What's that word for when you realise that you'll look back at the previous year and three quarters and realise it was...

What's that word for when you realise that you'll look back at the previous year and three quarters and realise it was completely wasted?

>finished a degree I hated
>worked retailcuck part time jobs
>barely read more than 5 books
>did maybe a month's worth of productive stuff in my free time
>went to the gym regularly and lifts went up but ate lots of junk food and had coffee enough to harm sleep at times
>main hobby is taking walks or driving and feeling sad about my life and telling myself I will work extremely hard to learn productive skills tomorrow
>wasted gigantic amounts of time on internet and Veeky Forums browsing
>told myself every day that I'd start working hard and eating healthily tomorrow and having genuine false hope almost every time

I can't motivate myself to work hard on anything or have goals. I know other people have quarter life crises but my life is fucking zooming past, not due to a boring 9-5 job but my inability to do anything with my free time.

I am a Stirnerite that knows deep down that all advice is trivial and worthless.

I hate that there are ten trillion topics considered important and that there is always someone willing to call you a retard if you don't know it. I fully realise that it's all social signalling nonsense. Yet it still weighs on me. There's always someone willing to say you only need to work hard if you're stupid. Or you're stupid not to work hard. Or that procrastination is great- or not. Or anything.

I feel like everything is so trivial it's not worth doing or extremely frustrating and out of my reach.

I see successful people and almost all of them just got in to the right institutions and took the elevator up with tonnes of support. I go to graduate assessment days and am surrounded by normie clones who are interviewed by their normie clones. I have almost no chance. And these are interviews for "respected" jobs that usually do pointless things.

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Go watch the entirety of Jordan B Peterson's "Maps of Meaning" lecture on youtube

Right off the bat, I have to say this post really connected with me. I think a lot of us are going through a similar struggle. And I don't think there is a well-known, one-size-fits-all solution.

The only tiny amount of progress I've made in this area is:
(1) There seems to be some hard-coded phenomenon in us where accomplishment begets accomplishment. So perhaps try to keep some momentum up in your life?
(2) Loving yourself sounds cheesey, but I always feel less inclined to waste my own time if I realise I actually like myself and want to help myself. But part of this is realising its okay to be mediocre and sometimes fail. It's okay you only read 5 books.

About Stirner: I try to keep in mind that he died on the run from debtors and largely alone (only 2 people at his funeral, IIRC). But I do love his idea of using ideas as tools.

The people who we so often see as virtuosos or geniuses typically have foregone so much balance in their personal lives - but that is hidden from us.

Again, I'm just a pleb, but in terms of something concrete: why not find just one (relatively healthy) thing in your life you genuinely love, and do that for a while? Forget 'being productive'. From where I stand, it sounds like you're living a pretty decent life. I don't really understand what you're so upset at.

I sound like a Jordan Peterson wanker...

Just go join the army or something you clown.

Why do you keep shilling for this Jew?

Might be you have depression? I read somewhere that depression, especially during childhood, changes the brain's chemistry so that positive things don't cause a release of your happy chemicals. So when bad shit happens, you feel bad like everyone else. But when good shit happens (you max out your lifts, graduate school, ace a job interviews, etc.) - you only feel a small part of what a normal person does. So it's easier for your brain to remain in this dark, unfeeling state where time stands still.

Inb4 2edgy4u. Trying to figure out what is wrong with me. There are weeks where I hit every objective and just carry on the momentum, but when it stops, everything stops and the best way I can describe is living outside of time - why plan for the future if it will never come? Why think about past achievements if they dont exist? The brain is weird.

Also, not OP, just another person trying to figure things out.

Some other stuff that I've uncovered:
- working out helps out in getting out of the dark place. Not a miracle cure, but it cuts down the time of being there.
- keeping a journal helps recognize when I'm that place. It sounds stupid, but it would take me a few weeks to realize that there's something wrong. Now I know faster and I can react faster.
- knowing the above, it makes me expand more energy when I'm in the good state. I have this feeling that the bad state can come any time so I gotta do as much shit as possible.
- Food/drugs don't influence anything. Surprisingly playing some video games does, or reading some light scifi/fantasy books (used to be into that more in HS)

idk what to tell you op. I'm some loser who graduated from a good college but is still jobless, living with his parents, and goes to community college. I have 3 tests tomorrow and I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning, much less study or go to the gym regularly. I have no idea what to do with my life. I just hope that the military will take me even if I had depression because I have a 4 year degree. I doubt it though. I have no motivation, no self worth, and no idea what to do. if I told my parents I'd probably have to go see a psychologist and I don't have the mental fortitude to do what they're going to ask of me. if I had the courage I'd order some helium, tubing, and a mask and just kill myself

That's the opposite of good advice moron

Sending someone to the blender, re-infantilizing them where everything is nicely structured by mommy, is the opposite of progress.

>told myself every day that I'd start working hard and eating healthily tomorrow and having genuine false hope almost every time

Just get up and do it. If youre at work - do it right after work. If it's raining/snowing, just go running either way, it's just a little bit of water. If it's late and the gym is far away, do 30-40 minutes of calisthenics. Don't overthink things, just physically carry out the actions. Never done calisthenics? Dont waste hours on looking at youtube videos, just start doing pushups and shit. After you're done, then look this info up for your next workout.

> I see successful people and almost all of them just got in to the right institutions and took the elevator up with tonnes of support.

I used to think that. I was going to CC and working at like 9$/hour in retail. Then it occurred to me that opportunities come and go and it's a question of whether you're open to them and willing to take the risk. Most people are too comfortable to take any risk at all.

That was 5 years ago, now I'm doing 110k/y as a software developer, debt free. I just started showing up for classes, doing the assignments, and that "showing up" got me to the top of the class (just remember it was a no name CC). I was the only person to get an internship. All of the other people couldve done the same, spent those 2 hours a week studying, and they'd be able to do the same. Instead, they'd talk about vidya games and shit.

Basically, if you show up and really do the work then you're already in the top 10%. You don't have to excel, just do something until it's done right. You'd be surprised by how few people actually do this (this explains why everything is so shit - trains late, software breaks, trash everywhere, etc.).

Then, gaining those last 10% takes a lifetime.