Never learned to swim

Stop being a fucking pussy and just learn from a friend in a lake or something you faggot.

IIII'M BYYEEEAAAAACCK!!!

I practiced at a lake with a very gradual slope from the beach, if anything went awry I'd just swim a bit to the side and be able to touch down.
We had a cabin up there, and as kids we weren't allowed on the boat docks without wearing a lifejacket until we could prove that we were able to swim from the beach, to the breakwater, and back.
Watching your older cousins just waltz out onto the docks while you're scrambling to put on this bulky ass lifejacket was enough constant humiliation to get all of us to learn very quickly.
I'd say one of the biggest parts is learning to just calm down and tread water if you get tired rather than splashing and flailing like a dying fish.

>If your bf% is low you are in legit danger of fucking sinking like a stone.

shouldn't been that being fat makes you sink?

>don't know how to swim
>or ride a bike
>old enough that I'm too embarrassed to ask someone to teach me now

You'd think, but fatties tend to have trouble staying under the water. I mean I was an obese kid, practically a beach ball on top of the water.

My hypothesis is that fat is less dense than water.

Don't worry man, I taught myself how to ride a bike because I was sick of not knowing.

Grab a bike and don't be afraid of a few scrapes when you inevitably panic-ditch the first time you try to build momentum.

Fat is indeed less dense than water.

when my mom was 8 my granny had a man row her out onto and throw her in.
this is how my mom learned to swim she is close to 55 now and I wouldnt dare challange her to a water race

*row her out unto the ocean

only for a manlet

You're a nigger aren't you.

>god damn it

Every time

But yeah just do it, get some lessons. It is important to know how to swim.

Slow steady breathing and staying relaxed will help you alot.

>It is important to know how to swim
Only if you enjoy being in the water (if so how have you not learned how to swim already) or are too stupid to avoid bodies of water and are too stupid to understand that humans float.

>are too stupid to understand that humans float.
Unless you're morbidly obese, you sink like a stone unless you know how to swim.

That is true you can avoid water and simply float. Still though I would imagine it you'll be pretty shitty to not know how to swim when you live in flooded Louisiana and there is caskets floating down the road.

Also, what about the classic pool party.

>come on user take of you shirt and jump in

>You're not scared are you?

>He genuinely believes all those Olympic swimmers who are standing in the pool at the end, reducing their buoyancy compared to lying down, are over 2m tall.
Human bodies are buoyant you tard.

Just get in the water and move your legs back and forth

>Also, what about the classic pool party.
See
>Only if you enjoy being in the water (if so how have you not learned how to swim already).
And as for floods,even competent swimmers don't swim in floods because of how stupid doing that would be.

>hire milf female swim instructor with a pool at her husband's mansion
>you learn how to swim
>she gets to be mommy to the cute young muscular guy who can't swim
>bang instructor
>husband watches

everyone wins

The fact that they're buoyant doesn't mean everyone floats by default you tard.

Every pool has adult swim lessons unless it's a shit pool. Take them, learn, laugh with old brown ladies.

That is literally what buoyant means. Why are you trying this hard to be wrong?

>intimate into submission

yes please

No they are fucking not buoyant, exhale all your air and you should sink like a stone (I know I do, it's one of the ways I like to stretch in the pool) dead bodies float because your digestive system rots and the bacteria produces large amounts of gas that build up quickly in your corpse, read a book.

>go to pool
>tell lifeguard that you are going to swim for the first time ever, be prepared to go fishing for retard
>jump in pool
>either learn to swim or get pulled out by lifeguard
Repeat until you reach Phelpsmode.

I like how all these idiots in this thread are too dumb to just take swimming lessons like wtf is wrong with you they can just teach you

Even worse are the retards claiming you apparently don't need them.

This. Just go at 6 am when it's only old people doing lap swimming and practice.

Jump in the diving pool and let natural selection handle the rest.

I took lessons when I was forty, so I could do some cardio that wasn't just running. My fellow students were all forty-something fat women. You have little to fear but drowning. Go to your local pool, get lessons, try to keep your eyes off all the tits. Or wear mirrored goggles, and don't.

Do you live in San Diego? I'll teach you how to swim

>fishing for retard

its funny because that's how I describe trying to find women to date these days

Nigga hold your breath and you float. Don't panic in the water, if you find it hard, just hold your breath for a little while, wait til you're floating at max height, then exhale and hold it again, do little frog strokes with your hands and you're golden, swim back to shore.

go to the sea

not many people swim there properly and less people will see you, also the water will keep you afloat bc of salt

don't go to deep tho

Is this Pierce Brosnan on Roids?

>you know it

really bad idea

If I laughed at a person who couldn't swim and they tried to intimidate me I'd just jump in the pool and swim around laughing even harder at them while I backstroked

Kek

>tfw grower not shower

what do Veeky Forums

There is literally a personal "Swim trainer" here in Dallas that the Mavericks/Cowboys hire solely to train all of their Athletes (read Black people) to swim so they don't drown when they cruise around

Lots of adults need to be taught to swim.

>tfw neither grower nor shower

FUCK

...

what an sophisticated hypothesis, very sadly that this cant be proven.. but for me the logic is that fat people are heavier and therefore must sink faster

If you live in NE Indiana I will teach you how to swim in a day. Just buy me a lunch, or access to a pool.

I'm a certified life guard and swam for 8 years. Too poor to afford a Y membership or id still be swimming

You're kidding right? A cruise ship weighs thousands of tons but it floats. Weight isn't the only factor in buoyancy.

I can't tell if yorue b8ing or not but fat people float. Trust me, I'm a scuba diver and you need to put a shitload more weight into fat people's bc's because fat is so buoyant. Back when I was 230 lbs I would have to put 15-20 lbs of weight in my BC, now at 195 I dont have to put in any.

butterfly? That's one of the hardest strokes to learn. Do you mean breast stroke?

IMO learn:
- dog paddle / treading water
- breast stroke / underwater breast stroke
- back stroke
- freestyle with proper breathing

You'll have to come out of the pool at some point, then OP's nigger ass is going to brick squad you.

Fat floats, you absolute retard.

Sorry, yeah, breast stroke. Been a while.

just go in the water if it takes any more than 10 seconds to figure out you probably deserve to drown

If your dad didn't teach you to ride bike AND to swim he was a shit dad and you should blame him for most of your shortcomings as an adult

Swimming is really easy. Lifegaurd here

Took swimming lessons for years.

The first thing you need to learn how to do is float. Once you got that down just learn how to move and float. After that it's simple the strokes are easy to learn.

whats going on in that picture?

this, had lower bf when i was doing lotsa cardio and no lifts. Fuck bro water is scary as fuck.

put on a bit of weight and began to swim, water now comfy.

>find someone who is teaching a swim class
>sign up
>if they say anything just say "I never learned as a kid so I want to learn now."
>they never bring it up again
Wow. Hard.

Fat floats. I literally could not sink as a kid. I was way too fat. My cousins though were skinny/otter mode and sunk like rocks. But they were good swimmers.

>Went to the rec center 45 minutes ago
>Saw some jacked mother fucker standing in 3 feet of water in the pool
>kept muttering One time come on
>scared all the little kids paddling nearby when he tried to put his head under the water and started autismin out.
>would wade to the edge of the pool and tried again 15 minutes later.

I think that was you, best of wishes op.

Just take classes man, no one looks down on someone learning something.

Are you trying to kill OP? Butterfly is a pain in the ass for beginners

Use the internet dude
I learned to bike and swim as a 6'5'' guy in his thirties, just using online resources
Sure, it took me quite a while, and I probably looked like a retard, but you can still do it if you're patient.

>Even worse are the retards claiming you apparently don't need them.
Hundreds of millions of people have never had swimming lessons and never needed them. You only ever need to know how to swim if you intend to swim.

Yeah, like this retard here.

>jump into ocean
>learn or die
it's nature's way

calm down satan

I learned to swim on my own. Swim lessons were actually awful and I nearly drowned the last session when they had us dive into the deep end, teacher had to come get me. I did better on my own, dog paddling came naturally and I just kind of move from that. If he drowns he's a fucking moron who's doing evolutions work.

Weird that all air in our atmosphere doesn't just sink into the ocean, that thing MUST be HEAVY!