Gym queen laid another batch of eggs

>bodyweight radicals burn down the blacksmiths forge
>threw the last of the barbells and dumbbells into the manlet pit
>manlets now getting extremely jacked while everyone topside is stuck doing pull ups and push ups
>yesterday one escaped the pit and bludgeoned the 5'10 receptionist to death
>everyone on edge

why the fuck did they need to fuck everything up

>gym manager wants me in his office
>he congratulates me for my gym numbers this month
>we celebrate with a couple of lines on the desk

>manlet uprising failed
>the tallmen took away the squat rack in the manlet pit as punishment

we just want to be RESPECTED god FUCking dAMn

It's in the Veeky Forums humor thread

>not doing 3x7 height exercises until you are tall enough to leave
when will they learn?

>chest and tricep day
>triceps looking swole
>head to the locker room
>nobody around
>take off shirt and start flexing
>start dirty talking to myself
>"Oh you're so fucking big you dirty slut"
>hear girlish giggling
>look around and see the gym twink
>"Well I didn't say stop, user! You know you're pretty cute"
>Me: "Y-you too"
>"Haha. You know you have a way of words"
>he comes closer to me, touching my muscles
>my hands instinctively reach for his hips, grabbing his juicy ass in one hand and his upper hips in the other
>girly moans fill the air as she gasps and moans
>we make our way to the showers biting each other's lip in the process
>"Oh user" she says as gasps for air
>we turn on the water, as we start tugging on each other's clothes
>I remove her shirt, revealing her soft perky chest
>she pushes me up against the wall, whispering "Don't you dare touch anything" as she bites my ear lobe
>she slowly walks away seductively as she starts pulling on her tight shorts
>after a long tease, she bends over, and slowly pulls down her tight shorts
>I catch something that made me gag horribly
>I run out of the shower in panic
>she asks me where I'm going
>I yell "You have a fucking vagina" as I pack my things and leave
Seriously. Who fucking does that?

>only lifting with one side of your body to make some stupid political point
this is how i know you'll never make it, user

unfunny post and doesn't even fit the thread.

0/10 better luck next time

>not training right arm and cardio ONLY
>not running down manlets and throwing them into the pit
why even bother making it bro?

>short screams

mein seids

>the gym's chthonic horror from beyond the stars got loose in the toilet again
>can't take a leak without the sounds of eldritch defilement screeching in my ear
>Bob went into a stall by accident and came out a mind controlled servant of the Old Ones
>management still refuses to perform an exorcism

Mfw

>Gonna try for a new squat PR, need to get IN THE ZONE
>Tip the gym DJ a 2.5 lb plate to put on my PR track
>Gym hype man gets in on this, whipping up the crowd for my PR attempt
>Unrack the bar in the Rippetoe approved Low Bar (tm) position
>Take a big fucking breath and brace
>Stacies admiring my throbbing posterior chain
>Descend
>At the bottom of the squat, I catch a glimpse of the gym twink's tight, feminine glutes in tiny shorts (no homo)
>Get distracted, lose tightness, fail the rep hard
>Entire gym groans
>Gym clown follows me around for the rest of my workout making sad honking noises

I don't know if I can go back

>she
Ruined it

Top kek

>gym yakuza want to 'talk' again
>something about not tipping the bathroom man

>Put my money into the plate dispenser machine
>Plates start moving
>2nd plate doesn't fall off the rack
>No assistant there because I'm working out at 3am to avoid the gym bully
>Decide to shake the machine to get my plate out
>alarms go off instantly and gym police swoop in instantly pinning me to the ground
>don't believe my excuse, punish me using the gain gun
>lose my last 4 weeks of gains

WHY ME

My sides, thank you user

underrated

>clint eastwood got loose from his cage in the gym again
>keeps calling everyone a "fucking gook"
>slathered himself in cardio before he got loose so no one wants to touch him
>eventually force him onto the smith machine
>his face melts like the scene out of the lost ark

I dont know what the fuck this is, but i want more of it.

>manlets
>short screams
Literally crying.

>doing overhead press
>french coach tells me to stop doing battle maneuvers

>gym waiter brought me bulk of dirty plates
I told him I was on a cut

angryfrog33.jpg

These all can't be real, right?

Kek
E
K

>Tfw walk into the gym
>Immediately see that all squat racks are taken (because I see over everyone's heads)
>No big deal, I just grab two manlets and have them struggle to hold my heavy barbell up while I unrack it off them

>gym butler has come down with typhus
>too sick to escort me to gym
>have to put weights on barbell myself like some common peasant
>mfw I catch other gym Dukes looking at me with disgust

>Walk into gym
>Gym cries rape for entering her without consent

Kek

>accidentally repped over the service interval of my barbell
>fined 2 months of gains

>tissue paper falls out of my shoes in middle of gym
>Tall men alert the Warden
>Warden smells the 5' 11.5 on me
>sentenced to manlet pit without parole

>Lift bellbar
>The ringing this causes awakens the belldumbs
>The belldumbs are angry
>Having found the source of the disturbance that woke them they charge at me
>Machine Smith is there to protect me and as I am racking squats.
>He grabs the rolled foam, unrolls it
>Inside lies the legendary mark tittyrips, thought to have been lost to the ages
>He grabs mark tittyrips by the hilt.
>A feint trumpeting can be heard in the distance, like an echoe
>"A milk of gallon a day a day adayayay....."
>With one fell swoop Smith cuts down the belldumbs.
>I put down the bellbar
>I look up
>I see several dead manlets on the floor, a trashed smith machine with its bar removed, it is bloody and inserted into a foam roll to form a makeshift sword, my squatrack is hogging all the weights which seems to be the cause of the conflict, then I remember I have been doing GOMAD.
>Never do GOMAD.

>gains goblin follows me to the gym
>marks all the weights down by 10lbs
>know his tricks and go higher
>gym monitor reprimands me for lifting too heavy
>restricted to machines for the rest of the month

Better quickly transition to frontsquats. Punishment for skipping leg day is much less harsh than OHP in squat rack

>doing barbell flyes
>gym TSB inspectors stop me
>they want to see my flight authority
>they think I've been fudging my maximum weight reports
They caught me on a warm up set, so I was able to fend them off, for now, by rambling on about ultralight exemptions, but they'll be back.

I like how gender pronouns changed in the middle, kek

>just finished falcon jamboree at the kinoplex
>decide to stop by gymnatorium for a quick workout
>start on the sledgehammer + tire station, get a good sweat going
>realize I forgot to tip the gym bard
>his penalty tune renders my sphincter worthless for a week

Rough day boys.

>gym troll got pissed off because everyone guesses his riddles
>started doing them in mime and beatboxing sounds
>nobody has been in the gym for 3 weeks
Atleast the passage is guarded by the platemage because the gain goblins would attack on sight without the shield of protein™

Er sagt zu mir: "run to the hills run for your life"
En ik zebra vervolgens teen hem: "hah, fuck off makker, met me vieze Anglo kop"
But he would leave poor favor. Zolang ik in de squatrack stand blijf er wille not not iron maide uitdoen. Also inch moeten leave the rack. Schooner can not find so Ik ga naakt deer gym hit AHAHAHAH. ALLE SEE ME SO, ALLE HAHAH.
Wallah habibi ik zweer on your mutti I will attack ATTACK LIKE WOMEN AND COWARDS RU. RUN RUN RU. RUN FLR YOUR LIFE HAHAHA.

...

o im laffin

>short screams
It's the simple things

Two moons ago one of the long men dropped a strange canister into the Pit during our weekly sacrifice. This was likely intended to start a fight for his amusement, which we all knew but fought regardless. I caved in a mans skull with a bent lat pull down bar and took the gift for my own. I can no longer fully comprehend the runes that adorn it, but it seems to read that this is the essence of Creation. It is a white powder which I have consumed daily by mixing it into my blood ration, and has empowered me with greater strength then I knew existed. I have fashioned a power rack and can now bench the entirety of the free weights that I have accumulated (a barbell, 5 Large disks, 2 medium disks, 2 small disks, and one tiny disk). The long men jeer that it doesn't count because even my full movements are short, but I can see the fear in their eyes. The grasp of gravity loses its grip on me more every day.

...

>tipped the gym receptionist today

>be a manlet
>want to avoid manlet tax by pretending I'm taller than I am
>walk past the gym receptionist on tip toes
>save myself 5,9%

Not bad lad

>guy at the gym who normally stocks the towels has been out sick for a few days now
>all the spiders got out of the drawer he kept them in, crawled out of the gym under the fucking door
>without the spider silk to weave new towels they've started washing and handing out the old ones

Fucking disgusting.

>gym trickster makes me solve starting strength sudoku to access the squat rack
>it's unsolvable because only contains numbers1, 3 and 5

>be country boy, just moved to big city for uni
>first day of new gym
>the uni gym has no horse parking lot
>no milk dispenser in sight in the gym

these threads are never, ever funny

Fucking lost it.

>try GOMAD
>pissed off at everything
>try SS
>develop irresistible attraction to older women
>try cutting
>forced to see gym therapist
nothing works

>stumble when walking to the gym measuring stick
>don't straighten up in time
>measure a measly 6'3" and get instantly consigned to the manlet pits
>they threaten to gnaw my toes off if I don't let them use my arms as a pull up bar

>gym concierge didnt take my duffel at the door
>had to walk all the way to the locker rooms and put it away myself

what the hell am i paying so much for?

>gym talent show night
>spotlight lands on me and gym announcer announced user will now show off his barbell flies
>can't balance barbells because nervous
>drop them everywhere
>could only muster up a "whoops that went bananas"
>everyone laughs
>burst into treats and run off stage

>gym spider built it's web at the cable machine
>try to do some chest flyes anyway
>get stuck in the web and he sucks out all of my gains

>implying we're joking

Man im new to this boars but fuck me theres some batshit shit in these threads, not sure if top or not but im lovin' it!

rello r*ddit

>decide to throw a map into the gym portal device
>map is unidentified so I don't know the modifiers on the map
>load up 1 pl8 bench for warmup
>instantly break my arms attempting to push bar off rack
>OH FUCK GYM MAP HAS PHYSICAL REFLECT ON IT
>bar falls and crushes my windpipe
>life flask does nothing
>resurrect in town
>mfw

Nice Google translate.

come back anytime

>be manlet
>working my ass off in manlet pits
>recently got moved up to the proton mines
>life's finally going upwards for me
>think I'm about to see some decent gains
>Overseer Brad hits me up at the end of the day and tells me Lord Chad has imposed a 40% tax on all gains made in the manlet pits and associated sections
>end up giving 60% because Brad said he'd put me back to cleaning the fatass hovels if I didn't contribute
ENOUGH, I'VE FUCKING HAD IT, REVOLUTION NOW

>.bmp
uuuuh???

>Get assigned to be weight area rat catcher
>feeling tired from chest day, so put down poison and call it a day
>come back the next day
>see a bearded manlet running out as I'm about to enter, yelling something about rakogri
>turns out I'd mixed the poison up with Creatine
>it takes the gym witch hunter days to clear them all out
>I only escape punishment because they ate the contents of the manlet pit before anyone noticed them

>try IF
>locked in place until a THEN argument is defined

Fucking gold

>not pledging fealty to the Old Gods
>not using Forbidden Lifts to overthrow the gym paladins

>enter the gym through the airlock
>take my falcon Hippias to the roost room
>I recognize a couple of the birds there, as they belong to my gym buddies
>walk through the market trying not to draw attention, as I don't want the merchants to start bartering with me
>one of the biggest guys in my gym is waiting for the butcher to slaughter a post-workout goat for him, and I give him a nod as I proceed deeper to the gym
>"You like what you see?" one of the prostitutes says teasingly as I walk past her, but I don't care
>I'm not wasting any precious, protein filled sperm for a harlot; that would ruin my nearly autarkic protein economy
>As I walk down the hallway, I can already hear the commands from the gramophones: "Concentric, eccentric."
>I pass through the door of the inner sanctum
>as I have a Platinum Card™, I'm allowed to use all of the equipment and weights
>I see a young lad finishing a set of squats
>he only has a Silver Card™ hanging from his neck, so I would be fully within my rights to tell him I'm using the rack now
>however, I see too much of my former self in the young boy, so I decide to let him finish his sets without interrupting him
>I know my workout plan says that squats are the first exercise, but the gains police of the gym is a bro-tier fellow, so he wouldn't probably even mind if he found out
>do leg press instead, and hit a new 13 rep PR
>we're all gonna make it

The best one.

>be me going to gym
>just got a new leather jacker
>enter locker room
>some juicer stares me down as i walk in
>ignore him, find a free locker
>turn around
>he's still staring at me
>he says "hey buddy i think you got the wrong door." and says something about a club, didn't really catch it
>burst out "fuck you"
>he says "fuck you letterman"
>mfw i'm david letterman

>plate cone pattern attendant began rearranging them mid-set

>only having one butler

>At local, overcrowded gym
>50+ people in a small area, hot as fuck
>Another 100 manlets in the 10x10 feet manletpit
>Hear chanting from the pit and see a lot of movement and scurrying around my feet
>Finish my pushday early, dont think much of it
>Next day, the manletpit has grown
>It´s now a manlethill
>Made out of dumbells, plates and used needles
>Manlets scurrying around in lines around the gym looking for material for the hive
>I hear short grunts as I look down to see a lmao1plaet move as by itself, supported by a dozen manlets underneath
>The receptionist is trying to fight them off with the fire extinguisher
>It is of no use
>The hill has grown to almost the height of a man
>Angry chants and the stomping of hundreds of highheel boots is heard from inside it
>Then it emerges
>A manlet so large it could almost swing for my head
>They fucking fused into one
>The creature stomps and yells incoherently about sucessful short moviestars
>I run for cover as it begins to throw weights
>Receptionist is killed by a flying barbell
>The creature storms out of the gym and into the streets
>I run home and watch for news about the incident
>A newschopper is hovering around what used to be gold´s gym
>It is now a nest made of all kinds of scrap from the gym and streets around it
>The chopper circles around, filming as the military is approaching the structure
>The leading general appreciates their numbers to have exceeded the rest of mankind
>The general turns as sudden commotion breaks out around the hive
>Camera zooms in at a hundred manlets carrying what looks like a rag on a stick atop the hill
>A hundred tiny grunts is heard as a very short flag (5'10) is raised on it´s top, letters of blood spelling out three words
>"GROW GROW GROW"

hello re*ddit!

jesus christ

>can't use the cable machines because the cables are tangled
>ask the gym topologist to untangle them
>he says it's already untangled under ambient isotopy

Now this is dank

>short screams
Kekked hard

...

platinum kek

somebody got that pic with big lenny?
"The lenny workout vs genova piss session" or something

I always enjoy these threads. Last time I wrote a long series of lovecraftian existential gym horror greentexts.

This is why I visit this website, thank you so much.

>wake up
>drink a liter of BCAA water
>penguin walk to kitchen and eat a dozen eggs and two cups of oats
>inject myself with steroids
>hop into my bentley
>snort pre-workout
>start hearing voices
>
>DIIIIIICK
>TODAY IS THE DAYYYYYY
>
>smile as I truly make it, unconcerned with my mortal body as it doesn't matter anymore

Oh, dude, those were great

>anaconda got loose in gym ballpit
>am told because i use the ballpit the most I have to get it out
>say no
>gym cancels my membership

not all of us can be heroes

>At gym with gymbro
>Triceps/Chest day, making all kinds of gains
>Suddenly THAT guy walks in
>Longpants, hoodie, earbuds
>Fucking EARBUDS in a gym that already blasts music
>Goes straight to the squatrack without even warming up
>Starts squatting just the bar (wat)
>Adds some weight and squats like 4-5 times before having to sit down
>Unloads the bar, red as a tomato already
>Starts doing overhead press, with THE SAME FUCKING BAR
>Entiregymstaring.exe
>Does the same shit there, doesnt even use clips
>Gymowner stares at him from the receptiondesk
>Prob wonders if he´s liable if the kid kills himself
>Somehow survives anyways, deloads the bar
>Starts DEADLIFTING WITH THE SAME BAR
>Gymbro just mouthing "what the fuck" and stops in the middle of his set
>Does one fucking set of deadlifts
>Deloads the bar and walks out
>Doesnt even fucking shower
>Comes back a couple of days later IN THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHES

Saw him weighing himself in the gym, fucktard even seemed to GAIN weight LMAO