Gather round anons, it's story time!

Gather round anons, it's story time!

How the Landwhale stole lifting
~Dr. Zyzz

Every Fitizen
Down in Fit-ville
Liked lifting a lot...

But the Landwhale,
Who lived just North of Fit-ville
Did NOT!

The Landwhale hated lifting! The whole beach season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he couldn't see his own balls.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His balls or his tits,
He stood there on Lifting Eve, hating the Fits.
Staring down from his cave, with a sour, fatty frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Fitizen down in Fit-ville below
Was prepaing now for tommorrow's dumbbell rows.

"And their dead hang pull ups!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Lifting! It's practically here!"
The he growled, with his fatty fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Lifting from coming!"

For,
Tomorrow, he knew...

All the Fit girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush to their gym!
And then, oh the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Fitizens, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!

They would feast on Fit-whey, rare Fit-oats-beast!
Which was something the Landwhale couldn't stand in the least!

And then,
They'd do something he liked least of all.

Every Fitizen down in Fit-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with dumbbells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand (no homo). And the Fits would start grunting!

They'd grunt! And they'd grunt!
And they'd GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!

And the more the Landwhale thought of this Fit-Lifting-Grunt,
The more the Landwhale thought, "I must stop these sick cunts!"
"Why, for thirty-three years, I've put up with it now"
"I MUST stop the Lifting from coming! ...But how?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE LANDWHALE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Landwhale laughed in his throat.
And he bought a bottle of creatine and test.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great fatty ruse!"
"With this creatine and test, I'll look just like Natty Scoob!"

"All I need is a barbell..."
The Landwhale looked around.
But, since barbells are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Landwhale...?
NO! The landwhale simply said,
"If I can't find a bench, I'll use the squat rack instead!"
So he strapped on his belt and to the squat rack he went went.
He loaded one plate and curled with all his might, back bent.

Then,
He loaded some oats
And some old Monster cans
Into the backseat
Of his moms minivan.

Then the Landwhale said, "Giddap!"
And the van started down
Toward the homes where the Fitizens
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Fits were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Landwhale hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney, with a flop and a flail.
But, if Scoobs could do it, then so could the Whale.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little progress pictures all hung in a row.
"Their gains," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took everything present!
Benches! And Bicycles! Fish Oils! Weights!
Barbells! Supplements! Dumbbells! And Plates!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Landwhalle, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Fits' feast!
He took the Fit-Whey! He took the Oats Beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Landwhale even smoked their last bowl of Fit-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Landwhale, "I will stuff up the machines!"

And the Landwhale grabbed the Machines, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He tuned around fast, and he saw a small Fit!
Little Cindy-Lou Fit, who just got done with her three day split.

The Landwhale had been caught by this tiny Fit daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Landwhale and said, "Natty Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Smith Machine? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Landwhale was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Natty Claus lied,
"There's a cable on this machine that won't lift on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Fit went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the Machine up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire!
Then he hobbled up the chimney, himself, the fat liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Fits' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Fit mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Fits, still a-bed,
All the Fits, still a-snooze
When he packed up his Van,
Packed it up with their Oats! The Protein! The Medicine Balls!
The Squat Racks! And the Belts! The Straps! The Pictures of Zyzz off the Walls!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-Pooh to the Fits!" he was Whale-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no gains are coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the Fitzens down in Fit-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!

"That's a noise," grinned the Landwhale,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the whale put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Fit-ville!
The whale popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Fitizen down in Fit-ville, the tall and the small,
Was exercising! Without any weights at all!

He HADN'T stopped Lifting from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Landwhale, with his whale-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without Benches! It came without Plates!
"It came without Dumbbells, Barbells or Weights!"
And then he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Landwhale thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Gains," he thought, "don’t come from a store.
"Maybe Lifting...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Fit-ville they say
That the Landwhale's fat belly
Shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
He wizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!

The Landwhale carved the oats-beast!


MERRY CHRISTMAS Veeky Forums!

9/10 would read again.

Nice, have a bump.

9/10 good shit OP

>dr zyzz
I love you op

9/10, post again next year

Merry Veeky Forumsmas to you too user.

plesent story OP.

Saving for posterity. Comfy as fuck user, thank you for sharing!

>Lifting Eve
Bretty gud Op

OP here, thanks a lot but it's a copy pasta from 4 years go.

Just thought I would share again :^)

Dr. Scoops wanna be

nice

You deserve this bump

Here's one from last year that some user wrote and recorded

Alone on Christmas cuz military was feeling down but now I'm feeling better thanks user

Great job, user. Please do more in the future

Can someone screencap this pls

Sweet bruh