You teleport into Hitlers body 1938. what would you do differently

You teleport into Hitlers body 1938. what would you do differently

Resign to a comfy cabin in the Austrian Alps and let Rudolf Hess take over as führer

kill self right away instead of waiting

Kill self instantly after making sure it would be impossible for someone else to fulfill the role of "Hitler."

Let the Soviets invade Poland first.

>shave mustache
>start lifting
>actually read Nietzsche
>annex Austria
>annex Sudetenland (maybe)
>restore Republican government in Germany; or maybe some sort of Constitutional Monarchy like in Britain, with me as first citizen or whatnot
>stop being a perverted fag with femdom fetish, get married and have children
>cozy up to Britain and France, trying to convince them of the mutual threat that is militant Bolshevism
>reform the German economy under more socialistic principles
>work on my impersonations of my staff

You're kidding... R-right?

Wear diapers when having stomach problems so I don't have to throw away or change underwear.

Annex Australia

>femdom fetish
its fucking great,

I don't think he was changing his underwear up to 4 times daily to be like Eva Braun!

Rudolf Hess had no political ability. Hitler liked him because Hess saved his life once, that's all.

>femdom fetish
wtf i like Hitler now

I think he was making a little bit of poo poo in them on his way to the bathroom, so if I lived in his body, I would get me some diapers or put Eva's feminine products in my underwear.

If I lived in his body, I would wear or invent some of these!

Where do these memes come from?

Then I would cover the diaper by wearing a pair of lederhosen and just go in it like as if it's 1890 again!!!

Quit while I was fucking ahead.

Then I would remove it, clean up, and measure my hypo cock while viewing the mess!!!

Kill party leadership and myself while making a shitty bane quote.

Then Freud would know my mind never left the anal stage of development!

If I lived in Hitler's body, I would take at least 1 picture of my junk nude to dispel all those micro penis myths. Hypospadias does not always mean small!

Turn Germany into an Anarcho-Capitalist utopia.

Hitler got mad when people would replace his poop stained underwear with new one identical to them because he felt worse about not being able to keep them clean. This is a fact documented by his laundry maid. I think he would have been much happier had adult diapers been invented back then.

Why did Hitler have poop stained underwear?

When I invade the Soviet Union, promise each ethnic minority their own independent state instead of trying to turn half of Russia into Lebensraum.

Ukrainians, Balts and other minorities who hate the Soviet Union sign up in droves to fight for their freedom.

Also create a Russian government in exile from parts of the White Movement, to attract anti-Communist Russians to our cause.

Seriously, if Hitler dropped the retarded bits of Nazi ideology and had been pragmatic he might have stood a chance.

And when you win, would you keep those promises or drive them all across the Ural mountains?

I'd speak English and not understand anything anyone tells me.

Kill myself so that someone actually competent rakes over

Savage.

Keep them. Why not? The alternative is trying to deal with permanent partisan activity across an area with a population larger than Germany. Having friendly buffer states in Eastern Europe is still a win.

Convince Poland to let wehrmacht pass and destroy the commie jews. Ask rest of western europe to help out.

Whole point is to drop the retarded Nazi act so why would you do that after you've won?

Because he was a man, and every red-blooded XY male has had a skid mark in his underwear!!! (Women are special, and like they say, "Girls don't poop!")

Mark border with durable posts to prevent mapping and border disputes. Strengthen and expand connections with territories and spook others to see how much of Africa I can take without having to really fight. I mean I could take Poland and stop, but I think I could get a lot more out of Africa, given nobody cares much for it. Push claims on other trivial lands like Antarctica, I know it will be worth something later.

Tighten borders and build up internally so my people are the envy of the world. Focus on sustainable tech that empowers people and is disaster resilient.

I am playing the long game here. When shit hits the fan my aid comes at a price, and bit by bit I will buy the world from those willing fools.

Also learn German.

Grow a full beard!

He looks like some kind of serbian gang boss. I like it.

Send a secret communique to King George VI swearing allegiance to the Crown in secret and requesting instructions on how to assist in obtaining sustainable Anglo dominion over the whole world with an addendum including my knowledge of nuclear weapons.

Go to Peru and do lots of ayahuasca. At some point, I'd decide to stay, marry some mulatta with amazing bunda and milky brown tits, and start my own shamanistic jungle Volkisch pure-living cult with monthly ayahuasca group sessions. We'd start a rubber farm for cash, and with our German technical skillz, start furniture, architecture and building side businesses.

Holocaust, this time for real

What in god's name makes you think that Hess would make a better leader than Hitler or any of the other prominent men in the Third Reich?

/leftypol/.

>annex Austria
>forget about Czechoslovakia or Poland for now
>round up all Jewish scientists
>force them all to research nuclear fission under promise of giving them Israel
>dedicate all German scientists available to nuclear fission
>also develop a long range strategic bomber
>place panther tank on industrial production line, produce this tank and no others
>once I have nuclear weapons in store, launch invasion of Poland, Denmark, Norway, Netherlands, Belgium and France as happened, but in 1942.
>when England refused to surrender, drop nuclear bombs on London, Manchester, Birmingham, Leeds
>occupy UK
>take Suez Canal and lifeline to Middle East, oil problem solved
>launch invasion of ussr with nuclear weapons, obliterating Moscow, Leningrad and major soviet fronts.
>take all of Russia up to the urals
>tell Japan to fuck off, help nationalist china
>form anti-communist alliance with US
>help nationalist china beat communists

It's not about Hess being 'better'. In this timeline, Hitler has clearly stopped giving a fuck either way.

Kill myself earlier.

I'd kill more Jews tbqh

Seriously, what would be the point of even invading and occupying the UK if its major population/industrial centres are now piles of burning rubble? You'll have famine and societal collapse on your hands.

Nazis wanted London intact, there's a reason they didn't firebomb it or Buckingham, etc when they easily could have.

Not invade Russia thats for sure :D

This dont invade Russia meme needs to end.
Its almost like people genuinely believe the Soviets had any intention to follow the non aggression treaty.
Germany has success because the Soviets were not prepared at the start of Barbarossa.

>Don't invade Poland
>Drop alliance with Italy and Japan
>Seek alliance with Britain and US instead
>Establish strong defence on eastern front instead of invading Soviet Union
>Deport all Jews out of Germany instead of killing them

that should do it

>a fascist government with an ethnocentric policy, deporting jews
>allying with liberal democratic states with many jews in position of power
>not allying with the few other fascist countries near you, i.e. Italy.

sure.

wait until summer to invade russia

Rape a jewish woman.

Become marxist-leninist and ally with Stalin. End persecution of jews and compensate them. Don't invade anyone

Maybe thats the point

Change name to Adolphus Hitacus and help the Greek people take back Constantinople.

They did invade in summer.

Kek best one yet

>invade Poland, give half to USSR
>Invade France, launch operation sea lion
>once Britain and France are destroyed align with Turkey
>Full on invasion of USSR in April 1942

> launch operation sea lion
> fail miserably
> Barbarossa fails because USSR is rearmed, half-mobilized and has stable military hierarchy by the April 1942
> get crushed by 1944

>launch operation sea lion
>Full on invasion of USSR in April 1942
I think you're grossly overestimating your capabilities.

Build less meme weapons and tanks, and divert a shitton of resources to development of nuclear weapons.

Stop bringing up the Royal Navy.
Its a meme Period.
Britain ALMOST fucked themselves at Dunkirk
Most of the soldiers that left Dunkirk left on civilian ships while the Germans for some fucking reason decided to not bomb them to bits.

> Royal Navy is a meme
Not an argument.
> Germans for some fucking reason decided to not bomb them to bits
You're confused. Germans stopped the offense exactly because Goering ensured everybody the Luftwaffe would bomb the transport ships to bits. And he failed.

But even iwth Dunkirk, Germans still had no means to actually transport them to the Islands themselves.

>The Royal Navy is not a meme
Yes it is, their almost non-existent help at Dunkirk proves it.

Turkey wasn't even that powerful and their equipment was WW1 tier

In what way should Royal Navy had helped at Dunkirk? Battleships aren't transport vehicles, you know. I guess they convoyed the transports, but there was no danger of naval attack by the Germans.

don't bother, he is probably american.

"I want to produce a tank that did not exist at the time and was only designed after experience from fighting T-34s on the eastern front!"

I would place Petain into power then surrender to France and dismantle Germany

Cry about my micro penis

You think Germany, whose economy and industry was still ramshackle and only appeared to recover because of war spoils, would have the money, organization or resources to create nuclear weapons - at least five considering your list of cities to be bombed - when the United States, with infinitely more money, organization, discipline and resources undertook a massive all-encompassing secret project and managed to make all of two bombs? What the fuck are you smoking?

pull of my mask to reveal that hitler was trotsky all along and begin my worldwide revolution kill stalkin brutally as well

*stalin

If he had a micro I wouldn't want to see a macro?

If what he had was a micro I shudder to imagine a macro!!!

first spot best spot

Stop wearing underwear like this.

He should have made sure everyone knew he had BLUE eyes before he killed himself.

He should have drawn a picture of himself that could have been scanned and colorized.

>shave moustache
>fuck eva
>sabotage the country and let either the west or soviets take over

>He should have made sure everyone knew he had BROWN eyes before he killed himself.
FTFY

that's my favorite picture of Charlie Chaplin

I would have gone with ending my land grab sooner and trying to placate anglos by giving a bit of it back. But I think this could play out a lot better.

this

OMG, add glasses and he looks like Schulz

1938? Nothing can be done at this point. Total war is inevitable economically, politically and diplomatically. I try not making Barbarossa as underplanned as it was.

April 1933? Party program reform. Try to ease the antisemitism and aggression, seek reconcilliation with Strasser and Rohm, take up an anti-capitalist rhetoric (drop the alliance with the big industries, try to steal the workers' support from the socialists), set up a favourable relation to christianity so I could hopefully keep the alliance with Zentrum and other conservatives without having the SA beating up socialists, keep the volksicher roots, but try to drop the racial theory and change the blood-and-soil into culture-and-soil. Try to solve Versailles, Danzig and Austria diplomatically (UK and France were genuinely lenient and open to negotiation) and not self-destruct the economy through arms buildup. Try to make Germany into a good place instead of a worse shitshow than it was.

Youth? Stop being an indolent wannabe-bohemian, get my shit together and finish art school, found an ideology that combines romanticist nationalism with christian conservatism and syndicalism or another worker-focused alternative to capitalism and isn't retarded like NSDAP's ideology was.

Try to show goodwill towards Britain and France for a negotiation for the Danzig corridor. My proposition is to give Poland equal access rights to Danzig and maybe make the city itself remain internationally administered but the remaining land governed by Germany, until sometime in the future.

There is no need for war, so I cull the SS and make them less of a private army and more of a youth program. Building up an alliance with France and Britain against Communism would ensure my safety.

Grow a beard, relax the whole military doctrine, don't let go of any taken territories, try to restart the economy to get away from the whole military economy. Clean up my party, stop sperging out about muh Werldhauptstadt and all that. Above all, do not get into a war I am not 110% certain I will win within the month. Keep power untill retirement, retire peacefully, be known as that dude that liberals shit on but historians agree wasn't -that- bad.

Also, don't gas jews baka. Shut down synagogues and all, sure, but don't actively criminalize being jewish, or gypsy, or similar.

I forgot, also drop the lebensraum shit.

Creampie every youngest daughter. Let my generals have the older sisters mothers etc. Go back home and industrialise the Frick outta DAT mofo

Perfidious Albion propaganda.

Jews were deported for years.

>philo-stalinist
>not persecuting jews, not invading anyone
Pick one.

>change the blood-and-soil into culture-and-soil
>ensuring germany gets enriched a few decades earlier

>implying nazi germany wasn't a great place to live in as long as you were german

>implying generic christian conserative shit detached from the zeitgeist would have been successful

>calling the most successful/influential ideology of the time retarded

>idk bro nazis stuf r easy to fix hehe: The post

Changing blood and soil to culture and soil is essentially what Fascism was originally about in Italy.

Italian fascism in the beginning had zero emphasis on race, until Hitler came along.

delet

I would make sure there was no one who didn't know my eyes were bluer than the deep blue sea!!! Nothing makes me madder than people saying he didn't have blue eyes despite wanting to create a blue-eyed Aryan race.

Nothing brown about those eyes!