Veeky Forums SHIT

Dude first and foremost our toilets are not fucking made to be sat upon like that, just google some images for gore porn of what happens when the cheap shit materials our toilets are made of break. You wanna squat shit do it in a fuking slav toilet, second I don't know what kind of smoothy diet you are on but I get cold sweats when ever I have to take a shit because the kraken doesn't want to leave its cave

I have been taking too much kratom for the last 4 weeks.
Yesterday I literally stuck a vegetable oil coated biro up my ass to try and break apart the turd that is blocking my ass up, it was too big and hard to pass.

I finally manage to push it out, but it definitely caused some damage as there was fresh blood in the bowl.

I do, but shiting will cause me to shoot some extra pee that I couldn't have gotten out while just peeing.

When I have to shit, I sit down, and pee comes out first.

very very dangerous.

you can slip and crack the porcelain, then fall across the jagged razor edge with the arteries in your thighs.

people DIE doing this, I am NOT meme-ing you.

just get this shit guys, so easy. this is a breakthrough in shitting technology.

>When I have to shit, I sit down, and pee comes out first.
>not holding it in until you are finished shitting. You are a weak girl.

>babbys first opiate addiction
;)

that gorilla is missing conors tattoo

the fucking Indians were right again

>he doesn't have a Poo Poo Stool™ to allow him to poo how our bodies intended

Don't do what's picture on OP. A brazilian woman did, the WC broke and cut off most of their leg

i just have a box in front of my toilet because i was afraid the toilet would break and i would die with a thousand cuts in the middle of shit and piss

Use one hand to aim your peepee downward.

Maybe if you weigh like 300+ lbs.

>that curved back and anterior pelvic tilt

Never gonna shit it

Wtf how?

> work on industrial site
> never really want to make ass contact wIth port-o-potty
> I squat to poo in the loo
> regular Friday and I must shit
> go to Port-o-potty
> assume position and begin
> .. Had some leftover oil on boot
> right leg slips forward and my body twists
> end up sitting side-sadle beside seat
> right leg planted on floor
> left leg planted in shitter
> ... It's the end of the week remember
> port-o-potty's get emptied on the Sat
> I'm shin deep in construction worker efluence
> not to mention my Cliffbar of a shit was half out of dock when I fell
> so now I also have shit spackled up my ass
> I don't even wipe anything
> just hop on my clean leg to the fire station (thanks speedrope)
> start hosing my leg, ass, and pants
> supervisor walks over from site office and asks wtf happened
> fucker mentions it at next Mon toolbox meeting
> "be sure to use the port-o-potty's in the prescribed manner.. Nothing fancy like user."
> I don't shit on work sites anymore.

Sure this way works better.. But be careful fitizens.

Shitting seated is fine. Here is a tip for you: remember to always piss first to warm up the water, so that the incoming splashes on your asshole and balls are warm, to avoid tightening up and spliting your log. You'll feel like shitting small dolphins that slide out your ass into the water.

it's one slip on a non-existent platform for your feet and a one-way ticket to "cut femoral vein" city
western toilets are not made for these. maybe some FREEDOM toilets are tank proof in an effort to make america (literally) great again

Even better tip - place a single sheet of toilet paper in the water before shitting to prevent all splashback.

>incoming splashes
>splashback
that's an american problem.
t. german poop shelf master

Veeky Forums I fixed up my diet around two weeks ago, counting calories, things going great but holy shit do I have the worst shits/squirts right now, like an explosive shit faucet out my asshole, it was one solid shit then five or six torrents of spray what the fuck

Is my body just cleaning out old gunk from the shit I used to eat

German bowls are gross

>> "be sure to use the port-o-potty's in the prescribed manner.. Nothing fancy like user."
10/10 if real

wait i dont understand. Isn't the toilet supporting most of your weight? I have never seen a person sit down on anything and put force onto their legs.

I always thought the American style looked like it was designed by morons. Why is there so much fucking water all the way up in the bowl?
The average EU toilet is similar to the American one in shape but the water level is far lower and generally doesn't splash. You can also easily aim your brown babies right for the center.
The standard German looks fucking ridiculous.

I lost my squat plug this way.

This why I like shitting in the field so much
After a whole week of combat rations it's the only way they can physically come out the other end

>shitting in the porcelain jew
>not shitting on a Scandinavian Princess.

Never gonna make it

> not calling it the “stool stool ™“

If you radically changed your diet your body will have to take some time to get used to it. Grow new gut bacteria or some shit.

What is center of mass for 300?

This is fucking retarded.
> simply sitting normally on the toilet and leaning forward so your shoulders touch your knees produces the same results.
Does it not?

status report from the field: doesn't work

Anyone here have arguments with their girlfriend and have a period of silence before taking again?
It's stressing me out. I just want to make things better again.

Your gut biome isn't adapted to digest your new diet. There's like ten pounds of bacteria in you and the type of bacteria that has thrived thus far is good at digesting corn syrup and white flower. Now that type of bacteria is not well adapted to your improved diet,so those strains of bacteria will begin to reproduce slower while the strains better equipped to digest fiber and chicken will reproduce faster until all ten pounds of bacteria adapt to become efficient in the marketplace of your gi tract. Probably. I'm not a doctor.

I don't understand. I shit this way after hernia surgery and I was backed up for 2 weeks thanks to codeine. The shit was thicker then my wrist and a foot long. I had no problems once it got going.
> I had to break it up in the bowl before I flushed

a toilet seat is and oval and half sphere, it can support about 400 pounds before you worry about structural integrity. Now the seat covers on the other hand are tricky.
unless your playing cross fit shit jumps on your toilet seat or are some fat as fatass theres nothing to worry about

Thank you for the kek, kind sir

squatty potty changed my life

Thanks for response, sounds legit, anxiety gone

This is dangerous because toilets aren't meant for this. If you want to shit like this, do it in the shower, and bask in the hearty vegan aroma of your composted biomatter.

>shit in the shower
German refugee? No, please remember that in Western countries you don't shit in the shower. Thank you for understanding, happy colonizing

>not just bending over and touching your chest to your thighs while you still sit on the seat like a normal person

I have always done it that way naturally and I've never had a shit that took more than a few seconds to come out.

Welcome aboard lad, many good shits to you

yep, just truly and honestly ask yourself: is it you?

americans have tons of things to waste
europe hs always had a higher emphasis on scarcity

>t. Pajeet

thats why non-civilized eastern countries utilize oriental style squat toilets, including mine - roachstan

most households contain 2 bathrooms, one containing one of those squat toilets and one containing western toilets

i'm more comfortable with squatting tbqh, in&out 10 minutes. with western-type toilets, my personal record is 45 minutes. yes, 45 minutes of shitting, my legs were totally fucked.

Just get a Squatty Potty

>Squatty Potty
>not the clearly superior Poo Poo Stool™

>just shit on the floor
Youve been shitting wrong all along

>First they force us to poo in loo and now this?

nobody cares about your shit country's way of shitting Ataturk, this is a thread for the civilized part of the world

t. k*rd

>he doesnt shit with a belt on

>using a belt
Doesn't count

and then the pee will splash into your asshole you fag

Why does being called a girl give me butterflies? I don't even like traps

You can get a lot of this if you just lean forward into your legs while they're on the floor. No need to put the feet up on the bowl.

Stop taking Kratom. Shit inflames your liver too. I was taking it for 2 months until I had the most intense pain I've ever had on my liver. Shit is labeled as not for human consumption so you can't do anything when your batch is contaminated and gets you sick.

It also makes it impossible to shit.

i will never understand how some people end up bad at shitting.

like, shitting is such an enjoyable experience to me, and i don't have to go to these lengths to achieve it. i've thought about getting a squatty potty, but it would probably be redundant.

tfw blessed with good shits.

I had pretty good shits growing up. Nice solid ones that I would only need to wipe a few times and I'd be clean

Now no matter what I eat, those kinds of shits have become a rarity. Now the majority of mine are softer ones that require me to pat and dab for 5 minutes to get the residue off them wipe a number of times, and usually have to use soap and water to get it clean

Shitting has gone from enjoyable to literally dreading it every time now. No matter what I do, more fiber, less fiber, more water, less water, more this, more that, NEVER CHANGES

i'm convinced that only manlets are affected by these shitting body mechanic issues

maybe see a doctor. there are a number of gastro/enteric issues that could be contributing to this. seriously, some simple medication could change your life.

exactly. So why are those people saying putting your legs up as well will destroy the toilet?

Gonna try this tomorrow when I take my morning shit at work. Thanks OP. I'll come back and post an update of how it went if this thread is still alive by then.

it might not be great on a residential toilet. they're positioned relatively precariously over a wax ring compared to the heavy duty commercial ones. i wouldn't trust my full mass swaying around on top of my toilet, but you do you.

i have to shit right now. i'm at work so if i brake the toilet i'll probably quit and never show my face in public again. see you in 20mins or less
pray 4 your boy

>end up with shards of broken toilet bowl lacerating the living FUCK out of your ass

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yea, i was too pussy to do it.
6'1 with size 12 work boots on. then having the toilet be kinda small...

It's not worth it anyway, squat shitting isn't worth self-castration from a broken toilet.

> Americans will never know the fun of building “dams“ and counting how much flushes you need for it to finally break and slide down from the plateau

This was an actual thing. Bragging about laying a Wurst that withstood five flushes

I have shat like that my entire life, started doing it when i was like 5

Are you telling me pajeet was right all along?

we are not advising to do it in the streets

*o* i'm waiting my next evacuation

please anyone post that asian with bleeding glutes and broken potty

...

>just squat on the toilet bro, it won't break!

I've been shitting like this for over a year now. My anus has never felt more serene. I'm not memeing or baiting.
Learn to aim, user.

The toilet seat is supporting half your weight + when you stand squatting on your toilets, your mass is concentrated on a very narrow surface (your feets).

Holy shit. I was checking out my toilet and I found out there are like two lids. So you open the first lid, and then you can flip up the second "lid" that you usually sit on so its easier to piss into. What the fuck. I looked it up and apparently this is super standard stuff, I just never knew about it. Is this what people mean when they talk about "leaving the seat up"?

I don't really have any need for it because I'm a god damn marksman thanks to years of pissing through the 2nd lid but did you guys know about this thing?

or just eat more fibre?

Are you retarted?

nobody told me there was another lid, how was I supposed to know?

My boyfriend used to ignore me and stuff when we'd have an argument or fight. I just like to talk things out and make it better after.

Maybe you aren't compatible that way.

>my dad shits like this
>did it his whole life
>tfw had to look the other way when walking past the toilet while he shits because he also leaves the door open
>would still grunt when hes snapping off a particularly tough sewer pickle
>rings me up to talk on the phone and can hear the echo of a small room
>the mental image of my hairy fat dad squat shitting on a toilet has been permanently burned into my mind from walking down the hall unaware as a kid
>gets a hernia at 40
>why do you shit like that dad?
>I don't like the water splashing up my ass

>Dat file name

Also:
>having a photo of someone else's shit saved in your computer

Fucking god, is this real?

The toilet broke and the broken pieces cut through her skin. Look it up