Can't cook for shit...

>can't cook for shit, anything that isn't incredibly precise and brainless in it's instructions will be fucked up (can make hardboiled eggs, can't make scrambled eggs)
>can't stop eating fast food
>don't drink any water, only diet soda instead (water tastes bad to me, I feel intense craving for soda constantly throughout the entire day)
>can't get my diet in order, can't lose weight, can't get in shape
>feel depressed and miserable and hate myself
>emotional pain makes me crave more fast food and soda

I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't get over the numerous psychological hurdles. I am a failure of a person. I know I need to 'eat right', I know what foods are good and what are bad, but I can't actually put together a concrete meal plan and I keep making the same fuckups

Help me Veeky Forums, I want to be better

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start with simple shit u can control. if you can follow instructions you obviously can cook

clean ur room

youtube.com/watch?v=BBR5v89L6gk

Tip for scrambled eggs, if you think they are done, you overcooked them

Wait what Scrambled eggs are even easier than hardboiled eggs. Just grab a bowl, crack 3 eggs into it, whisk and add milk a bit at a time until there is a white "outline" on the mixture (you can see milk on the sides). Then put in microwave full blast for 2 minutes, take out mash up, then put back in for another 2 minutes, if still runny (it shouldnt be at this point) put back in for another 2 minutes, then either eat in bowl with brownsauce/salt or served with the rest of your breakfast.

How is this complicated?

why the fuck would you use a microwave when you already have the stove going?

fucking retarded american

Oh what the fuck microwave?

This kind of shit is only going to feed OP's fear of cooking. What yo usaid makes no fucking sense and is a "you done fucked up" tip, like it isnt going to help him at all during the cooking process and since he obviously isnt very good at cooking (so wont be a good judge of when it is "done") your advice will only lead to more mistakes.

In general OP, you just need practice, calmly prepare food and learn from your mistakes, if you arent a very good cook (like I was at the beginning) then each dish will probably take atleast 2 or 3 tries to do properly in your kitchen, its just a matter of sticking with it and learning from it all.

Sounds like you need to go full autist and just plan out everything you eat to the last detail. Clear out your kitchen. Spend a day, the whole day if you need it, deciding what you will eat for the next week. Then buy the things you need. Obviously no soda.

Why do I have the stove going you absolute retard? If im using the microwave I wont be using the stove. And even then why does using the stove (If im going to cook maybe bacon as well) mean i HAVE to use the stove to cook scrambled egg too? are you autistic?

I dont really even have scrambled egg because I much prefer omlettes but the idea that im forced to use the stove because its being used for something else already is fucking stupid and so are you.

Here's a tip from a former piece of shit. Pick ONE thing you fuck up. Focus on that. ignore EVERYTHING ELSE until you've got that one thing in order. You want to stop drinking soda? stop drinking soda. Let the rest of your diet be shit (just avoid replacing one sugar with another). Eat greasy burgers every day, just STOP DRINKING SODA. once you've got that down, pick the next thing. do that, maintain your habit of not drinking soda, and ignore everything else, rinse, repeat. It will take a LONG TIME. But as long as you're working on ONE thing and not giving up the stuff you've already accomplished, you're making progress.

Work your way down a list this way, instead of trying to do everything 'right'. You need to tackle your shitty behaviors one at a time to change them, you can't just reinvent your whole shitty self overnight and expect it to stick. It's way easier to make real, long term changes to your behaviors one at a time, especially if you're a real fucking trainwreck who relies on bad food for comfort

I'm speaking from experience here, and someone who's lost 80 pounds in the last couple of years by fixing one thing at a time. After a while the stuff you struggled with at first will seem like a complete non issue, but the only way to manage that struggle in the first place is to focus on it and not overwhelm yourself by trying to fix everything.

OP, get yourself a copy of ATK Cooking School cookbook. This has to be the greatest cookbook of all time. Every step of every recipe, literally every fucking step, has a "why" section which explains the point of that step (and it's not always obvious).

Every recipe is prefaced with a "what can go wrong" section which tells you the common mistakes and how to fix/prevent them. All the recipes are "tested" to give the most consistent results possible. Their insane attention to detail makes it feel like you're reproducing a scientific experiment. There is no room for error; they take out all the guesswork.

oh look! it's an american. kill yourself

I was with you up until
>Then put in microwave

Its still delicious, I dont understand what the hate with microwaves are, can you tell me the difference between stove cooking scrambled eggs and microwaved ones? Ive had both and both tasted exactly the same, with the microwave one having less pots to clean up.

Should I stop drinking soda all at once?

Should I set limits and try to stay under it, then lower limits over time? If I do this, how long should I wait before lowering the limit

If you cant cook scrambled eggs, you need proffesional help.

Literally:
>Put egg in pan
>Turn on heat
>Turn egg with spatula until it looks edible
>Turn off heat
>Remove from pan

Anything else is just extra

underrated post

Just learn to deal with eating unpleasant food until you figure out how to do it right. Undercooked eggs haven't killed me yet and I've been drinking them raw since I was old enough for milkshakes.

Well, you know yourself, and you know how bad your habit is. What do you think would be more achievable for you? The key is to do things that are hard in the easiest way possible for you so that you can follow through on them.

You've obviously tried to make positive changes before, so you know your own weaknesses and limits. For me, I need very strict rules. If I give myself an inch, I'll take a mile. So when I decided to cut out sugar, I stopped it cold turkey. no more soda, no candy, no chocolate. It was really rough (sugar is physiologically addictive) for a few days, but I got over it.

Generally speaking stopping cold turkey works better for me, but you might be different. If you think you won't be able to handle it being rough for a while, and you want to try and wean yourself off of it, you can try that. But you need to have the discipline to let yourself have a little without over indulging, which is not something I can do.

grilled chicken marinade for 2-3 hours: sliced chicken breasts (1lb). 1/4 olive oil. 1 tbsp mustard. salt and pepper to taste. dash of hot sauce. lemon if you like that.
tips for rice: soak in water overnight. strain, then boil in pot with a drop of oil and a small amount of added water.
tips for pasta: salt water.

you don't even need to add milk. I just crack the eggs into a pan on low-medium heat and stir when i remember to (or just forget and end up with more through-cooked eggs than I'd like).

as long as you don't cook them at retardedly high temps they turn out fine.

Then quit whining on the internet and do better. No one can do it for you.

You should try cooking your eggs on the stove after you cook bacon, the bacon fat gives the eggs a great flavor

don't even think of it as "stop drinking soda all at once".

it's easier to just stop buying soda, and then not drinking it is a simple side effect. you only need to exercise willpower like once a week at the grocery store. ditto for crap like cookies.

I used to eat like a pound of cookies a week. Once i stopped buying them during my grocery shopping trips 1-2x a week, that dropped to zero without any real effort involved. Nowadays I might have an occasional cookie if they cross my path and I actually want one, but it's pretty rare. once you get away from the junk for a while, you realize that it wasn't very satisfying to begin with.

>I dont understand what the hate with microwaves

You're literally blasting your food with radiation.

>"your room is often a direct representation of your mind"
>look around my room
>it's trashed but I know where everything is
>fug

>putting egg in the pan before it is warm

First step already fucked up

Not OP but thank you for the suggestion. I've been wanting to get a book on cooking but didn't know which one I should get. Any other suggestions?

Just get the ball rolling senpai, start with simple stuff and gradually add more and bigger goals, you just need some momentum

it takes like two months to internalize a habit and you'll only be able to focus on a few things at once, take your time and think long term

Also a really great tool if you can manage is to write this stuff down, go example the number of sodas you drink each day, helps to see progress and generally be aware of what u do

Mark Bittman and Jaime Oliver also have simple basic recipes written for cooking neophytes.

Good luck! Practice all the time, don't be afraid to fail.

Much appreciated.

Eggs always get a weird texture when I microwave them, and sometimes they ooze. the ooze is kinda gross to look at but doesn't change the flavor.

Jesus christ, OP. I could make omelettes when I was 10 years old, and I was as short as the stove

Go to cooking blogs like Justonecookbook.com that have step-by-step pictures and start with their simple recipes. Search Youtube for "how to cook ___" videos and follow along. You'll get the hang of it. No one is born knowing how to cook.