suck but I make it be a good one.

Took $1,000 in cash in April and bought 20 ETH. Made books jive so nobody will ever know.

this desu

thank you mimi app

this is one i got caught for but it was so unlucky its unreal

>fitting a new coffee shop out on house of frasier in london
>went on cigarette break
>threw my butt in a skip
>go upstairs 10 mins later see smoke everywhere
>haha wtf lel
>skip burned down theres like 2 fire engines
>i deny it was me
>they have me on camera
>get sacked
>go upstairs and take as much beer as possible in my bags

then i got another job

haha ffs user

>Was working as a security guard in a company
>Veeky Forums all the time, movies, games on one of the big screens in a conference room
>I am actually supposed to walk three different routes within the building
>even got a mobile for several checkpoints, so the operation center would know where I am
>didn't do fucking shit, neither was going anywhere, at the desk all the time
>ordered pizza everyday
>"user, according to the system you haven't been to one checkpoint this week"
>tell them the mobile doesn't work
>they never asked again
Also I left ten minutes earlier everday

LOL

IKTF

I've literally never done anything weird or wrong at work holy shit
>tfw you realize you're borderline normie

Got another employee fired cause I didn't like them. Forged a note saying they wanted to kill the boss.

I do half of my crypto trading and spend almost all of my time on Veeky Forums during my shift as a fuel clerk.

5-8 hours sitting in a booth on my phone.

Literally got into trading because I didn't know what movie to watch and I was sick of /pol/ and Veeky Forums.

Best job ever, I'm their favorite employee.

lol same here

>be project manager
>in a rush, create a pdf of the budget to the gov (partner of the project), specifically tailored for them.
>name the pdf budget.pdf
>accidentally send budget.xlsx, the excel document showing all our budget shenanigans
>ohshit.jpg
>if they read the fucking excel sheets they will see how much we fucked them.
>once home, connect to my company's email
>send an email with the pdf, trying to play it cool and trick them not to open the excel file (I apologized I just sent some outdated excel data that weighed too many megabytes and they should have the lightweight pdf we just made for them instead.
>delete the sent mail
>don't tell the boss and pray the gov doesn't open our excel file and find the fuckery.
>live in fear for weeks that the project might be cancelled because of that.
>finally all good in the hood the budget is accepted and we receive the funds.

Holy shit

Who doesn't like Don?
But the thing is that you have to be really really fucking careful not to end up with one trying to sue your ass or some other nasty shit. The best you can do is make it look like it was their idea to fuck you and also to leave you. It's not that difficult but gives me some peace that I'm doing something I said I would never do when I started working when I was in my early 20s, fucking coworkers.

I love you retards, I would never be mad at you if I find you fucking around with memes.

>be 22, no life loser
>boring at work, about 100 people in the department with shifts
>i and 30 other people get morning to evening
>stack boxes, sit at desks, read invoices. days are slow
>hear gossip and catch on to boss and some other employees fucking
>start taking notes on restroom times and how long some employees sneak off too.
>its pretty much a schedule
>premptivley hide in a bathroom stall and catch a show of a coworker railing some hot piece of ass. he lasts a minute small dick and the girl was never really into it but she still does it. dude is kinda an asshole tho.
>hide between some stacks of boxes in the opposite side of the warehouse and catch another show of a quickie.
>jack off sometimes watching
>some girls were fat, the ones i looked foward too seeing were 2 hot ones
>what was crazy is that some of the girls where double dipping behind other co workers back.
>almost got caught because i held in a chuckle because one of the dudes farted while taking a girl from behind and she turned around with a what the fuck look on her face while moaning.

I'm not going back ever again.

A girl has been outted as the NSA leaker and they all want her head on a platter since we're all incels and reddit shills took over.

She literally released NSA info that caused the biggest hack in history, forcing windows to PATCH the backdoor they left for the NSA.

The other leaks also showed how digital fingerprinting is fucked and you can frame people (ie MUH RUSSIANS)

But no, no reason. 10 YEARS! LOCK HER UP! HANG THE TRAITOR.

Fucking retards and hypocrites. Literally the new /b/.

>worked at a softball park for a year
>did a mean burnout in the work truck
>drifted a golf cart in the outfield one night

That's about it. Started a job at a tire shop today. I will probably get fired if I don't quit within a week, I already hate the job