Funny Historical Events

>It was Berthier’s fault. Rather than trapping wild hares, his men had bought tame rabbits from local farmers. As a result, the rabbits didn’t see Napoleon as a fearsome hunter. They saw him as a waiter bringing out the day’s food. To them, the emperor was effectively a giant head of lettuce.

de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erfurter_Latrinensturz

...

This man's presidency

written by Anglo 'historian'

War of the Bucket. Proof that in the Middle Ages, people will fight over anything.

Kek.

>its a we kill a mongol envoy episode

>that time when two sisters, one a pleasure-loving romantic who married several times in her life, the other a super serious ascetic nun, who utterly detest one another, jointly ruled the Eastern Empire

It was like reading a fucking sitcom

...

>>Ibrahim's harem was full of young, nubile, girls from around the world. But after a while, the slender things from Russia and the Balkans didn't do it for him anymore. One day Ibrahim happened to see the genitalia of a female cow. Pleased by what he saw, Ibrahim had a gold cast made and, hoping to find a human match to the bovine privates, he ordered his aides to bring him the fattest woman in the world. They did their best, finding a 300 pound Armenian girl named Sugar Cube (Sechir Para or more literally translated Sweet Lump of Sugar). Ibrahim loved her, and spent many a night curled in her large arms. It wasn't long until the big woman had gained power over Ibrahim equal only to that of her girth. It would be Sugar Cube who would spell the final downfall of Ibrahim the Mad.

>1915-16
>Ottomans are depleted of resources
>Still fight
>Germans ask for a division in Galicia
>Ottomans give it to them late (like a year late)
>Commander Yakup Pasha only speaks in Turkish, on the Galician Front no where near the Ottoman Empire

Another one
>Highest ranking Marshall that the Ottomans had during the 1877 Cacausian War was a German

good taste my man

This motherfucker charged into battle in WW2 with bagpipes, a broadsword, and a longbow.
If I'm not mistaken, he has the last confirmed kill with a longbow on the battlefield.

>Huemac then had sex with these sorceresses

>ywn be with your cossackbros without a calendar
fucking why

>Spanimoors
>White

was just playing some Civ 5 as the Maya, and named my religion Huemacianism

Classic

I got ya famalam.

Probably the most overlooked African dictator of all time, Francisco Macías Nguema of Equatorial Guinea.

>Mandated the death of everyone who wore glasses and banned the word "intellectual"

>Introduces the national motto, "There is no other God than Macias Nguema"

>Killed the governor of the central bank and moved the money to his house in a village.

>When he left the capital he turned off the electricity because he didn't feel it was necessary.

>On Christmas Eve 1975, he had his soldiers wear Santa Claus costumes and executed over a hundred political opponents at the national football stadium to the music of "Those were the days" by Mary Hopkins

youtube.com/watch?v=3un5f6qLi_k

Only time in this thread where I felt like I needed to verify it.
Holy shit.

>>On Christmas Eve 1975, he had his soldiers wear Santa Claus costumes and executed over a hundred political opponents at the national football stadium to the music of "Those were the days" by Mary Hopkins

This is literally the reason i browse his

/ourguy/

going to need a source on this

>his death sentence had to be carried out by soldiers from Morocco because the Guinean soldiers were afraid of his magic powers
Africa never ceases to amuse me

>if their immune systems weren't total pussies

The aztecs did shower, that's why the immune system was weak

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dancing_Plague_of_1518

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_axe_murder_incident

>Burned all the boats and mined roads to prevent escape but in the process halted economic activity.

>Couldn't travel outside the country without special permission from him.

>For around four years, the country had no written press because according to Macias government, there has been no paper.

>Banned all Western medicine, claiming it to be "unAfrican"

>Banned all private education, deeming it "subversive"

>Abolished religion, shuttered churches to use as weapons caches, and jailed or expelled priests.

>Imposed a decree in 1974 which ordered priest to open with the following sermon "Nothing with Macias, everything for Macias, down with colonialism and ambitious"

>He assumed titles such as the “Great Maestro of Popular Education, Science, and Traditional Culture” and “The Only Miracle of Equatorial Guinea.”

>By the end of 1974, more than two-thirds of the members of the 1968 Assembly had “disappeared” and most of the senior civil servants were killed, imprisoned, or driven into exile.

>Built a wall around inner parts of the capital city Malabo, which included the Cathedral, his palace and a larger number of houses, whose owners were dislodged and had to find new houses outside the wall.

>Builds wall for his compound despite never living in the capital for over five years.

>During his trial, Macias claimed the wall was one of his "many" works for the benefit of the community.

Source:

scribd.com/document/173878262/Artucio-Arturo-The-Trial-of-Macias-in-Equatorial-Guinea-The-Story-of-a-Dictatorship-International-Commission-of-Jurists-and-the-International-Univ

How is it just now that I'm hearing about this amazing specimen of the glorious african people?

>waging war and sacrifices over a four hand-spans wide buttock
fucking b a s e d

>Three days later, American and South Korean forces launched Operation Paul Bunyan, an operation that cut down the tree with a show of force to intimidate North Korea into backing down

>Don't trust anyone - not even uninhabited Arctic islands

>our boy julius caesar sitting in a senate meeting one day
>a messenger comes in and discreetly hands him a letter
>caesar starts reading it silently to himself
>his arch-nemesis cato the cuck sees it
>cato cracks a tantrum and holds up the whole meeting, demanding caesar read what is in the letter, claiming it is disrespectful to the senate
>caesar politely refuses
>cato insists
>everyone else insists
>caesar reluctantly starts reading a letter written by cato's step-sister to caesar, which was politely described as a love letter but was in reality a letter graphically describing how much she wanted to have sex with him
>senate house bursts into laughter
>cato btfo

Gonna need a quick rundown.

Joseph-Désiré Mobutu:
>colonel in the army of the Democratic Republic of the Congo after independence
>civil war broke out between President Joseph Kasa-Vubu and PM Patrice Lumumba
>both sides ask him to get the army on his side
>said "fuck it" and beats them both
>banned all other political parties, wins the next election with 98% of the popular vote
>changed country's name to Zaire, changed his own name to Mobutu Sese Seko Nkuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga ("The all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, goes from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake")
>wore leapord-skin hats everywhere
>carried a walking stick he claimed took the strength of ten lesser men to carry
>banned TV news from saying any name other than his own, and has every news broadcast with footage of him descending from Heaven
>built a palace called "the Versailles of the Jungle" in his hometown
>had an airport custom-built to accommodate the Concorde jets he'd commission for shopping trips to Paris
>paid Muhammad Ali and George Foreman $5 million each in 1974 to have a fight in Kinshasa, known as "the Rumble in the Jungle"
>accumulated approximately $5 billion USD in embezzlements stashed in Switzerland
>somehow got ahold of Juvenal Habyarimana (the president of Rwanda whose assassination kickstarted the Rwandan genocide)'s body and kept it in a mausoleum by his palace for three years
>after Tutsi refugees poured into Zaire, ordered all Tutsis to leave on pain of death
>Rwanda (whose government had become majority-Tutsi) did not take well to this and invaded with help from Uganda
>they fucking won
>Zaire's army was so ineffective that the shitty roads were more effective at stalling the Rwandan Army
>went into exile and died six months later

>Rwanda (whose government had become majority-Tutsi) did not take well to this and invaded with help from Uganda
>they fucking won
>Zaire's army was so ineffective that the shitty roads were more effective at stalling the Rwandan Army
WOOO BOYYY that's another good story filled with hijinks. Somebody dig up the screencap of the history of African paratroopers

I heard somewhere that the troops were mostly non Germanic, so when the Austrian officers started yelling for them to stop (halt) some of the confused it as Allah. Which only made the situation worse.
But then again, there is some dispute that this battle actually happened.

:)

>be Frederick I of Barbarossa
>chad emperor and crusader of the Holy Roman Empire and King of Germany, Italy, and Burgundy
>3rd Crusade
>kicking Saladin's ass
>just got done sacking Konya and on our way to the Holy Land
>we start to ford a waist-high river
>fall off horse
>go into shock and have a heart attack from cold water
>armor is too heavy so can't get up
>die
>knights just stood there and watched
>mfw

retard. their immune system wasnt weak. the spaniards just brought new germs that their immune system didnt know.

>erases the national debt and that fucks up he conomy becuase owing money is somehow is better than being debt free
>stops the civil war firing over tariffs 30 years early
>has an orgy at the White House upon election that gets so out of hand he has to evacuate
>gets shot during duel but still wins
>almost kills would-be assassin with his cane
>tries to recapture some escaped slaves and accidentally captures Florida in the process
>wins a battle in the War of 1812 using pirates and civilians two weeks after it ended

Is he the most based president ever?

1904 Olympics Men's Marathon

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athletics_at_the_1904_Summer_Olympics_–_Men's_marathon#Results

the eternal Angolans

Aeroflot Flight 6502

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aeroflot_Flight_6502

>"Gennady, 500 rubles says I can land this plane full of innocent passengers blind"
>"cyka blyat no way Alex, its on"
>Gennady technically wins the bet

>Lorz hops in a car for most of it and almost wins gold but immediately admits it once found out
Was this the best troll ever?

"I was only kidding guys"

>Liechtenstein attacks Italy
>Sends 80 men to invade
>Detachment comes home with 81

holy fuck what a retard

Capture of Guam

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capture_of_Guam

>"the Americanos are here to visit, look they're even firing cannons in salutation!"
>actually our countries are at war and we're here to invade, so, uh, y'all are now POWs

Timothy Dexter

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Dexter

yes, the entire page

the message from the sultan doesnt sound legit, idk about the cossack one but the sultans message sounds very unottoman

>simple history tier

Kys

>[the book] didn’t have punctuation and had seemingly ranodm capitalization. In the second edition, Timothy provided a page with 13 lines of punctuation with the instruction that the readers could distribute them as they pleased.

>trail of tears
no, he wasn't

>stops conflict between Indians and settlers by giving the Indians free land
It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than doing nothing.

U-1206

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_submarine_U-1206

>be technological pride of the Nazi naval fleet
>masterfully engineered to strike fear into the hearts of British ships
>a silent assassin of the oceanic depths
>sunk because someone clogged the toilet

he failed to prevent the crisis and created another one, stop making excuses for such actions

And how would he prevent the crisis dear user?

by enforcing the law of the land, with military force if necessary

African history is like a parody in which loads of people die in over the top ways.

Pedro Lascurain

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedro_Lascuráin

for when you get to be president of Mexico, but only for an hour

>wanting a rebellion

Rebellions can be crushed.

Who are they?

Forced relocation sounds better than genocide to me buddy

>bending over backwards to criminals because "w-what if they shoot back"
is this seriously what you're saying? The law must be respected and evenly enforced. The settlers encroaching on native land were in the wrong, and the indian removal act was wrong

what the fuck are you even talking about

>Shitters clogged

Dealing with the problem without lots of deaths is not bending over backwards.

The government coming in and stopping encroachment on land would result in increased unrest, which was pretty high already due to tariff crises and slavery becoming more and more of a taboo. So that might would start the civil war thirty years early, or at least earlier than in the real world.

you call that dealing with the problem? What was actually solved, the civil war still happened.

He threw away the 5 civilised tribes.

He delayed it a good bit
Again, it wasn’t perfect.

sure, he delayed it a bit WOW

and all he had to do was completely betray american principles, throw out the constitution, and champion what can only be described as a crime against humanity. But hey, it bought us a few decades of "peace" so that we could fight the civil war with more advanced military hardware and infrastructure.

Truly he was the epitome of the word "based", truly.

Zoe Porphyrogenita and Theodora

Good thread until these two boring assholes started talking.

>tfw you will never serve in the Imperial Japanese Army, Red Army and the Wehrmacht in the same life like this guy did
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yang_Kyoungjong

What choice did he have? Exactly what should he have done that wasn’t as ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC as this? And the civil war happening earlier means a better chance of the south winning and maintaining slavery. Would that not be a crime against humanity in your eyes?

...

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athletics_at_the_1904_Summer_Olympics_–_Men's_marathon
>A Cuban postman named Andarín Carvajal joined the marathon, arriving at the last minute.[6] After losing all of his money in New Orleans, Louisiana, he hitchhiked to St. Louis and had to run the event in street clothes that he cut around the legs to make them look like shorts. Not having eaten in 40 hours, he stopped off in an orchard en route to have a snack on some apples, which turned out to be rotten.[6] The rotten apples caused him to have strong stomach cramps. Despite falling ill from the apples he finished in fourth place.[6]
> Len Tau finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Len Tau could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.[7]
British-born Thomas Hicks of the United States ended up the winner of the event, although he was aided by measures that would not have been permitted in later years. Ten miles from the finish Hicks led the race by a mile and a half, but he had to be restrained from stopping and lying down by his trainers. From then until the end of the race, Hicks received several doses of strychnine sulfate (a common rat poison, which stimulates the nervous system in small doses) mixed with brandy.[4] He continued to battle onwards, hallucinating, barely able to walk for most of the course. When he reached the stadium his support team carried him over the line, holding him in the air while he shuffled his feet as if still running. The judges decided this was acceptable, and gave him the gold medal. He never ran professionally again. Hicks had to be carried off the track, and might have died in the stadium had he not been treated by several doctors.
It was in the same thread with this and some dude who maxed his Luck by sacrificing his Int during character creation

Just because they made a vid about doesn't mean one can't have known beforehand.

*a subject

oh god, my sides! that whole race!
>Len Tau finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Len Tau could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs

Mozart sent 29 letters to his family requesting them to lick his ass and they sent similar letters to their family members. scatological humor was funny back then.

There was pasha named jazzar who liked to mutiliate bodies and nail christians to wall. His best hobby was making paper flowers and gifting them.

>fuck your mother
>2x
Some things never change.

Source on book?

Flower and Scorpion: Sexuality and Ritual in Early Nahua Culture, by Pete Sigal

The fucker shaved his moustache and sent the hairs to Tom hardy, who had them made into a replica moustache for his biography
You can't make this shit up
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Salvador

Awesome, thanks

>trail of tears
Yeah cuz i was laughing so hard i was in tears lol

Left out the part where deleting the national bank caused a massive economic downturn