ITT: Funny historical quotes/insults

>The French complain of everything, and always.
- Napoleon

Other urls found in this thread:

anecdotesfromantiquity.com/the-sacred-chickens-of-rome/
youtube.com/watch?v=qRBmwljrHWw#t=46s
twitter.com/AnonBabble

"Now there's a real American!" Nikita Khrushchev says as he pats Iowan Jack Christensen's belly.

>All I know is that I am not a Marxist
- Karl Marx.

I speak in Latin to God, Italian to Women, French to Men, and German to my Horse.
-Charles V

germans btfo

When having dinner with Charles the Bald, an Irish monk was asked "Quid distat inter sottum et Scottum?" (What separates an Irishman from a drunk?), to which he replied "Only a table".

No wonder nobody but the Pope speaks Latin these days.

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> Latin to God

Pretty sure it's Spanish

Gulag

"no man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar"
-lincoln

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During the First Punic War, Publius Claudius Pulcher turned to the sacred chickens for approval of his plan to launch a surprise attack on the Carthaginian fleet at the harbour of Drepana. When the chicken watcher notified Pulcher that they were not eating, which constituted a bad omen, he replied, ‘Since they do not want to eat, let them drink!’ and had them hurled into the sea [1]. The naval battle which ensued saw the near annihilation of the Roman fleet.

anecdotesfromantiquity.com/the-sacred-chickens-of-rome/

as a frenchman who lives in Paris, this is absolutely true

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Woman Churchill doesn't like: if you were my husband, I would poison your morning coffee
Churchill: If you were my wife I would gladly drink that coffee!

Good thread bump

>Woman Churchill doesn't like

Lady Astor, wasn't it?

This whole thread could be just Churchill quotes...

I've seen this quote on Rome Total War

Yeah, Lady Astor. While I was on a trip in England a took a bike tour. We stopped near the Churchill War rooms and other historical sites. The tour guide told us the story, and I've remembered it ever since

youtube.com/watch?v=qRBmwljrHWw#t=46s

im pretty sure he meant to imply german would make a horse obey

didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions--the curtain was up

--George S. Kaufman

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

--Dorothy Parker

Reporter: What do you think of western civilization?

Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

lmao this is great

His depleted brain power means he's a tankie, leave him alone.

>the chicken watcher
Augur.

during warfare in tropical areas and areas with a lot of rain it was thought British troops required 12 inch long rubber sheaths for their rifles. The MoD went to a Condom company in order to make the sheaths. After the first batch was made, Field-marshal Alan Brooke gave a box of the sheaths to Churchill for inspection.
"No, no this won't do at all" remarked Churchill
"What's the issue sir?"
"One condom. Made in England. British size medium,"

>When a British captive officer challenged Surcouf with the words "You French fight for money while we fight for honour", Surcouf replied "Each of us fights for what he lacks most".[61][62]

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kek btfo

Then the Spartans got the SHIT BEAT OUT OF THEM.

Macedonian soldiers fucked their asses.

They were their free-use slaves.

That's really insulting to horse man

Do you even know history? Philip just let them chill and the Spartans ate popcorn while the Macedonians stomped the shit out of Athens and Thebes.

LONDON
O
N
D
O
N

No they payed tribute to the Macedonians.


And then the Spartans revolted while Alexander was away and one of his B-list generals destroyed their army with a bunch of Macedonian reserves.

The letters exchanged between Louis XVIII in exile and Napoleon are a bit funny to me. Louis XVIII thought he could convince Napoleon to restore the monarchy because ??? Louis XVIII, man.

Louis XVIII to Napoleon:

>General,

>You must have long known that you have earned my esteem. If you ever doubted that I was able of gratitude, chose your own place, decide the fate of your friends. As for my principles, I am a Frenchman: merciful by nature, I shall be all the more so by reason.

>No, the victor of Lodi, Castiglione, Arcole, le conqueror of Italy and Egypt cannot prefer a vain fame to glory. However you are wasting precious time; we can ensure the peace of France. I say “we” because I need Bonaparte for that, and that he cannot do it without me.

>General, Europe is watching you, glory awaits you, and I am impatient to restore peace to my people.

Napoleon's reply

>Sir,

>I received your letter. I thank you for the kind things you write about me. You must not wish for your return to France. You would have to step upon 500,000 corpses.

>Sacrifice your interest to the peace and happiness of France; history will remember it to your credit.

>I am not indifferent to your family’s misfortunes. I will be happy to contribute to the comfort and tranquility of your retreat.

>Bonaparte

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A fucking good guy

Napoleon also called the duchesse d'Angouleme, the daughter of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, the "only man in her family" because when he re-invaded France after the first Bourbon Restoration she alone refused to flee; she tried to rally troops around her, but even her loyal troops urged her to leave due to the size of Napoleon's army.

Not really funny since he was paying her a sincere compliment, but...

The French complain about everything, but first and foremost they complain about the French.

I would beat the shit out of Nappy if she asked me

t. poo-covered serial sodomite

if I could I would have gotten her into some therapy for what was almost certainly PTSD so she didn't become hated by the French public for her cold and sometimes strange behavior

Her life was one shitfest after another. I just wish she could have had more happy times.

Childhood is thinking Napoleon was right.
Adulthood is realizing that Louis XVIII was right.

This but the opposite

Louis XVIII is so bad Marie-Thérèse would have been a better king of France.

kek, got me

What? If Louis XVIII didn't die, the July Revolution probably wouldn't have happened. Charles X was too absolutist and Marie Therese, bless her, was as well. Perhaps the duc d'Angouleme would have been a better option than Charles X, since his politics aligned more closely with Louis XVIII.

Actually it was in empire total war

this never happened

Chicken watcher is the layman's term.

Lmao

>After the sack of Antioch in 540AD, Khosrau built a new city near Ctesiphon for the inhabitants he captured. He called this new city Weh Antiok Khusrau or literally, "better than Antioch, Khosrow built this."[56]

Was Khosrow a manchild?

That's a wicked burn.

pic related made me laugh more than i should

>Latin
you mean spanish

what a fucking mad lad.

>All I want is some qt brown loli pussy like in my animes, I would literally sail to the edge of the world the get away from these 3dpd Stacy rosties, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>When once asked aggressively what he would do if a British army landed on the North Sea coast, Bismarck replied: ‘Why... I should send a policeman to arrest it.’

It lacks subtlety but this has got to be one of the sickest burns in history

>hell no, you fucking jew
>besides, you're like a jew
>anyway, jews, like you, have no dick or balls
>in summary, jew, fuck off
fucking mad

Burger meme was always real

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Medieval 2 as well

the actual quote is even funnier
"If the British Army landed in Europe, I'd get the Belgian police to arrest them." - Bismarck

Holy shit, Anglos btfo.

nice

"Prussia is not a country with an army, it's an army with a country"

Mirabeau

Hardly he saw a chance to be "the good guy" while also completely humiliating Justinian

"Nigga Are You going hiking?"
Leon trotsky

Napier opposed suttee, or sati. This was the custom of burning a widow alive on the funeral pyre of her husband. Sati was rare in Sindh during the time Napier stayed in this region.[15] Napier judged that the immolation was motivated by profits for the priests, and when told of an actual Sati about to take place, he informed those involved that he would stop the sacrifice. The priests complained to him that this was a customary religious rite, and that customs of a nation should be respected. As recounted by his brother William, he replied:

"Be it so. This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation has also a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. My carpenters shall therefore erect gibbets on which to hang all concerned when the widow is consumed. Let us all act according to national customs"

savage

It's like wilhelm II's letters to hitler

Badass.

This made me smile

This is too much

>Something wonderful has happened, Peter... I'm pregnant.

In the year Julius and Caesar

Yes, India is and was doing much better than us :^)

I believe this was said by De Gaulle, of his own country
"How can one be expected to govern a nation that produces 400 varieties of cheese?"

A Christian merchant was trying to persuade his Jewish friend to accept Catholicism. The Jew was somewhat intrigued by the idea and decided to go talk to some clerics on his next trip to Rome. The Catholic merchant immediately began to worry that seeing the endemic corruption and debauchery in Rome would turn him off converting totally. When the Jew returns from his visit he announces that he wants to be baptized as soon as possible. When asked why by his Catholic friend, the Jew says that after seeing that the Catholic Church was run by such disreputable men and still managed to become a massive world-spanning sect, while Judaism has dwindled to a tiny remnant, he concluded that God really was on the side of Christianity.

>The best way to quiet a country is a good thrashing, followed by great kindness afterwards. Even the wildest chaps are thus tamed

>the human mind is never better disposed to gratitude and attachment than when softened by fear

>so perverse is mankind that every nationality prefers to be misgoverned by its own people than to be well ruled by another

>Manchester is the chimney of the world. Rich rascals, poor rogues, drunken ragamuffins and prostitutes form the moral; soot made into paste by rain the physique, and the only view long chimney: what a place! The entrance to hell realised!

some of his other quotes

I’d have loved to have a pint with this guy at the pub.

>Catholicucks are christian
Really jogs my nogs

likewise, partly because he seems like a hard victorian bastard and partly because he looks like a 19th century, british version of jim's dad off of american pie