I came very close to killing myself last night

I'm not really understanding what you're sad about. If you don't like being in college, drop out and do something else. If your ex makes you miserable then cut her out of your life. It sounds like all your problems are self inflicted to be honest man.

Go full cocoon.

Get rid of your girlfriend cause she's only going to hurt you more as she asked you to get back together to stop you from crying.

Clean up your diet and leave your room

Spend time outside I don't care if you go to a park and cry or lay in a feild weeping just go outside.

Keep up with school cause just seeing people around is healthy.

Write lists

Write lists of things you want to accomplish and write lists of destructive behaviors both big and small so you are atleast aware of them and have it all down on paper and out of your head.

Drink more water

And most importantly shut the fuck up millions of people would kill you to be in the position your in. So shut up and fight back. Get your shit together and start making some progress.

I love you and godspeed

I have always been deeply depressed, from my earliest memories as a child. I have always accepted this as normal and learned to cope with it and accepted that happiness was something other people had that I would never get. It's not about my relationship, though that didn't help.

The short story is that starting last December, I really started to nosedive. Depression was worse than ever, my migraines because an every other day occurrence, and I none of the meds I tried helped. Over summer things got even worse despite me trying ltierally every treatment, scientific and alternative, that I could find or that other people recommended to me. Nothing helped, but my gf was always there for me to lean on so I limped along, and my mom and brother were supportive in their own hands off kind of way.

But she dumped me without morning at my worst place, and that just snowballed me. I had stupidly made her my anchor and without that I was adrift. After that I had to go back to uni, but without my gf and best friend and with my mom and brother assuring me that I was "better" and ready to succeed despite me knowing both were probably false. Things just got worse mentally, and last night I hit breaking point.

So it wasn't sadness at the break up that led to me feeling suicidal. I was sad, devastated but that was normal sadness that I could address, process, and move on from. Depression sadness isn't normal sadness, it's a genetically engineered sadness mutant given pheromones and roids to make it irresistibly powerful and consuming, and I can not find any effective release from it. The illness just wore me down over my lifetime, and without my gf to insist how much she needed me in her life to coerce me into living, I just stopped giving a shit about living for other people so they could be happy and comfortable.

>Blogpost subject
>Blogpost post

As with lifting, progressive overload.
Next time you'll get it right champ

>you can't feel things because you're not the most miserable person on the planet

Better call the limbless torso Bangaldeshi orphan that gets pimped out to sick foreigners every night to let them know they are officially the only person on the planet that can ever be sad. Who knew it was so easy?

Can't be happy unless you're the happiest person on the planet either. Only one people can every feel an emotion at a time, it's a natural law. Faggot.

I'm not sad about anything. Before my gf left me and I was failing, I still hated living and dreaded every morning where I'd have to wake up, desperately wish for an angel to put a bullet in my head then be forced to conduct a normal life and pantomime happiness and comfort that I never felt. I wish it was as simple a fix as a lifestyle change. But hey, I may not have a choice in the matter if I can't pull out of the nosedive.

>sounds like all your problems are self inflicted

How so? Things like school failure and not eating are on me, in that you are responsible for your own actions, but I don't think I am personally responsible for that anymore than a schizophrenic is actively choosing to be sketchy and insane. I am not choosing to be literally unable to get out of bed. I want to not be this, but I can not get my mind together enough to do anything else.

you're young, figure it out.

How old are you OP.

Tried most of those, or I do not think I am capable of some of them as I am not, but you still dropped some good ideas, thanks. I started a journal dismantling my motivations, feelings, problems, self-sabotage, triggers, etc. this morning in hopes that maybe I can at least understand things that worsen the depression to avoid those and do more things that make the depression more manageable. I can start just jotting down lists in it too just to get things out there.

Gonna go lay on my porch. It's outside, and that's something. Can't go hiking though. Original plan was to hike in the middle of nowhere, strip naked, and cut my wrists while I froze to death to ensrue I died. I feel like going for a hike at this point would be too much temptation.

>And most importantly shut the fuck up millions of people would kill you to be in the position your in. So shut up and fight back

Good comment up until then. Why do people think this is motivational or inspirational? It just shows you have no fucking idea what depression is and that I shouldn't listen to a god damn thing your ignorant ass says. desu I was a tard for expecting something different.

22.

its the little things that make you going, I am grateful for that couple hours a week I have for myself. Not that Im any better off than you. My life still sucks but I get to enjoy movies, games, weed, lifting and lurking Veeky Forums in the meantime.

I just tell myself the afterlife will be just as bad, so I keep going on

The thing that helps me always picturing how trouble I'll bring to everyone.
My neighbours.
My landlord.
Local police.
Local acquaintance. No friends.
Families.

Someone need to go through your stuff. Bring them back, etc. And they won't enjoy it.

Also funerals are crazy expensive. Even simple cremations. People working in funerals also tend to screw people.

I think a big part of why I gave up is because I stopped enjoying things like you do. I never liked living, but I did like some aspects that required you to be alive so it helped get me through. But booze, weed, women, games, outdoors, food, none of it feels good like it used to or should.

kek, I like the cynicism but I don't think that would work for me. The thought of an eternity feeling like this terrifies me.

That's what has held me back for years. That's why I said earlier in the thread that I was going to hike to the middle of nowhere (I live on the edge of a large national forest) and just kill myself there. Off trail is so seldom traveled that I'd just be a piled of gnawed bones before a human saw me.

I was planning to clean up and organize my place before that. Not straight up pack up, but make it easier for my family to deal with it. I barely own anything worth keeping though so it would be pretty fast.

user I feel you I've been struggling with addiction the past 4 years and I've hurt a lot of people because of it family and 2 girls who were amazing and didn't deserve it. Always been thinking of ending it but I've seen what a death can do for a family and I also dream of repaying everything back emotionally and make sure they live a poverty free life that's been my motivation but I understand you sometimes you just completely fall and it's so hard to get back up

Suicide is a confession that life is too hard for an individual.

Take up meditation and explore mentally why you think you're sad. Try and sit down, breathe in and follow the air as it goes in. Nose, sinus, throat, lungs. Close your eyes and listen to what your mind tells you. Imagine yourself at the edge of a stream and all your thoughts are the current. You are the observer of the current, the thoughts that pass by are not YOU but ideas. Listen to each idea, consider its merit, if it is irrational and non-fixable or something that you can truly control, and then let them continue to flow by.

Depression is irrational and you can only ride the waves, but just like a wave you can fight it or go with the flow.

When depression swells over you give yourself 30sec to 5min to entertain the bad thoughts. Towards the tail end of your meditation think of happy thoughts, and good memories. Although be careful not to pick memories that will trigger the bad ones. Then pick some sort of task and set to it, I don't know anyone who doesn't have some sort of work they should be doing. If you don't just find something you would like to practice/learn.

That was nice to read, thanks man. Gonna try to take a shower at least, it's too hot outside to stay on the porch.

You're entirely right. It is too hard for me.

Sounds like some new age bullshit, but I've tried weirder. So you just sit, breathe, and catalogue your thoughts and feelings to meditate?

>Although be careful not to pick memories that will trigger the bad ones

Hoo boy, that will be a tough one.

m8 why don't you just tell your mother? i'm sure she'd much rather have a depressed son than a dead one. the shame aspect doesn't make a lot of sense, you were going to kill yourself, so you can't get much lower right? emotionally i mean.

anyway, please don't kill yourself. i love you you poor cunt

and ignore the people who clearly don't know what depression is like, not worth your time

> I was planning to clean up and organize my place before that.

Heh, if you are like me you'll not do that soon enough. Such is depression.

I personally tried meditation. Have been going on for a week or so. Helping a bit. I think the way it dampens my worst thoughts. So they are more bearable.

Medication takes a while to take effect

I think meditation has been going on for a while lol, but I know how it sounds.

I've had pretty bad depression in the past so I know what it's like to have this reoccurring monologue running in your head thats telling you nothing is worth it. I can't 100% say that meditation will fix it, but I do think alot suffer through those thoughts without ever stopping to question them. So even if it's not a fix, sometimes it helps to break down some problems into more manageable chunks.

>So you just sit, breathe, and catalogue your thoughts

That's basically it man

She knows I am depressed and that I think about suicide a lot, but I was always able to assure her that thinking about suicide doesn't mean planning to follow through. Nothing wrong with thinking.

But telling her I almost killed myself, not just thought about it but planned and was moments from executing ithe plan, I have had my now gf and friend tell me to them mom and my brother but I haven't been able to make myself yet. Thanks man.

>Heh, if you are like me you'll not do that soon enough. Such is depression.

That's what scared me about last night, in the part of my mind that still clung to life. I was excited to do this. It was a way out. I felt motivation and excitement that I haven't felt in months, maybe years. I think that's almost as scary as the fact that I no longer have a firm reason to stay alive in my mind.

Stop being such a pussy. No body is going to help you but yourself. You are afraid of death. You are afraid of life as well. Once you accept that you are nothing then you can become something. Or if not, kys. You dont exist anyways. Nothing does.

do you have anyone in your life that you would do anything for? anyone that you would quite literally die for?

Honestly, go to reddit for now.
Veeky Forums is not a place for suicidal people.

Stop jerking off.
Go for a 10 min walk every day.
Go to sleep at a regular hour.
Lay off the sugar and processed food for a month.

I don't fear death, I crave it as release. What I fear is the pain and suffering I would cause for those closest to me after I killed myself. That's the only thing that has ever kept me chained to life, and that's what brought me back from the brink last night.

>nihilism

Babby taking his first philosophy class?

Yes, my mom, brother, and gf/ex gf. But desu, me being willing to die for them isn't really saying much given context, even if I wouldn't do it for other people.

God, this site is such a fucking mess to navigate. How do you do anything on here?

>But desu, me being willing to die for them isn't really saying much given context
it speaks volumes user. it means that you have the capacity to love in your heart (which sounds gay af but it's true)

i imagine that you mean just as much to them as they mean to you. if you really, truly care about them, you can live for them.

Babby wants to kill himself? We were all 17 once. From reading all your posts you seem super egocentric. You need to let go of yourself. Depression is a disease of the mind and you are feeding it because of your ego. You are not open to suggestion so why even bother posting? Because you dont want to feel this way. You don't want to be depressed but you are allowing yourself to be. It is going to be hard to climb out of this hole you have dug yourself in to but it gets easier and easier as you progress.

Some people are too weak to live

Had a close friend OD earlier this year user, he was 21. At his funeral I saw over a hundred people somehow connected to this kid and the pain it brought them. I watched his parents, Brother, and Sister all make speeches and cry in front of all these people. I saw some of.my best friends tell stories about him. His Dad literally cried and asked for him to come back. He got me into The Wire and I recently finished watching it. But I'll never get to talk about how the series ended with him. He was a smart kid too, probably should have been in med school. Guess what? He failed out twice due to neurosis. He had a gf who couldn't make it to the funeral she was so distraught. He offered me some of the best and deepest conversations Ive had, even though I only knew him for a few years. While I usually don't express sentiments like the next one, and perhaps none of this is helpful to you, but imagine all the people who will be hurt by your passing. Your ex will obviously be distraught.as well as your mother.and brother. If you can't suffer through it for yourself, do it for them. Like I said, I usually don't believe in the "live for other people" shit, but man, I wish that kid was still around to hang out with, talk about the wire, and maybe even lift with. He asked.me about SL less than a year before his death. I wish he had asked me for help, there's no shame in that, if you think there will be relief in killing yourself, first try the relief of asking your loved ones, besides your ex gf for help. Don't do it user, were all gonna make it

I don't feel like I can offer much in the way of advice, since I've never been in that position and wouldn't know how I could cope if I was, but I feel like perspective is the most powerful tool of the mind, it can practically shape reality.

Every time I wake up in the morning, I try to look at the world as though I am an ignorant newborn looking to find myself before the day's over. Every day I strive to find something new to learn about the world around me so I can anchor myself to this perceived reality and anchor my perceived reality to myself.

If you were to ended your life, nothing would exist anymore, you have given up on reality. You are anchored to reality just as reality is anchored to you. You shape your reality just as reality shapes you, and this interconnectedness ends as soon as you sever yourself from it.

I doubt this rambling made sense to anyone but myself, but if you managed to take something away from it, then that's all that matters.

Obligatory "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" comment

Things will get better, but you have to make it happen. Doing nothing all day is a recipe for depression. Try to keep busy.

Lol I have always had the capacity for love, as well as a lot of empathy. If anything I get close and attached a little too easily because I can really understand people, and it's hard to understand your average person and not like them.

I know you are right. Living for them is the only reason I am alive today, and will probably continue to be the reason. But when things get too hard, I become selfish and only want to be free from the cage of my mind. When I am really on the brink like last night, the people I love and care for aren't enough to keep me grounded and sane.

>you seem super egocentric

Are you the guy that said I caused all my own problems, then never explained how I did?

>you're not open to suggestions

What? I went outside because an user said to try it, I started writing shit in my new journal because another user recommended it, and I am going to meditate this evening on another recommendation. I ignore retarded ideas/comments or ones that I have tried and that failed, but I am not just ignoring people's help. I appreciate them trying to help me.

CHECK YOURSELF INTO A MENTAL HEALTH REHAB FACILITY YOU ASSHOLE

>When I am really on the brink like last night, the people I love and care for aren't enough to keep me grounded and sane.
okay user, i think its time to look inward then. do you have ambition? drive? are you willing to throw those away because of one bad night?

trust me, I understand feeling low. I've actually attempted suicide before. my solace is in music. what kind of music do you like? maybe i can recommend some

OP you still alive brother?

Irony had a limit until this quote was made.

You have any idea what people think about suicide?
Suicide is pathetic.
What is more pathetic that suicide? Attempt of suicide or talking about suicide (i was so close) and getting attention from people around you or even anons.
if you are at point of killing yourself just do it and get over it
or don't and change your life make it your turning point but for the love of god dont announce for everyone that you think about it or you have plans to do it since most of us have thought about it and me for example i didnt find any convincing argument to kill myself but i sure as hell didnt write on Veeky Forums to tell anons that i'm thinking about it

unless you've taken a bunch of blood thinners you wont bleed to death from a wrist cut.

I know you are right, but I also hate being guilted into living a life I dread and hate. But I am asking for help, you are right there. Texted my mom and brother and told them I almost killed myself, and apologized. Also texted my old counselor. I feel like I have already tried every proven treatment before, but I'll keep trying for those close to me. But the issue is I always try, never stop.

But sometimes your best still isn't good enough, like last night, or in my life by not being able to do my business because o my fucked brain. What do you do with that?

My condolences about your friend.

It makes sense. Not sure I buy it with how I feel now, but I appreciate the comment man. I do like learning though, I'll try what you said and find that one thing to get me through the day even if it feels like there is nothing.

I always hear the "it will get better line", but I've felt like this my whole life and things have only steadily got worse mentally over the past year. None of the medications or treatments I've done worked, and I have little faith the few small ideas listed here will make a huge difference based on that. I want to believe it, but reality just doesn't support that platitude for me.

I can't say I know how your family and friends are feeling, but your problems may not be as obvious to them as they are to you. They don't get to feel like you every time you are down, so they may think that it's a problem that blows over with time. Tell them, just one of them, how you feel. Swallow your god damn pride because it's killing you, and not obe person you know wants that to happen.

It will get better in the end, you just have to wait long enough. This is the only chance at life you will ever get, I hope you remember that.

I used to have ambition and drive, but like most of the rest of me it got ground down to nothing over the years. After that spite and devotion to my family kept me going. Then it was just the desire to get done with school and take up a hobby or two to keep myself distracted. Now I don't know anymore. in my heart I still very much want the things I used to, but the drive to get that and keep fighting feels like it's gone. I've been trying to recapture it but I'm not even sure how I'd do that at this point.

I like metal, hip hop, and trap music the most. I like indie shit a lot as well, but that "genre" is so varied that it's a bit hard to pin it down. For the most part, I just like what I like. When I am really down I like listening to the loudest, angriest metal I can. Rammstein, Pantera, Hatebreed, etc.. It's soothing.

Thanks man.

Weak faggot detected.

Kill yourself.

Humanity would be better off.

^this.

Emotional _weak_ little faggot.

>I've been trying to recapture it but I'm not even sure how I'd do that at this point.
I feel this. You're on Veeky Forums, so i assume that you lift at least semi-regularly? the gym is a great place to see progress day-to-day, so you can feel like you're accomplishing something. although the best way to get your drive and ambition back is to find about what you're passionate. are you in school? do you have a job?

Now, this isn't much like the music you said you listened to, but listen to this album:
youtube.com/watch?v=MqRNSwXQUwA
i find it really relaxing. try listening to it while you're writing in a journal or reading a book

go and do deadlifts my son.

I know what other people think, and I don't give a shit for the most part. There's a handful of people whose opinions I value, and they are why I did not kill myself. Nobody else matters.

>but i sure as hell didnt write on Veeky Forums to tell anons that i'm thinking about it

Congrats.

It's funny, I actually just finished up an IM conversation with my mom while she was at work, and I actually did get the impression that she realized she really underestimated how bad it was. You are right that I should talk to people, and a few other anons said it. Texted my mom, brother, gf, and an old counselor. I think it's a decent start without making a facebook post about the shit.

Thank for the smile guys. I find it amusing that you guys think some canned insults are going to make me feel any worse or come close to what I think of myself right now.

Wanna know what kept me going a little while back when I was at my worst? I know that it's basically been said already in this thread but sit yourself down and make a quantifiable list of things that you NEED to change of your life. Girl trouble? Tell her to go fuck herself. School issues? Different course or something. Don't want to talk to your family? They'll be there for you mate, what's honestly the worst that can happen?

I also remember reading a quote somewhere about people who had attempted suicide. It was something along the lines of "The second I jumped, all my problems seemed insignificant and fixable".

Suicide is never the way mate. You'll find your way.

Keep fighting

Not gonna help this homo thread but you won't get better OP
I've done this years ago and now I'm in no way "lived from that". I'm still dead inside and afraid of my relationship like a bitch

The only thing does get better tho is that you will be stronger on small bullshits. Like everything expect big thing won't affect you in any way. Therefore you will be able to actually enjoy hobbies. Vydia and sports etc. became more fun to me

Grow the fuck up fgt. Life isn't hard. It's your fault. Do better in school, learn how to study, find a study group online or on campus you stupid degenerate. Find a job and meet new people. Cut out electronics and go out. Go for a walk, read a book, join some local D&D fag club. If you can't even do that just kys already

I have been really bad about lifting the past year so I gained fat and don't look very Veeky Forums anymore, but I do make an effort because I want to look good and exercise has a small positive effect on my mood. Follow through and motivation is a bitch for it though. Usually I go through my stock of will and motivation getting out of bed and forcing myelf to eat something.

I'm in uni right now. On academic probation and slated for a six year degree, but still trying to get my mechanical engineering degree. Quit my job at the beginning of the semester as part of a plan to focus on school more, but my declining mental state negated the benefits I got from that extra time. I'm passionate about a lot of things, but I also need money so I split the difference by going ME since it has a ton of carryover to widely varying fields.

Trying it now, thanks man. I am picky about music, but if I like it I like it so I'll give the album a shake.

In addition. I think my sucididal phase made me feelingless most of the time. Like I just really don't give a shit about anything that could bother me before. This is great because you won't have mood swings and be very consistent

The bad part is that I became even more of a bitch on my relationship because I know I'd be suicidal bad if I lost my girl.

>I crave it as a release
LOL
*TIPS FEDORA
No wonder you have no one

OP, the best thing I've learned about suicidal thoughts and depression (other than medical help) is to talk to someone close. Even if you feel you can't talk to your family, I would strongly encourage you to. Do you think they would rather you suffer by keeping everything locked up inside? Fuck your shame, they won't care about it and you shouldn't either.

Now, is probably right, ever read Its Kind of A Funny Story? A nice story, not particularly award winning, but a kid's gonna kill himself so he checks into a mental hospital. Depression is no joke, professional help is key.

Meditanon sounds like he count be on to something too

Not perfect, but doing nothing all day is terrible. Find a sociable hobby if you dont have one.

Finally, the following posters should fuck off and google the fallacy of relative privation:

if getting to the gym is too much, try running a bit (although this might be hard now that it's winter). it'll keep you active and its less of a time commitment. I'm suggesting this because keeping yourself healthy is so so necessary.

mechanical engineer is ambitious, props if you can hack it. i'm at an engineering school, so i understand what kind of time requirement that stuff is.

keep it up my man. you've survived 100% of your worst days so far - you're doing great.

>m8 why don't you just tell your mother? i'm sure she'd much rather have a depressed son than a dead one.

damn this hit hard

Whenever i get sad or feel like my depression is about to resurface i go for a walk in the woods until i find tranquility, it can take a mere 30min to hours but i dont go home until i feel better. I guess i use it like a form of meditation.

Walking into the woods in this winter without preparation is not a great idea.
Forests are super cold in winter.

Thanks. I am thinking about taking a break from uni. It'snot the cause of my issues, but it's hard to focus on helping myself when I have so much else on my plate at the same time. I am going to try to finish this semester strong and at least pass everything, but if I don't pass anything then I'll take that as a sign that I need to step back and fix myself instead of doing everything at once.

That doesn't sound better than my situation, just shitty in different ways.

>OP, the best thing I've learned about suicidal thoughts and depression (other than medical help) is to talk to someone close. Even if you feel you can't talk to your family, I would strongly encourage you to. Do you think they would rather you suffer by keeping everything locked up inside? Fuck your shame, they won't care about it and you shouldn't either.

I think you are right. After texting my family I feel less empty. Not better or happy, but I feel a little bit more empowered to keep living. All you guys telling me to reach out probably gave the best advice ITT so far.

>How do you do anything on here?
Not a single clue, and I ain't the dullest tool in the shed. Never actually cared about looking for the answer tho.

If you can't tell people things, have someone else tell them for you. Not optimal but could be a starter.

First solution is not coming to Veeky Forums unless you want to die.

> i have depression hurr-durr
> i want to kill myself hurr-durr

Depresion is an illness wich is as lethal as you make it.
Seek help and stop pity yourself.

Same

Been there user. Had broken up with my girlfriend who was my rock, was followed by bad family news and just seemed like all I got was more bad news. I honestly felt at one point if there was a God I'd pissed him off and he was determined to wipe out my family tree. I stopped going to the gym, stopped eating healthy, started drinking a lot. Finally said fuck it, went and bought a box cutter (I remember buying other weird home shit because I was afraid the cashier would be able to tell) then went and bought a bottle of whiskey. Drew myself a bath, got shit faced, crawled in and prepared. Then at the end I pussed out. Sat in the tub crying because I was too big a coward to end it all. I stayed depressed for weeks and months to come and then slowly started to move on. Strangely enough the gym was what helped me most. In the gym I had what felt like complete control of my life. I decide what weights I will lift, I decide how much weight it will be, I decide the muscle groups for the day. I didn't interact with people but that little social interaction of just being in other peoples presence seemed to help a lot. Slowly got back on my diet and started talking to friends again. It didn't happen over night but I put myself back together and today I'm better for it. I've had a few slip ups since but I try my best to just find the positive in things. What I'm saying is just keep on keepin on man, get out there and be around people, you don't have to talk to them but just be in social settings. Find something that will help you through it and I hope you're able to get your life back on track from there.

Yeah it is hard because of winter but I can just throw on more clothes. Never really been into jogging but I can give it a shake in the morning. Usually I do curlbro shit and bodyweight exercises at home to at least stay somewhat active, even if I couldn't go to the gym after class.

I can hack it in theory, but reality had different plans. What engineering are you? Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Also I liked the album but it's a bit too melancholic for how I am now. I added it to my favorite though, when I'm in a better mood I'll revisit it.

I used to do that, but I had a scare where I got trapped in a blizzard and almost got lost. I was decked out in winter clothing, but all I had was my phone (with no signal of course), a knife, and my keys. It kind of killed the enjoyment and peace I used to get from nature walks here.

Thanks for sharing. I feel you on finding something to help you keep going. I made this thread hoping to find inspiration to do just that.

OP here.

Finally after 12 hours I am getting up and at them. Still no food or gym, but I bathed and am going to go to this lecture/info event on some social movement or another just for something to get me outside and around people. I don't really feel better or fixed, but I appreciate the guys who tried to give me some advice and encouragement.

It's gonna go back to square one if you go back on your own. Gotta talk to other people man. Make a new thread tomorrow and keep us posted.

Go back to what on my own? Trying to address my mental illness? Or if I go to this lecture thing alone?

Turns out I can't go to the lecture after all though, my prof's email neglected to mention that you had to register to go a minimum of six hours in advance so I am SOL.

>Make a new thread tomorrow and keep us posted.

Sure man, even if just you is interested then I'll do it. Any sort of code word/title you'd prefer to make it easy to find a thread through search?

One last piece of advice, listen to something inspirational when you get up in the morning, that's when your mind is most impressionable, let it motivate you throughout the day to find missing piece of yourself.

Are you familiar with psilocybin mushrooms? Not sure if I would recommend them considering your current state, but you would need to have someone close with you. I have used mushrooms on nature walks often where I can sit and reflect on suppressed thoughts (ptsd) and causes for my anxiety, and feel and confront them with full force, and just have a "bad" trip. It is incredibly cleansing and I cry every time. When my trip is over I feel refresher and memories and feelings and negative thought patterns have been digested.

Op what state do you live in? Outside activities can help, as well as stopping all masturbation, porn, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc.

This is going to seem random but OP you should hire an escort. I mean, if you're considering suicide, why not fuck a hot escort before you go? That's logic. And actually, you should really just knock a few things of the ole bucket list, like fuck it and go skydiving, or go drive to a state you haven't been to, or go to a gun range, or go karting, or go hiking in some beautiful scenic spot, or fucking anything. I mean, it stands to reason that you ought to go all out before you end it all, right? You can literally do whatever you want.

[spoiler]But then again, what if this gives you the will to live? If it does, it means you don't actually want to die. You prolly just need medication for a chemical imbalance or a change in lifestyle, or better yet both. Think about it.[/spoiler]

Inspirational like speeches or a quote, or just music that I find inspiring? Maybe I could change my alarm to something along those lines, though I do like the bagpipes I have right now.

I know what they are and that they can often help hugely with depression, but I have never tried them. I have known very few drug dealers, and they weren't the type to have psychedelics, they had shit like weed, pcp, and molly. I thought about buying them on the deep web or growing my own, but it's just too damn risky.

Arizona currently for uni. Yeah, I already ditched vices to see if it helped, but thanks man.

There's no shortage of hiking here and I try to exploit it when I have the time and mental ability to get up. I like the gun range idea since IIRC renting a gun at a range is affordable, but I don't trust myself to handle a firearm at this point in time, I'm too unstable. You make good points though, I should find something I want and just blow a couple of benjies on treating myself in some way if it can help me rekindle my desire to live.

>You prolly just need medication for a chemical imbalance or a change in lifestyle, or better yet both. Think about it.

Can't change lifestyle and I am convinced it wouldn't help, but I made a counseling appointment and called my psych to start antidepressants again. Talk therapy and pills never individually helped in the past, but I am hoping together maybe they do something.

a quote, a video (like this youtube.com/watch?v=zlluSzNDDUM), music, it's up to you, find something that inspires you to get up and grow.

"Only one person ever feel an emotion at a time" is a fallacy you came up with on your own. The converse, that ALL people have valid reasons to feel miserable, is also untrue.

You're far too argumentative and self-absorbed about this whole thing to actually be anywhere near suicide, so i don't know why anyone is even bothering with you.

So in essence, you tried to dismiss my feelings and mental illness as nothing because I live in the west, but now you are getting triggered because I turned your retarded logic back on you? You're even stupider than I thought.

>You're far too argumentative and self-absorbed about this whole thing to actually be anywhere near suicide

Kek, you have no fucking idea at all what you are talking about or what depression is. Try reading a book you slack jawed piece of shit. Yes I am mad.

Instead of accepting your problems you can fix them! Go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants. I've been depressed years since middle school (in college now) and decided hey maybe I should Try anti-depressants. The first week I was on it I felt so happy, I felt like I could do anything and i wouldn't be annoyed (homework, chores, driving etc.)
>balding
I'm not to sure on this topic but isn't there medication to stop it?

Just take two scoops and your life will be alright.

I'm serious.

user, every man is beautiful and wonderful, including you

rip in peace user
no really, just die already

>slitting my wrists
Faggot.

Life is the only thing you have OP. Without it there is no possible hope for any improvement. I can't suggest how to improve in the long term because I dont know how your mental healthcare facilities are locally but I have a few short term things that can sometimes banish negative thinking for a while.

Meditate daily to start with, just fifteen minutes at a time. Try and separate your reality from the thoughts you're having and work towards thunking of them analytically, for just fifteen minutes. Deep, controlled breaths. This is a small start but it goes a long way to being able to seperate these thoughts and anxieties from what is really happening and it lessens their significance.

Also, take a shower right now. Not a long contemplative shower, but a quick, shortand sharp shower where you intensely wash yourself, and get dressed into proper clothes afterwards and clean your teeth. You'll feel youve achieved something. It will be really hard but jist focus on getting it done.

Have a hot drink and a sandwich or something, and force it down no matter. More nutritious the better.

Maybe forget about the gym for a while. You'll get your gainz back in no time when you start getting back on track. However, why not try, as soon as you feel an episode coming on, dropping down and busting out 20 pushups, immediately. If its still there when, you catch your breath, do 20 more. Repeat. The endorphins will make you feel better, and your mind will learn to realise that "hmm...this guy isn't ready to give up yet..."

All the while youre doing this, you should be making an objective plan about who you can talk to. Without overthinkinh it, you need to tell your mother and you can both work just logistically on how to find a specialist to talk to whilst your working on these marginal gains yourself. By the time you find someone, if you just absoloutely force yourself to do distraction techniques, you'll be a little closer to dealing with the problem.

It is a certifiable illness after all. Treat it like rehabbing an injury. Small things at first to mitigate minor pains, as if you had a stress ball for a fractured wrist rehab to rebuild your motor functions. After that, you can work on strenghening your muscle. Its the same with the brain.

It will be incredibly hard to force yourself to do these things but they work, over time. When you start being able to recognise the problem, as you already seem able, then it will get easier. Your functioning rational brain is still in there, you just have to slowly spark it back to life.

After you come through a major spell of depression, your insight and emotional intelligence and empathy increases a hell of a lot and whilst you may always have the depressive gene, its nowhere near as debilitating.

Basically OP,

We all want you to get gud.

I know a guy who offed himself when his lady friend turned down his proposal after he bought a ring and a 47k truck.

Injecting testosterone worked for me. I had suicide thoughts everynight and life just felt like a jail. As soon as I started injecting, all of that shit went away very quickly.

Do it, one less mopey bitch hogging the equipment

Ask someone for help, if talking to your ex helped why not try talking to a counselor? Most of your problems seem trivial compared to others and could be fixed fairly easily depending on how much you can motivate yourself.
I don't know if there are other problems but cmon man, find a goal.. If you can't just fucking talk to your favorite professor or something and tell you don't know what the hell to do.

>What the fuck do I do?
I don't know.
Let us know when you find out, please.

what did she do

If you wanted to die you would've done it already instead of talking to your ex about it and posting about it on Veeky Forums. Either kill yourself already or man the fuck up you little bitch.