Sup Veeky Forums, Veeky Forums here. I'd like to get in shape...

Sup Veeky Forums, Veeky Forums here. I'd like to get in shape, but after studying your board and doing an autistic amount of research, I have some questions about nutrition.

At 6'8" 270lbs, the fuck am I supposed to eat?

To gain muscle mass I need:
>4,844 healthy calories
>270 grams of protein

To loose fat I need:
>3,230 calories
>405 grams of protein

3 scoops of the protein powder I'm using and a protein bar puts me at 105 grams (for reference, I'm using some chocolate Leanfit thing I got at costco with 25 grams of protein per scoop and a bar with 30 grams of protein) which isn't even close. If I have to, I will drink an insane amount of that nasty junk to get the job done, but my colon is struggling, so I'd love it if there were some alternative things for the fuck-huge.

Calorie wise I just don't have time to consistently cook all day, are there any healthy, but calorie dense options I can eat? Back in the day I played pretty high level basketball, and my current build is more "built-fat", but I literally lived off mountain dew and fast food, like the basement dwelling Magic player I am. Again, if I have to I'll continue carrying around giant ziplock bags of fruit/veggies, but I don't have time at work to constantly graze, and I'm hungry as shit nonstop every single day.

GOMAD

So, based on my research, that involves straight chugging milk.

I'm lactose intolerant my friend. I'd literally shit so hard and smell so bad I'd permanently fuck up the ozone layer.

Do it anyways faggot

i dunno then. go look at scooby's meal planner to get an idea of what you need to be eating

Gonna have to eat junk or drink junk, fuck healthy calories. Normally I wouldn't reccomend this shit but 4.8k kcals....Just do cardio to prevent plaque buildup in heart. Drinkable calories (coke) are your best bet if you're running low on calories, and have satisfied your protein goals

If you are 6'8 270 and a fat fuck you do NOT need that many cals and protons. When you have a lot of excess bodyfat your body can derive energy from your fat stores relatively easily so you don't need as many calories. Once you get lean at 270 then you can start eating that much. In the mean time I'd recommend you try to eat 1g/lb lean bodyweight of protein and and test out a 2500 calorie diet and adjust it up/down after a couple weeks depending on whether you're losing/gaining weight

>To gain muscle mass I need:
,844 healthy calories
grams of protein

NO YOU FUCKING RETARD. it's 100-120g tops.

A fatty like you shouldn't even think about eating more than 3000 calories let alone close to 5000

>I'm lactose intolerant
*snort* you mean you're just fucking weak my dude. No one is lactose intolerant, they just haven't had enough dairy to build a resistance.
Drink 1 gallon of milk a day and you'll be builtfat before you know it.

This is exactly the help I need. I'll give you folks some context.

I used to weigh over 300lbs when I graduated university. I lost a lot of weight through a series of physically demanding jobs (masonry in the canadian winter, security in crazy hickville full of rednecks on meth) and fucking around casually with weights.

2500-3000 calories sounds much more reasonable, I can actually plan that out.

Why? I honestly have no idea. I can tell you how to build an edh deck, but I know literally nothing about any of this stuff outside of cursory googles and the OP on your board.

Just eat 1 gram of protein per lbs of bodyweight, you will not need more even if cutting

>per lbs of bodyweight
No, wrong.
Per LEAN bodyweight, so for OP probably 140g-170g.

Yeah, you're right, my mistake

If you want to cut weight just east below your TDEE. THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING TO THE BEST WAY FOR ME TO HELP YOU WITH THE NEW YEAR WITH THE 20 ON MY FACE.

Domri rade is the most lit Planeswalker ever and if you disagree get the fuck off my board

His problem is that the tdee calculators told him he needs almost 5k to bulk and over 3k to cut, which is ridiculously inaccurate because it doesn't take into account his body composition or he grossly underestimated his bf%

I don't really want to cut weight.

Now, this is going to sound silly, but I really want to make my life better. I want to be in shape, I work hard with the weights and exercises I have, and I'm going to do it. I'm huge, I'm not some disgusting hambeast yet, why not get swole, or ripped, or whatever expression you lovely people use.

Absolutely he is, but I doubt he's as lit as Kamahl, Fist of Krosa. That guy is straight OG.

You don't need that many grams of protein. You only need 1g/kg of lean mass, so you would probably only need 100g. Now, that's all that you NEED, but feel free to go up to 150ish if you'd like.

Eat calorie dense stuff. Fill up on rice. Eat a few handfuls of nuts. Carbs are your friend.

>Carbs are your friend.
Do Americans really believe this?

You don't need 270g of protein because bodyfat doesn't factor in. I'll assume you are 20% bodyfat, so 0.8 × 270 = 216. Aim for about 215g of protein per day.

>a reasonable concise answer verifiable by the sticky
Perfect, thanks man. I love almonds and cashews and things anyways, I think it could work. Have this spoopy picture in return.

What's the easiest way to get that much protein? I assume shakes, but like I can't seem to figure it out based on this scoopy calorie calculator. Is it the flax oil, or the portion size of meat? Sorry if I'm still brand new at this stuff.

I'm a manlet so I only need about 120ish, idk how I'd get nearly double that. I'd suggest 2 protein shakes per day (300mL whole milk and 1 scoop of protein) and as many chicken breasts as you can handle.

Other god tier protein rich foods are:
>eggs and eggwhites from a carton
>almonds/cashews
>Greek yogurt
>Kirkland protein bars
>oats
>steak/turkey/tuna or any other meat really

I try to avoid soy and soy based proteins (I think it will turn you into a fag).

7 scoops

>Kirkland protein bars
Hilarious, I'm at costco every day and I just bought the Pure Protein ones.

Plant estrogen is something that I actually worry about and I try to avoid it whenever possible.

Fair enough, two scoops twice a day, three scoops once. I think I can handle that. Any recommended types of powder? I just bought some random shit that was on sale.

You're aiming for something like this, then?

Yup, pretty much. I used to watch strongman competitions, so I'm aiming for less The Rock more Hafþór Björnsson

>Any recommended types of powder?
If you're lactose intolerant get the isolate if using whey, otherwise use a non-dairy protein powder.

Turns out I have a whey isolate. Cool, at least I know these death shits are meant to happen, and not some horrible side effect.

Hope you make it dude. Nice to see someone actually do research before making a thread asking for help, and not argue against all advice.

Because you won't get ripped you'll just be fat with a lot of muscle under the fat.

>To loose fat I need:
>3,230 calories

To lose fat you don't have to eat anything.

Veeky Forums is a civilized place full of civilized people. I appreciate the help. You know what's best in life?

Yes, but if I go from tall stocky guy to lumberjack, bitches will love me. People around here dig that sort of thing, particularly since I'm a nice guy and it would help my security-related job.

you're 270lbs dude, that's not healthy or in shape. you need to get the 50 pounds of excess fat you have taken care of.

Well, it is relative to my size. I used to be over 300, and I've both dropped a lot of weight and put on muscle. I'm not some obese fuckwad with delusions of abs, or some asthmatic weirdo in a mart-cart, I'm just a big guy with a physical job trying to get sexy for the ladies.

yeah I know you're tall, but you're still clinically obese. not overweight, obese. that takes into account your height.


the taller you are the harder it is to accept how fat you are, I've been there. You absolutely shouldn't be bulking right now, you should be cutting while lifting weights. You wont look good and muscular if you bulk now, you'll just look fatter.

Hey fair enough, sounds like you know what you're talking about, guess I'll switch the numbers around.

Now, while lifting weights, I assume I do whatever it is I do now with my changed diet, or do I do more cardio too?

lift weights and keep protein high while eating at a caloric deficit.