Plate dispenser ate my quarters again

>gym topologists homotopically deformed all plates into kettle bells again

>Gym indian managed to use the toilet today
I dont have to waffle stomp to use the shower today lads, today is gonna be a good day

>gym gains goblin scuttled out from his hole in the wall and claimed an unsuspecting newbie lifter today
That's the third one this year. It's a damn shame.

idk why im laughing so hard at this

why not just buy your own weights you lazy fat faggot

>gym got 2 new squat racks
>there are now 8 squat racks total
>number 8 forms a complementary qlippothic pair with my life-number
>go to complain to the receptionist
>she tells me to bring my athame next time to nullify the numerological interference
>can't bc I'm too poor to afford a runic athame

who else knows this feel?

>gym moved all its barbells from dreamspace into realspace
>can no longer squat while sleeping

And get hit with all the capital gains taxes?

...

Sorry, I just started learning about the tree of life so I'm not yet knowledgeable enough to shitpost with you yet.
I'm cool with 8 of pentacles and wands, not so much swords and cups.

Plate dispensers only accept payment in micro plates.

You have to mill some replica coins out of lead, with holes in the middle.

Honestly, if more people would read the fucking instructions we wouldn't have this sort of post every fucking day.

>gym notary wouldn't interrupt his set to witness the signature on my squat rack application form
>no squats for me until I get the forms signed

harsh but fair, I guess.

>Arrive at gym
>go to apply chalk onto my hands
>all the chalk is gone
>turns out a pack of feral teachers from the local school broke in and stole the all the chalk so they can compress it into sticks for their whiteboards
>have to use gross second hand recycled chalk from the bins
>rich gym bros who bring their own chalk laughing at me

Third time this year it's happened lads.

>doing squats
>gym clown plays his slide whistle in time with my squatting
>all the cardio bunnies and yoga sluts laughing at me
>still forced to tip gym clown or be ostrasized for being a bad sport

Fucking gym clown

>go to gym
>idiot teenagers taking up all the weighted dab machines

ugh

That's going to be one swole pupper.

>that guy who lost his natty card by using whey

> Manny the Manlet vibrates through the manlet pit walls and escapes

are you one of the homotopy theorist anime shitposters from the mg threads on Veeky Forums

>a few days ago
>go to gym, have something to do later so only have a couple hours to lift in
>Gym King decides to hold court just as I arrive
>all must attend the king, court goes for hours
>have to leave before court is finished and get spotted by the Squat Duke
>today
>get a carrier pigeon saying I'm banned from the squat racks for a month and I have to spend some time in the pillory while the gym clown thrown whey pies at me

Still better than planet fitness I guess.

>couldn't hit last rep in pr today
>gym jester wouldn't stop throwing spaghetti at me

h-hold me

>be me
>be at the club
>ask for the heaviest cocktail they have
>"mmh, this is quite light, can you add a scoop of whey?"
>"pardon? you want whiskey?"
>"no, I said whey, a scoop of whey, protein man"
>"oh...we don't have it sorry, you look already very muscular you don't need protein ahah"
>pull out a pre-weighted tiny plastic bag with whey
>proceed to line it up on the counter
>grab a straw
>proceed to snort the whole thing
>get freaky and jump behind the counter
>CQC the bartender
>9/10 bomb girl approaches
>"hey...can I have a long island?"
>"sure, hey is that your boyfriend?"
>sneak a scoop of whey in her purse while she looks away
>"what? no...ahah, I'm with my friends"
>CQC 9/10 bomb girl and put her to sleep next to the bartender
>no one notices
>walk out the club alone and walk my way home

another night spent as a nobody

>last scoop of whey
>out of shakers and spoons
>mcgyver give me your strenght
>enlightment comes up
>use index finger
>mixes suprisingly well
>remember I used that finger for anal purposes 5 minutes earlier
>bear grylls give me your strenght
>enlightment comes
>if a dog eats its shit, I can drink this too

tasted ok

>just finish doing leg day
>walking shakily out of gym
>suddenly
>gym rapist pulls me into stairwell and has his way with me
>says weird shit the whole time also
"do you like my barbell"
>and
"take my protein shake you bitch"
>didn't even say no homo first

Fucking gym manager won't do anything about it either since the gym rapist pays him not to install cameras in that area.

...

>whiteboard

sure is summer in here besides these two

>bunch of fat autistic Gym Weeaboos come in
>they're running on the treadmills, one of them sets the big TV to play anime
>cardio bunnies are getting super salty about it but the gyms staff couldn't intervene because the weebs were paying big $$$ for PT sessions
>cardio bunnies eventually move over to the strength area and start some basic lifts

A surprise victory...?

just do it with dumbells lying on a bench or use a cable machine

Damn it.

you know what I mean though

>the gym rat ate my lunch today from the locker

I had to leave after a mere 4 hours because of this.

I can't, the gym staff banned dabbing outside of the machines after some manlet tore his bicep trying to dab with more weight than he could handle.

They actually enforce this one too (I think it's because they had to pay out for medical because insurance wouldn't cover it), my gym buddy got a 48 hour temporay ban for cable dabbing so no one does it anymore.

It's cool just eat the doggo.

>there aren't enough cardiobunnies at the gym today so the treadmill-powered lights aren't on
>have to lift in the dark
Fuck me

>gym manager accidentally pressed the "vent paralytic gas" button they use to control roid ragers
>almost everyone in the gym falls over unable to move, some getting serious injuries if they were mid-lift

Luckily I couldn't afford one of those "high altitude training masks" so I was having to make do with an old russian milsurp chemical warfare gas mask.

I used to get teased a lot for it but who's laughing now, chads and stacies? Ha!

>only have a gold membership
>keep getting kicked out of the squat rack every day by a platinum member
>staff tells me to stop using it all together or i'll be thrown out unless i upgrade my membership plan

>when the gym mule eats all the free oats

similar thing happened to me

>finally upgrade to platinum membership at my gym
>feels good
>one day go into the premium gym lounge for the first time
>grab a bottle of protein chanpagne from the complimentary fridge
>drink it over the course of an hour or so while lifting
>go to leave the gym
>receptionist calls me over and asks me if I want the bottle charged to the same account I use to pay for membership or pay via a different method
>turns out that drinks (except water) are only complimentary for diamond level or higher members
>end up owing the gym $2500
>get membership downgraded to the lowest tier and have to work as an indentured slave in the gym workshop processing chunks of chalk rock into powder to pay my debt
>by the time I'm freed of my obligation all of my gains have reverted to nothing, I've been fired from my outside world job for non-attendance, and my landlord assumed I was dead and evicted me

Feels bad man.

>doing bench press
>gym alpaca keeps spitting on me
>slip, drop weights, break my thumb
>can't lift for a long while after

Wooly piece of SHIT

This actually happened, 100% no meme

>be in gym one day
>doing bench rows
>get a tap on the shoulder
>say "hang on a second while I finish this set"
>guy's voice is like "excuse me sir this will just take a minute"
>put down barbell
>turns out it's a fucking charity (world vision I think? one of the africa ones anyway) going around the gym bothering people mid-workout to ask them to pledge for monthly donations
>get pissed because 1) it's innapropriate place to be canvassing and 2) interrupting me messed up my set
>don't even respond just get back to lifting
>guy asks if I want to hear about their work
>"no please leave me alone"
>guy gets huffy and leaves
>hear similar stuff going on with other gym patrons
>hear some guy complaining to gym staff about it but apparently the owner OK'd them because "it's for a good cause"
>I think they were asked to leave after a while though because more people complained
>never saw them in the gym again

I don't mind donating change when I see them on the street but that monthly pledge through direct withdrawal or credit card charge pisses me off.

>gym pigeon out on deliveries
>i need to hold on to this note of unsolicited advice until it gets back

>Gym Admiral walks into gym while I'm mid-squat
>everyone stands at attention except me
>Admiral walks over and hears my music coming from my earbuds
>accuses me of piracy
>get thrown into the gym prison

>gym gets hired out for a porno shoot
>3rd time this year
>closed for like two weeks, no lifting
>they don't even clean up afterwards, sweat and jizz all over the equiptment
>some fucking joker put dildos all over the dumbbell racks, in order of girth
>Pajeets and Manlets freaking out because the place smells like women
>Gym Clown traumatised from the creampie scene, might have to have him put down
>all the wrist straps and belts replaced with bondage gear, manager won't replace it

>mfw

>stealing /tv/ memes
faggots

>gym physicists packed infinitely many plates onto the barbell which made the bar float slowly upwards into the ceiling
>gym receptionist can't get it down

Hownew.ru

Fuck I hate when this happens.

>receptionist can't lift 1/12th of a barbell
never gonna make it

Who the fuck did those chuckle fucks think would give them money when they're actively pissing them off?

I swear everyone who works for charity is retarded.

that's a fucking /tv/ meme you bitch

Fuck, I mean -1/12th

t. brainlet

SHUT UP MOM ITS NOT STEROIDS JUST HAPPY POWDER

How it do that

I dunno, I heard the guy was a staff members cousin and invited the guy in without telling the owner, or lying to the owner. But that could just be bullshit. I doubt I'll ever get the true story.

>gym at MIT
>an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a gym
>first one loads 1pl8
>second one loads 1/2pl8
>third one loads 1/4 pl8
>gym droids throw these nerds out

>be lanklet
>so tall that my feet hang out the bed
>the grim reaper cut off my feet for not being 100% inside the bed
>tfw turned into a manlet
>already know I'll be sent inside the manlet pit the next time I enter the gym

scp-wiki.net/scp-072

sleep tight, anons

>wants to show my 2 plates OHP to a qt
>Put half the weight on the bar
>Then have to put a quarter of the weight on the bar
>Then have to put an eight of the weight on the bar
>This goes on for several minute
>qt gets fed up and leave
for fuck's sake

FUCK YOU
I finally had the balls to sleep without completely covering myself in my blanket for the first time in my life and the next day you have to post this shit

it's ok man i was trying to think of more creepy shit to post when my headphones kicked on on their own and i almost literally shit myself

>crossfit occultists cursed the bench again
>gymskeeper hadn't put up a warning sign yet so I accidentally lost all my gains
>gym bishop is on pilgrimage until next year so I'm stuck lifting baby weights until then
>even the altar boys are laughing at my pathetic lifts

You can at least try to be funny instead of edgy

>rodents attacked the gym garden again
>the creatine plants are completely ruined

FUUUUUUCK BREEEEEHS

>crossfit occultist
>gym bishop

...

hate it when that happens to me

>gonna work on my typing at the tech gym
>most of the finger weights are covered in cheeto dust
>the comfy hydrolic chair leg press machines have been outsourced to pajeets

How's a man supposed to code in this environment?

>Gym gets invaded by Gym Witch
>doesn't really do anything bad like the other gym witch incident, just hogs some of the equiptment but is generally a nice person
>actually kind of hot, greenish skin and THICC ass
>mfw mirin those glutes
>anyway
>since the toilet entrances are along one wall next to the treadmill section all the Pajeets have left and not been seen around since
>Gym manager actually gave her a free membership for that since they were driving away the yoga crowd with their creepy antics

Seems like a pretty good situation, I hope she stays around.

Ah, you're from SickKunt Valley, huh?

Just wait until gym management realises the horrible quality of the outsources gains and hire on as a consultant to fix it.

As for the cheeto dust, I just wipe down all the equipment with wet-wipes before I use it, cleans it up really well.

>Gym manager hires Gym Sculptor to make statues of people, like an old timey painter
>be going for PR
>hit peak
>all of a sudden ordered to hold where I am
>have to remain motionless for 14 days in the middle of the lift while he carves a figure out of a huge block of marble
>I can't see it because of how I'm holding the lift
>finally done, I collapse
>arms paralysed, joints destroyed
>go to hospital
>doctor tells me I'll never lift again
>come back once last time a few weeks later to say goodbye
>look at statue
>sculptor rendered me as a manlet
>entire gym laughing at me
>whey powder spilling out of my hospital gown

>gym pirates abordaged the lat pulldown machine again
>all ruber torn by hooks now

>Power cage possessed by snap city spirits
>gym shaman disappeared on a vision quest a week ago
>gym priest indicted on CP charges
>gym necromancer swamped with the summer skeleton crew

GODDAMNIT WHERE IS THE GHOST PUNCHER WHEN YOU NEED HIM

> Be you
> No eternal cleansing shrine of holy fire at gym
> Goodnight sweet gains

>another breakout from the manlet pit

>several lifters squatting at the rack
>Protein Fart Blowout Alarm goes off
>was too slow to hide at the locker room
>became a zombie

>go to gym
>closed down store where gym used to be
>wtf.avi
>figure gym must have relocated without notice for some reason
>look at company logo on gym pass to google the new location
>"Shady Ali's mysteryously overnight vanishing gym and Cursed Artefact shop"
>new location is in some shithole desert town in egypt
>have to commute 8 hours each way by plane to get to the gym
>bound by magical contract, fucking magical cancellation fee is like $200

Can anyone give me advice on how to not be swindled by gym djinni again?

>free curry day at gym

>go to gym
>it's 5:30pm
>at entryway get challenged by the gym sphynx
>notthisshitagain.avi
>gym sphynx isn't allowed to hurt you but if you can't answer the riddle it refuses to deal with you again for half an hour
>I'm no good at riddle so keep getting refused entry
>have to sit around car park with increasingly smug sphynx staring at me while I wait
>eventually it gets bored and gives me an easy riddle
>go inside
>it's 9:00pm now
>as I walk in receptionist calls me over
"Sir where is your membership card"
>fucking forgot it at home
>have to leave and drive home, get it, come back
>fucking sphynx gives me the hard riddles again
>same thing repeats except this time I forgot my towel (and couldn't afford to hire one since I had spend all my money on vending machine food waiting for the sphynx)
>etc

Won't go on but it ended up taking me four days to get into the gym

>still had to wait 30 minutes for the squat rack to be free after that

>gym sphynx isn't allowed to hurt you but if you can't answer the riddle it refuses to deal with you again for half an hour

>Plate dispenser
What is this meme?

It means you're new.
Welcome to Veeky Forums

>tfw crossfit snorks invade again and set off the roid control anomaly, causing the gym to implode

>Gym receptionist found my creatine stash during a random cavity search
How do I ask her out after this???

>tell her you're just holding it in for your friend since he's usually the only one to reach in there
>only if the gym nanobots haven't given your gains a molecular once over for traces

>summer skeleton crew