Forgot my squat rack voucher at home and got forced to work the in the Oats mines for 3 straight days

Got my dick stuck in the plate dispenser again

>Begin eating second lunch of they'll day
>Hear a strange whaling coming from the door.
>Chief Skelly of the clan DYEL barges in with his 100lb warriors.
>Forces to run on hamster wheel until calorie surplus is gone
>I need a new gym that isn't in chief skellys land.

>be me
>at gym
>try to get 45's from the plate dispenser
>it won't take my quarters
>suddently, dispenser goes haywire and spits lmao2pl8 at VERY hihg speed straight at my dick
>dick is bruised
>penis inspection day is tomorrow
How can I pass penis inspection day with a bruised dick? Can I use some sort of make-up on it or something?

>enter gym, it's surprisingly busy
>head over to the protein dispenser
>pump the handle
>nothing comes out
>must be nearly empty from all the other customers today, but that won't stop me
>pump a few dozen times, speeding up as I go, have to switch arms after a while
>finally I hear it coming
>try to line up
>the stream misses my mouth, grazes my cheek, mostly lands on the guy in line behind me though
FML

Bumping this great thread

>enter gym
>picking my gym shorts off the wall
>most of the good pairs are already taken
>one last decent pair that doesnt smell like shit
>make eye contact with 6'2'' black guy also browsing
>it becomes like one of those commercials where two moms with shopping carts are racing to get the last item off the shelf
>it raises to a physical fight
>they spray us both down with the gym hose
>they make us both put one leg into each side of the shorts
>when we squat his balls leave wet prints on my thigh
>mom picks me up and i cry to her about it on the way home

Now i make sure to get there early

>have to share squat belt with my gym nemesis
>barely long enough to fit around both of us
>he refuses to coordinate or squats so we're not in time with each other

>was about to reach a 30 day checkin streak and get a free plate voucher
>couldn't tip my receptionist since I forgot my wallet
>they wouldn't let me in
>made a scene about breaking my streak
>TFW no streak restore

>Manlet pit closed for cleaning
>Entire gym is covered with them
>Had to wait 45 minutes for the weighted ab wheel

>Gym had 2 pairs of 55 lb plates
>Much rarer than 45 plates, and the most prized by heavy lifters
>55 lb plate worth at least 75 lb on the plate exchange
>One day some door to door plates salesman comes by and pawns off two dozen gently used 55 lb plates
>Market is flooded
>55 lb plate trading at 35 lb
>Had all my gains invested in 55 lb futures, gains are now worthless
>Have to completely restart training with a beginner program and just the bar

>plate dispenser coupons are out of date

>Gym forgot to hire guards to keep out the gains goblins
>Half my gains lost in a day

Hahaha!

wtf gym do you guys go to? plate dispensers? manlet pits??

>His gym doesn't have a manlet pit

How do you manage to contain them? Do they injure themselves on the human sized equipment?

>Gym only has 3 pairs of 2.5 lb plates
>Need them for 5 lb bench press PR
>Gym Jester is holding all 2.5 plates hostage for his gym juggling routine
>Ask him for a pair, he just taunts me
>He starts saying "better round up fat boy" over and over, the whole gym is laughing
>Try to bench 10 lb PR
>Get stuck on the bar
>Gym Jester balancing plates on his head chanting "leg drive leg drive leg drive"
>Have to roll of shame while the whole gym watches
>Gym Jester gives me a balloon barbell that's "more your pace" and a 30 day subscription to the chest press machine

>doing leg curls
>suddenly someone grabs my ass and scuttles away
>see the local gym rapist hiding behind the smith machine

fucking hell, looks like the gym bodyguard won't be getting his tip this week

>looking for micro plates
>only find .75 lb plates
>ask gym bouncer where the .25 lb plates are
>gives me a weird look

Kekked.

This is great.

>Not investing in stable, reliable smith machine bonds

>tfw the plate market crashes before your eyes

>tfw gym enters recession
>only one (1) lmao pair of solid gold pl8s which hold their value

Anyone know of a good Keynesian gym around here?

Hahaha Xd upvoat

>Forgot my gym buddy voucher at home
>Have to work out solo
>We're at gobbo alert red
>Decide to chance it anyways
>Mid-squat and I'm suddenly mounted
>"Nyeeeheheh igri decha Piana!"
>Oh god no
>Orc-Piana begins to spot me
>Sobbing as he steals all my gains
>Banned from the gym for regressing into a lanklet

God damn you Orc-Piana

>tfw gains backed securities caused the plate market meltdown of 08

>there's a black widow spider hiding somewhere in the gym drum-set.
How am I supposed to get them finger and ankle and rhythm gains when a bite from that gains goblin could take me out for a few days?

underrated

>plate machine ate all my quarters
>gym attendant took the day off cuz 4/20
>kick dispenser out of frustration
>my SS+GOMAD physique breaks machine open, plates land on my foot
>foot broken
>everyone rushes over to loot the plates I had just broken free
>get pushed over by the angry mob of lifters
>start making sounds of agony holding onto my foot
>lunk alarm goes off
>lunkbots come and escort me outside
>guard the entrance and won't let me back in for another 24 hours
>left my keys, wallet, and sips in my locker

IT'S NOT FAIR

>walk into the gym
>scan in
>lady tells me there's a problem with my membership
>go to the front desk and they tell me I owe fees
>I take out my credit card and pay the fees
>walk into the locker room and change my clothes
>urinate and wash my hands
>walk into the mats area
>warm up with plenty of stretching and mobility work
>head to the bench press and do five sets of five reps
>followed by light OHP
>some bi's and tris
>shower and change
>go home

jusd glen the benis nd desdiggles

This is by far the most autistically unfunny shit Veeky Forums has ever spewed ever since our lord and savior got cooked in the sauna.
It's like fucking /r9k/ was trying too hard to meme while pretending to lift.

Thanks for bringing the national autism level up by 15% assfaggots

this thread is so try hard. God how could you be worse than fucking /tv/

>Gym falcon keeps eyeing me

Kekked several times