That first shit of the day

Who here /bidetmasterrace/?

>swear I dropped a couple shits in the toilet even hear it
>check toilet
>nothing

>not using squatty potty
>shit gets stuck halfway through
>tfw it happens

Phantom poo

You must be the worst bottom

>tfw constipated

>tfw take a really satisfying poop
>then take another really satisfying poop you didn't realize you had and would have been happy with just the first one

Name one better feeling.

>tfw scared to use the toilets at work because they might not be able to handle my bulking shits
>tfw you come home from work, rip off all your clothes, sit naked on the toilet for an hour and lose 10% of your body weight while browsing Veeky Forums

Doing all that in your SOs mouth

Bathroom bully masterrace reporting in. Run that bitch. I've been doing this social experiment to see who is alpha and who is beta in my work bathroom. Turns out 99% of my office is beta. What I do is I'll purposefully leave my shit in the toilet and not flush after I'm done. I think I've had maybe only one or two wanna- be tough guys actually say something to me. Everyone else just deals with it. Some even flush them for me. If this social experiment has taught me anything it's that most people are intimidated by authoritative figures and will do almost anything to avoid confrontation followed immediately by pain administrated by said authoritative figures.

>mfw I see beta dyels flush my shit like the cockroaches they are.

My work used to have this problem with me and a couple of other guys always clogging it up. Now the office restroom stalls have poop scissors chained up against the toilet paper dispenser like pens at a bank. I'm sure it also makes it a lot easier on the janitors.

>poop scissors chained up against the toilet paper dispenser like pens at a bank
wtf?
you guys must have diets incredibly high in fiber... or some weird group fetish thing

>poop scissors

I realize Im probably eating some tasty bait, but what the FUCK are poo scissors

You cut the shit once its in the toilet or as it falls down

>poop scissors

A couple days ago I popped something around my anus and it's been half prolapsing during defecation and squats ever since

first shit?

i only have one per day on a good day

when i was ultra skinny and eating nothing id poo maybe 2-3 of those nuggets every 3-4 days

...

What the fuck is wrong with that toilet? There's a shit catcher?

>visit The Netherlands
>shit catchers in toilets
I was generally confused. Every time you took a dump it was left there for display.

>his toilet doesn't have a shit catcher

>The Netherlands
it's called Holland ya dingus

>Tfw when IBS
>Tfw can't remember last time my poo was that stereotypical, long and lumpy, Mr Hanky-esque type.
>Tfw 10th shit of the day

I've jerked off to this video at least 100 times

link to video?

>cutting
>poop every three days
I'll trade you, bruh.

>they dont know about poop scissors

do you live in a third world shithole or what

In my country we use our bare hands to separate our poop. The unprocessed gains then seeps through our pores for maximum lifts.

>TFW always constipated

>yfw you don't get enough greens in

Enjoy your hemorroids lad

You think your company is better than mine because they go all out for their plumbing?

Okay Pajeet.

wtf

you mean you never have? I see you live on the wild side and stick to missionary.

The fuck is a shit catcher and what is its purpose?

anyone else poop 3-4 huge poops within an hour after waking up?

to catch shit

sometimes i poop a massive turd snake that consists the amount you'd find in 3-4 poops.

Kimmy Granger and Sydney Cole

I'm actually working on this video to edit out everything the guy says

>tfw I only take a shit every 3 days
Is something wrong with me???

My grandparents had them - apparently they were developed so you could take a dump and visually inspect your turds for worms since those kinds of infections were a lot more common back then.

Do you feel bloated or constipated? Do you feel immensely better after pooping and feel shitty in the tummy most of the time? If so, see a doctor.

>taking massive dump that rubs your prostate enough to make you squeeze out some semen

I don't think there's better feel

>poop scissors

...

>tfw hemorrhoids
JUST

>he shits at least once a day
Proper dietlets, when will they learn

I know your feeling user. I've been living in this hell for about 8 years now.

I just started drinking protein shakes and I'm freakin out. My piss was dark brown. It happened right after the shake. What the fuck is happening to me?!

Yeah I do.

>feels like a decent/avg poo
>look in bowl and see it's amost full

>poop scissors
>not poop knives
Stay cucked

>going for a run post-shit
Literally no better feeling

urine cancer

>tfw take a big stinky shit every morning at 6am when i get up
>tfw trying to sleep in on the weekend but my bowels wake me up like an alarm clock

Weird feel

>the feels when you fire out a shit missile out of your anus
>the cool feel of toilet water hitting your ass
>evacuating a windy fart for several seconds

One of the best feelings ever.

I am a recovering anorexic.

You have NO IDEA how it feels to start shitting again after all this time.

When I was anorexic I used to shit maybe 3 or 4 peas of shit every 4 days. I used to be so obsessed of calories that I would force the shit into a measuring spoon then take the last thing I ate and find the calories for a spoon of that and remove it from my daily total (so if I ate lentils I would force my shit into a 1/2 teaspoon and if it fit, take 1/2 teaspoon lentils from my daily limit)

When I started eating again I ate like 8000 calories in one day and had a shit at 4am that took 1 hour and 3 toilet flushes. My heart damn near gave out. But it was the best moment of my life. I counted each solid piece of food as 100 calories and ate another 2000 calories before going to sleep. Slept the best I ever had after that until 1pm.

my dog wakes me up first, we go outside and shit together like bros, shit is so cash

Get shit to step on the side of the toilet. Shit in a complete squat. Finish in 5 minutes every time.
Toilet design is shit, men need to squat to take a proper shit.

>dog gets fined for not picking up the shit

boy have I hot a shit story for you guys.

so a few years ago I was getting serious about bulking and doing brazillian jiu jitsu.

I legit did 4 hours of grappling 6 days a week and worked at night.

This is a huge calorie burner so I was eating so much it would make rich piana ashamed.

I ate 9 whole chicken breasts a day, half a block of chedder cheese, 2 and a half loafs of bread, 3 tamatos, and two lettuce heads.

I ate this much for days and days.

well all that cheese got me constipated, and even though I was eating around 5lbs of food a day I was never shitting.

So I stopped eating and started eating fiber1 ceral so I could shit.

Well, eventually the day came when I could finally shit.

I was on the pot for 4 hours and it hurt so bad to push that log out.

It was a single log, unbroken and it was 4 inches in diameter and it was a foot and 1/2 long.

there was not one single easy bit of pushing that out, I had to fight and take breaks and push through the unbearable pain.

When I was done I looked down and saw a MASSIVE HUGE GARGANTUAN SOLID SHIT covered in blood

I had shit so hard and so big that I gave myself an anal fissure. I cut my anus shitting that out and my poops bled for two weeks.

If you don't have a bidet then you know nothing about shitting

I was at the point where if I couldn't have shit it out I would have had to have surgery to remove it it was so massive and life threatening.

R A R E S I P

>9 whole chicken breasts
That's 4 and a half birds!
This sounds like stories of kings in ye olde days who feasted for hours and ate themselves to death!

I nearly did eat myself to death. I didn't even gain weight partly because I was exercising so much and partly because I was overloading my body with food and it couldn't process it.

>when you wake up and release a gas-pressurized turd that's been festering in your bowels all night

He dropped us into the bowl, but we have to go deeper, Boss.

Shit all of your shit in one go. The snake sticks out of the bowl making it impossible to flush.

Bidet user here. Got an attachment made by Brondell or something like that. I think it was $28 on Amazon. Changed my life.

When you use a bidet for the first time, you know what it must have felt like when movies went from black and white to color.

this is fucking stupid the smell willl be horrible

if there even an inch of shit coming out of the water it smell bad I can't imagine this

You can basically give yourself an enema if you turn the pressure up high enough and kind of scoot back so it's going directly into your poop hole. Result = squeaky clean inside and out.

well this is a beginner mistake. You need to drink water to survive

but also you are fucked! enjoy your liver damage

0/10

OP here, rocking dat pre-bedtime shit.

Shitty dreams, everyone

It slipped into the shadow realm user

anyone else here shit at exactly the same time everyday?

every day at 9am for me. on the dot.

Even though I'm a really skinny guy and don't eat that much, I can make some MASSIVE shits

Like, I regularly have shits that are so thick and long that they reach the water before cutting off, and I have to flush 3-4 times because it won't fit down the hole and I get scared as fuck, wondering what I'm gonna do if it won't break up and go down

Turd Tip:
if you are constipated, try shitting like pic related

go out into the woods or somewhere secluded, squat, and let her rip

>tfw I take a shit is so big it folds in half after it comes out

I'M SO TIRED OF TAKING THESE SHITS THAT ARE KINDA SOFT AND BURN MY ASSHOLE WHEN THEY COME OUT AND THEY LEAVE MY ASSHOLE COVERED IN SHIT AND I HAVE TO SIT THERE PUSHING THE REMNANT SOFT DINGLEBERRY BACK INTO MY ASS TO PREVENT IT FROM WIPING ALL OVER EVERYTHING AND STILL HAVE TO WIPE A TON OF TIMES TO GET EVERY SPOT OF BROWN OFF AND THEN I LITERALLY HAVE TO GO BACK HOURS LATER TO WIPE AGAIN BECAUSE SOMEHOW THE BROWN COMES BACK

HOW THE FUCK DO I STOP THESE FROM HAPPENING

BEFORE I STARTED DRINKING SMOOTHIES WITH A LOT OF FIBER FROM OATS, FRUIT, PEANUT BUTTER, MILK I HAD NICE SOLID, CLUMPED SHITS THAT WERE A BIT HARDER TO GET OUT BUT NEVER BURNED AND HAD CLEAN WIPES AFTER, NOW I'M STUCK WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT

poolets when will they learn?

You gotta squirt some water up your ass user. A cheap sauce bottle with a long skinny nozzle (think old school ketchup/mustard bottle) is easy to fill up and stick up there. Lets you get all the poo out. Greatest discovery I've ever made.

god speed user

>tfw in the process of the shit coming out but gf walks in front of the door so anxiety kicks in and I clench my asshole automatically only halfway through

Imagine grabbing your shit and squeezing it with a hand. That's basically what happens, but between the asscheeks

Managed to develop anxiety imprint and this now uncontrollably happens about half of the times I shit without anyone even being in the house

>tfw enlisted
>tfw have to clean for an hour every day in the morning
>tfw this is the only time my body wants to shit
>have to hold in an earth shattering shit and risk destroying myself every day for an hour

fuck my life, my dudes. How do I change what part of the day my body is comfortable pooping?

They always put "Purple - Doesn't exist~ :)" on these to be cute but it does. You're just extremely unlikely to encounter it.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_urine_bag_syndrome

I thought it was only me.

Anyone else's wholesome dooders keep getting stuck horizontally across the turd tunnel? And every time you flush it just further marks its place in defiant protest with only a slight give to its integrity.

It's like trying to fit that god damn couch through the door from INSIDE the house. You know that fuckeroo got in there somehow, but for the life of ye you just can't fathom that creature of the depths exiting such a pristine pucker, let alone proceeding through the pearly porcelain gates of heaven.

Maybe shit siccors aren't such a bad idea.

Coffee and multiple poops errymorning like clockwork.