>be me
>be 17
>never had gf
>never even had female friend
>somehow girls still find me attractive
>usually avoid them
>a cute girl is really into me
>I kinda like her too
>okay, maybe this is my chance, I can finally get a gf
>eventually, after months of smiling at each other and nothing more (yes, months), she approaches me
>fuck yes, fuck no, I don't know what to do
>she says 'Hey, user, can I ask you something?'
>I respond 'um... what? yes, what? you can ask me something' (yes, that's what I said word for word, the awkwardness seared it into my memory, and I was really stuttering)
>she giggles and says 'I was just wondering if you'd like to hang out sometime? You seem like a great guy'
>fuck, what do I say, this is my chance, don't fuck up, if it's not already too late
>reply 'I um, I guess, I mean, I think I would like that, I mean, I've never had a girlfr--I mean, um, yeah, I guess we could, or uh, should hang out sometime, I think I don't really have anything I am busy with the next month or so'
Again, word for word, or very close to. When I started saying 'girlfriend' I realized she might not have meant it as a date (even though she obviously was into me, I was just too retarded to know if she just meant it as friends) which is why I stopped there, and then when I said I'm free for the next month or so, that's probably the worst part of it, I should have said something like 'tonight' or 'this weekend'. Fucking cringe just remembering it.
Awkward encounters with girls
>surprisingly, despite me being awkward as fuck, she still seems interested
>she giggles again and asks 'what about tomorrow night?'
>'I uh, yeah, I think that could work, if you'd like to'
Again, full retard. 'If you'd like to', FUCKING OBVIOUSLY she'd like to. Fucking cringe at the memory.
>she giggles yet again and says 'I would love to! My parents are on vacation right now so I've got the house to myself, would you like to come over after school?'
>finally start to pull it together
>'yeah, that would be fun'
>she smiles and seems pretty excited, we exchange numbers, and we really do go through with it. Despite the awkward as fuck encounter, she's my girlfriend now, three years later. But still, I cringe so fucking much just remembering. Apprently she thought my awkwardness was kinda cute though.
any more stories?
Yeah I actually have one more. Last night I decided to go for a walk in the city. I was out late, and at like 1:30am some grungy looking girl, looked to be about 20, called out to me.
I asked what she wanted and she asked if I wanted to buy some meth. I told her to fuck off because I don't do drugs. She then asked if I'd give her $40 for sex. I again told her to fuck off. Then she asked if I'd give her $20 for sex.
At this point her nagging was getting very very tiresome. So I decided I had had enough of it. I said "why would I pay for bad sex, especially when I can get it for free?" So I pinned her against the wall of the red brick building she was standing by. I yanked her pants down and I raped her. She barely even seemed to care, she didn't scream or tell me to stop or resist or anything. She just kinda went along with it.
I stopped raping her and she let out a little sigh and pulled her pants back up. She kinda stared at me with what I can only describe as a slightly disapproving look but as crazy as this sounds she acted like she barely cared. Basically she acted like a normal person would act if you gave them a mildly rude comment.
I walked back home and went to bed. This morning I woke up early at 7am and, having gotten less then 5 hours of sleep I couldn't sleep anymore. I decided I should do something about last night's incident. I walked to the local police station to report myself. I asked the cute secretary to talk to the sheriff, she buzzed him and he came out of his office and asked what I want. I said "Sheriff, I'd like to turn myself in." He said "What did you do?" I responded "I shoplifted last night."
We hung out and had fun together. Nothing really notable, just went on a nice walk then went back to my place and watched Star Wars. Cuddled for a while, fell asleep together. Kept hanging out and doing similar stuff for a few months then she moved in with me. Happily ever after.
>fucking a methead
>be pudgy awkward child
>get fit and become slightly less awkward
>still khv at 23 though
>at co-worker's birthday, see girl I haven't seen since awkward pudgy days, she went from plain to THICC gymnast mode, wew lad
>sperg out all night, still manage to hit it off
>bar hop with co-workers and friends til like 4am, she ends up driving me home and invites herself in
>legit too tired and drunk to do much, make out a bit and then pass out like a chump
>wake up, she's still there and cuddled up to me, bare body against mine, instant boner
>she's fast asleep though, so just chill for hours because I had never been with a girl like this
>she wakes up eventually, flirty and playful, we kiss and giggle and cuddle
>miss like four chances to escalate
>asks me if I want to do anything, say yeah get some coffee
>get up, getting dressed, sit down to put shoes on, she comes and straddles me on my chair in nothing but panties
>"hows that feel?"
>tell her I'd feel better if I had had some caffeine, that I really need my fix and have a pounding headache desu
>she gets off, we go get coffee and some pizza
>drive back, she strips down and goes back to my bed
>get in with her, start talking because all the booze and grogginess has worn off and feeling awkward
>talk about philosophy for hours, she keeps grinding against me
>eventually at like 9pm her bf calls her
>what.jpg
>says she ought to get home soon, ask her wtf is up with that
>say shes poly
>I nervously laugh and say, oh haha thats cool
>she forcefully begins to kiss me, but at this point I'm kind of weirded out and it's just awkward, she gets dressed and leaves and asks me to come visit her next weekend so we can finish our business
>"okay."
>text a bit during the week, friday comes and I'm REALLY horny
>drive to her place, knock on door
>the very epitome of a numale redditor answers the door
"oh hey, you must be user, anonnette said you'd be over. I'm gabe, her boyfriend."
cont faggot
also pls be real
Nice humble brag faggots.
These aren't real btw
>he invites me in and she comes running over and hugs me very bustily
>he sits back down at their dinner table
>my brain is literally not comprehending wtf I am doing
>sit down and eat vegan mac and cheese with them, find myself being autistically quiet
>after dinner sit down to watch rick and morty with them, she's all over me and he's doing schoolwork on the couch next to us
>after a few episodes she drags me to the bedroom, starts to undress me and touch my penis
>okay, now in private I feel a bit better
>she blows me for a while, set up for sex
>insert penis in vagina, feel like I'm relaxing
>what is that noise
>use tactically placed mirror to see that gabe is in the corner silently masturbating
>boner instantly shrivels, feel nauseous
>she looks concerned, asks if I'm okay
>"haha, I'm good, but can I use the bathroom??"
>get shown the bathroom, naked at this point
>steal gabe's used jeans and a shirt, climb out the window as silently as possible and run to my car, hop in and drive the FUCK back home
>ignore her calls/texts for a few days, eventually stop receiving them
idk how I feel about things in retrospect
If you were naked how did you have keys for your car?
I drove an old focus I had to start with a screwdriver.
Decent setup, but the punchline needs work user.
F A K E
A
K
E
You fucked up. Gotta open your mind there, user.
>vegan mac and cheese
>after dinner sit down to watch rick and morty
> be me
> new to gym
> use college gym
> it has only one squat rack so it's either empty or surrounded by a gym bro group
> one day there was some power lifting Asian chick
> probably 5'3
> fit but not fat
> then there's me
> a lanky skeleton who has always been made of for it ( been called jake skelington, slenderman, demo)
> I really need to do the workout so I say fuck it
> "hey can I work in?"
> "sure"
> do 5 reps of probably the worst squats every
> for the entire day she was my personal trainer basically
...
...
>idk how I feel about things in retrospect
You fucked up hard the first night/day. The second meeting sounded quite degenerate.
>be me
>uni bio labs mess up first few weeks so two labs are mixed together. nice and comfy class.
its first sem so i dont know many people and the ones i know are on a "hi" basis
>first lab sit next to guy ive seen before and his friends.
>girl next to me. say hi to all except her (i know i fucked up here)
>next lab female flight and they folow. they move but i sit in the same spot i always sit. (autist mode enganged)
>outta nowhere all these girls on my table with one guy on the other side
>time to form a group for group assessments and they all go with themsleves
>when lab tutor comes around she divides it by how she wants and im in a group with 4 girls
> come time for lab work and im left alone. i do the group work by myself pretending i have 4 arms. two lab tutors come along and ask why im alone.
>i have no idea what to say so i turn my beta voice on. ive never expected someone to ask me why im always so alone.
>"oh its ok im not very good at the work anyway"
>girls hear the whole convo
>after a min i get up and join the people on a hi basis. they go :"wait u did that part by urslef?"
>activity was blind folded and have partner give u taste tests
>girls overhear again. (this was torture)
>lab goes smoothly with the people i know and we get closer
>when i go back to desk the girls finish activities and scuttle away fast asf some go home.
what do i do Veeky Forums? should i ask to move my name on the assessment roster or should i stay in this group. if i stay im going to need to find a way to socially get into this female circle. its gonna be tough.
this is too fucking funny to not be true
NOT FIT RELATED NOW FUCK OFF
True story...
>Be in highschool
>get a new pair of glasses with a thick black frame
>I thought they would look better on me than they do
>Feeling really self conscious about them
>Stacy walks up to me and says "Hey, I like your glasses!"
>Immediately go on the defensive and assume she is making fun of me
>mind races
>how do I disarm her insult?
>"T-thanks.. I don't really like them, my mom picked them out for me.. I mean I would've chosen something different.. thanks."
I wish I was kidding lads I had issues
>cucking yourself and her bf simultaneously
>girls find you attractive
Fucking normies get OUT
Cute story user, made me smile.
>philosophy
>"hows that feel?"
>tell her I'd feel better if I had had some caffeine, that I really need my fix and have a pounding headache desu
I feel great anger towards you.
fuck me she's cute
>Be me
>Hit it off with a girl from work
>We go to her place and end up in her bed
>Im groping her titties and ass and kissing all over her neck
>"user you are amazing at this! I can get off without you ever touching my pussy"
>Start working it harder putting in my A game from that confidence boost.
>Take of her top and start sucking on her nipples
>Slowly start sliding off her pants
>I'm rock hard at this point
>See bulge in her panties
>"Um user guess I should mention I'm on my period see my pad?"
>Well you could always suck my dick I'm horny as fuck girl
>"I dont do that hehe sorry but you could always still fuck me"
Most awkward thing ever. I got up and left.
wow I take the time to write up this painful green text and not even a single (you) making fun of me or making me feel like dirt
tonight I go to bed with a sad heart
Gives me hope, 22 here...
>be me
>be 17
>be virgo
>older sister's friend shows up at my house at fucking 1:30am
>i'm home alone playin vidya
>"um sorry anonette isn't here"
>her: "actually i came to see you user"
>"...oh...alright...come in...you know its like 1am right?"
>when she's inside i notice enormous scabs down the entire side of her face
>"..what the fuck happened?"
>her: "i tripped on the railway line last week"
>"..wha-"
>her: "yea user i saw you earlier today down the street and you looked so cool i wanted to come say hi"
>"...ughm, yea, y-y-you too..."
>notice she's drunk and has really low self-esteem at this point, maybe even suicidal given the whole "railway line" weirdness wtf was that
>her: "do you want to come to mine and chat"
>think if i dont go she might turn up dead later
>go with her
>realize she's super fucking drunk, on the pavement round every corner, doing 50mph over speed bumps, luckily theres no other cars
>finally get to hers, anus relaxes
>she makes coffee
>tastes like soap
>she sticks on "Chocolat"or some shit with Johnny Depp
>awkwardly watch this shit film thinking about the vidya im missing to babysit this cunt
>wonder why she's not really talking, i thought that's what she wanted to do, oh well im stuck here now
>out of nowhere about 10min of silence in she lies down and puts her head in my lap
>i sit there with one hand holding soapy coffee and the other hand hovering over her body with the look of 'just what the fuck is this mutilated bitch doing' on my face
>like a minute of this goes by and she stands up and walks out the room
>her from other room: "i'm going to bed now"
>well i guess i'm going home then
>go in her room
>she's in bed
>"i'm going home"
>her: "..."
>"ok, bye"
>her: "..."
>realize she wanted to fuck on walk home home
>still glad i didn't because that was some weird shit and her face was an abortion
>find out later that she was madly in love with me because she found out i stopped another girl from committing suicide once
nah that was a good move imo
>be me
>19
>meet a girl at a little party she adds me on Facebook and shit
>talks to me almost everyday
>invites herself over to my house
>says she wants to watch movies with me
>comes over
>I put a movie on
>I then sit on my gaming chair while she lays in my bed
>this happens not once but three times
>tfw I wasn't a virgin when this happened
>tfw sperglord
I found this funnier than I should have. 7/10
Tfw you're too grown up and jaded for something like to happen :(
You did the right thing. NEVER stick your dick in crazy. It's not worth it.
Not speaking from experience, I'm a fucking kissless hugless virgin.
>be me
>17
>been going after this girl for a while
>mutual friend says she's interested too
>go for coffee date
>all good
>afterwards waiting to get bus
>sexualtension.webm
>she straight up says "I really like you user"
>I'm spiralling, respond "right well that's good"
>kinda recover "...because I like you too"
>I have to get on my bus, apologise and go to leave
>she leans in for clearly a kiss
>'tism engaged
>hug her instead
>while pulling away I compute that she wanted to kiss
>sort of drag my lips along her cheek in awkward jerking motion
>my bag falls off shoulder
>I lean to pick it up
>she does too, I guess going for a some movie kiss moment
>she leans after me so I don't know
>headbutt her chin on the way back up
>dash to get on my bus
>tfw she's still gf now 3 years later
Since when has it become acceptable to post uninteresting textwalls that start with
>be me
on the wrong fucking board? Jesus Christ, please nuke this thread mods
since when can reddit faggots post their opinions and not know how to tag someone
>calls me Reddit
>doesn't know the rules
>thinks replies are mandatory and he's an expert on post structure
>>>>>>>>>tag someone
proving my point senpai