Im like 99% sure that this job im applying for has Rich Piano as the manager

Sure why not.

>work in brokerage firm
>interview with college grad for internship
>seems qualified enough, has a white name, no arts degree, etc
>should go well enough
>shows up 30 minutes late
>"sorry bro, I missed the bus"
>wearing a hoody/sweatpants combo
>businesscasual.jpg
>looks like he just rolled out of bed
>greasy hair
>smelled like he hadn't showered in a week
>already know I won't hire
>have nothing better to do so decide to interview anyway
>"tell me about a time when you led a team to achieve a goal"
>I shit you not this is what he said
>"well just the other day I was at a party and wanted to beat the record for longest keg stand so I organized people to clear the floor, bring over a keg, and hold me upside down. Long story short I didn't beat the record but I gained valuable experience in managing others and resources that will help me to lead in future projects in the business world."
>mfw
>decide to keep going
>"tell me about a time you were working under pressure and how you overcame obstacles. "
>expecting something about finals
>oh no
>tells me about a time he promised he'd get weed for a friend but his weed guy was out of town
>"what do you think of the current trends of our industry and where the future of it is?"
>says that the 1% is taking advantage of the poor and that the future should have more equality
>ask him to elaborate
>says that you can't even get 1% on a savings account and that a more fair rate would be "around 20% since [the company] has so many billions anyway"
>I shit you not, his master plan was to run the company at a significant loss
>mfw this interview isn't too out of the ordinary

There's "doing overtime because an unforseen event happened" and there's "doing 13 hour days without OT pay five days a week because that's what it means to love the company".

I'm quite happy to filter out bosses wanting the latter.

Meant for you

I'm struggling to find an SFW reaction face suitable for this horror.

He sounds like a bro.

Degenerate detected

...

he sounds like a massive liberal fag

What do you guys think it would be like working for rich piano?

Real talk Veeky Forums, if the next question is
>how many scoops are acceptable in your average protein shake
What do you say?

You should enlighten Veeky Forums with more employment stories. It's the best thing this board has going on right now.

your only assignment will be to do 8hour arm workouts everyday

Imagine being so cucked you'll regularity
work for free

Arrive at work every morning to the sound of
>good fucking morning goddamnit
Behind schedule
>c'mon get to work
Stay overnight to finish job
>whatever it takes

WORK BIG GOD DAMIT

This happened before last one by about a week.

>finish second to last interview for that day
>no one too impressive but not bad either
>look at who I have next in interview stack
>John Smith
>Bachelor degree in Afro-American sudies
>chuckle thinking about studying afros
>imagine taking an elective on afro picks
>well, gotta fill the diversity quotas somehow...
>cross chest
>let'sgetthisoverwith.png
>call him in
>ask the usual battery of questions
>pretty boring interview until I ask him to tell me about a time he had to persevere to accomplish a goal
>nothing could have prepared me for what came next
>tells me about how hard he trained to achieve his dream of being a pilot
>ask him to tell me more
>says that the memories are a little foggy because it happened so long ago
>can't be older than 25 so I ask him what he means
>says that he was a pilot in a past life over 3000 years ago
>the he was a rising star in the African airforce
>on track to become an astronaut but got shot down during a mission
>tell him that I don't remember any past lives and ask how he found out about his
>says he visits a psychic every week to channel his past
>gives me some info and says I should check them out
>pick my jaw up off the ground
>thank him for his time and tell him we'll be in touch

I thought people like that were just a meme...

...

they are, you literally met a living meme

LEAVE PERSONAL LIFE BEHIND CMONNNNN

oooh shit i know couple people like that
>be me at bar i go every weekend with my friends
>cute hippie looking girl is rolling a tobacco cigarrette
>go talk to her and ask her for a lighter
>after couple minutes talking she stops talking and stares at me with a weird face
>"what? do i have something on my face?"
>"oh, no user, its just that you are so familiar"
>literally never saw her before
>"oh my god, i remember you! you were a horseman 500 years ago and you saved my life on a riot on the kingdom"
>started making shit up and kept talking about medieval times with a hippie for about 1 hour

How come no one remembers their life as a starving serf?

because they are high or they are inventing stuff just like i was and she was agreeing on everything i told her

I'm pretty sure most people remember one life as a starving peasant, the other lives are just more interesting. Most people remember at least 10 lifetimes, statistically speaking most of those are actually going to be lived in squalor.

I just straight up don't believe you.

110% this

...

>2017
>not being the Avatar
All my past lives were pretty great. Sucks to suck, plebes

Damn. Can I have some more? It makes me fear for my future once I land on the job market in a year or so.

I wish I was lying but colleges aren't exactly taking the best and brightest this country has to offer anymore... youtu.be/sJvBwJ_h-UE

Sure. This one was a while ago. A woman came in with her dog. I don't remember it's name but let's say it was snuffles.

>call in woman for an interview
>walks into office with dog
>it's golden retriever
>"um ma'am I don't think you can have your dog in the building with you"
>tells me the receptionist said it was fine and that it is her therapy dog
>shrug and go with it
>ask her what a therapy dog is
>basically it's to help people who are autistic cope with the world
>start asking her questions
>she repeats question in a high pitch dog talk voice to snuffles before answering
>"I don't know, what do you think snuffles? Is the industry overcrowded or is there room for innovation?"
>nervouslaughter.gif
>jokingly say that maybe I should be interviewing snuffles since he's got all the answers
>"wow that's a great idea"
>she picks up snuffles so he's standing on his back paws facing me
>mfw
>start asking snuffles the questions
>she answers in comical dog voice
>go through entire interview like that
>mfw snuffles actually gave me decent answers to the questions
>mfw this woman had relevant education and work experience
>would probably have hired her under normal circumstances
>mfw I have no face

>had work experience

with a dog?

Competence is such a rare thing. Show up, work hard, and always be curious of what's going on and you'll be on your way. Come prepared with questions to ask your interviewer about the state and direction of the company, long-term goals, that sort of stuff. It shows that you plan on sticking around, not just jumping ship to the next best opportunity, and you can look at the big picture. Finding and training new people is such an expensive thing for a company in both time and money.

You potentially could have hit disability quotas and had an office pet that also acts as a spokesperson. Consider the following:
>we're going to need Snuffles to fire Sandra from accounts
>Rooby rooby roo, randra you're rired. Rear out your resk.

Idk if she only just got the dog, or they had her resign, or she knew people, etc. It was a real trip.

Kek, I didn't think of that last one. I'll remember it for next time.

She wanted to fuck you

>My psychic told me i was a pilot 3000 years ago
>3000 years ago
>Pilot

>sending the autistic dog woman to fire people

Thanks man. What would your top 5 pieces of advice be for someone who is NOT clinically retarded enough to show up 30 minutes late in a hoodie or talk about their reincarnation or bring their pet to work?
Thanks in advance.

My aunt used to interview people.

She used to ask people where their employers thought they were now.

If they blurtes out they took the day off sick, she held it against them.

>mfw I have no face

Hello fellow oldfag. I hate that people don't realize you need to fucking post a picture with >mfw or >tfw

>fellow oldfag
Fucking newfag

You missed the best part

>3000 years ago.. check
>pilot... check
>IN AFRICA... mind blown

Like, Africans can't even airplane in year 200x10+8-3+12...

My goodness it's like shooting Fish in a barrel. You're all so angst filled and cranky already I don't even have to try.

What it all boils down to is that you need to show us how you can make us money. Degrees are just a proxy for measuring intelligence since it's illegal to give iq tests in the US. Imagine that you are a business and you are selling us your services.
There's no 5 steps to guarantee a job. Be generally intelligent, polite, well spoken, and knowledgeable about our business and the industry at large. Have questions for the interviewer, it shows that it matters to you. If you can show that we will make more money from you than it costs to employ you, you'll get the job.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

>200x10+8-3+12...
Can you run that by me again

>le current year

Let me put it this way
Because we are speaking qualitatively and not quantitatively, is there a way to seperate who can make you the "more" money? Say there are 100 people for the position and 50 are disqualified because they don't meet the criteria, and another 10 are disqualified because they failed your interview (like the examples you mentioned in your 3 posts). How do you pick one from the other 40? I'm assuming better degrees, more experience or secondary qualifications matter, bit those things being equal, who stands out in the interview?

Thank you for your time Mr. Smith, we'll be in touch

>tfw
>that feel when
You're showing your newfaggotry

>thinks anyone uses that stale meme anymore
>not a newfag

I haven't seen that posted for at least a year.

All things being equal, I'd probably higher the one with the most experience. But it's more of an art than I science. It's easy to filter people you don't want, for example I can all but guarantee I will not someone with an arts degree, but it's harder to filter for what you do want. Having a high level of education could mean that someone is highly qualified or it could mean they're not someone whose market facing. Experience is important but I'd rather have someone with fire in their eyes.

I've taken someone with a high school diploma over someone with an masters because it was clear that he ate, slept, and breathed the industry and the other wanted a paycheck.
I know that sounds like a bs non answer but you have to be such an incredible person that I'd want you even if that meant extensive training. Being coachable is highly underrated. I'd rather employ someone who is coachable and eager to learn of average intelligence than a genius that is uncoachable and lazy.

Degrees, experience, etc are things that imply competence but they are not sufficient in themselves. Competence is what makes money.

I guess the point is, is that there is no one thing that will get you a job, but there are many things that will not get you a job. Be passionate about what you're doing and it will show through.
This may just be me personally, but if someone bores me during the interview, or I feel they are telling me what I want to hear, I kind of check out.

>All things being equal, I'd probably higher the one with the most experience
>higher

stop larping you dumb cunt neet poster

What position were you doing interviews for that it was likely to have applicants with a master's in arts or a HS diploma?
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly was your job? HR?
Thanks again for taking all the time man, very much appreciated

Very interesting posts, thanks user.
Have more interview stories? It's amazing to read how retarded people can be when applying for a job.

>at the interview
>"any questions?"
>"Yeah, is it a fairly consistent move up the ladder" here? like will i ever be put into a leadership or management position?"
>"One Day You May"

>will i ever be put into a leadership or management position?"
>"One Day You May"

So did you slam that reincarnated pussy or what?

Is that really a standard you want to have? Anyone who makes a spelling error is a neet?
Yeah, hr in a brokerage firm. You'd be surprised the variety of people who apply. Unless a job expressly requires certain skills, like IT, anyone can apply, it's not like it's illegal to apply for a job you're not qualified for.
Maybe another time, I have some stuff I have to do.

to weed out people who would go against the common order. it reassures that people have to take one more commitment or measure before the hiring process or during it. it shows some common sense and ability to follow directions. employers can pick and choose easier than if all they have is a resume and maybe a cover letter. after working several entry level gigs i get it. a lot of employees really don't have common sense, which in-turn ends up being disrespectful to the ones around them as well as their employer. a lot of people also don't do a lot of the most simple shit correctly. people fuck up a lot and companies and hr knows that. i think the main reason is because people are distracted by social shit. also a lot of employees get too emotionally invested, and make their moves within the workplace based around this. a lot of how people are is also based on their general health and fatigue. i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that we still have primal instincts that normal people tend to not think about. if we feel someone has slighted us in some sort of way, verbal or not, we tend to want to react to that. but these reactions more often than not are just filled with emotional investment. and a lot of things aren't solved, so patterns of bullshit emerge within a given shift. and a lot of this emotional investment is based on general fatigue/tiredness. so this physical part of being an employee for a company also factors in on how the employee works. but we don't have questionnaires about physical ability, other than like "are you able to lift 30lb boxes from time to time on the job?" even so, the answers we choose on questionnaires can help determine a lot more about a potential employee's physical as well as mental attitude about shit.

a lot of people believe in astrological signs.

next time you have a small talk with someone and they ask you what your sign is, you can spew out any fuckin sign, and they'll say something along the lines of "yeah i had a feeling you were"

kek

so many people like this. not specifically with the dog and shit but on paper they exceed the expectations, then when you talk to them they're batshit crazy. those are also the types of co-workers (usually women) who will sort of present or promote their personal life and opinions strongly to begin with right when they get hired, and nobody ends up liking them. they also end up not paying attention as much to the work itself, so they don't match the flow, and their improvement caps quickly. they repeat ways that they fuck up, like a glitch in the matrix when neo sees the black cat twice. i'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

>tfw needing a face
kys

If you were ever an employee of mine I'd take so much fucking advantage of you.
This. In the realm of what you can actually legally do, there's always some sap willing to work harder, longer hours than you at shitty jobs. So bosses can and will try to take advantage of you. I was once let go from a concrete cutting company years ago because I refused to work 60 hour work weeks despite getting overtime, and demanded 40 hour weeks. Fuck em.

Protonshakes instead of water
Only lean meals in the lunchroom
Free gym membership
Must set a pr monthly in order to keep job
Working overtime is a superset

this
also 5% of your pay in preworkout and other supplements

consistent hours (8 hours a day, every damn day)

confusing job duties ("gotta confuse the workers to make money, amirite babe?)

>Mfw reading this
>Mfw no face

Overtime that you didn't request is for cucks, period. Your boss makes you work one weekend at normal pay and you are his bitch for life.

Yep, I'm glad I learned this the hard way. I try and tell my friends that if you let your boss take advantage of you, then they will. I mean, who wouldn't give some naive young kid a bunch of shifts and make them work overtime, instead of finding a new employee or remaking the shift schedule? They're not your friend, but your employer and you have to keep that in mind.

>I was once let go from a concrete cutting company years ago because I refused to work 60 hour work weeks despite getting overtime, and demanded 40 hour weeks
Naive engineering soon-to-be MSc here, is that legal?