ITT: greentext your cunt's history

I don't have a vagina sir unless you mean my gf's.

>rock chuckers
>javilin chuckers invade
>rock chuckers take over again after javelin chuckers leave
>rock chuckers loose to spear chuckers who floated across on logs
>axe chuckers invade by floating across on bigger logs
>spear chuckes prove the better than the celts by BTFO'ing axe chuckers
>axe cuckers larping as javalin chuckers bastard child with the spear chuckers invade again with the help of logs
>spear chuckers get BTFO
>axe larpers invade and BTFO the rest of the rock chuckers
>axe larpers decide chucking arrows is more dakka
>newly christened arrow chuckers chuck arrows at the bastard child
>its super effective
>arrow chuckers upgrade to guns for even moar dakka
>go back to old past time of floating on logs
>somehow end up with 1/4 of world
>end up schooling the spear chuckers with senpai twice
>kids leave home
>been in a drunk stupor ever since

>Owned by Spain
>Spain is a religious asshat
>Have 80 year war of independence
>win
>Get raging hard on for the color orange.
>Steal the spice trade
>Transport negros across the sea
>Found New York
>Invent the stock market but instantly break it because flowers
>Get occupied by France
>They fuck up, we're free
>Get occupied by Germany
>They fuck up, we're free
>Legalise hookers and drugs for tourism profit
>First to allow gays to marry
>Spray sand into the sea to make more land

Could be worse.

>be Siberian nomads around Lake Baikal
>migrate to Northeast Asia, specifically Eastern Manchuria and Korean peninsula
>Half of us turn into Mongol wannabes
>Half go on to Korea and rape the filthy Austronesian niggers already living there
>Hundreds of years later, bunch of us go over to Japan and bring rice cultivation and cool pottery
>Spend next few hundred years as petty kingdoms We Wuzing as chinks and trying to BTFO each other
>Kingdom of Silla climbs to the top
>Few hundred years later, Silla falls and Goryeo takes over
>Chinks BTFO us
>Mongols BTFO us
>Mongols force us to build their fleet, conscript soldiers and sailors, provide supplies to invade Japan
>They get our ships and men sunk to the bottom twice because they can't into meteorology
>Goryeo kings become increasingly non Korean after a hundred years of marrying Borjigin Mongol princes
>General sent to fight the Chinese turns around and BTFO the current dynasty and establishes Joseon
>Get caught up in Japanese invasion and Asian cold war between Ming and Japs
>Get BTFO because we are a bunch of poor cunts with no weapons and shitty military
>Get a meme admiral that BTFO the Japanese fleet
>Withdraw from the world stage and spend the next few hundred years building arsenal of shitty arquebuses and cannon
>Americans land and BTFO our outdated weapons, killing more than 200 of us but we still refuse to open our borders except on our terms
>our erstwhile Japanese cousins annex us and fucking own us
>take all our shit and make us basically niggers in our own land
>force us to join their armies and get us killed for their autistic endgoals
>get divided by America and Russia at the end of WW2
>country gets split in half
>massive civil war where a million of us die
>things settle down, Korea becomes fascist industrialist dictatorship operated by powerful families
>now we make smartphones and gay pop
>my whole country's culture is basically us getting BTFO by foreigners all the time

>Spanish colony settled in the River Plate
>Spanish sea monopoly only allows the merchants to interact with Spanish seaports
>merchants want to commerce with other nations, specially with England
>they smuggle goods from England to the River Plate's port
>some of those goods are books, and writtings about liberalism, enlightenment, nationalism, etc
>merchants and other aristocrats decide to gather up people, promising them freedom and soverignty from Spain
>6 years later, in July 9th 1816, we get our Independence
>we help Chile and Perú, chronologically
>Civil war between Unitarians and Federalists in Argentina
>Civil war between Blancos and Rojos in Uruguay
>the Eternal Anglo and the Eternal Frog jump in the scene and blockade the Paraná River (it forms alongside with the Uruguay River, the River Plate) in November 20th 1845
>they get btfo despite having cutting edge naval technology, because of that, Sovereignity Day is commemorated in that date
>we expand to the south and genocide almost all the amerindians
>agrarial potency, considered to be the granary of the world, we greaatly profit from the WWI
>oligarchy rules the country until we get universal vote
>dictatorships appear
>peronism appear
>interrupted democratic governments
>more dictatorships
>falkland war
>finally, democracy
>it is neoliberal politics
>2001, we had 5 presidents in two weeks

>Celts come
>Celts go
>Germans come
>Germans go
>Slavs come
>Slavs stay
>Pagan king gets Christ'd so he can sit around the table with the big guys
>Join HRE
>Get taken over by Austria
>Accidentally start the 30 years war
>ding dong it's the great war
>Support the other side
>Your soldiers go on trip around the world
>Gain independence
>Lose it for another fifty years, first to nazis then to commies
>Join EU

>WE
>WUZ
>FREEE

>for mostly unrelated reasons a few groups of british people decide to start living on the east coast
>britain does some 'bad' stuff, who cares desu
>previously unconnected colonies virtue signal about human rights and rebel
>somehow manage to not get btfo'd
>write some shitty document to govern the country
>replace it with a different one when it fails
>a few years later add some hogwash about rights at the bottom but dont make states follow it and still allow slavery
>4 score and 7 years later the cotton producing states get worried we'll take away their slaves and rebel
>get btfo'd and have their slaves taken away
>add another right saying the previous rights actually count now, tell the south to treat black people nice
>they say no
>get into silly wars with various yellow and red skinned people and usually do okay
>fight germany because everyone else is doing it
>ruin economy through overspeculation, lots of suicide
>fight germany again to fix economy
>get cocky because we are winning so many wars and start bullying countries that support a different economic system
>invade vietnam and go home crying after we lose against lmao rice farmers
>some annoying stuff cultural stuff happens, not all that interesting desu
>bearded man flies plane into a building
>start doing wars again
>some rich guys says a bunch of edgy stuff and becomes president
>people think this all was somehow motivated by natural rights or god or something and not just a bunch of random bullshit

>we united
>ah shit civil war
>OK back together
>fuck me it all fell apart
>OK we got this, stronger than ever
>fuuuuuuuck
>meanwhile hirsefuckers bring nothing but suffering
>meanwhile invent some philosophies n shit
>fucking genghis
>fucking subutai
>OK we reel Chinese again
>fuck it's the jurchens
>fucking westerners get your opium away reeeeeeee
>fuck it's the Japanese
>well that was fun what next?
>GREAT LEAP FORWARD
>be soviets little fuckboy for a while
>fucking Americans trying to take over Korea let's sling some shit at them too
>finally stop being communist
>things are OK for the moment I guess, Taiwan sitting in the corner sperging out all the time is kind of annoying though
>murilards blame us for making up climate change

>bunch of ooga boogaloos in the far far north
>erect a bunch of stones in line with sun and stars
>paint self blue and have body part fetish beliefs
>a bunch of javelin chuckers in crazy bright red uniforms turn up with siege equipment
>lots of fighting, bribery and trading
>red uniforms decide they don't like us and give up despite conquering and civilising half the known world, realising we weren't worth the hassle.
>build a wall
>Trump.gif
>we get pissed off and attack wall and then get our asses handed to us
>"hey the red tuniced fuckers are gone! Raaaaaaiiiiiiiids!"
>former red tunic suck ups pay us to stop and stop others.
>7 kings > 1 king
> big southern neighbour keeps being a dick and copying the red tunic dicks
>fReeeeeeeeedom!
>kill each other over religion for 500 years
>get absorbed by southern neighbour finally so we can help copy red tunics in other countries
>golden age.jpg
>southern partner becomes abusive
> "do you want to break up?"
>yes, no, hmmmmm, yes. No definitively no.
>"wait, I think I misunderstood the question."
>maybe actually? You've changed.

>Dis wuz our land.
> SHQIP land.
>We Albani wuz here before anyone!
>Da Serbs and their alliance came to drive us out.
>But we nevah give up. We nevah forget.
>Da Serbs took my eye, i cut off my own arm to escape.
>And now they fight alongside the /balk/ I spit on tha /balk/.
>I hate you, I hate you all... But I got a surprise for ya' now, so come on in...
>De Albani nevah give up, we nevah forget, we nevah die.
>Dis is our land, you wanna stay, you stay here forever.
>We gonna bury you here.

>invaded from north africa
>invaded by the celts
>invaded by the carthaginians
>invaded by the romans
>invaded by the vandals, the suevi, the alans and the gothes
>invaded by the byzantines
>invaded from north africa
>invaded by france
>invades america
>invaded by france
>2nd rate western country

>tribal as fuck
>haven't even invented the wheel
>whities with blond hair show up
>they're pretty chill
>apparently they come from a frozen shit hole even colder than our frozen shit hole
>eventually they pack up and leave
>whities show up again but with brown hair this time
>after a few words with them they build a fort and leave with some of our children
>wtf.totem
>whities come back en masse
>suddenly everyone is dying of disease
>tension with whities rising
>apparently now they're at war with some other whities
>original whities get btfo
>fully assimilated by whities by now
>our neighbors declare independence from europe
>do the same thing later but without having to start a revolution

>we live on a place called Turtle Island
>feels good man
>war between groups throughout this land, but nothing out of the ordinary
>settlers.exe
>for some reason these useless white men want rodent fur - give it to them for alcohol
>sweet deal
>suddenly we all have small pox
>they throw all our children into boarding schools
>we are no longer allowed to practice our own religion or speak our own language
>still boiling our drinking water to this day

>spanishfags land here looking for gold
>empty lands full of cows and pastures
>trade to metropolis
>Spain's royal house fall
>Independence
>trade with new superpower Britbong -->railroads
>inner political struggles
>new generations try to modernize the country on the image of USA USA USA
>granary of the world
>massive yuropoor immigration
>WWI world trade system kaput
>class struggle as economy stagnates
>fraudulent elections to keep oligarchy on top
>democracy
>1930 1st of several coup de state
>USA replace Bongistan as influential superpower
>WWII protectionism and peronism
>30 years political fight between protectionists and economic liberals->spinning round in the same place
>more coup de states
>leftist and rightwing struggle->bombs and killings shit got real
>70s military junta
>poverty and corruption start an epic uprise still going stronk
>neverending economic and social crisis while corrupt Big State sucks resources from everyday man

tl;dr whitegertina from went from yuropoor tier country to central america tier country in a century

>everything is horrible
>things are getting better
>oh no they just got worse
Repeat until now.

>Conquerors come.
>Conquerors go.
>But the rivers of blood still flow.

Portugal

>Fuck you Britain
>Fuck you natives
>Fuck you Britain again
>Fuck you natives again
>Fuck you slaves
>Fuck you Southerners
>Fuck you workers and fuck you nature
>Fuck you rest of the world
>Fuck you Germany
>Fuck you old world order
>Fuck you economy
>Fuck you Axis
>Fuck you atoms
>Fuck you commies
>Fuck you Muslims

who?

^Nostalgic Indian(.)
Please appreciate pottery.

>muslims come by and make some settlements
So you are a sudaca. God I hate the human filth that has entered in this country in the last couple of years

>Be Norwegian
>Live in libertarian paradise
>Guy with long dirty hair comes and invades my county
>Wants me to pay taxes and give up my right to make laws
>REEEEEEEEEEE TYRANTS GET OUT
>He doesn't get out
>head west
>find island
>establish ancap paradise
>Become Catholic
>Fjordniggers come and ruin it
>eventually gain independence through a mutual consensual contract
>build new ancap paradise
>shit I'm poor
>Anglos come and give me shitloads of money
>build best country in the world
>too bad I had to replace the ancap with a centrist gov't
>at least it's not a Scandinavian socialist hellhole

>some indoeuropean tribes arrive
>at spring the split up and go found new states
>they meet some crazy ass Anatolians
>they meet some other indoeuropeans in the South
>they meet some other indoeuropeans in the North
>one of these states gains hegemony over the others
>conquers a lot of shit
>converts to Christianity
>disgregates
>bad times nigga, g*rmans invade
>byzantines try to Reconquer the country
>Nope
>frankish kang conquer the North for the Pope
>North annexed to HRE
>some cities decide to rule themselves
>Germans fags are pissed
>they get btfo
>become economical and cultural superpower for some time
>other powers fuck all the states up
>becomes rather irrelevant
>gets unified in the XIX century
>betrays its Allies for some clay
>doesn't get what it wanted
>invent fascism
>go full fascist
>get fucked up
>regain economical relevance
>Hey its going pretty well
>fuck up

Obvious Murriland is obvious

>a bunch of brainlet celts
>apparently lose all wars and surrender every time there's a possibility
>magically end up with a big territory between several powerful western european countries

>Archipelago near China
>Island niggers come in boats
>More island niggers come, driving off the first wave
>Island niggers set up tribes and kingdoms
>much warfare
>Magellan arrives
>Magellan BTFO
>Spaniards finally arrive
>Sandniggers BTFO
>ChristianityFuckYeah.mp3
>300 years later, Sandnigger Revolution
>Spaniards BTFO
>Spaniards made a deal with America
>Sandniggers BTFO part two
>Freedom.jpg
>PearlHarbor.jpg
>America BTFO (temporarily)
>rape
>killings
>"I shall return"
>Japan BTFO (you know how it ended)
>Island Nigger Republic becomes official

>be pre-Indo-European chilling on the shores and in the valleys
>Indo-Europeans come
>Celts come
>Romans come
>civilization occurs
>Romans find tons of gold
>Romans leave
>Suevians come, kingdom is created
>Suevians mine some more gold
>Suevians expand, get rekt by Byzzies and Wisigoths
>Wisigoths come
>Wisigoths mine the remaining gold
>local aristocracy gets ridiculously influential
>Wisigoths get rekt by Muslims
>Muslims can't into crossing mountains and stop
>aristocrats sell their support to the remaining Wisigoths
>get ridiculously wealthy
>expand southward because Muslims can't into war
>suddenly tons of Christian pilgrims show up
>keep expanding southward
>Kingdom of Galicia ensues
>politically dominate the whole peninsula for a while
>lose everything to rival Christian kingdoms
>get significantly poorer
>become a backwater province of Spain exporting wine, fish and fucking slate
>southern counties break away because muh Portucale
>get even poorer
>everyone leaves to the Americas
>overseas empire disappears
>get even poorer
>everyone still leaves to the Americas
>Spanish Civil War breaks out
>get even poorer
>everyone leaves to the Americas
>fast forward to today
>be Galicia
>everyone wants to leave to the Americas
Fucking Romans taking all the gold.

wtf is that supposed to be. I'd say Spain, but the last two >invaded by France confuse me

>be cannibalistic tribal
>slowly showing signs of civilization
>suddenly, some white guys appear
>Portugal wants endless wealth
>become colony, die because of smallpox
>Portuguese start bringing African slaves to work in sugar production
>it works
>it REALLY works
>muh remember 6 million slaves
>muh Maafa
>some white in robes start talking about love
>ave maria
>Portuguese fear possible Spanish takeover, start deeper exploration into Brazil
>build massive colony
>1808 omfg Napoleon invades Portugal
>fat king runs to Brazil
>develops colony to make it the capital of the empire
>fat king is forced to return
>his son proclaims the independence
>glorious empire
>glorious imperialism against neighboring cunts
>becomes shitty republic
>oligarchy and then populist dictator
>miss the empire
>communists try takeover
>military beat them
>military regime
>leftist "democracy" in 1985
>60000 homicides each year
>40000 disappeared each year
>a million drug addicts
>endless corruption scandals
>become literally dumber because of marxist indoctrination in schools
>failed civilization

>A bunch of Irish monks settling on remote islands to meditate
>Vikings fleeing harsh rule under a king kidnap Scottish and Irish women on their way over
>Reach the islands and kick out/murder the monks and settle instead
>war against Christianization, famine, famine, pesilence and more famine and we're in the 17th century
>Danes take control
>more famine
>WW1 and WW2 leads to more freedom from Denmark after it is occupied in the wars
>tons of fishermen killed by German submariners and bombers
>British occupation to prevent the Germans doing the same
>After the war, fast modernization after being pretty much a pre-industrial society before WW1

>settle here in around
>become christian kingdom within some empire
>native dynasty dies out
>have a successful revolution against pope and church and shit
>Habsbourgs inherit us
>industrialization, germanization, nationalism
>great war and independence
>then we got sold out by other nations to Hitler
>then we accidentally sold ourselves to Stalin
>develop inferiority complex
>now we are selling ourselves to Merkel

Probably italy

*in around 700 AD

>Suevi
>Italy
You ought to be ashamed user. It's obviously Spain.

>Abs
>British
>Independence
>Gallipoli
>Stuff
>New Prime Minister everyweek
That should cover it.

Real stab in the dark but Czechia/Bohemia?

Yep

>be some random hunnic tribe (????)
>settle at the northern part of Black Sea and racemix with Sarmathians (???)
>call urselfs Bulgar and form a state
>the ruler tells his sons that "Unity makes strength" so when he died they split up in three directions when the Khazars invade
>One of them forms Volga Bulgaria, other one goes to southern Italy and does nothing, the third one decided to BTFO the Byzantines with the help of local thracian decendants and some slavs
>form First Bulgarian ""Empire"""
>Byzantines want to spread orthodoxy throughout Eastern Europe so the cyrillic alphabet is made
>Byzantines BTFO the Bulgarian Empire and rule for 2 centuries
>Second Bulgarian Empire
>rule over most of the Balkans
>BTFO the fourth crusade
>Divide into several states
>Ottomans come and turn everything to shit for 500 years
>Lose two world wars
>Communism
>Oligarchy

why isn't there another castle on the other butte?

>exist as a pure cunt
>get ravaged by Nazi semen
the end

> Britain has a baby
> Britain liked putting its baby in lots of beauty contests for money with france
> The baby didn't get paid even though it had no say in the matter.
> Baby wisens up and realizes France is jealous
> Make deal with France to give us weapons and fuck up the British
> Suddenly we independent and shit
> try acting like a bunch of mini countries but that shit don't work cause people are stupid
> get back together, unfuck our government
> government is subsequently refucked in about 20~ years
> government continues to get fucked, unfucked, and refucked adnaesium until the mid 1800's
> we realize Spain is weak after losing another fight
> kick their ass and suddenly we're a world power
> 1900's come quick
> suddenly everyone goes to war together
> idly watch with popcorn while two sides wear eachother out in both separate wars
> use smallest attack as excuse to sweep in and save the day
> now the bull of all the cucked nations in the world
> The citizens regularly acknowledge the fact that they are by default superior to others

Welcome to ______\\_

Amazighs i am i right?

>been here for 50 thousand years
>returning stick

>Some king named Dan has some land
>We take england
>Our people disguised as french take's England
>tfw people today still think they were french
>500 years later some guy makes a rock with some runes on it
>he also makes everybody in this land christian
>more kings
>one queen
>more kings
>we side with napoleon and england burns our ships for it
>our "empire" consisted of one main land and a bunch of islands
>Get's fucked by Germany, even though they told us they wouldn't attack
>Fuck it, use bikes againt's their tanks
>We lost
>War ends, we are free
>We than create wellfare, lego and hygge

kan du gætte hvem jeg er?

>Romans
>Byzantium
>Wild Niggers from the northeast arrive
>"""""""""Empire"""""""
>Establish special brand of Orthodoxy
>Turks
>Turks
>Enough turks, try uprising
>Cool
>ww1 starts
>form a collection of countries similar to us
>ww2
>unified 2 electric boogaloo
>other countries chimp out
>""""""genocide""""

>be indians
>pay some kind of tribute to incas
>spanish arrives
>country begins to be fairly populated
>the eternal anglo strikes twice
>napoleon outs spanish king
>BOOM
>"we should choose our own viceroy and not some cunt"
>"we should be an independent country"
>"we should institute good education, industry and"
>LOL NOPE
>some mason starts to liberate the neighboring countries
>war with huehues for U R GAY
>Buenos Aires should concentrate all the power
>LOL NOPE
>Confederation begins
>Rosas rules, is a proto-Peron
>Rosas ousted for some nigger from Entre Rios (Urquiza)
>Confederation ends
>integration of provinces
>muh constitution
>war with paraguay
>the eternal anglo pulling strings from behind
>end of war (some say this is the end of niggers)
>muh free schools
>Roca and muh patagonia
>end of indians
>lines with chile
>great inmigration wave from spain and italy
>trade and industry begins to grow
>muh anarchist
>muh workers rights
>muh coup d etats
>Peron
i want to get off of Mr Bones ride
>muh leftist terrorism
>muh dictatorship
>muh malvinas
>muh democracy back with Alfonsin
Mr Bones says: The ride never ends

>Romans decide not to invade us due to shit terrain and culture
>major tribes eventually fight each other resulting in the formation of an actual country
>get by well enough until the king falls of a cliff and dies, resulting in a succession crisis
> two wars of independence against England ensue, leading to us sharing a king
> the two countries eventually become one, which leads to a failed rebellion
>We've been England's bitch ever since

It's pretty pathetic, desu.

>be greeks
>find some bronze shit
>"hey man this shit's cool"
>make a bunch of states
>see Phonecians with boats and colonies and shit
>"hey that looks fun"
>do the same but better
>can't stop hating eachother tho
>"who the fuck is this guy"
>It's Persia
>manage to stop hating eachother for like a year and beat the Persians
>"ok that's over, back to infigh-"
>"who the fuck is the bald guy with piercings"
>Persia 2 Electric Boogaloo
>a bunch of cool dudes in red and their slaves make them stop and some other guys do some shit on boats
>"cool, now let's get back to infighting"
>infighting tires both regional powers
>here comes a new guy, fuck him
>"hi guys, i'm phillip, i'm a hellene just like you"
>"fuck you man"
>phil conquers the whole peninsula
>phil dies
>"well that worked ou-"
>"HEY GUYS, I'M ALEX, I LOVE THE ILIAD DUDES, YOU GUYS WANNA FIGHT PERSIA"
>why not?
>holy shit he won
>oh wait he's dead
>good ol' infighting
>some new guy with retarded letters from the west rocks up
>"you rome now"
>some jew comes to some towns and says some cool shit
>fuck zeus, what's he know?
>capital moves to our side
>empire split
>"we east rome now"
>west gets fucked over
>"we only rome now"
>do nothing until like 500
>"HEY GUYS, I'M JUSTINIAN, I LOVE CAESAR, YOU GUYS WANNA FIGHT BARBARIANS"
>why not
>oh fuck he won
>"well this is ok, so long we stabili-"
>Persia the Third
>stupid long war, eventually agree on a truce
>"well this is ok, we're both superpowers, who's gonna fight both of u-"
>some kid fucking retard from the desert says fuck romans on his deathbed
>"what the fuck's a rome?"
>"idk man, i think it's some place in Anatolia
>chimp out so hard overwhelming Persia and the richest provinces of ours at the same time
>empire on the ropes now
>eventually stabilise a bit
>ff to 10th century
>"we doing ok again"
>ff to 976
>"HI GUYS, I'M BASIL, FUCK BULGARIANS AMIRITE?"
>"yeah man, fuck Bulgarians"
>"BLIND THEM TOO"
>"damn ok"
part 1

>their king dies of a fucking heartattack seeing a shitonne of blind Bulgarians
>"damn this Basil guy is good"
>Basil used to be a player
>Basil never married
>Basil's retard brother becomes emperor after his death
>ruin everything Basil worked so hard to achieve
>also fuck the Pope, what's he know
>some asians dudes rock up on horses
>they start causing trouble near the frontier
>"HEY GUYS, I'M ROMANOS, FUCK TURKS AMIRITE?"
>eh, I ain't feeling it right now, maybe pay some dudes instead
>bunch of French dudes show up
>they want more money
>fuck them, what do they know?
>Turks utterly destroy the divided army and capture Romanos
>"man fuck Turks, I wish someone told me about them before"
>classic infighting
>This guy Alexios gets in
>got a good feeling about this one
>he asks the pope for some help
>pope says some shit about getting back the Holy Land
>Anatolia is fine, but ok, since you're offering
>a bunch of peasants and nobles rock up
>they're all fucking awful
>send them into the desert with some of our boys
>doing ok, get to the Holy Land
>"i dont wanna give this to you"
>"hey fuck you man we had a deal"
>repeat for second crusade
>third crusade comes around and some retard from Germany thinks he rome
>"we only rome"
>oh wait he dead
>more god damn infighting
>pope whining about sending more guys to the holy land again
>contracts (((venetians))) for some boats
>only half of the guys show up at venice
>"well fuck, what're we gonna do no-"
>"HEY GUYS, I'M ALEXIOS, WANNA HELP ME GET MY CHAIR BACK, I'LL GIVE YOU LOTS OF MONEY AND COOL SHIT TOO"
>the god damn Fourth Crusade follows
>French, Venetians, Bulgarians, and Turks everywhere now
>who to fight first?
>i know, each other
>eventually one dude gets our city back through swindling or something
>eventually we only have that city
>"oh dude fuck, it's those Turks, I hate them man"
>1453
>400 years of mostly shit, except for getting some cushy positions every sometimes
part 2

the first one probably has something to do with charlemagne or the establishment of the bourbon dynasty. second one is obviously napoleon

>be god tier tribals
>some blonde fucks who used to trade with us decide to "civilize" us with their new useless religion
>spend next 300 years in war with the western neighbour by the sea
>they have to call teutonics to help with the shitty crusades
>finally the österland is christian
>still secret paganism till 1600's
>have to join these dickheads wars because they are too pussy to do it themself
>finally the eastern neighbour liberates us from these fuckheads
>used to raid us and sell us to slavery but they b kewl now
>1800's rolls by and some Nicholas dude fucks things up
>he dies when the WW1 happens
>well I guess we inpedent now
>fight against commies inside the country
>fight commies from outside
>best place on earth now

>"man fuck Turks"
>revolt
>do well
>kick them out
>"guys i know militias helped a lot but lets make a government"
>fuck you, fight me
>Turks cry so much they call Egypt and promise a bunch of shit if they help
>Egypt slaps the shit out of nearly everyone, except for some crazy fuckwits in Mani
>Brits, French, and Russians feel bad
>slap Egypt so hard and force the Turks to the table
>"cool, so now that that's over, we can finally establish a free republic"
>sounds good
>"you gotta pay some tax tho"
>fuck you man
>infighting
>get forced some German dude as king
>fuck him, he likes the pope and we don't know if he's banged his wife yet
>he gone now
>vote to get Queen Victoria's son as king, he'll do well
>get given some Dane instead
>eh, at least they're Orthodox
>ff to 1912
>Balkan Wars, fuck yeah
>fuck Turks AND Bulgarians with Serb buddies
>feelsgood.jpg
>Serb buddies start acting retarded
>WWI
>King says it's not our fight, let's stay neutral, plus I get mad puss from the Kaiser's sister
>PM says fuck Turks and Bulgarians, and fuck you, I'll make my own government
>WWI over
>gets given some sweet gainz, nearly got back that cool city from earlier
>some Turkish autist doesn't wanna admit he lost and gets money from the Reds and slaps the shit outta the French and scares the Italians off
>don't worry, the Greeks got this
>PM from before calls election
>everyone is tired of war, and shitty he got rid of the king before
>he gets voted out
>a bunch of officers refuse to serve the new guy because he invites the king back
>the king now leads the charge
>get within a few kms from this autist's capital
>winning the battle
>the king nearly gets caught because he's in the fucking vanguard
>"oh fuck this shit guys, let's retreat"
>eventually retreat so hard we crash into the fucking sea
>Brits turn into the Eternal Anglo and let the Turks keep the land
>oh yeah and we get 1.2 million refugees too
part 3, god damn this is longer than i thought

>Farming and mining for years
>Romans come and build some forts
>Romans leave us the land
>Nice happy group of cymry on the island
>Germanics come
>Pls stop raping us
>Pls gib us back Lloegr
>Pls
>Is k we still have the mountains
>Normans come
>Pls gib back the South
>Last king gets killed
>Country stops existing
>Some noble gets fed up and steals the country back again then disappears and the country stops existing again
>The Anglo discovers we have the best coal
>the anglo starts milking us for coal
>the anglo bans our language
>nationalists bomb anglos
>nationalists get arrested
>get given parliament
>population votes for labours because of 700 years of cucking that they are now used to

>ff to the 30s
>fascism sounds good
>fascism fixes a lot
>ww2 starts
>king and PM both agree to stay outta this
>"hey, itsa me, Benito, gimme youa land, itll be likea da good ol' days in roma"
>in the most alpha way possible, say no (in reality he said then i guess it's war, still tho"
>slap the absolute shit outta the Italians, first allied land victory, go on the offensive too
>Italy whines to Germany for help
>Germany cleans up
>ff to the end of the war
>commies try to take over
>Brits outta money, ask the Yanks to help out
>Cold War starts
>ff to the 60s
>"hey guys, remember fascism? yeah that shit was good"
>"also lets get cyprus"
>fuck up and don't get cyprus
>"man fuck the Turks"
>join the EU
>get some loans, it's ok tho, Germany had loans to us but we good now
>it's not ok
>ff to now
>it still isn't ok
god damn yo

But this basically describes most of the baltic countries. I'm gonna make a wild guess, Estonia?

>big swamp area
>was big in the 1600s
>btfo Spain

>be raped by mongols for 500 years
>mongs get bored and leave
>try to build an empire
>every country in the world hates us, the neighbours want to genocide us

>because flowers
top lad

>le liberal leftist interpretation of american history
i'm not even a naziboo but come on

>Shit colonisers colonise green pastures
>introduce cows, it works perfectly
>introduce sheep, it works perfectly
>Frog eating manlet conquers Shitcoloniser so we get independence
>This newly independent country is basically feudalism but in the 19th century
>it's pretty good though
>Big neighbour and the perfidious albion realise this new regional power threatens them
>A huge war over a small province starts
>muh cow/sheep country wins it against all odds
>Big neighbour and jew-like empire do their shady shit to extirpate this small province
who am I

kankermooi

>exist
>get superannuated
>buttfucked by everyone in Europe
>coup
>blacks thin they were kangz

>But this basically describes most of the baltic countries. I'm gonna make a wild guess, Estonia?

Close but not really. Its the ebin finland :----D

but finland is baltic
[spoiler]according to the pre commie era[/spoiler]

NYC?

Egypt?

>((assimilate)) local populace
>duchy
>christianize
>kingdom
>hungary's bitch
>austria's bitch
>"independent" for a month
>serbia's bitch
>hitler's bitch
>tito's bitch
>"independent" since 1991

>spics
>yanks
>nips
and finally
>ourselves

I fucking hate this shithole

muh niggas!

>we wuz aztecs
>then we wuzn't
end

>Be ogga booga Slavic tribe In Eastern Europe
>Slowly begin moving Westward in 5th century because its cold and there are Horseniggers EVERYWHERE.
>Arrive in the Balkans and start intermittently raiding/fighting for the ERE as Auxiliaries and generally being average Barbars.
>Fast forward a few hundred years and a really nice Roman guy named Cyril has come to teach us about god's son named youtube.com/watch?v=3oMTMA9dnf4
>Drop the old pagan bullshit because this Jesus guy sounds really great and it helps out diplomatically with the Romans.
>Tell our other Slavbro's about Jesus but he's already Christian, but he's a papist shill so fuck that guy (This will be important)
>Over the years basically be a Byzantine client/province that sometimes sided with the Hungarians.
>1204
>Ven*tians
>Some dumbfuck Usuper
>Latin Autism
>Weknowhowthisends.png
>On the bright side, we independent now!
>Under a fellow named Dustan, start rapidly expanding at the expense of the now dying ERE.
>He dies and everything immediately falls apart because of the decentralized nature of society.
>Thanks Feudalism.
>"I sure hope weakening the Romans won't bite us in the ass."
>Famous Last Words
>Turks
>OTTOMAN Turks
>Oh fug DDDD:
>T*rks conquer much of the Balkans and soon come for us.
>Manage to put up a decent fight and even win a Pyrrhic Victory at Kosovo, killing the Sultan.
>But with most of the army dead and with the Ottomans mustering more armies, it was only a matter of time.
>Become Ottoman slave for 500 years, with some unsuccessful rebellions here and there.
>During this time many Bosnian Slavbro's betray Jesus and Convert to Islam.
>Fuck those cunts (This will be important later).
>It's the 19th century, and theres this new cool idea called Natio-
>youtube.com/watch?v=qs7umbDSvjM
>Regain freedom thanks to Turkish Incompetence and considerable help from Russian Slavbros.
>1877
>The Balkans are going fucking nuts, Bulgaria and co revolt.

Cont?

Czech, right?

>Fuck taxes, we love guns, fight for freedom!
>Hey let's invade this foreign country
>Hey let's violate the Constitution
>What the fuck there are rebels? Fuck them!
>Let's expand government
>Let's invade another foreign country
>Wow we're a global power now
>Wow, we're THE global power now
>Fuck guns, we love taxes, fight for getting things for free!

Keep going I'm almost there

>we wuz vikangz n shiet
>fucking danes
>we wuz independent n shit
>fucking swedes
>we wuz independent n shit
>fucking germans
the end

>Live like slavs and vikings, farm, raid Denmark and so on
>Hello we are germans, you are now christians and our slaves in all but name
>About 400 years later
>okay we lost the world war but Russia gave your lands to us, so have fun being independent...after fighting off soviets, germans and imperialist russians
>Hello we are Soviets, you now belong to us
>Two deportations and almost a century later
>No you can't be independant again
>Sends nnothing more than a soviet SWAT force
>Fine you are not independent, but we will keep thinking that we have claims to your country because of a large russian minority, oh and have fun with ruined economy

>never knew my cunt until i was 19
>rather not know its past before then
>got close to fucking my cunt several times
>gifts and dates got me closer to it
>fucked it 5 months in with my penis
>took ownership
>tasted it and fucked manh times, the details are vague through this period of time, i should have documented for futute refrence

>Boring pagan bog that even Rome decided wasn't really worth conquering
>Cool, Christianity!
>Everyone fighting over land
>Nobody really bothers us until a dickload of norse faggots show up and fuck us because we're all so divided
>Get semi-united under a cool dude and push the norse fag's shit in
>Finally we are free to bicker amongst ourselves again
>Oh no, who are these perfidious invaders?
>Several centuries of oppression, mostly terrible rebellions and starvations
>This one faggot single-handedly revives a rebellion movement which was utterly dead until another rebellion was botched so hard that autism of the oppressors made them clamp down so harshly that it played right into the rebel's hands
>We independent and prospering now
>Except for that one part

>Damn, we must help our Slavic Brothers!
>Russians see whats going on and want to join in
>Blow the Turks out of the fucking water with Slav Bro's
>Getting close to Constantinople when
>*Ring Ring*
>Who is it?
>Its the Eternal Anglo, telling you to cut it out or he's going to fuck your shit up with his huge navy like a good goy.
>REEEE
>Spend the next couple of decades catching up after 500 years of T*rk Slavery.
>/Ourguy/ Nikola Tesla does science stuff including the Tesla Coil, and we haven't shut up about him since.
>Its the early 20th century, and the Turks still hold parts of the balkans.
>Meet with Fellow Balkanbros Greece, Bulgaria, Romania, and Montenegro.
>Despite our disagreements, we found we all had one thing in common.
>"Fuck the Turks!"
>Use this to form B.B.B.A (Based Balkan Bro's Alliance.)
>Everyone decides to declare war to remove the Turkic subhumans once and for all
>1912, the year of the great removing
>Turks get removed so bad they lose all of the Balkans
>Time to divide the spoils.
>Suddenly Bulgaria said "Since you and Greece got the lands we were supposed to capture, we are not supporting your Albanian claims you Serb shithead! Also gib Northern Macedonia."
>What? No! Fuck you!
>FUCK YOU GUYS WE ARE THE GREATEST BALKAN NATION WE WUZ KHANS AND SHIIEET
>Bulgars Spergs out and declares war on everyone.
>Loses (This will be important later)
>Its 1914 and the Austro-Hungarian Archduke got shot by someone who may or may no have been connected to us.
>In any case, G*rmanics send us an unacceptable ultimatum, wanting an excuse for war.
>We agree to every demand except for giving the Austrians Police powers in our lands.
>Casusbelle.jpg
>War it is.
>Russia gets pissed and demands Austria stand down.
>Austrians refuse
>Russia declares war.
>Germans declare war on Russia
>France declares war on Germany
>youtube.com/watch?v=MQTt54bd2ng

>A bunch of countries want us and declare huge parts of our land to be theirs or something
>Some guys build a few forts and stay in even fewer
>Religious infighting leads to a bunch of places getting founded
>Shoot a bunch of naked guys
>Play a prank on the guys who helped us fight the naked guys and throw their bullshit in the river then write longwinded copypastas that make them declare war on us
>Pal around with the french
>Win
>Write some bullshit nobody cares about and throw it out pretty quickly for something better
>Shoot at the brits again over a shitty swamp that nobody likes
>Buy some land
>Buy some more land
>Teleport behind the remaining guys we fought in the first place
>Shoot ourselves
>Manifest some destiny
>Get in a bunch of wars that nobody cares about and end up with a bunch of stuff in the pacific
>Invent cool things
>Join poor little Teuton guy round 1
>Pass a bunch of laws that result in fun criminal shenanigans because christians and women were butthurt about something insignificant
>Destroy our economy
>Build a bunch of bridges and dams
>Get hit by some "empire's" autistic flailing and begin a whole new era of warfare to show them who's the boss of this gym
>Also join in and supply Poor Little Teuton Guy round 2 making us the greatest nation ever
>Bomb Germany but use food probably as a prank of some kind
>Some old guy flails around in Asia and the status quo is upheld after a bunch of fighting
>Be American
>Get shot
>Halfheartedly kick communists around for a decade and eventually mope on home after throwing 150 babies at the ground as a joke
>It's 10PM do you know where your embassy is
>Be American
>Get shot AGAIN
>Do a bunch of shady shit involving a cake
>Invade your old friend because some guy is playing tropico IRL
>Gang up on your BFF's retarded neighbor
>Win a war that didn't happen
>Fuck some girls
>Some dickhead demolishes a few buildings without asking
>Demolish a few countries to feel better
>Elect a meme x3

>raped by arabs

>raped by mongols

Iran? Armenia?

>big forest with sparse population
>fight Denmark
>unite
>fight Denmark
>militarize
>fight Denmark
>militarize more
>fight Denmark
>militarize yet more
>annex some continental countries
>fight Denmark
>MILITARIZE EVERYTHING
>oh shit Russia
>get BTFO
>well I guess we're gonna be merchants now
>still fight Denmark though
>okay we only merchants now, no more wars

>Fuck Cuckristian the Tyrant and fuck Danish people

>Martin Luther does some shit
>Decide it's pretty cool, most people don't
>Everyone thinks we're weird
>King thinks we're weird
>King removes us to far flung reaches of the empire
>Fast forward a century and a half
>Another empire memes the shit out of the one we belonged to originally
>Moved to far flung reach of the empire
>Trades hands a few times
>Revert to Catholicism
>Napoleon sells us to some random ass new country for a few bucks
>turns out new country is pretty rad
>become inbred
>who the fuck knows what we're even saying anymore, no one can understand us
>Grandfather flees the swamp and becomes doctor
>Remain an isolated member of a very large extended family that I cannot communicate with
>Everyone thinks my relatives live by killing alligators
>they're not even wrong

wew lad

The Ireland of Asia.

>Dwell in swamps, throw some kids in there for fun.
>Romans come and bring us civilization.
>Some fags go Romans get out REEEEEEEEEEE! then vanish.
>Romans fuck off, Franks in charge now.
>Convert our asses because we killed a missionary.
>Franks fuck off, get split into multiple Counties, Duchies and Bishoprics. Start killing each other.
>Get BURGUNDY'd.
>The duke of Burgundy dies, get AUSTRIA'd by Charles V.
>The dude conquers the rest of us, then dies.
>We Spanish now I suppose?
>Calvin seems like a smart man.
>FUCKING STATUES REEEEEE! What do you mean we can't just go around destroying ancient churches? We independent now!
>William plz halp.
>Some pirates conquer a worthless port town, Go SPANISH MERCS GET OUT REEEEEE! and all unite in rebellion.
>Actually fuck that only half of us unite.
>Whore ourselves out to England and France, but they don't want us.
>They help us beat Spain anyway.
>Start infighting between Orangist dicksuckers and ''Muh state rights'' faggots.
>Fucking love spice. So much we make a company to trade spice and kills everyone who won't trade us spice.
>Love money more though, so we invent capitalism, participate in slavery, trade with our enemies and let in the jews.
>England and France get pissy with us, but we fuck them up*. (*Read: We get others to fuck them up).
>They get REALLY pissy now so they try to annex us.
>England fails so bad they ask us to rule them instead.
>Use England to win against France, but stop being relevant from this point on.
>The infighting gets worse, ''Muh freedom'' faggots join in.
>Everyone gets a go at fucking us over.
>France fucks us but then gets fucked.
>England fucks us and takes our colonies.
>Belgium fucks us and splits off after just reuniting.
>Germany fucks us but then gets fucked.
>FUCKING SEA GET OUT REEEEEEEEEE!
>Invite Morrocans and Turks to fuck us.

Chinese history is a thing of beauty.

>>Le golden age face
You had one?