ITT: Historical jokes
Kennedy and Khrushchev travel forward in time 50 years to see who won the Cold War. Khrushchev picks up a newspaper and begins to laugh out loud. Kennedy asks why and Khrushchev responds with the first lien "The Communist Party of America announces their 5-year plan. Kennedy then proceeds to pick up a newspaper talking about Russia. He bursts out laughing, Khrushchev, confused, asks why. Kennedy just shows him the first line, "Minor clashes on the Polish-Chinese border"
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Weak joke. 2/10
I don't get it.
Is it because they time traveled, they couldn't lead their countries and everything went to shit?
First it sounds as if USSR won the cold war sine the US is communist. Then it's revealed that the US in a sense won since the USSR doesn't even exist any more.
...
>that 'joke'
Not really a historical joke but it's an old war-timey one told in me by my grandad
>why is Italy shaped like a boot?
>because you'd never be able to fit all that shit into a shoe
here's one from late imperial russia
>A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by a policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me, if you say "moron", you are obviously referring to our tsar!"
kek
straight from "humor in uniform"
>My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
>Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Luigi Cadorna
>"im the cook"
Did you know Italian tanks have 5 reverse gears and only one going forward? The one going forwards is in case the enemy attacks from behind.
>Sodomized by your grandpa
>Atleast you got a good joke out of it.
>Trotsky's father to his son
"This country will exist for thousand years!"
I'm pretty sure it was french tanks and the forward gear was for parades
a private is looking trough his binoculars when he sees tanks driving towards his position and reports to his officer "Sir, there are tanks approaching", the officer asks "enemy or friendly?", the soldiers replies "probably friendly, they're driving close to each other"
Depends whether you knew it before or after 2003's invasion of Irak.
calm down meatball man its just a joke don't break your spaghetti over it.
heard this one from my granfather
>what is the thinnest book in the world?
>Italian heroes of ww2
I'm pretty sure he meant to make fun of
>told in me
My grandpa saved over 50 Jews during world war 2. He forgot his ammunition at the barracks.
>fell out of a guard tower
Why did the magyar attack the ottoman?
>he was hungary for some turkey
i don't get it
The private thinks he is asked to report on wheter the tanks are friends with each others or not.
even the chinese are better at humor
Actually laughed at this piece of shit
During a military exercise a squad of soldier comes to a bridge that has a big sign reading "BRIDGE DESTROYED" in the middle of it, after a few moments of stumbling about they continue crossing the bridge. An officer, watching the exercise, rushes towards them to reprimand them for breaking rules but upon approaching the first soldier he notices a sign on his back reading "WE'RE SWIMMING"
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
amelia earhart
Holocaust jokes are not funny. My grandfather actually died in Auschwitz.
He fell down from the guard tower.
Commie jokes are best
youtube.com
For understaning: Honecker was the general secretary of the communist party in the eastern germany
German joke
There are tvo peanuts valking down the ztreet
One is a salted
Peanut
Huh huh huh
A soviet man tries to hire someone to paint his house. After talking for sometime the painter tells the house owner that he will paint his house in 10 years. The house owner ask if he will paint his house in the morning or in the noon. The painter then asks the house owner why does the time of day matter when he is going to paint his house in 10 years, and the owner says that he has a plumbing problem and that the plumber will fix it in 10 years in the morning.
3 dogs meet, one dog is from USA, another dog is from USSR and the last one is from the Socialist Romania. The USA dogs says "When I bark my owner feeds me", the Soviet dog asks "What is food?" and the Romanian dog asks "What is bark?"
I kek'd.
kek
Oh boooooooo
One yugo partisan joke. There are many of them, usually mocking the Partisans lack of equipment and strategy. Partisans are hiding in a well. Two Germans sit on the edge of a well and talk among each other: where do you think they hid themselves? Maybe there? The partisans try to create an echo effect: there there there. The German: or maybe they are in the woods? Partisans: in the woods woods woods. German: or maybe we should throw a grenade into this well? Partisans: in the woods woods woods.
I saw a video of some Reagan's communist jokes. Here's the only one that stuck with me.
An American and a Russian are arguing over the merits of their two countries. The American says, "We have so much freedom I can march into the Oval Office and say to our president, 'Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you run things in this country.'" The Soviet says, "I can also do that." The American replies, "oh, really?" "Yes," the Russian responds, "I can walk right into my general secretary's office and say, 'I don't like how Ronald Reagan is running his country.'"
Yugo humour always cracks me up.
There’s something really funny about Russian jokes in translation. Like the one about Elusive Joe. Not board relevant but something about the diction in English is just hilarious.
>Who does the most work in the Party office?
>The desk fan
That's a real DDR joke
Cant beat Reagan in comedy.
What is the tallest building in Russia? The Lubyanka. You can see Siberia from its basement
An East German judge walks out of the court room crying with laughter. His friend passes him by and asks him what is so funny. the judge says "I just heard the funniest joke in my life" his friend says "well tell me the joke" the judge says "I cant, I just sentenced someone to 5 years in prison for saying it"
Why would someone do this.
Why would someone be so insensitive so insecure.
Why do people wanna hurt people.
Why can’t we be chill to one another.
Why do you mock people who had no control over there birth right.
Do you think Charles would’ve made an image of your face?
Do you think he’d get his kicks responding to jeers and pests with sloppy pictures drawn by a more restarded person than himself.?
This hurts, not only me but no doubt charles too.
I think you need to turn of the internet and reevaluate your life. What when wrong, where it went wrong and how you can choose such an evil.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
related joke
>Georgy Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office muttering angrily about a "mustached murderer"
>Stalin's secretary overhears and reports the marshall's words to him
>Stalin calls Zhukov back to his office to demand an explanation
>"comrade marshall, who were you referring to when you said "mustached murderer?"
>"why of course I meant Hitler comrade general secretary!"
>Stalin dismisses Zhukov but asks the secretary to stay
>"and who did YOU think he meant?"
WW1:
"How many kilometers did the Germans advance into Russia today?"
"10 kilometers, same as tomorrow?"
"How do you know?"
"Because, that's as far as a tired German can march"
literal faggot detected
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are riding on a train together when it suddenly breaks down
Lenin says "we should call together the workers and peasants to help us fix the train"
Stalin opens the window and yells up to the engine "IF THIS TRAIN DOESN'T START MOVING IN 5 MINUTES THE CREW WILL BE SHOT"
Khrushchev says "why don't we just turn the train around and try going backwards instead?"
Brezhnev leans back in his chair and says "comrades, comrades. Why bother getting the train going? Let's just draw the curtains, put on some music, and PRETEND we're moving!"
finally Gorbachev says "it doesn't matter if the train works or not, we've been going the wrong way anyway"
Jokes my grandpa used to make in Commie times
>How do you double a Skoda's price?
>Pour gasoline in it
>What do you call a skoda on top of a hill?
>A fucking miracle
this joke was originally about black people until whites stole it
>they pretend to take care of us, we pretend to work for them
Why don’t black people like going on cruises?
They’re not falling for that again
...
Mmm it doesn't translate nicely into English
>In mid 1940, Hitler was sitting in his office planning the invasion of France, when a messenger came to him:
>"Mein Fuhrer! The Italians have entered the war and marched their entire army north!"
>The Fuhrer was dismissive, and waved his hand without looking up from his map.
>"Fine, send ten divisions."
>"No mein Fuhrer, you misunderstand. The Italians have entered on our side."
>Hitler immediately stopped what he was doing, looked up, and turned pale.
>"Mein gott. Send twenty divisions!"
It's funny because it's true.