Hey Veeky Forums, looking for advice on an atypical fitness/strength workout

Hey Veeky Forums, looking for advice on an atypical fitness/strength workout.

I don't care about how I look and just want to build up utility...strength in supporting muscles, burst strength in primary muscles for emergency situations, and so on. I also want to lose some weight. I'd rather keep to a simple, efficient workout, like I said I don't care if it makes me look good, just want more useful body. I also don't really want to pay for a recurring gym membership but am willing to invest a little money in some basic equipment. I'm currently a lardass with some muscle from past physical work, but no actual experience lifting. 5'11", 290 lbs, 24yo male, desk jockey lifestyle.

Looking for probably a medium intensity workout, I have a lot of demands on my time so don't want to go for a half hour walk every day, but might go for a 15 minute jog or something instead. Don't really want to do deadlifts and similar high-effectiveness-but-high-injury-risk memes, haven't time or money for something fancy like a trainer and don't trust myself to not slip into the wrong form and damage my back. I do want to build up my arms a little extra for emergencies like I said, but I'd rather not get too extreme on the natty gains, since I still want to be able to fit my arms into fairly narrow spaces, otherwise I'll have to carry a claw around or something. Slow weight loss is fine by me, only want to lose it so I can sprint longer distances and avoid heart disease.

Advice?

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=AOsmeOceOsg
chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2014/03/apocalypse-training-part-1-better-to.html?m=1
twitter.com/AnonBabble

Thank fucking god we weren't alive during the coniferous era. Can you imagine walking down the street only to be ambushed by a 10ft long centipede?

>street
Nigga we wouldn't have streets

So basically you want advice that's throughly explained in the sticky

Fine, game trail.

Yeah but imagine how much protein it must have.

I knew one of you stickyfags would come in here, glance at the post, and yell STICKY! But I came prepared. No. I've thoroughly read through the material linked in the sticky, and now I'd like specific advice for my fitness goals and situation from people on Veeky Forums who are more experienced with fitness than me. Thanks for understanding. If you don't want to give this advice or are unhappy someone would ask about it on Veeky Forums, no obligations, please have a nice day user.

Just lose ALOT of fat then worry about your 'emergency' exercises lol

Mate you have no 'fitness goals' and your 'situation' is completly normal.

I can't build muscle until all the fat is gone?

Mate I know you like to meme but you should actually read too.

Yeah except arthropleura are not carnivorous and would not attack unprovoked.

Bro your OP makes no fucking sense. You want bigger arms for emergency situations? You dont want them "too big" though. You want to build a solid base of strength, but you dont want to deadlift, when deadlifting (along with squatting) is arguably the most important exercise for building a strength base.

Its obvious that you have no clue what you want. How about this though, ask more specific questions so we can answer them because youre all over the place. I myself have lost 120 pounds so maybe i can give you some insight.

You are not a special snowflake. A fat desk jockey, wow man!!!

First priority should be losing weight. Its not athletic or 'functional'. Its not healthy, or attractive. It will also help you fit your arms into narrow spaces. Fair play, that bit isn't in the sticky.

If you don't want to join a gym but can spend some money, spend it on a chin up bar and a 20kg kettlebell.

If you ONLY have 15 mins a day the kettlebell is probably the most efficient way to use that time.

Eat lean meats, lots of vegetables, minimise high kcal pasta rice etc.

Not much more to it than that.

I wanna hear more about the emergency situations. Preferably via paint

dude I would fuck that guy up if he had some shit to say to me or my bitch.

what are you doing here? your goals are so inconsistent and weird that no program is going to fit them perfectly. fucking do crossfit, that's honestly what I'd recommend for someone who thinks like you. And get over the no deadlifting thing, it's not a fucking meme and you can learn the form at low enough weights that it's safe.

I'm not sure what's confusing about that.
I explained why I didn't want to deadlift.
I want muscle strength. I understand it will come with some bulk, but I'm not looking for the "aesthetic" extra bulk that's popular on Veeky Forums. Nor for muscular endurance.

Any weight loss advice you have that's unique to your experience is welcomed, but I do understand the basics pretty well, and 90% of it is just counting calories and running a little, which I've started to do.

You seem to be pretty angry at someone, but I'm not that person user. You don't have to be an important person to make a thread on an imageboard, no signup is required, even. My forearms don't have fat on them, it gathers at my waist, hence why I'm worried a little about them getting too much larger.

I'll get a kettlebell, thanks for the advice.

The most basic thing I can think of is something heavy falls on someone, or falls on me. It would be nice to be able to lift it off immediately. That's why burst strength, rather than endurance. Pretty universal threat. I'm not fantasizing about myself crushing five gunmen to death and riding off into the sunset with the girl like you all seem to think, I'd just like more burst strength in my arms in case I have to knock on wood for some reason.

My goals aren't inconsistent at all though. I'm not insulting deadlifting and you guys don't have to be so sensitive, I just don't want to hurt my back. Can you understand how someone would be worried about hurting their back with the wrong form when Veeky Forums warns everyone daily about hurting their back with the wrong form?

>You're doing a hike in the forest and you bump into this motherfucker. What do you do?

You want to gain strength as fast as possible user?
Deadlift, Bench, OHP, and Squat twice a week on a PPL routine. Focus on doing 5 sets of each exercise in the 1-5 rep range. You dont want to deadlift? fine, substitute for pendlay and yates rows.

The way you type, and the misinformation you think you know is really annoying.

Thanks, I'll try that routine.
>the misinformation you think you know
Please, help me out here, disillusion me.
I wouldn't want your annoyance to grow.

I tell him to lay off the roids

t. wooly mammoth

>wants to gain strength without the most tried-and-true strength exercises
but why
seriously, learn to oly lift & also develop good strength using dead/bench/squat/ohp
there's a reason why athletes do exactly this to gain explosive and functional strength

>I want to be strong
>I don't want to be big
>I don't want to do any heavy compound lifts like deadlift
>I only have 15 minutes to achieve this
You're being ridiculous, user.

You're pretty insufferable. Fuck off

So in other words you're a triggered retard who lurks on Veeky Forums all day waiting for anything remotely approaching someone new to bitch at, but you don't know what you're bitching about to begin with and can't explain it. That's entirely pathetic.

Gee, it sure does sound ridiculous when you lie by omission in your summary, oversimplify, and genuinely fabricate the "haha these ignorant people" narrative that makes you feel good about yourself despite the actual post.

Bullshit. Look at that thing. There is evil in it.

nah mate, you just don't understand how lifting works

Enjoy your kettlebell

wanting strength to lift off something off somebody if only there was a lift who would mimic that motion.

Wew

youtube.com/watch?v=AOsmeOceOsg
>being a centipede getting blown the fuck out by a female mouse

Ask him why the fuck he's hiking through thick underbrush in short pants.

how many mice would it take to kill the OP centipede though?

underrated

what kind of fucking fedora shit is this
>utility strength for emergency situations
>build up my arms or emergencies
>desk jockey lifestyle
faggot. what emergencies are you thinking of, carrying grocery bags to the ouse in 1 trip? the only forseeable thing i can think of that lifting would apply to would be lifting someone out of a burning house, a car off of a baby etc. WHICH DEADLIFTS WILL HELP YOU ALOT IN DOING CAUSE ITS PICKING THINGS UP....

but either way its a once in a lifetime thing and you probably wont have any emergencies
get the fuck out of here.

fukkin this.

Looks exactly like a large version of the things that live in my shed. I guess they are perfectly evolved.

One huge mouse?

there isn't really much of a difference in "burst strength" and "normal strength", i.e. what you train when doing completely normal exercises like bench pressing, where the motion is already performed relatively quickly anyway.

YOu guys elected a 6ft centipede for PotUS...What's the biggy-ru dear-y?

op, you're gonna have to lift weights. I personally have goals similar to yours. I do a combination of oly lifting and gymnastic ring work. my week can look something like this, each line is a new day.
before work (4 days):
>snatches
>beginner ring routine from the Art of Manliness (If anyone knows a better one, do tell)
>clean and jerks
>ring routine again
days off (3 days)
>squat + whatever I feel like
>rest
>squat + whatever I feel like

It's not the most efficient, but I'm gonna work on it.

chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2014/03/apocalypse-training-part-1-better-to.html?m=1

>no matter how you life you will never 9ft with 100 legs

With 100 legs could you imagine a this centipede's squat. Would have to use Osmium plates to even break a sweat.

>strength in supporting muscles
sounds like you want to deadlift
>burst strength in primary muscles
sounds like you want to deadlift
>I'd rather keep to a simple, efficient workout
sounds like you want to deadlift
>I don't care if it makes me look good, just want more useful body
sounds like you want to deadlift
>Don't really want to do deadlifts
...
No, man. You definitely do.

You're worried about injuries? Good. Look up proper form, and practice with low weight to get your form down. Deadlifts won't hurt you if you do them right.


Losing weight is as easy as counting calories. It takes no time out of your day.


Also,
>I'd rather not get too extreme on the natty gains, since I still want to be able to fit my arms into fairly narrow spaces,
lol get over yourself. You're not going to explode into muscle over night. You're not training with gamma radiation, Dr. Banner.
At nearly 300lbs, your arms are sure as fuck not small right now. Once you get down to a normal human weight you could gain muscle for years and still not have arms as big as the fat ones you've got now.