I go to prison in 9 days. Tips?

if this was true you would already be in jail and not have internet access.

Tip: Mexico is nice this time of year

Drugs, primarily. I also shot someone in the leg but it was in self defense so the charge was reduced to attempted agg batt.

I am out on bail and have sentencing in 9 days

for how long and what did you do?

Good joke. If you aren't white, you'll have to prove your innocence in court.
This will get even worse with Trump.

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what did you do

They put shit in the food that gives you erectil disfunction. Basically watch out for the new guys more then the long timers

>white
>blue eyes
>light brown hair
feels good to be white

Awfully high incidence of criminal elements on Veeky Forums.

How much time are you doing?

run to mexico and fuck brown qts for the rest of your life just for being a white gringo (you're white right?)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh god, my sides. Hope you enjoy getting anally ravaged by another hillary voter in the slammer.
If you start to black out from the pain or blood loss, keep your mind active to stay awake or they'll just take turns on your unconscious body and probably give you an anal fissure, among other things.

m8 he's already going to jail, don't get him decapitated too

The plea I took is for 42 months, and I have 6 done already from before I bailed out of county jail. With good time and programs, I'm shooting for about 25 more months

work glutes so u can make ur ass so tight its impossible for u to be fucked.
not a meme dude im serious.

OP, you have to prove you're the ALPHA MALE not to be fucked with, so, on first day, take a spoon then pick the biggest, baddest looking guy and ram the spoon into his throat, pull out his eyes, shit in your hands and smear it all over your face before dropping to the floor and convulsing and screaming.

After that no one will bother you, trust me, it worked for me the one and only time I was in detention in grade school!!!FACT!!!

How do you think they for Veeky Forums in the first place? Lifting and sucking nigger cock builds muscle along with free protein! If you come out of prison skinny it's because you spent all of your time doing cardio by running away from rape squads!!!FACT!!!

Seriously, use that time for good use. Get in shape and get educated. There are people there who will help you change your life. All you have to do is ask for help.

bring a book. I've always pondered the thought of going to jail just so I can finish reading some epics

join a gang

Dont drop the soap m8

Those are my two primary goals. My mom knows someone who is friends with some of the wardens out here so they are gonna try to get me in a facility that offers educational courses. Learning a trade and getting in shape are definitely on the list. Thanks for backin me up

>i wanna read this book
>better go to jail

punch a guard in the face and go to solitary

I'm not even that user, and I'm an english major. I also thought about going to jail to read. lul

Do you know how long it takes to read moby dick?

Nigger, if you spent less time fucking around on Veeky Forums, you would have plenty of time to read.

This is already the only social interaction I have, what more do you want from me.
>I've already finished the top 40 books on the most influential books of all time list
>English graduate instead of major, not sure why I still say that

>Literally live with cocoons for friends

>t. black lives matter

Think before acting like a stereotype next time.

oh you're the cocoon guy i saw you in another thread last night

>t-thanks for the (you)
I might start tripfagging soon i'm so desperate. Jail seems like a step up

Trust in yourself and know that no one is going to do it for you. It will be hard and you'll hate it but you'll come out of it stronger in both body and mind. Good luck my friend.

Um how about no, you nigger. I'm white and have had white family members go to jail because they committed crime. You are going to pay the price for your niggardry just be glad that lynch mobs are illegal now.

original guy here. I'd go to jail because there's just so much stupid shit to do all day like Veeky Forums and vidya which provide instant gratification that I can't enjoy the little things like the set of Game of Thrones my sister got me for my birthday.

Watch out for your cornhole, bud

As an officer at a prison, just stay out of everyone's way. The officers, inmates, etc. Especially the officers. If you test them or piss them off in any way they will make your time hell. They'll tear your shit up and take your personal pictures and letters and call it a "search". I honestly don't know how the majority of my coworkers aren't inmates themselves. They're criminally insane.

And don't take any free stuff from inmates. It's not free. They'll pressure you into doing something for them later.

(You)

have you tried like, not committing crime?

read convict fitness, it basically talks about fitness while in prison. i cant help with anything else but just dont be a bitch an be likeable enough. if you ever were succesfully part of a sports team as a kid you should know what to do

just close your eyes and think about scooby

>I'm white
>had white family members go to jail
>they committed crime
calling anybody a nigger

What did he mean by this?

buzz your hair, grow a beard (not long enough to grab), bulk up. Bring money and cigarettes in with you. Cigs to trade and give you something to do, money for the canteen. If you still have time get a few boxing lessons. Have someone send you books you want to read.

Don't accept anything from anyone for free only ever trade. If you speak up, know what you're talking about and be confident. Keep to yourself and keep your head low. Don't be afraid to take a beating, even if you get you ass beat you'll get more respect than the fag who submitted. Stick up for yourself and don't take shit. Lift and exercise as much as possible, lifting heavy is a way to show people not to fuck with you. Never let anyone take any food from you and always eat everything you're given.

Do you have a mental disorder or did I miss a meme?

>search thread
>no burpees

wtf fit?

Burpees are THE exercise for prison. You can do them in your cell.

Not all prisons have weights to lift so hopefully you can get to lift weights, but burpees are a very good option for you. There are other bodyweight exercises you can do in a cell too, pushups, hand-stand pushups, sit-ups, dips, and maybe even pull-ups.

Prison food is pretty much like 80% carbs.Preserved and processed, crappy food. Some of them serve up like 3k calories a day. Most of the time people gain a fuckton of weight in prison because they're not working out and eating all of those carbs 3x a day.

Shit, you might even be able to score some roids and turn in your natty card.

tripfagging?

Postin with a name instead of anonymous, think Tinytrip, Zyzz, or todays masT.

Do it, the hero cannot be nameless

If I were you I would flee the country 2bh

Spend the next week with whatever family or friends you have then use the final couple of days to get as far away as possible

>You are going to pay the price for your niggardry

I have been slain. Shadilay, brother.

Someone will pick a fight with you because everyone basically wants to size you up. Fight back, even if you will lose, at least throw a punch. If you don't fight back everyone will treat you like a bitch and walk all over you.

Other than that just keep to yourself, be respectful, don't stare at other people, and NEVER sit on someone else's bed.

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This

I've been in 3 times. It's pretty boring desu, good luck.

If I learned anything from Orange is the New Black, is that prison is like awesome and stuff.

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First day find the biggest dude in the room and punch him in the face. Guaranteed respect.

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Nah he's just getting OP in the mood

Dont drop the soap

> If you are allergic to silicone make sure to stock up on water base lubricants. The last thing you want is an allergic reaction at the moment of insertion.

Pic might be related.

or do...

far be it for me to judge

read "convict conditioning"

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>This will get even worse with Trump.

Prove it.

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oh yeah you might as well learn meditation,check out zazen or stillness meditation. Look up a stretching routine.
You can learn that from books, but right now learn how to make prison wine. You can sell it or trade it and people will consider you more valuable if you can make some good hooch.

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watch and wait, son

allow the biggest, darkest man to penetrate you first and claim you as his territory. this way the betas will leave you alone knowing you're already the alpha's bitch-boi.

IN PRISON TRIHARD

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DONT LET YOUTSELF GET LAZY OP.
seriously, its very easy to let the laziness win, but don't. fucking push yourself - you have 25 months to worry about nothing but bettering and disciplining yourself. i hope you come out made of steel, mentally and physically. good luck bro.

Been in prison twice, first time was for 3 years for assault w deadly weapon and drug paraphernalia and 2nd time was for 6 years for break and enter and assault w deadly weapon

basically when you're in there avoid talking to anyone and if someone makes eye contact do not break eye contact first or you're their bitch and basically just be rude as fuck to everyone because that's the more alpha way to be, I'm 5'9" 165 lbs and nobody fucked with me in there so you should be fine man as long as you're arrogant and act like you're 10 feet tall

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Have you tried being polite, productive and compliant?
That's how white criminals avoid getting shot.

This. The staredown is a test in jail with newbies so don't break eye contact first otherwise you're labelled a bitch in that person's opinion

Fuck bro, 9 years in the clink. You earned those trips man. Nice trips

It's nothing like people make it out to be unless you're from a white collar family who's privileged, than youre fucked because those guys never last being raised in a bitch ass family in a safe environment their whole life

Yeah they put me in for shanking my old lady....what can I say, the bitch had it coming heh. The one thing about life on the inside is that you have to establish yourself as the alpha if you don't want to end up as the resident bitch lol. First day in I asked somebody "yo who's the baddest motherfucker in this bitch" and went right up to him and socked him in the balls. As he fell to the ground I grabbed him by the shirt and told him "Guess what motherfucker, things are gonna be different around here from now on" then I ground his face into the ground. So that's what I'd tell young blood like you, heh.

> light brown hair
> white
Pick one

Join a group as soon as you are able.
If anyone can put money in your account, spend it all on toilet paper.

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